So, I am a recovering addict. I like to think of my addiction as "acute" "in remission" or dare I say it "cured".
I never tried a drug until I became a nurse. I didn't take them simply because they were accessible. I took them initially after a surgery for pain and then I took them because my body craved them so intensely that I would stoop to any level to get them.
I made my decision making "drug focused". Every action I took could be related to finding the drug, getting the drug and using the drug. I worked in the ICU and used 10 mg Morphine vials multiple times for post-op patients.
When a patient comes out of surgery it is really fast paced. The process of signing out and then wasting each unused drug took precious time away from patients. Why waste 8 mg's of MS when you will probably be giving an additional 2 mg's Q 10 mins for the 1st hour post-op anyway. So, you would give 2 mg's and put the vial in your pocket and pull it out each time you needed it until the patient was comfortable. Then you would chart the doses and waste what was left with another nurse.
One morning when I got home from work, I had forgotten to check my pockets. There it was. 6 mg's of MS. So, I set it aside and planned on taking it back on my next shift. But I had to put it someplace safe so no one would see it. What would they think.
It happened over and over again, intentionally, maybe, maybe not. Never used it, just put it in the drawer. I think I was afraid to use it cause what if I had a reaction? Or took too much and my kids found me on the floor unconscious?
One day, I put it in my hip. I felt like I was energized. I got so much done at home that day. After about a month of IM Demerol and Morphine, I had a patient on dilauded.
Took the excess drug home........along with an insulin syringe. I must have tried for 30 minutes to find a vein. I can find them blind-folded on my patients, but it is more difficult when your doing it upside down. After another month, I was shooting MS and demerol 4 or 5 times a day. But I did not believe I was an addict.
It all started with the Lortab after my tonsillectomy. I felt efficient, loving, attentive, smarter and focused when I took opiates. I didn't have to use every day. I was PRN so I would go a week without working and without using. I went on vacation for 2 weeks and didn't have any problems.
When I came back I worked 1 shift, took some dilauded and used it when I got off. I was called in the next day, I thought to work a shift, and was confronted by the DON, HR and several Admin nurses. I denied diverting but said I had partied while on vacation and would probably test + on the UDS.
Ignorant as I was, I gave them the urine and went home totally freaked out. I knew it would be positive and could not begin to imagine what would happen next. Looking back, I should have just quit and dealt with "suspicions" of diversion instead of giving them a dirty drug screen. But I didn't know I had a choice.
I broke down and told my husband that I was suspected, tested and probably terminated for using. But I didn't tell him what I used or that I was diverting. Told him it was Lortab, but I didn't have a current RX for it. So, when I was terminated and reported to TPAPN, I had to finally tell him what really happened. He reamed me up and down. Not supportive, did not recognize a "problem", just called me a junkie and was more concerned that I had potentially screwed my career. Our marriage is fine, believe it or not, and we only bring it up when we are really angry.
I have been sober since June 2 2006, the day after I got caught. Been through treatment, meetings and so on. I am working in LTC and have access to Lortab, MS tablets and Roxinal. Do I have cravings or feel compelled to take them? Nope. Did I learn my lesson? Yep.
But if you ask the professionals if I am "cured" they say there is "no cure". Once an addict, always an addict. But why? If I never did drugs until they were prescribed and have quit without issue and have proven my ability to be around the same drugs that I was addicted to?
Simply because I am the child of an alcoholic, the sister of an addict and the daughter of an undiagnosed and untreated mother with depression and bi-polar. Since I was molested as a child and my father died when I was 16. Since I slept around during high school so I could avoid the abuse at home. Since I dated men twice my age looking for a father figure until, Thank GOD, I met my husband and became a responsible adult and a mother.
Do all of these characteristic combined with the exposure to and subsequent physical addiction to Lortab define me as an addict for the rest of my life. Does that mean AA and NA meetings forever? Does that mean I can't drink at parties and dinner with friends because I might relapse and start using?
Someone please explain this to me. All addicts deny the addiction at some point in recovery, but don't people recover from the physical addiction and are strong enough to make the right choices when confronted with similar situations? HELP!! Thanks
jackstem
670 Posts
Again, use your arguments and replace the disease of addiction with any other chronic disease. Yes, you can find the rare instance where someone "beat the habit" on there own.
And yes, the current paradigm of waiting until an addict hits bottom and then finally attempting short term, acute care techniques for a chronic disease will fail, just like it does for cancer, hyperstension, etc. What is your definition of remission/recovery? Six months? One year?, or a lifetime? If someone relapses in the first year, does that mean treatment failed? Or does it mean more aggressive treatment for a longer period of time will provide a better outcome? What about "relapse" in other chronic diseases? The most common reason a person with diabetes, hypertension and other chronic disease returns to the hospital for an exacerbation of the disease is because they fail to follow their treatment plan. It's interesting that we seem to overlook that with these other diseases. Could it be that they are more "acceptable" diseases to suffer with? After all, doesn't the addict do this to themselves? Ahhhhhh, but doesn't the person with lung cancer who smoked do it to themselves? How about the adult onset diabetic who doesn't exercise, overeats cause their disease? How about the person who eats a diet high in saturated fats, sodium, and the only exercise they get is pushing the button on their remote? Don't they deserve whateverhappens to them?
No, wait! We continue to do research. We do our best to educate them and their children to eat a healthier diet, continue to be pysically active, don't smoke, etc.? Why is it when we try to do the same with this disease we continue to meet the resistance and the anecdotal "proof" offered that treatment doesn't work and we should just give up? Besides, they did it to themselves and they deserve what happens. If they had any insight or willpower, if they just cared about their family more, then they would stop doing this.
These arguments wouldn't be accepted for other diseases, and they hold no credance when it comes to the disease of addiction. Your arguments remind mevery much of the ones that were given for those about where the earth is in relationship to other celestial bodies, that the earth was falt, that diease couldn't possible be caused by little organisms we can't see, and on, and on, and on.
Believe what you will. I prefer to go with science.