Divorce & Nursing

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I just read on MSN.com that one thing men to steer away from in women...is to stay away from a relationship with a nurse. "After a long 12 hour shift, there isn't much time left for love and caring at home". I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm 43 years old and am definately, totally exhausted and am running on fumes by the time I get home. I became an RN in my early 20's and had a lovely marriage sour after several years. I can honestly say that my occupation was hazardous to my marriage. What about the rest of you? Any contributing factors or solutions?

Originally posted by meredithT

We have a serious problem in this country and that is women have a 2nd shift - housework/childcare - and men don't.

That isn't the culture in my house (my wife wouldn't put up with it). At the same time my wife and I divy up chores based upon skills, time and abilities.

The culture teaches us that this is expected but doesn't explain to us how to handle the anger that builds up over the disparity.

What Culture? Please Explain.

We both are working, why is only one of us doing all the work at home? I for one, struggle with this all the time. It seems to go in cycles - I get totally fed up and tell him he HAS to do more, he starts doing more, then slacks off slowly until I build up anger again.

My wife wouldn't put up with it and she has made that message clear, consistently.

A friend who's been a marital therapist for many years said that a large part of her practice was wives who'd done way, way too much for too many years until they reached the volcano of anger stage and then walked away. She said it was never salvageable if they waited that long.

Does this marital therapist have a successful marriage/relationship?

So how can we convince them to do their share??? I don't want to become a volcano.

So why do we make this a gender issue (them=men)? I don't think women are any better than men with the issues as noted above. I get enough "male bashing" at work secondary to this kind of mentality.

-HBS

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Specializes in Case Management, Home Health, UM.
Originally posted by eltrip

I have experienced a (now ex-) husband who would feed our infant a bottle @ 0200 & then go to bed, closing the door & turning on the window AC unit so that he wouldn't be able to hear the infant crying at 7am when she awakened. Yeah, coming home to a baby who'd been crying for a while is something that gives a body a real warm feeling deep inside...:rolleyes:

Sounds like my ex, who took off on a scuba diving trip to the Bahamas, despite the fact that our son (who was six months old at the time), was hospitalized with diarrhea so severe, that he had to be put on TPN.

Sorry S.O.B. :(

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Specializes in Community Health Nurse.
Originally posted by hbscott

I suspect that the divorce rates for nurses are no higher than the divorce rates for physicians, lawyers, police men, fire fighters and other "service" related occupations.

Indeed divorce rates in our country are pretty high regardless of occupation. My wife and I have been together for 23 years now (it has not been easy) but we honored our vows and found a way to stick together in spite of the adversity. It helps that we love each other very much.

-HBS

HBS.....I think the ticket to a successful anything is honoring one's vows and finding a way to stick with it in spite of the adversity faced in the situation.

My ex spouse certainly did not uphold the vows he made to me, and thought nothing of following his own green grass once I finished nursing school.

My current spouse is a nurse also and we do have more in common and a better understanding of what one does. But then again, this spouse is more into me than the last one was. This spouse has a sense of who he is, where he comes from, and to where he is going without feeling the insecurity my first spouse felt. This spouse shows no jealous tendencies, nor does he put me down and belittle me the way my exspouse did.

Bottom line.....it's NOT the occupation, but the personality and the maturity level of the individual making the commitment and honoring those vows that counts.

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Originally posted by cheerfuldoer

Bottom line.....it's NOT the occupation, but the personality and the maturity level of the individual making the commitment and honoring those vows that counts.

So very true, that certainly has been my experience. It also helps to have a good portion of Faith, Hope and Love on your side.

-HBS

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This post by no means is to bash anyone.

(I mayl be flamed for this).

I love my husband, but at times I think my spouse is very unfair. He doesn't spend much time with his family even though I know that he can break away from work (he is self-employed) more than he admitts to. My children need him more than ever before, especially my boy's. I could say more about this, and it would be so easy to walk away. However, I know that I have a higher calling and committment to my God first, then my children and husband.

If more people put God's principals and their children first, and think about how divorce will effect them, then there will be a tremendous drop in the divorce rate. Your children deserve to have an intact family if possible, not one that is broken because the adults couldn't get it together. (I know there are special circumstances).

Every marriage is going to go through the storm, that is why the vows say 'for better, or for worse'. Please give those children a chance to have happy memories, so when the hard times hit them as adults, then they can reflect back to a better time, their childhood.

I did not have a father, and my mother abandoned me right before puberty. Before this time, a few good childhood memories were created, but not many. The few that I have reminds me that there is still hope and goodness in the world, which all comes from God. Choose to give those children what they deserve most, an intact family.

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I'm sorry you had such an unhappy childhood, Bambi. But I disagree that children will necessarily be happier if their parents are together. I think kids can pick up if their parents are really unhappy together, and divorce, while traumatic, may allow the parents to be happier individuals and thus the family will be healthier in the long run. I'm not condoning divorce for any minor marital problem, and I do think couples should work hard to fix their problems before running out and getting lawyers, but I don't think it's fair to say that a nuclear family is necessarily better than a divorced family. If one or both of the parents is really unhappy and not thriving, then the whole family will suffer.

I don't know why the divorce rates are so high. I guess when I finally get married I want to make sure it's the right person. I lived with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, we split up, and now we're back together again. I'm glad we didn't get married before we had a chance to grow up and figure out who we each were first.

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I am thankful my parents got divorced when they did. In fact, it's a shame it took them so long. I think it is more traumatizing to a child to have their parents constantly arguing (and when not arguing, not speaking at all).

I feel there are many reasons for divorce being so prolific. One is a lack of self-actualization. For instance, my mother was never self sufficient. She went from the safety of her parents to the safety of a marriage. She never lived on her own, had to stand on her own two feet, find out who she was independant of others. The same can be said for my father. They were too young and inexperienced to really know what they needed/wanted.

Of course, people just giving up when the going gets tough... that is another reason. Many people are serial monogamists and they leave whenever the thrill is gone. They are more in love with falling in love than with being in love.

Less strict religious beliefs also play a part, although that can be a good thing. Unfortunately, many abused spouses would stay in a bad marriage because it was their god's will.

I don't think it has much to do with one's job... I am sure there are plenty of happily married nurses.

But then, what do I know... I am still on my first marriage... ;)

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Specializes in Critical Care, ER.
Originally posted by Sarah Kat

I am thankful my parents got divorced when they did. In fact, it's a shame it took them so long. I think it is more traumatizing to a child to have their parents constantly arguing (and when not arguing, not speaking at all).

My parents waited until I was a teenager, after years of VERY visible infidelity, alcoholism, violence and constant fighting. Now, when I struggle in my own marriage due to poor role modeling and fear of commitment, it's the memories of the crappy marriage that haunt me, NOT the divorce.

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Specializes in Critical Care, ER.
Originally posted by meredithT

We have a serious problem in this country and that is women have a 2nd shift - housework/childcare - and men don't. The culture teaches us that this is expected but doesn't explain to us how to handle the anger that builds up over the disparity. We both are working, why is only one of us doing all the work at home? I for one, struggle with this all the time. It seems to go in cycles - I get totally fed up and tell him he HAS to do more, he starts doing more, then slacks off slowly until I build up anger again.

A friend who's been a marital therapist for many years said that a large part of her practice was wives who'd done way, way too much for too many years until they reached the volcano of anger stage and then walked away. She said it was never salvagable if they waited that long.

So how can we convince them to do their share??? I don't want to become a volcano.

ITA!!!!!! :D Anyone who's taken Women's studies 101 knows that women have historically born the burden of the 2nd shift while there may be exceptions (hbscot). EVERY SINGLE STUDY EVER on this issue has found that women do much, much more on average. I also remember several studies that compared perceptions of how much work was done vs the ACTUAL division of labor and OF COURSE the men (in the study- happy hb?) perceived that they were doing at least 50% of the work when in fact they were doing only 30%.

This is a HUGE problem in my marriage because I told my husband that I was a progressive who simply DID NOT clean and cook BEFORE we got hitched. At the time his response was; "no problem, I love you no matter what, I'll do the housework". Well 3 years later, I get yelled at constantly for the messy house. Grrrrrrrrrrr. :(

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I agree HBS-

I think unrealistic expectations or unclarified expectations are the main contributor to divorce. Seems the marriage gets into trouble when one party feels like the other party is not living up to their end of the "contract" or bargain. It does not matter if they are a nurse or in nursing school or any school for that matter.

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Specializes in Critical Care, ER.
Originally posted by ainz

I agree HBS-

I think unrealistic expectations or unclarified expectations are the main contributor to divorce. Seems the marriage gets into trouble when one party feels like the other party is not living up to their end of the "contract" or bargain. It does not matter if they are a nurse or in nursing school or any school for that matter.

Yes. This is totally true too. :specs:

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You know...statistically, marriage IS the leading cause of divorce....:chuckle

Seriously, I am glad I am not in some of the situations that some of you are in.

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