I graduated from my nursing program well over a decade ago, magna cum laude, worked step-down for a short time then proceeded to ICU where I was excellent nurse (per my coworkers and managers) I joined the hospital Nurse Practice Counsel and had many friends at work. One aid for 14 patients isn't enough so after years of turning and boosting alone (sometimes a 400lb patient in reverse trendelenburg from the head of the bed) my back went. What was I to do? With over half my coworkers in MRSA and VRE precaution rooms and the patient unable to breathe because they were too far down in the bed and I wanted to prevent them from buying a vent. Proper body mechanics isn't always top priority...After a failed back surgery and a dura tear that wasn't repaired for three weeks I found myself addicted to the 2 mg of Dilaudid they'd been giving me every 2 hours while the doctor waited for the tear to "heal itself" after two failed blood patches. Sent home with a RX for Opana 30mg bid and my world was never the same. After struggling for months then years, RX chasing for the Opana, and having some extended periods of recovery, I got on Suboxone. Suboxone worked great for about a year until I changed jobs and insurance providers and the new insurance wasn't accepted by my Suboxone prescriber so I had to switch to a doc that was a regular family practice doc and didn't know or care about addiction so never monitored if I was staying clean. Well, I could say it was my back acting up that led me to divert drugs but really it was all that WASTE that no one really watches you waste, how tempting, I'd take out Dilaudid 2 mg, give 1mg and hoard the narcs like this all shift feeling distracted and as if I was STARVING just knowing the narcs were in my pocket....l always volunteered to go home early when census dropped. I never had the nerve to use at work, I was sure I'd be obvious or not feel the drugs at all because in order to avoid withdrawal I was still taking a half a strip of Suboxone prior to my shift and I needed some time in between the Suboxone and getting high to let the Suboxone wear off, it has a 36 hr half-life....I was never went through the Vicodin addiction part, my back went and I was in surgery in two weeks, I never believed much in addiction being a disease, I was and am full of self disgust and shame, I always felt like it was a choice but after reading up on how the opiates rewire your brain I'm not so sure it's not a disease. That starving feeling is the strongest desire I've ever felt. So if you think you're not an addict and never would be and you judge those who divert and abuse pain meds, gossip and judge....I hope it's not your back or knee or shoulder that "goes" one day and you have to discover just what you're capable of because this type of self-loathing and shame...it makes you not want to wake up in the morning.
So when you shake your head and wonder how anyone could divert drugs and destroy a career they worked so hard for remember that I was just like you.
Have to admit that I need to calm the eye rolling at the monitoring meetings. I was very open and accepting of the alcoholic label right out of the gate so...I find myself getting easily exasperated with folks who come in with off or changing stories; or, in complete denial.
dirtyhippiegirl, BSN, RN
1,571 Posts
Have to admit that I need to calm the eye rolling at the monitoring meetings. I was very open and accepting of the alcoholic label right out of the gate so...I find myself getting easily exasperated with folks who come in with off or changing stories; or, in complete denial.