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So, I am a recovering addict. I like to think of my addiction as "acute" "in remission" or dare I say it "cured".
I never tried a drug until I became a nurse. I didn't take them simply because they were accessible. I took them initially after a surgery for pain and then I took them because my body craved them so intensely that I would stoop to any level to get them.
I made my decision making "drug focused". Every action I took could be related to finding the drug, getting the drug and using the drug. I worked in the ICU and used 10 mg Morphine vials multiple times for post-op patients.
When a patient comes out of surgery it is really fast paced. The process of signing out and then wasting each unused drug took precious time away from patients. Why waste 8 mg's of MS when you will probably be giving an additional 2 mg's Q 10 mins for the 1st hour post-op anyway. So, you would give 2 mg's and put the vial in your pocket and pull it out each time you needed it until the patient was comfortable. Then you would chart the doses and waste what was left with another nurse.
One morning when I got home from work, I had forgotten to check my pockets. There it was. 6 mg's of MS. So, I set it aside and planned on taking it back on my next shift. But I had to put it someplace safe so no one would see it. What would they think.
It happened over and over again, intentionally, maybe, maybe not. Never used it, just put it in the drawer. I think I was afraid to use it cause what if I had a reaction? Or took too much and my kids found me on the floor unconscious?
One day, I put it in my hip. I felt like I was energized. I got so much done at home that day. After about a month of IM Demerol and Morphine, I had a patient on dilauded.
Took the excess drug home........along with an insulin syringe. I must have tried for 30 minutes to find a vein. I can find them blind-folded on my patients, but it is more difficult when your doing it upside down. After another month, I was shooting MS and demerol 4 or 5 times a day. But I did not believe I was an addict.
It all started with the Lortab after my tonsillectomy. I felt efficient, loving, attentive, smarter and focused when I took opiates. I didn't have to use every day. I was PRN so I would go a week without working and without using. I went on vacation for 2 weeks and didn't have any problems.
When I came back I worked 1 shift, took some dilauded and used it when I got off. I was called in the next day, I thought to work a shift, and was confronted by the DON, HR and several Admin nurses. I denied diverting but said I had partied while on vacation and would probably test + on the UDS.
Ignorant as I was, I gave them the urine and went home totally freaked out. I knew it would be positive and could not begin to imagine what would happen next. Looking back, I should have just quit and dealt with "suspicions" of diversion instead of giving them a dirty drug screen. But I didn't know I had a choice.
I broke down and told my husband that I was suspected, tested and probably terminated for using. But I didn't tell him what I used or that I was diverting. Told him it was Lortab, but I didn't have a current RX for it. So, when I was terminated and reported to TPAPN, I had to finally tell him what really happened. He reamed me up and down. Not supportive, did not recognize a "problem", just called me a junkie and was more concerned that I had potentially screwed my career. Our marriage is fine, believe it or not, and we only bring it up when we are really angry.
I have been sober since June 2 2006, the day after I got caught. Been through treatment, meetings and so on. I am working in LTC and have access to Lortab, MS tablets and Roxinal. Do I have cravings or feel compelled to take them? Nope. Did I learn my lesson? Yep.
But if you ask the professionals if I am "cured" they say there is "no cure". Once an addict, always an addict. But why? If I never did drugs until they were prescribed and have quit without issue and have proven my ability to be around the same drugs that I was addicted to?
Simply because I am the child of an alcoholic, the sister of an addict and the daughter of an undiagnosed and untreated mother with depression and bi-polar. Since I was molested as a child and my father died when I was 16. Since I slept around during high school so I could avoid the abuse at home. Since I dated men twice my age looking for a father figure until, Thank GOD, I met my husband and became a responsible adult and a mother.
Do all of these characteristic combined with the exposure to and subsequent physical addiction to Lortab define me as an addict for the rest of my life. Does that mean AA and NA meetings forever? Does that mean I can't drink at parties and dinner with friends because I might relapse and start using?
Someone please explain this to me. All addicts deny the addiction at some point in recovery, but don't people recover from the physical addiction and are strong enough to make the right choices when confronted with similar situations? HELP!! Thanks
My vies on drug addiction dont walk hand in hand with the medical views of it. When I am in a professional setting, I for the most part keep my views to myself, they are not popular. In a personal/social situation, I'll say whatever it is I feel I should say.
Do I think drug/alcohol addiction can be cured? Well, no...........but thats another story. I dont believe drug addicts are "special" or "different" from the avg. everyday social uses. I believe they are just the victim of their own bad choices. I dont belive there is anything in their DNA that makes them a victim as opposed to being responsible for their actions.
Do I think abusers can become social users? I've seen it (with alcohol and pot smoking or cocaine, never dilaudid). But there is something inherently different about these people. They are accountable, they dont think what they did or do has anything to do with a "disease" that they are the victim of.
So, in short, I would respond "No", you are not "cured". Your post is packed with the everyday ramblings of someone in the addiction who has not taken on accountability for their actions. It is my belief that if you continue to use, you will continue to divert pain medications and will eventualy find yourself unemployeable. So, unfortunately, it comes down to abstenence or continued abuse for you. There are people who use socially at home and never once divert while on the job. You are not one of them.
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/472497
try this link to broaden you views on "bad choices". If I take PCN and get a rash, do I take it again? No, because I have had a physical reaction that tells me I am allergic, my body does not process it on a molecular level. I believe this site will help you understand the similarities between drug allergy and "DRUG" allergy. Maybe?
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/472497try this link to broaden you views on "bad choices". If I take PCN and get a rash, do I take it again? No, because I have had a physical reaction that tells me I am allergic, my body does not process it on a molecular level. I believe this site will help you understand the similarities between drug allergy and "DRUG" allergy. Maybe?
Very good example of what my first post was talking about. I post that I dont think you can use or consider yourself "cured", and your first reaction is to send me a link so I can "broaden your views on bad choices". Can I buy a cup of accountability anyone?
Lets see...........my license has never been under investigation or suspended because I dont divert drugs. I've never been asked to submit a urine sample for suspition of diverting drugs. I've never had a meeting with the DON, HR or anyone else for anything drug related. So, on a professional level, my views work pretty well (which BTW are abstenence unless you subscribe to the theory that drinking on occasion is using drugs, which I dont).
On a social level, I continue to have friends that use and those who are more like me and dont. Those who delve into social use know not to bring it to my house and not to invite me to whatever the occasion is if it will be going on. I am particular about the complany I keep, so no problems with users asking me for money or trying to break into my house either. My "view" is.........."I dont use drugs, no reason for me to have someone in my life who brings the consequences of drug use into my home, they can deal with that themselves." Not the most TLC view, but it works.
So............why would I want to "broden my views"? My views work just fine as they are, on a professional and social level both. Would it be to better understand your refusal to take accountability? To have more empathy for people in your situation? Thats doesnt help me at all. I dont see any advantage in that for me. If anything, I like the fact that the twisted reality of abusers makes not sense to me and doesnt work for me. I see that as a good thing.
As far as accountability goes..........again, its no coincidence your first reaction, your knee jerk reaction, is to direct me to a site that better supports your theory. Its in the nature of an abuser to expect others to change to meet their criteria or to "broader their views" even when their way is obviously not working. Its almost laughable that you'd suspect I would even be slightly interested in changeing my mind.
Now, if you are sereous about being a social user instead of an abuser, I would suggest first takeing responsibility for what has happened so far. Admit that you diverted drugs. Get counseling, enter the program offered by the state for recovering addicts who continue to work in the field. That would be accountability. Even if you end up decideing nursing is not for you, at the very least patients who truly need pain management will no longer suffer your care.............and to me, that is the most important goal of all.
Now, if you are sereous about being a social user instead of an abuser, I would suggest first takeing responsibility for what has happened so far. Admit that you diverted drugs. Get counseling, enter the program offered by the state for recovering addicts who continue to work in the field. That would be accountability. Even if you end up decideing nursing is not for you, at the very least patients who truly need pain management will no longer suffer your care.............and to me, that is the most important goal of all.
I agree with Eriksoln.
OP, you are trying to intellectualize yourself out of this mess somehow...
I just got a PM saying that "they never met an addict who wanted to go back"Here is my reply.
Clarify, they may not want to go back to the consequences, but they want to go back to the "feeling" or there would be no talk about "triggers" and the whole relapse prevention mantra. I am not saying I did not have a major problem, I am just saying, I quit because I got caught. No rehab, no withdrawals, no step work, the consequences far outweighed the "benefits". I have already been through therapy and have done some major "work" and have found the "ROOT CAUSE" for my switch from pills to IV drugs. I had to be perfect. I was always the good kid, the peace-maker and I said and did anything I had to do to make everyone happy. I felt smarter, efficient, patient with my kids and my husband, less and less like the mother I feared I would become (my mom was abusive/physical/mental) and I was performing so well in my RN courses/clinicals that the instructor had me teaching the other students. I was getting so much + feedback while I was using, I had no desire to quit. I knew it was wrong to take the meds, but don't we all have some moment where we knowingly do the wrong thing? Something we are really ashamed to admit. I had no impulse control before I started on the lortab. I had done some horrible, awful, shameful, unforgivable things, things I have only admitted to my therapist. When I was taking lortab, I was in control of my anger. But, now I have developed better coping skills and I have come to accept that I don't need meds to be patient, I just need to put in the effort. With the pills, it was effortless, they did the work for me. So, anyway. I have no cravings, no AA, no steps, just my guilt, my GOD and my desire to change.
Why can't this be enough?
It certainly can be enough and don't let anyone tell you it isn't. The important thing is that you're not using and you have the self-awareness to quit and stay quit. No need for you to defend yourself to us or anyone else because it doesn't matter that you didn't follow the same program as some of us. Some of us need to get off our high horse. Congratulations! That's the UU/Humanist in me coming out I suppose, because I know there are many ways to get to sobriety and we each have a story that is uniquely our own, while having much in common at the same time. We have to allow one another our own way and be accepting and supporting of one another.
I think the person that pm'd you is wrong. I know a lot of addicts that would love to get high, but they don't want the consequences, and have a program or skills to have the sense not to use. A lot of addicts quit kicking and screaming not because they really wanted to stop. A lot of addicts enjoy being high.
Edit: I thought one time I was "cured" after six years of being clean and sober and used socially for a while. Those were the exact words I remember telling a sober friend "I think I'm cured now and can drink safely. I won't do drugs though because my nursing license doesn't allow that." I thought that after six years of intense work and self-awareness surely I can have a drink or two without consequence and falling back into old patterns. For about six months I was able to have a drink or two and be fine, but eventually spiraled out of control again and have been clean and sober now again for 12 years. That's my story. It doesn't mean someone else can't come along and be cured and drink and drug on a casual basis. They need to try for themselves if they feel that strongly about it. I've seen many other people fail as well. I have a dear friend who went to prison for cyrstal meth problems after he decided he was cured.
Again, I say many a person has died, gone to jail, etc. for "just one more high", or "I can control it", or "I'll quit tomorrow".
But by all means, anyone who wants to take the chance they are cured should find out for themselves without me saying they can't be cured. Because there will always be people that can do it.
Guess I better get off my high horse as well. LOL
i haven't seen anyone on their high horse.
op comes starts a thread to specifically elicit feedback.
when posters spoke their mind, she appeared to react.
anyways, i know how addiction works...
and it involves a lot of intense, complicated dynamics.
regardless of some of the more outspoken responses, i do believe everyone really does wish her well.
leslie
I think everyone is panicking. Longhorn had a valid question.There IS a significant difference between abuse and addiction...
Viva, you talk about alcohol. That you can NEVER have the alcohol again. That's addiction plain and simple.
I, however, was drinking alcohol like a fish from 13 to 21ish. By the time I stopped I was drinking fifths like people drink cans of beer. I drink now but there is no pull, no craving, not inability to stop, no bad consequences, no drinking to illness.
I was an alcohol abuser. Despite YEARS of drinking EVERY day in the end I was never an alcohol addict. I was an abuser.
Smoking though... I am addicted to smoking. It's a completely different monster than the alcohol. The cigarettes have me like alcohol had you Viva. But the alcohol NEVER had me. It just seemed like it did.
There is a big difference between the two words. Not merely 'semantics.'
As an aside, my shrink in those days INSISTED I was an alcoholic. Bleh...
Of course, I am in no way condoning any behavior by the OP. Merely pointing out that little tidbit that shouldn't be overlooked.
Wow....Stan... I'm just plain punch drunk after reading all these posts,semantics,denial,they all abound ... Some red flags come jumping out of your post. You said, "By the time I stopped"...just wondering..why did you stop ? And I really hope this isn't true,but did you ever or do you now think or worry that you might be tempting fate by playing with semantics here ? What I mean is do you really want to risk igniting a possible addiction with regards to alcohol? And by "risk",I mean drinking in excess every day. Since you do show some addictive tendencies(cig.smoking). Just some food for thought.....
i haven't seen anyone on their high horse.op comes starts a thread to specifically elicit feedback.
when posters spoke their mind, she appeared to react.
anyways, i know how addiction works...
and it involves a lot of intense, complicated dynamics.
regardless of some of the more outspoken responses, i do believe everyone really does wish her well.
leslie
Sorry, "high horse" is probably not a good description of those of us, inlcuing myself, offering opinions and advice. Let me just speak for myself. It is not up for me to say whether a person is an addict, how they should get clean or sober, and whether they have a chance to be "cured" or not. I can only offer up my experience but I can't judge another person, or tell them what they should think.
Then again, if it smells like poop, looks like poop.............:)
I agree that if a poster comes asking for advice, then they should not shoot down the posters giving advice for not saying what they want to hear. That says to me that their mind is really made up and aren't open-minded to what we have to say anyway.
Sorry, "high horse" is probably not a good description of those of us, inlcuing myself, offering opinions and advice. Let me just speak for myself. It is not up for me to say whether a person is an addict, how they should get clean or sober, and whether they have a chance to be "cured" or not. I can only offer up my experience but I can't judge another person, or tell them what they should think.Then again, if it smells like poop, looks like poop.............:)
I agree that if a poster comes asking for advice, then they should not shoot down the posters giving advice for not saying what they want to hear. That says to me that their mind is really made up and aren't open-minded to what we have to say anyway.
Yep....Tweety, it smells and looks a lot like poop and lotttttts of it !!!
longhornfan1
64 Posts
I am an excellent clinician. I was one of three LVN's working in ICU. I took every patient except a fresh heart. But I did everything else. I was working full time in the ICU/CVICU when I had my tonsillectomy. Started my third semester 6 weeks after the surgery. I started diverting IV narcs about 6 weeks before the semester ended. Got caught during the summer break, had to delay the last semester, but finished my RN with honors. I used/diverted for 6 weeks total. Max dose of 20 mg's MS a day, but was prn, so I took maybe 100mg's MS, 500 mg Demerol and 10 mg Dilaud. Went on vacation for 2 weeks then worked one shift and got called for UDS. Only used as an LVN. Been "clean" since 6/2/06