Can Addiction be "Cured"

[longhornfan1]

So, I am a recovering addict. I like to think of my addiction as "acute" "in remission" or dare I say it "cured".

I never tried a drug until I became a nurse. I didn't take them simply because they were accessible. I took them initially after a surgery for pain and then I took them because my body craved them so intensely that I would stoop to any level to get them.

I made my decision making "drug focused". Every action I took could be related to finding the drug, getting the drug and using the drug. I worked in the ICU and used 10 mg Morphine vials multiple times for post-op patients.

When a patient comes out of surgery it is really fast paced. The process of signing out and then wasting each unused drug took precious time away from patients. Why waste 8 mg's of MS when you will probably be giving an additional 2 mg's Q 10 mins for the 1st hour post-op anyway. So, you would give 2 mg's and put the vial in your pocket and pull it out each time you needed it until the patient was comfortable. Then you would chart the doses and waste what was left with another nurse.

One morning when I got home from work, I had forgotten to check my pockets. There it was. 6 mg's of MS. So, I set it aside and planned on taking it back on my next shift. But I had to put it someplace safe so no one would see it. What would they think.

It happened over and over again, intentionally, maybe, maybe not. Never used it, just put it in the drawer. I think I was afraid to use it cause what if I had a reaction? Or took too much and my kids found me on the floor unconscious?

One day, I put it in my hip. I felt like I was energized. I got so much done at home that day. After about a month of IM Demerol and Morphine, I had a patient on dilauded.

Took the excess drug home........along with an insulin syringe. I must have tried for 30 minutes to find a vein. I can find them blind-folded on my patients, but it is more difficult when your doing it upside down. After another month, I was shooting MS and demerol 4 or 5 times a day. But I did not believe I was an addict.

It all started with the Lortab after my tonsillectomy. I felt efficient, loving, attentive, smarter and focused when I took opiates. I didn't have to use every day. I was PRN so I would go a week without working and without using. I went on vacation for 2 weeks and didn't have any problems.

When I came back I worked 1 shift, took some dilauded and used it when I got off. I was called in the next day, I thought to work a shift, and was confronted by the DON, HR and several Admin nurses. I denied diverting but said I had partied while on vacation and would probably test + on the UDS.

Ignorant as I was, I gave them the urine and went home totally freaked out. I knew it would be positive and could not begin to imagine what would happen next. Looking back, I should have just quit and dealt with "suspicions" of diversion instead of giving them a dirty drug screen. But I didn't know I had a choice.

I broke down and told my husband that I was suspected, tested and probably terminated for using. But I didn't tell him what I used or that I was diverting. Told him it was Lortab, but I didn't have a current RX for it. So, when I was terminated and reported to TPAPN, I had to finally tell him what really happened. He reamed me up and down. Not supportive, did not recognize a "problem", just called me a junkie and was more concerned that I had potentially screwed my career. Our marriage is fine, believe it or not, and we only bring it up when we are really angry.

I have been sober since June 2 2006, the day after I got caught. Been through treatment, meetings and so on. I am working in LTC and have access to Lortab, MS tablets and Roxinal. Do I have cravings or feel compelled to take them? Nope. Did I learn my lesson? Yep.

But if you ask the professionals if I am "cured" they say there is "no cure". Once an addict, always an addict. But why? If I never did drugs until they were prescribed and have quit without issue and have proven my ability to be around the same drugs that I was addicted to?

Simply because I am the child of an alcoholic, the sister of an addict and the daughter of an undiagnosed and untreated mother with depression and bi-polar. Since I was molested as a child and my father died when I was 16. Since I slept around during high school so I could avoid the abuse at home. Since I dated men twice my age looking for a father figure until, Thank GOD, I met my husband and became a responsible adult and a mother.

Do all of these characteristic combined with the exposure to and subsequent physical addiction to Lortab define me as an addict for the rest of my life. Does that mean AA and NA meetings forever? Does that mean I can't drink at parties and dinner with friends because I might relapse and start using?

Someone please explain this to me. All addicts deny the addiction at some point in recovery, but don't people recover from the physical addiction and are strong enough to make the right choices when confronted with similar situations? HELP!! Thanks

[Atheos]

I drank and watched myself drink wondering if I was crossing the line, because I was easily drinking two or three drinks, and then a few weeks ago I drank a bottle and a half of wine and threw up all over everything.

You've confused me. How does one go from drinking 2-3 drinks, which in and of itself isn't crossing the line to drinking a bottle and a half of wine???

I'm assuming there is no time in between where it built up to that.

[geekgolightly, BSN, RN]

You've confused me. How does one go from drinking 2-3 drinks, which in and of itself isn't crossing the line to drinking a bottle and a half of wine???

Well that's exactly it. I was drinking two drinks at a time, which for me, was weird, because I hadn't done that. And then one night I drank all that wine at once. That's what happens when you're an addict. All of a sudden, one day you're just there. Fortunately I was sort of an impartial observer during my increase of drinking and then the day it went over the line, I was able to recognize it instead of rationalizing "oh, one mistake, no big deal. It's been 15 years I'm FINE," because I know it's not fine.

IMHO, three drinks is really crossing a line. But that's neither here nor there in this discussion.

[Wishinonastar, BSN]

I don't think that you understand enough about addiction. Addiction is a permanent condition. You can stop using, but you are always addicted to what you used. For instance, I was a smoker for many years. If I pick up a cigarette today I will stimulate the addiction and I may have trouble letting go of the urge to smoke again. I will pick up right where I left off when I quit in 1989. No honeymoon phase, no gradual deepening need and increasing use until I become addicted to it. I am already there and my body will always remember it. An alcoholic who quits cannot be a social drinker no matter how long it has been since they quit. They pick up a bottle and those receptors recognize it- "ummm baby, where you been?"- and boom, next thing you know they are back on a three day blackout binge waking up naked next to a stranger and broke. You get my drift.

So, I am an ex-smoker. You are an ex-opiate user, but you and I are both addicts. We can never go back. You are not alone, it can happen to anyone. Don't feel bad. Just accept this part of your past and grow from it. Thank God nothing terrible happened like someone getting killed because of your being impaired.

Now that being said I will add that I do not believe that everyone who abuses drugs is an addict. If you do it often enough you probably will become one, but drug abuse alone is something that many people do by choice. They can stop, and don't need the drug, but like it and use it occasionally. Think New Years Eve drunks. Maybe they never drink otherwise but by gosh they get wasted on New Years Eve. Your behavior sounds more like addiction than just abuse though. When you can't control it and start breaking the law over it you are out of control.

[Atheos]

Now that being said I will add that I do not believe that everyone who abuses drugs is an addict. If you do it often enough you probably will become one, but drug abuse alone is something that many people do by choice. They can stop, and don't need the drug, but like it and use it occasionally. Think New Years Eve drunks. Maybe they never drink otherwise but by gosh they get wasted on New Years Eve. Your behavior sounds more like addiction than just abuse though. When you can't control it and start breaking the law over it you are out of control.

EXACTLY!

[Magsulfate, BSN, RN]

I don't think that you understand enough about addiction. Addiction is a permanent condition. You can stop using, but you are always addicted to what you used. For instance, I was a smoker for many years. If I pick up a cigarette today I will stimulate the addiction and I may have trouble letting go of the urge to smoke again. I will pick up right where I left off when I quit in 1989. No honeymoon phase, no gradual deepening need and increasing use until I become addicted to it. I am already there and my body will always remember it. An alcoholic who quits cannot be a social drinker no matter how long it has been since they quit. They pick up a bottle and those receptors recognize it- "ummm baby, where you been?"- and boom, next thing you know they are back on a three day blackout binge waking up naked next to a stranger and broke. You get my drift.

So, I am an ex-smoker. You are an ex-opiate user, but you and I are both addicts. We can never go back. You are not alone, it can happen to anyone. Don't feel bad. Just accept this part of your past and grow from it. Thank God nothing terrible happened like someone getting killed because of your being impaired.

Now that being said I will add that I do not believe that everyone who abuses drugs is an addict. If you do it often enough you probably will become one, but drug abuse alone is something that many people do by choice. They can stop, and don't need the drug, but like it and use it occasionally. Think New Years Eve drunks. Maybe they never drink otherwise but by gosh they get wasted on New Years Eve. Your behavior sounds more like addiction than just abuse though. When you can't control it and start breaking the law over it you are out of control.

Way to explain it! You hit the nail on the head.

[Equinox_93]

For you, it might be. For someone else, it might not be. For one person, three drinks may not even leave them feeling it much. For someone else- it may put them under the table. It also depends on what sort of drink. Three light beers or three double shots of tequila? Three drinks in three minutes or three drinks in an evening/sitting? IMO what defines crossing the line is how one behaves after said drinks- not how many or what kind :)

IMHO, three drinks is really crossing a line. But that's neither here nor there in this discussion.

[leslie :-D]

For you, it might be. For someone else, it might not be. For one person, three drinks may not even leave them feeling it much. For someone else- it may put them under the table. It also depends on what sort of drink. Three light beers or three double shots of tequila? Three drinks in three minutes or three drinks in an evening/sitting? IMO what defines crossing the line is how one behaves after said drinks- not how many or what kind :)

generally i agree w/your post, equinox.

but when i came to your last statement, re how one behaves...

i kind of tilted my head and did a "hmmmm".:)

because i know of many "functional" drunks:

where they can swill down a bottle of vodka and appear just fine.

those are the ones who typically scare me, since you can't anticipate any forthcoming behaviors/actions.

but yes, i do agree there's a big difference between 3 drinks in 20 min vs 3 drinks over sev'l hrs.

leslie

[geekgolightly, BSN, RN]

For you, it might be. For someone else, it might not be. For one person, three drinks may not even leave them feeling it much. For someone else- it may put them under the table. It also depends on what sort of drink. Three light beers or three double shots of tequila? Three drinks in three minutes or three drinks in an evening/sitting? IMO what defines crossing the line is how one behaves after said drinks- not how many or what kind :)

Take it on a case by case basis, but in general, there is no reason to drink three drinks in an evening, other than to continue that feeling.

I think lots and lots of people can fool themselves into thinking it's acceptable to drink and oops be drunk a few times a year, but that's called binge drinking.

I totally and completely understand having a glass or two of wine with dinner or enjoying a microbrew or two, or whatever floats your boat, but if you are ever drinking enough to be drunk, even if only a few times a year, you're a binge drinker. Take that as you will. As I said, earlier, you make your own reality. But a binge drinker with kids risks having his kid seeing him or her drunk as a skunk, and I think that's offensive. Some people have no issue with that. I happen to have serious issue with that.

[Atheos]

This is one I hear often at meetings. “I was a functioning alcoholic - I had a job, went to work, made money,” etc. etc.

I can’t say that I find it funny that I feel differently about using the word “functional” in the same sentence with alcoholic. Well, heck yeah, you had a job - you needed to make money to drink didn’t you?

Take a look at the first step. It says “our lives had become unmanageable.” In the 12 and 12 it says “we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us.” Just exactly what about unmanageable, what about obsession for destructive drinking, relates to “functional?”

In “The Doctor’s Opinion” in The Big Book on pg. xxviii it says, “once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.”

Is there anything, ANYTHING, about that statement that sounds functional?

I didn’t think so… I was taught that, by definition, alcoholic means dysfunctional. There is no such thing as a “functional, drinking, alcoholic!

Reality check…

Mark

This guy said it best. The idea of a functional addict is a myth that has been debunked. They may APPEAR 'functional' but in all reality they aren't.

I've heard the same sentiment at 12 Step Programs, from addiction counselors and shrinks.

I'd agree that the mere fact of being addicted and participating in the addiction is dysfunctional.

[Equinox_93]

... There are also those "functional drunks" who are -more- dangerous to others if they *haven't* been drinking- equally as scary as the category you'd mentioned. I know what you mean though- and agree.

generally i agree w/your post, equinox.

but when i came to your last statement, re how one behaves...

i kind of tilted my head and did a "hmmmm".:)

because i know of many "functional" drunks:

where they can swill down a bottle of vodka and appear just fine.

those are the ones who typically scare me, since you can't anticipate any forthcoming behaviors/actions.

but yes, i do agree there's a big difference between 3 drinks in 20 min vs 3 drinks over sev'l hrs.

leslie

[geekgolightly, BSN, RN]

generally i agree w/your post, equinox.

but when i came to your last statement, re how one behaves...

i kind of tilted my head and did a "hmmmm".:)

because i know of many "functional" drunks:

where they can swill down a bottle of vodka and appear just fine.

those are the ones who typically scare me, since you can't anticipate any forthcoming behaviors/actions.

but yes, i do agree there's a big difference between 3 drinks in 20 min vs 3 drinks over sev'l hrs.

leslie

My husband hardly knew I was drunk until I was vomiting all over everything. I was a happy drunk; always silly. I was able to, always, consume alcohol and no one would ever suspect that I was anything but mildly tipsy even if I was in a blackout, which I was that night. How someone behaves has nothing to do with it, really.

And these fuzzy lines, all this grey area wherein one has to make their own choices in life is where it is so easy for someone to convince themselves that it's all ok. Until they are pulled over for drunk driving, or killing someone, or too hungover to catch a med error and killing a patient, etc etc etc.

[Equinox_93]

The point I am making is that 3 drinks doesn't necessarily equal "drunk". It may, depending on the person (weight/gender, whether they've eaten, how far apart the drinks were spaced, etc. etc.) not even equal "feeling it". The point is that some arbitrary number is meaningless outside of a personal subjective limit.

Take it on a case by case basis, but in general, there is no reason to drink three drinks in an evening, other than to continue that feeling.

I think lots and lots of people can fool themselves into thinking it's acceptable to drink and oops be drunk a few times a year, but that's called binge drinking.

I totally and completely understand having a glass or two of wine with dinner or enjoying a microbrew or two, or whatever floats your boat, but if you are ever drinking enough to be drunk, even if only a few times a year, you're a binge drinker. Take that as you will. As I said, earlier, you make your own reality. But a binge drinker with kids risks having his kid seeing him or her drunk as a skunk, and I think that's offensive. Some people have no issue with that. I happen to have serious issue with that.