Divorce & Nursing

[NorthStar]

I just read on MSN.com that one thing men to steer away from in women...is to stay away from a relationship with a nurse. "After a long 12 hour shift, there isn't much time left for love and caring at home". I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm 43 years old and am definately, totally exhausted and am running on fumes by the time I get home. I became an RN in my early 20's and had a lovely marriage sour after several years. I can honestly say that my occupation was hazardous to my marriage. What about the rest of you? Any contributing factors or solutions?

[CCU NRS]

A rollercoaster of ride and a must see...Larry of the 9 year anniversary on jan 28th.

We met in LVN school and she was divorcing an abusive stalking husband. She had two daughters ages 3&5 and I fell in love.

We married one year after we graduated and had both been working a full year for experience.

We relocated and began new jobs both working long hours, I worked 8 hour shifts on school days to be home by the time the girls were getting home from school and 16hr shifts on weekends. My wife worked at an office and did basically 10 hour shifts we were lucky when she was home by 7:00 I basically became Mr Mom taking care of the house and children. Until after things got too harry and the doctor she worked for began expecting her to work beyond her scope of practice, they let Pts see my wife an LVN and charged for office visits and Pts never saw the doctor. I made her quit because I knew the CEO (the doctors husband) would never cover her A** if it were found out. She found another job and I encouraged her to return for her ADN and after she did hers I would get mine. The girls were 11&13 by then and she finished her ADN. I recently returned and finished my ADN last May.

We have had a lot of hard times and many times when we were both just too tired to do anything and just let things like house work go too long and this would becaome a source of anger and a battle over I do everything and you do nothing etc. Money can make trouble just by not having any, too many bills and extras for kids and I need this and I want that etc. MAN it has been an adventure, we have raised 2 fairly stable daughters now 13&15 and we are finally begining to have a little bit of a life in which we are not just struggling. We have made 9 years and the D-bomb has been dropped a few times over the years but we always managed to work things out.

Cancun next week for our Anniversary. Thanks for caring!

[hartsbur]

oh jeez, i hope that nurses don't have a higher divorce rate than those in other careers.

just another thing for me to worry about as i look at career professions!

[tymomrn]

I married at 22, always made more money than him, so that was never an issue. I worked fulltime while getting all my classes other than nursing done, AND during nursing school. My son was 2 when I stated nursing school. He was a momma's boy, the baby of 5, his mom was 43 when she had him. He tried cleaning once in a while, I wound up cleaning his cleaning. I worked 8 hour shifts before I became a nurse, 12 after. But 4-5 days a week to pay bills. He only worked my days off, 8 hour shifts. I had to make sure to keep at least one day a week off to clean the house. I resolved myself to that, wanted to keep my marriage intact for my son. Then his mom got cancer. Was given 6 months. I thought thing were going well, we were trying to get pregnant, when he tells me that he still loves me, but is no longer "in love" with me. It wasn't sex-I wanted it more than he did. Probably because he was going out with co-workers after his 3-11p shifts, then being too tired for anything when he got home. We always worked opposite days for child care, so those were the only days we had. Anyway...This was in late December, he wanted to stay until his mom died so she wouldn't know about it- being the first divorce in his family and all. His mom had her first chemo tx in early Feb, 3 days later got a serious bowel obsrtuction, came into my ER with a bp of 80, she went to sugery 2 days later and couldn't get off the vent all week until she pulled her own tube on Friday. I was there with her every moring after work and every evening before work. When she went downhill after pulling her tube, I was the one who discussed the morphine gtt with my family. They were great, they didn't want her to suffer any longer. They fully understood what was going to happen. I was the one who also stayed with her the first night when she on comfort care, waiting for her to die. I worked the next night, and left the ER to see her when she did pass. I balled my eyes out for 10 minutes(I loved her, she was a great lady), and went back to work. Through all of this, my ex said I was not supportive enough of HIM. He left, I said good riddance. My son is better off, and I am MUCH happier.

[ejm99]

We have a serious problem in this country and that is women have a 2nd shift - housework/childcare - and men don't. The culture teaches us that this is expected but doesn't explain to us how to handle the anger that builds up over the disparity. We both are working, why is only one of us doing all the work at home? I for one, struggle with this all the time. It seems to go in cycles - I get totally fed up and tell him he HAS to do more, he starts doing more, then slacks off slowly until I build up anger again.

A friend who's been a marital therapist for many years said that a large part of her practice was wives who'd done way, way too much for too many years until they reached the volcano of anger stage and then walked away. She said it was never salvagable if they waited that long.

So how can we convince them to do their share??? I don't want to become a volcano.

I am in total agreement. and have to revive this topic because it's one that will never be outdated.

My situation is simple...I have a dh of 6yrs, 3 kids... I love my dh but think he drinks more than I'm comfortable with. He isn't an alcoholic but could be w/ a bit more effort. I am entering school AGAIN (left an ADN program in 2000 due to a serious illness situation w/ my dh)...against his wishes.

He fears I'll leave him when I'm done. And he's 100% correct UNLESS we can compromise and work on our marriage. He's trying ...his drinking is at a bare minimum right now and I'm really proud of him..and happy for us as a family (mind, his isn't a mean guy, or abusive...w/ or w/o alcohol)...

but his whole thing 5 yrs ago when I quit my job was that my job would be the house and the primary caretaker of the kids and his would be the breadwinner. Cool.

So now he's on a "get a job" thing....sure I COULD...but why would I?

I mean hell...I worked before and did 100% off all houshold stuff and kid stuff too....so my only arguement is "not unless your going to divy up the household stuff and kid care w/ me".

Nope don't want to do that.....

so now...I'm going back to school. I will come out making as much or MORE than he does once I find a nursing job and then I will be EXPECTED to work in my nursing job and then come home and care 24/7 for the house the kids etc...

why in the heck WOULD i want to stay married????

If all he's bringing to the table is his paycheck...well that's not enough.

I think of it like this....the good has to outweigh the bad and when it doesn't anymore it's time to make a change....

At this moment he's slowly accepting my returning to school DENIAL yes, he just told his mom on the phone I was going back in 2006 when my youngest is in Kindergarden???? what?

I'm applying for either the Fall 2004 program or Spring 2005 program ! He knows that.... DENIAL.

He even said none of HIS money is going for my school, daycare etc I would need to figure that out on my own.... what a dumbA#$.

Well I am figuring it out..and I AM going.....and if he makes it hard on me he's gonnna be gone before the ink is dry on my diploma/cert. (dep on the path I decide on). I love my dh but not enough to sit back and end up on Oprah one day and answer that question of "why did you stay" with "oh but I LOVE him"...gag.... I love him but I love my kids and mySELF more.

[angel337, MSN, RN]

as usual, women are expected to do everything and be everything to every one. i know that nursing school can cause major stress in relationships, but how many women have dated medical students/residents and have been completely suppportive the whole time? unfortunatley most women don't get the support they need when pursuing a career. the best thing you can do is to try to surround yourself with positive people who can relate to what you go through. a relationship will be what you make it and if any man says he won't date a nurse, he probably isn't the right man and should probably find someone who reminds him of mom who will cater to him constantly. remember: love yourself first. the rest will follow. :blushkiss

[Reborn]

The media and the the "world" are not examples of where to find a life worth living, even though they convince most of us that they are.

We grow up basing our "ideals" of a good marriage on soap operas, or what our parents marriages were not.

Little girls start with these skewed visions very early, of the perfect wedding, etc. and we do very little to deter that, and even encourage it.

All the the media indoctrinates people AWAY from the the things that would encourage healthy, TRULY loving relatioships, and perpetuate causal sex, greed, and an "it's all about me attitude" as the way to happiness and self fulfillment.

Divorce occurs mainly because we choose the "wrong" marriage partner to start with (we are unequally yoked), and one or both (and it absolutely must be both)parties are unwilling to be humble enough to make the compromises needed, and we actually "entertain" the D-WORD as an alternative to deciding to jettison our pride, shut off the TV, stop seeking confirmation amongst our so-called friends, grow up and WORK IT OUT!!

[fiestynurse]

Reborn - I agree with much of what you said. I have been a nurse since 1978. Met my husband in 1980 and married him in 1982. We are still together and have two amazing daughters. My oldest is a straight "A" student at NYU. My husband and I have been through many ups and downs, and I want to tell you that the downs were really down. We had some really awful things happen in our marriage, but we always did what was necessary to work it out. We went to couples counseling, individual therapy, support groups - you name it we've done it. At 49 years old my husband has grown into the most incredible man! I know that he loves me, I take that back, he adores me. But, it was not always this way. There were times that my husband was neglectful, disrespectful, and not the best husband in the world. I was not perfect either. Our marriage is not as strong as it is today because of luck, but because of hard work on both our parts. We are committed to one another and took our marriage vows very seriously. I still remember the intense and serious look on my husband's face when he said them. (We were married under a waterfall in Jamaica - but that's another story) I don't want to sound like Dr. Laura, because I am not a big fan of hers, but when you have kids it really changes things. It's more about them and less about you. I know that many times I hung in there because of them. So, my advice is to hang in there! Things will get better!

[klhs]

I have been divorced for 2 years following 16 years of marriage...no it was not an easy decision to make, but it is one I do not regret!

I didnt get married with the attitude of "if it doesnt work we can just get a divorce", that is the last thing I wanted. I do not think that me being a nurse had anything at all with my decision to file for divorce...I think if anything it (nursing) made me realize that life is entirely too short to waste it being in an unhappy relationship. I believe that each individual is responsible for their own happiness and those you choose to share your life with enhances that happiness.

As my signature line below says, it is because of the past that I am who I am today!

[karenG]

I have been divorced for 2 years following 16 years of marriage...no it was not an easy decision to make, but it is one I do not regret!

I didnt get married with the attitude of "if it doesnt work we can just get a divorce", that is the last thing I wanted. I do not think that me being a nurse had anything at all with my decision to file for divorce...I think if anything it (nursing) made me realize that life is entirely too short to waste it being in an unhappy relationship. I believe that each individual is responsible for their own happiness and those you choose to share your life with enhances that happiness.

As my signature line below says, it is because of the past that I am who I am today!

I'm with you on this... I left my husband after 19yrs having realised it was making me totally miserable. And yes we went to relate for help and all that did was make more convinced that I was making the right decision. It is the hardest thing I have ever done.. and I do regret the effect it had on the children but they are doing ok and life is better for them- no more angry parents at each others throats all the time!! you only get one life.... why be miserable??

Karen

[bestblondRN]

I am currently separated from my husband of 2 years (second marriage for both) after being together for 5 years.

I knew when I married him that I would continue in the pattern we had established of my working 12 hours and then coming home, fixing a meal, doing whatever chores needed to be done, and basically having no time for myself. I thought I could keep going, and that this was what it was all about.....taking care of everyone and doing everything. About a year ago, my back became so bad that I could no longer work, lift even a laundry basket or go grocery shopping. But, because I allowed him to be dependent on me, I found myself being very angry and frustrated that he wouldn't help with things I had always done. There have been a number of other dynamics that have played into this, not least of which was trying to blend 2 families with teenage kids.....bad move on our parts, since we didn't see eye-to-eye on childrearing. When the hostility and anger at home got to be too much, I became very depressed and decided that I had a greater obligation to myself and my daughter to provide a healthier environment for both of us to live in. I am now living in an apartment with her, and although I miss aspects of the relationship with my husband, I feel a sense of relief being alone again. I have always had that "rescuing" behavior in my relationships with men, and it's worn me down over the years. I am too tired to care for everyone but myself, and now is my opportunity to start caring for me again. Selfish? Yes....but in a good way. It feels good not being stretched from A to Z anymore!

[Jamiers]

I self reflect ALOT. I have a wedding to attend in July. When I think of my relationship with him, I sometimes get a little nervous, but I'm not sure if it's just me. He has a little of the momma's boy in him, a little grandosity and less than great gentlemen mannorisms. Sometimes I think the issue lies within BOTH of us. I am the youngest of four, my father spoiled me- he was a selfishless man who still irons my mothers clothing, lies all her meds on the table next to her freshly brewed coffee in the morning, and loves his family with the heart of an elephant. I have come to realize that I am expecting this from my fiance as well. He himself has a very dynamic mother who owns her own business, cooks like betty crocker, and finds time for extra cirricular activities to attend by herself b/c her husband is always working his 70/hrs week. She has always pampered my fiance, he has been fed a silver spoon his entire life. I guess he expects this from me as well. I have pointed these things out to him, he agrees. Please don't get the wrong idea, I do have a generous heart, and at the start of out relationship, I was selflessly giving, and he took, then I seemed to pull back and I felt slighted. For you experienced women, I want some opinions; do you think I am unrealistic---- I want him to drop me off in a warm building while he parks the car 3 blocks away in 30 degree weather, I want him to walk along side me on a busy city street to ensure my safety, I want him to adore me, and not notice my physical flaws. I want him to offer to the car to me (we share a car) while he takes the bus when our schedules are conflicting (I take the bus when this happens). I know part my be my perception, I catch myself always wanting more. I'm not afraid to work on this- I am willing. Maybe I just have cold feet....Thanks for listening.

[Mr_D]

I just wrote for the last 30 minutes a reply and this "new and improved system" lost it. First lost track that I was logged in, then lost track of my thread ( invalid thread error). I'm pissed!! :angryfire