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So, I am a recovering addict. I like to think of my addiction as "acute" "in remission" or dare I say it "cured".
I never tried a drug until I became a nurse. I didn't take them simply because they were accessible. I took them initially after a surgery for pain and then I took them because my body craved them so intensely that I would stoop to any level to get them.
I made my decision making "drug focused". Every action I took could be related to finding the drug, getting the drug and using the drug. I worked in the ICU and used 10 mg Morphine vials multiple times for post-op patients.
When a patient comes out of surgery it is really fast paced. The process of signing out and then wasting each unused drug took precious time away from patients. Why waste 8 mg's of MS when you will probably be giving an additional 2 mg's Q 10 mins for the 1st hour post-op anyway. So, you would give 2 mg's and put the vial in your pocket and pull it out each time you needed it until the patient was comfortable. Then you would chart the doses and waste what was left with another nurse.
One morning when I got home from work, I had forgotten to check my pockets. There it was. 6 mg's of MS. So, I set it aside and planned on taking it back on my next shift. But I had to put it someplace safe so no one would see it. What would they think.
It happened over and over again, intentionally, maybe, maybe not. Never used it, just put it in the drawer. I think I was afraid to use it cause what if I had a reaction? Or took too much and my kids found me on the floor unconscious?
One day, I put it in my hip. I felt like I was energized. I got so much done at home that day. After about a month of IM Demerol and Morphine, I had a patient on dilauded.
Took the excess drug home........along with an insulin syringe. I must have tried for 30 minutes to find a vein. I can find them blind-folded on my patients, but it is more difficult when your doing it upside down. After another month, I was shooting MS and demerol 4 or 5 times a day. But I did not believe I was an addict.
It all started with the Lortab after my tonsillectomy. I felt efficient, loving, attentive, smarter and focused when I took opiates. I didn't have to use every day. I was PRN so I would go a week without working and without using. I went on vacation for 2 weeks and didn't have any problems.
When I came back I worked 1 shift, took some dilauded and used it when I got off. I was called in the next day, I thought to work a shift, and was confronted by the DON, HR and several Admin nurses. I denied diverting but said I had partied while on vacation and would probably test + on the UDS.
Ignorant as I was, I gave them the urine and went home totally freaked out. I knew it would be positive and could not begin to imagine what would happen next. Looking back, I should have just quit and dealt with "suspicions" of diversion instead of giving them a dirty drug screen. But I didn't know I had a choice.
I broke down and told my husband that I was suspected, tested and probably terminated for using. But I didn't tell him what I used or that I was diverting. Told him it was Lortab, but I didn't have a current RX for it. So, when I was terminated and reported to TPAPN, I had to finally tell him what really happened. He reamed me up and down. Not supportive, did not recognize a "problem", just called me a junkie and was more concerned that I had potentially screwed my career. Our marriage is fine, believe it or not, and we only bring it up when we are really angry.
I have been sober since June 2 2006, the day after I got caught. Been through treatment, meetings and so on. I am working in LTC and have access to Lortab, MS tablets and Roxinal. Do I have cravings or feel compelled to take them? Nope. Did I learn my lesson? Yep.
But if you ask the professionals if I am "cured" they say there is "no cure". Once an addict, always an addict. But why? If I never did drugs until they were prescribed and have quit without issue and have proven my ability to be around the same drugs that I was addicted to?
Simply because I am the child of an alcoholic, the sister of an addict and the daughter of an undiagnosed and untreated mother with depression and bi-polar. Since I was molested as a child and my father died when I was 16. Since I slept around during high school so I could avoid the abuse at home. Since I dated men twice my age looking for a father figure until, Thank GOD, I met my husband and became a responsible adult and a mother.
Do all of these characteristic combined with the exposure to and subsequent physical addiction to Lortab define me as an addict for the rest of my life. Does that mean AA and NA meetings forever? Does that mean I can't drink at parties and dinner with friends because I might relapse and start using?
Someone please explain this to me. All addicts deny the addiction at some point in recovery, but don't people recover from the physical addiction and are strong enough to make the right choices when confronted with similar situations? HELP!! Thanks
Sorry, "high horse" is probably not a good description of those of us, inlcuing myself, offering opinions and advice. Let me just speak for myself. It is not up for me to say whether a person is an addict, how they should get clean or sober, and whether they have a chance to be "cured" or not. I can only offer up my experience but I can't judge another person, or tell them what they should think.Then again, if it smells like poop, looks like poop.............:)
I agree that if a poster comes asking for advice, then they should not shoot down the posters giving advice for not saying what they want to hear. That says to me that their mind is really made up and aren't open-minded to what we have to say anyway.
I agree.
Also, I would like to add one thing, , after reading all of these posts... actually , even before I read the posts.. I have come to the conclusion that an addict can NEVER BE "CURED"...
END OF STORY.
I hope that SOMEONE gets something out of this thread in the future.
I'm going to be nice and not say what I really want to say, because I truly believe that I have an obligation to help other recovering addicts who are in desperate need of support. In doing that, I help my own recovery.
I'm going to be nice and not say what I really want to say, because I truly believe that I have an obligation to help other recovering addicts who are in desperate need of support. In doing that, I help my own recovery.
I appreciate that approach. Sometimes we do indeed have to bite our tongues, and that's the best support we can offer someone. If someone isn't asking for help, is deep in denial, or decides they might be cured and wants to use to find out, all I can do is turn it over to universe without judgement and let them know I'll be there should they want to come back.
My addiction/malady/allergy to alcohol I do not believe can be cured. If there were a pill that would cure alcoholism, I would want to take two or three of them instead of one. It is mindset for me. After 12 years clean and sober, I still attend AA meetings regularly-about 3 times a week or so and have a home group. I stay active working with other alcoholics to remind myself what it was like and what it could be again. I have seen too many people relapse and have things get much worse before they come back or they don't come back and they die. Sure, there are some people who may not be addicts or alcoholics. Maybe they are the "hard drinkers" who if they have sufficient reason can quit on their own. I do not think I am one of those and I am not willing to gamble on it.
My life today if better than I ever imagined it would be. Going to AA is not a life sentence, a punishment, a hardship. To me, it is a privilege. It saved my life and introduced me to a Higher Power and I feel that I have an obligation to be there for the next suffering alcoholic. I did not use pills much. Mostly alcohol, but I do know that anything that changes the way I feel is something I need to avoid.
I have heard of people relapsing on alcohol after taking narcotics for pain for an extended period. And I have heard of those who drank alcohol and then started with the pills again. I am an alcoholic only when I say I am and I truly believe that if someone is not sure if they really have a problem, go out there and try it again. See what happens. Perhaps they will be fine or perhaps their life will turn to crap again. But I don't believe in trying to convince anyone that they have a problem. Attraction not promotion. AA/NA is not here for people that need it. It is for people that want it. Of course, the board of nursing is pretty strict on wanting meeting attendance documented and urine screens and all that if they want to keep their license but that is only for a few years. After that, it can be the person's choice to stay clean/sober or attend meetings.
I guess my short answer would be "no, true addiction cannot be cured, only abated' in my humble opinion. Best of luck to you.
First of all congratulations for becoming and staying clean. Im sure it was a long and hard process from start to finish. Unfortunatley, you will never be done with it.
I am not a professional, I have no training in addiction. I can tell you that I have dated a guy for over 2 years that went through the exact same thing as you. Though I met him after he was caught and went through rehab, I do know that it will never go away. He was an ICU nurse and did the same thing as you. He was caught and was sent to 3 months of rehab. From there he was sent into diversion. He has been in it for over 2 years and if everything goes as planned, he will be done in June.
His addiction ruined his life, but since he has been clean, the door to so many more opportunties has opened. He was not able to work in a hospital again till a little over a year ago. He was very nervous and has limitations at first. He now has no limitations but does not like being so close to the drugs at all times. Though he has not used, he does still feel the urge once in a while. This will probably never go away.
As an outsider looking in, I see how important meetings and support groups are. When I met him, I knew nothing about his addiction or an addict at all. He slowly let me in to his past and present. He went to almost daily meetings and still has to call every day to see if he has to be drug tested. He watches everything he eats to make sure there is no alcohol or poppy seeds because that could bring out a positive test.
I never judged him for anything. I was jealous for a while because his meetings took up so much time and I thought he was fine. Now I understand how important they are. He rarely goes to meetings now and I know that is some of the reason he is so tempted. He is trying to just teach in the hospital now to get out of the nursing part all together, but this will take time. I am his biggest supporter because I know EVERYTHING. I am the one now pushing him to go back to his meetings. I know he will never be over it completely and he will always need the reminder that he life was horrible, his withdrawls were horrible and he never wants to go through that again.
My suggestion to you is join a meeting if you havent. Find a group of people or one person that you can talk to about everything that has gone through it and can support you. It is never cured but I think with the will power and support group around you, you can always overcome it.
Remember you are not alone and there is a huge group of people (especially in the medical field) that have gone through your situation. I hope sharing someone else's experience will help.
Good luck and congratulations.
I'd ask you: does it matter? If I understand you correctly, you are looking for the security of putting the whole thing behind you or the security of knowing absolutely that you will never use again. I think these concepts are will'o'wisps, unrealistic and distracting you from more realistic goals.
If it pleases you, refer to yourself as cured. As long as you never use again, it doesn't really matter what label you hang on yourself. Just remember that being "cured" doesn't mean it is now safe for you to experiment. One can cure clogged cardiac arteries with a bypass, but that won't make a daily diet of potato chips safe! Both situations remain cured only as long as you modify your behavior to maintain that cure!
An example of a more productive, realistic goal might be to look into achieving those feelings of health and vibrancy without any drugs. If you could feel like that on demand, why would you even be attracted to them? Therapy might help, or meditation and general health-increasing practices like Yoga, fitness programs and self-hypnosis or positive affirmations. In other words, what healthy practices were you trying to shortcut with the drugs - maybe look into that question.
Anyway, don't let the label of addiction distract you from the reality it is pointing at. Getting hung up on the label might just lead away from noticing the things that would make your life wonderful from now on. I always feel it helps me more to look for what I want to be than for what I don't want to be.
D
I really am taking all your comments openly and appreciate the honesty and experience that comes with each post. I have no doubt that I could easily pick up a syringe or pill and take it and fall head first into addiction. I am a person who has overcome many things as a child and and adult. I have developed certain skills, good and bad, to get through rough times. I use God, my therapist and my past experiences to guide the choices I make daily. I insist on non-narcotic treatment and my doctor's and dentist are aware of my history and potential for opiate abuse. I don't mean to be defensive, I just feel threatened by the stigma of addiction, the judgment and pity from others and the loss of respect by my peers. I believe in remission from addiction, it needs to be monitored and will always be mindful of it's effect on me personally. I am a better nurse, mom, wife and christian because of my experiences. Bless you all for your heartfelt advice. Thanks.
Re: Can Addiction be "Cured" "The fact that Lortab gave you 'energy' is a big redflag to me. Most likely that is because it deadened your psychic pain. Lortab isn't exactly a stimulant."
One of the side effects of narcotics is euphoria which feels stimulating to me. I use it for pain bug I have to be careful with it.
Dorianna
Dear longhornfan1,
Thank you for sharing with us your story. I am a student nurse at this point in my life, nursing will be my third career. I was a college teacher before, and I am a certified clinical drug/alcohol counselor since 2002 in Wisconsin and a certified drug/alcohol counselor level 2 in California for in California drug alcohol counselors do not have the type of credentials the state of Wisconsin confers to those who earn it.
What is your specific concern?...is it the label "addict" and the emotional charge an implications about your character what has inspired your wish to use another label by calling yourself "cured"? What "cured" means to you in relation to your addiction? Your past as you described it as being the daughter of alcoholic parents, your depression, etc., does not make you an addict. The environment, history, your parents and siblings place you at high risk. Addiction is a psychological and physical description of repeated negative choices you made in the past. You recognize that an addiction has a physiological as well as a psychological component which you described both accurately. The Random House Webster Unabridged Dictionary, 2 edition says that -addiction is the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extend that its cessation causes severe trauma.- the physiological component of your disease is no longer there to torment you, as you said, you no longer has physical cravings, and we all celebrate your success. The absence of physical cravings, it is perhaps what you mean by "cured". The same dictionary that I quoted before says that "cured" means making well, whole, the total eradication of disease or illness. Once again the dictionary is talking about the physical aspects of a disease. However, an addiction has a biological-psychiatric component. The human brain use neurotransmitters or natural chemicals which mimic the action of drugs such as heroin and morphine. The specific region of the brain involved in doing that is a collection of neurons or brain cells within the forebrain called nucleus accumbens. The nucleous accumbens plays a role in the memory of pleasure we all derive from activities such as food, sex, pain relieve, laughter and even addicition. In moments of stress we all want to relieve the pressure of an unpleasant experience by remembering activities that brought us pleasure, so that we go back to do whatever activity made us feel good. That is in a nutshell the reward system which drives us all. When a person is using drugs to stimulate the nucleous accumbens which has an internal memory of our very individual reward system, those actions we do to stimulate it and the pleasure we got from doing that become a permanent memory in the nucleous accumbens. When you were seeking comfort from pain, and the other "perks" you mentioned from using drugs it made a memory in your pleasure center in the brain and so that you were constantly seeking relief even when knowing it was wrong which is the hallmark of an addiction. The physical withdrawals you had when you did not have drugs are the hallmark of drug dependency. Therefore, there is a memory in you of whatever activity you engaged that brought relief from pain. That is why you cannot consider yourself "cured" for that memory is alive and well. You may no longer have the physical symptoms, but the psychological symptoms of an addiction are very much there, and it is important that you recognize them. What is your support system for managing that aspect of your addiction? Did your family get counseling, as well? The entire nuclear family is affected when one of its members is afflicted with an addiction; therefore, your significant other would benefit from counseling, as well.
These are attitudes that place recovering persons in relapse mode:
a) sobriety is boring
b) I'll never drink or use again
c) I can do it myself
d) I am not as bad as...
e) I owe this one to me
f) My problems cannot be solved
g) I wish I was happy
h) Nobody else care, why should I?
i) I don't care
j) Things have changed
k) I can substitute
l) They don't know what they are talking about
m) There's got to be a better way
n) I can't change the way I think
o) If I move, everything will change
p) I like my old friends
q) I can do things differently
r) Nobody needs to know how I feel
s) I'm depressed
t) I see things my way only
u) I feel hopeless
v) I can handle it
x) If I hide behind everyone's problems, I won't have to face my own
y) I can't do it
z) why try
The Event: A return to the use of alcohol and/or drugs. Thanks for sharing with us your thoughts. feliz3
Sorry you don't want to hear from someone who has a ETOH problem!
Reading your postings a couple of things stick out to me. I don't beleive that any addiction is curable. You didn't mention if you still go to meetings or not, but I'd suggest that you do and also that you get a sponsor in either NA or AA. I'd also like to suggest ACOA meetings (Adult children of Alcoholics) to help you understand the effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent. It might also help you better understand issues you might have in your marriage.
The fact that you continue to pass meds and don't feel any temptation to use is not that impressive. That you would even mention it at all is a concern to me. Sounds like you are a "ticking time bomb". Most people with two years in recovery don't have the need to go into detail about their using or make excuses for what happened.
Good luck to you.
I view addiction much like cancer... Can you cure cancer? No. Can cancer go into 'remission'? Yes. I think addiction can be put into 'remission' where you aren't addicted/using but you still have that potential lurking- always possible to recur. MHO.
I think some people are helped by viewing it as "once an addict, always an addict"- but others aren't. Some view it as "if I'm an addict- why bother fighting it" and use that as an excuse to start using again. So- if it helps you- IMO it doesn't matter WHAT you believe regarding addiction- "once an addict, always an addict" or "Cured/recovered/no-longer-an-addict".
I really am taking all your comments openly and appreciate the honesty and experience that comes with each post. I have no doubt that I could easily pick up a syringe or pill and take it and fall head first into addiction. I am a person who has overcome many things as a child and and adult. I have developed certain skills, good and bad, to get through rough times. I use God, my therapist and my past experiences to guide the choices I make daily. I insist on non-narcotic treatment and my doctor's and dentist are aware of my history and potential for opiate abuse. I don't mean to be defensive, I just feel threatened by the stigma of addiction, the judgment and pity from others and the loss of respect by my peers. I believe in remission from addiction, it needs to be monitored and will always be mindful of it's effect on me personally. I am a better nurse, mom, wife and christian because of my experiences. Bless you all for your heartfelt advice. Thanks.
I too, went through a disgustingly horrific time as a child, so much so, that I have nothing to contribute when people begin talking about their families, there is nothing but disturbing memories and why subject unsuspecting strangers to that, but I digress.
I found drugs rather early on, including alcohol, and over 15 years ago stopped all that nonsense. I didn't use any self help groups, I did it on my own.
A number of years later, I easily drank one beer or one cocktail and didn't want another drink and really thought I was done with all that. It was a phase, I thought.
This past year, I lost my best friend of 20 years, moved yet again to a remote place where I know not a soul, and certainly no one I with whom I can relate on any emotional level, started ICU, faced incurring 20k in debt to avert a foreclosure before sale of my home a thousand miles away, went through a miscarriage and most recently, suffered a stillbirth just two weeks shy of the anniversary of my best friend's sudden death.
I drank and watched myself drink wondering if I was crossing the line, because I was easily drinking two or three drinks, and then a few weeks ago I drank a bottle and a half of wine and threw up all over everything.
So, I guess I still have it in me to screw up. Monumentally screw up. I don't want my son to be touched by this. I never EVER want my son to even have the slightest chance of ever seeing his mom drunk, so I stopped all flirting with alcohol for good. All those years iof no iussues, I really thought I was done with that.
Even though, I love to find an excellent wine or beer. Even though I take great pride in my palette and enjoy detecting licorice or pepper or chocolate or blackcurrent in my wines, I won't ever drink again.
You choose your own reality, but don't delude yourself.
Atheos
2,098 Posts
Rascal -
There is no tempting fate. I've identified my addictions (not including those as of yet unknown).
They are smoking, food and cocaine.
Any one of those elicits a response when I don't indulge in them to one degree or another. They definitely escalate when used.
Not one of the other drugs that I tried in my teen years create that feeling. They don't work. Even alcohol.
So yes I do drink occasionaly. I haven't drunk to excess since 21. I don't even remember what 'drunk' feels like.
If you want to get technical I was never an alcoholic as people use the word. I was a binge drinker.