I graduated from my nursing program well over a decade ago, magna cum laude, worked step-down for a short time then proceeded to ICU where I was excellent nurse (per my coworkers and managers) I joined the hospital Nurse Practice Counsel and had many friends at work. One aid for 14 patients isn't enough so after years of turning and boosting alone (sometimes a 400lb patient in reverse trendelenburg from the head of the bed) my back went. What was I to do? With over half my coworkers in MRSA and VRE precaution rooms and the patient unable to breathe because they were too far down in the bed and I wanted to prevent them from buying a vent. Proper body mechanics isn't always top priority...After a failed back surgery and a dura tear that wasn't repaired for three weeks I found myself addicted to the 2 mg of Dilaudid they'd been giving me every 2 hours while the doctor waited for the tear to "heal itself" after two failed blood patches. Sent home with a RX for Opana 30mg bid and my world was never the same. After struggling for months then years, RX chasing for the Opana, and having some extended periods of recovery, I got on Suboxone. Suboxone worked great for about a year until I changed jobs and insurance providers and the new insurance wasn't accepted by my Suboxone prescriber so I had to switch to a doc that was a regular family practice doc and didn't know or care about addiction so never monitored if I was staying clean. Well, I could say it was my back acting up that led me to divert drugs but really it was all that WASTE that no one really watches you waste, how tempting, I'd take out Dilaudid 2 mg, give 1mg and hoard the narcs like this all shift feeling distracted and as if I was STARVING just knowing the narcs were in my pocket....l always volunteered to go home early when census dropped. I never had the nerve to use at work, I was sure I'd be obvious or not feel the drugs at all because in order to avoid withdrawal I was still taking a half a strip of Suboxone prior to my shift and I needed some time in between the Suboxone and getting high to let the Suboxone wear off, it has a 36 hr half-life....I was never went through the Vicodin addiction part, my back went and I was in surgery in two weeks, I never believed much in addiction being a disease, I was and am full of self disgust and shame, I always felt like it was a choice but after reading up on how the opiates rewire your brain I'm not so sure it's not a disease. That starving feeling is the strongest desire I've ever felt. So if you think you're not an addict and never would be and you judge those who divert and abuse pain meds, gossip and judge....I hope it's not your back or knee or shoulder that "goes" one day and you have to discover just what you're capable of because this type of self-loathing and shame...it makes you not want to wake up in the morning.
So when you shake your head and wonder how anyone could divert drugs and destroy a career they worked so hard for remember that I was just like you.
One pp stated people are naive and that they are infuriated over it.....give us break. That statement shows no spiritual maturity and really....that is what the steps and traditions are for spiritual growth and practicing of spiritual principles. Tolerance, patience, acceptance, Love, hope, etc.....
None, not one, of us know the future....but I concur with iam in trouble, no I would not make a decision In the future to incorporate drugs alcohol or whatever into my life. I have worked the steps and traditions in another program, and it has saved my life, made me a better rounded person and I am forever grateful for my hardships because it has made me who I am today. Please know what other people think about us is none of our business and it's ok.
Best wishes!
Rest assured, I'm in daily contact with my sponsor and I've also worked the steps. Part of being in a program is that I'm in touch with my feelings. And yes, I'm allowed to be angry. Being spiritual does not deny me the ability to have a full range of emotions.
I'm really so sick of this naive attitude about addiction, and it never fails to shock and infuriate me when it comes from a medical professional. Addiction is a complex disease that affects people in a myriad of ways. The problem is that the symptoms of our disease do not endear us to people - we lie, cheat and steal. And because we can be pretty unlikeable in the throes of our addiction, people tend to think we're just bad or weak people and want to feel as far removed from us as possible.
I really hope this isn't the attitude you take with your patients, because it really is a slippery slope. Do you think your cardiac patients are weak because they ate too any cheeseburgers? What about your copd patients, should they have had the moral fortitude to stop smoking? The vast majority of our patients become our patients because of lifestyle choices. Feeling that we're stronger than them keeps us from understanding them and having empathy for them - even though it is convenient and makes us feel better about ourselves. But it is important to realize that at any given time our circumstances can change and we can find ourselves where we never thought we'd be.
You say you're not judging us and you may not think you are. But if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck..... I would encourage you to try to get past your personal history with the disease and try to realize the implications of your attitude. Or maybe read a book.
Do you really want to equate stealing a patients pain medication with eating too many cheeseburgers?
I was not making that comparison, that is not what I was saying at all. I said it's a slippery slope when we begin passing judgment on people's lifestyle choices. Because ultimately almost all of our patients have made some poor choices.
And diversion is not always stealing from a patient, I never did that. There are many ways to divert meds without denying our patients, that was actually one of the ways my sick mind justified it. It is completely illogical now, but at the time I was very sick, and it made perfect sense. I did things then that I would never do now, or before I got that far gone. Like a pp said, you just never know until you know...
Let's remember that this section of all nurse is meant to educate and lend support. This is becoming a throwing stones debate. I agree with happy wife- it is not our job to change imintrouble's viewpoint. I'll admit that some of what she is saying is making me cringe primarily because i used to feel that same way until I got my own personal education on addiction. And of course what we experience drives us to become better educated about it. Addiction encompasses the physical, emotional, and spiritual realms of the person affected- and as with all diseases (particularly with mental illness) it affects others surrounding the person negatively. As much as I have learned about addiction, and as much as I would love to have others have the same level of insight and education as me, it's not reality. What is important is that I educate myself and others who also suffer (anyone else is just a bonus:)), because we are the ones who must live with it. So, as fun as this has been (insert sarcasm here) I will now respectfully bow out of this argument because it is no longer a debate- a debate seeks to understand the other side through educated prowess. That is not what is happening here. These are not postings that seek to understand, and they are most certainly not posts that seek to lift anyone up out of a bad situation. They are serving no one.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
While I won't judge your addiction, I will judge your writing. Paragraphs, please!
I've gone through the back issues, the back surgery, cancer and knees so painful that I was hobbling through my 12 hour shifts -- all without getting addicted. I took oxycodone once I got home, but never at work and never FROM work. I work in a surgical ICU where those wastes are readily available and it never once occurred to me to help myself. Even when my pain was at it's worst.
Some people are "wired" differently than others; some are more vulnerable to addiction. And while I won't judge you for becoming addicted to the pain medication your doctor prescribed, diverting at work is something I WILL judge. You weren't just like me. I went through it all without diverting narcotics.
RubyVee, I actually did laugh out loud after reading that first sentence.
You certainly will judge my addiction, and my writing, and the IQ of half the population. Your personality is familiar to me, plentiful in the ICU in fact.
I've done some reading on addiction and physiological effects of opiates on the brain perhaps you could take some time do educate yourself. I certainly don't believe I came out of the birth canal "wired" to be an addict, but enough exposure for anyone will create changes in your brain. Perhaps I missed that on the consent form
I didn't write that post looking for your empathy. I wrote it as a warning. Beware: The medicines we put so much faith in have the potential to turn us into people we don't recognize. In all your years experience you can't tell me you haven't been assigned a opiate naive patient, you did the initial teaching on their pain medication prior to giving them their MS, Dilaudid, or Fentanyl only to come back to work 3 days later to find them on their call light every 2 hours asking you to "push it fast." We turn out addicts and sometimes we turn into them. Fortunately, through all your suffering and hobbling this didn't happen to you.
Looking back 4 years ago I could have written the exact paragraph appropriate comment you did, "I would NEVER...." Lessons in life come very hard.
Is that what I'm doing, absolving myself of the guilt, shame, disgust, and responsibility for my actions?? I better up my game because it's not working, I have PLENTY. I wallow in it daily.
Every single step of the way, every single time I diverted, I thought it was a choice and that I was in control. Funny thing is I can't tell you why I'd make a choice like that. Why on EARTH would a anal-retentive, perfectionist, over-achiever make a choice to ruin their life? I think it's called addiction.
I have a close friend who has been clean of opiates for two years after 10 years of addiction. I look at him constantly and say, "why'd I do it? I really wasn't gettin much out of it. The Suboxone was still blocking so much of it. Did I want to ruin my life??" He just says, "I know exactly what you mean...it's crazy when your mind ain't your own."
I don't believe we are all the same. When I say, "I was just like you.." I mean when I heard the stories about RN's getting caught diverting I said things like "I would NEVER make that choice."
Of course I said exactly that, shaking my head, picturing myself doing something like that and momentarily gripped with terror imagining the consequences of my actions.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
RubyVee, I actually did laugh out loud after reading that first sentence.
You certainly will judge my addiction, and my writing, and the IQ of half the population. Your personality is familiar to me, plentiful in the ICU in fact.
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I'm qualified to judge the IQ of half the population, having taken statistics. Perhaps the more correct saying would be that half of the world's population has an IQ below the median, but that doesn't have quite the same ring to it.
I believe I'm guilty of judging writing skills based on grammar, paragraphs (especially paragraphs!) and readability.
As far as judging your addiction -- not qualified. I will say, however, that I've suffered through the back pain that you say was contributory, had all the prescription medications including the Dilaudid and DIDN't become addicted. My husband (who has family and friends who have become addicted) tells me "you're just not wired that way." He's done a lot of reading on the subject; I have not.
I interpreted your post as saying that you became addicted because of chronic back pain and access to prescription medications. My post was refuting that chronic pain and access to prescription medications leads to addiction. Perhaps it does in some folks, not all folks. Maybe I'm just lucky. At any rate, while I've learned a number of life lessons the hard way, I have not had to learn that particular lesson. I'm sorry that you have.
Earthmama
52 Posts
Rest assured, I'm in daily contact with my sponsor and I've also worked the steps. Part of being in a program is that I'm in touch with my feelings. And yes, I'm allowed to be angry. Being spiritual does not deny me the ability to have a full range of emotions.