I've been working SICU (with the exception of a short-lived foray into Case Management a few months ago - HATED it) for about 14 years now. I've seen some really tragic things in my time and somehow I've always been able to mostly leave it at work.
These last two days have been very hard for me, and I cried into my chips and guacamole after work this evening, IN PUBLIC, while my poor non-medical husband struggled to understand.
In brief:
Yesterday I had a 41 year old woman on an LVAD (been in our unit for 49 days) whose family withdrew care. It literally made me sick to my stomach to watch that little old couple sign papers so that we could let their daughter die... and in the three hours it took her to do that... OMG... they were just so pathetic... they sat next to each other and held hands, and the dad was so stoic, and the mom just cried and cried...
Today I had a 25 year old MVA with SEVERE head trauma, multiple fractures, chest tubes, etc, who will more than likely wind up being an organ donor in a few days at most (if the family consents; they're still in that initial stage of total shock and "he's gonna pull through") and I watched his mother on her knees most of the day praying and crying for a miracle... and she clung to me when I left this evening... just sobbed on my shoulder. I walked out with her tears wetting my jacket.
I am really REALLY beginning to feel the cumulative weight of what I do for a living... and I just don't know how much more I can handle. :uhoh21:
Specializes in Triage, MedSurg, MomBaby, Peds, HH.
I wish you weren't experiencing so much pain right now. HOWEVER...I can only hope that if I am ever in need of a wonderful, caring, compassionate nurse that I will be lucky enough to get someone just like you.
SICU, I am so sorry that you are suffering so badly for your patients.
Take some time for yourself and go see a councilor in Employee Assistance. I have before, when I felt overwhelmed by life in general. I hope things get better for you. :icon_hug:
I agree that putting yourself first is the hardest thing to do when you take care of people as your job. It's ok to ask and get through this tough time ,in wich I am so sorry for. Unfortunetly death happens, but we need one another to help with the coping of such a tragedy. I hope you can find help with employee assistance, take some time for yourself, and I wish you peace in your healing.
You have done a really great job, and you know that . Some of us are more affected by our work then others.The first person u need to take care of now is u, or u will not be able to do ur job or take care of ur family. If need be,take a few days off. When u go to work,ask for a walkie /talkie assisgnment,if possible,or a lighter one . Explain why, they will have ur back. Call employee assisstance and talk to someone. We have all been there and r behind ya 100 %. Good luck and keep us posted!
After being an ICU RN for the past 8 years, I can understand your emotional state. Sometimes because we see so much and have so much to deal with in the ICU, we feel we can handle anything. I know that I can distance myself emotionally from most situations enough so that I can do my job. But there are times when, for some reason, the situation hits home and emotions that have been suppressed for so long come out. The most difficult time that I had was when a former co-worker was a patient in my ICU. I was the nurse taking care of her that night. She was on the unit after having a minor stroke (unusual since she was only in her 30's). She was doing fine and we had several conversations concerning our prior work experiences at our former work place. I had been performing neuro checks with no changes. After taking care of my patient next door, I heard noises from her room and found her having a seizure. Her condition deteriorated, she coded and we ended up losing her. When her 18-year-old daughter (who just had a new baby) came in the room later, she broke down into hysterical tears. I still remember that to this day and I am sitting here crying just remembering it. I felt it was my fault and felt such guilt. Later I learned they found she had a clotting disorder and threw a shower of mini clots that night, so there was nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening. For a while, I seriously considered leaving the ICU, but didn't.
My advice for "Close to Breaking" is to try to distance yourself from work for a while. If you have some time off that you can take, do so. Make sure you are doing activities outside of work that you enjoy (particularly if you are someone who lives and breathes work even on your days off). Find someone who you can talk to and vent your feelings (either personal contact or professional). If you can cut your hours at work, maybe try that to create more time off from the ICU environment (that helped with my situation). If none of these works, it might be time to leave the ICU for a while and find some other area of nursing that you enjoy.
leslymill
461 Posts
You helped them mourn so much that now your in mourning yourself.
Mourning takes a few phases to get over.
Don't worry unless it effects your work. Then you need a vacation.
God considers mourning a blessing even though we feel like it is ripping our health apart.
I wish we could all stay unattached all the time.