Before you judge the addicted nurse.....

[michirn]

I graduated from my nursing program well over a decade ago, magna cum laude, worked step-down for a short time then proceeded to ICU where I was excellent nurse (per my coworkers and managers) I joined the hospital Nurse Practice Counsel and had many friends at work. One aid for 14 patients isn't enough so after years of turning and boosting alone (sometimes a 400lb patient in reverse trendelenburg from the head of the bed) my back went. What was I to do? With over half my coworkers in MRSA and VRE precaution rooms and the patient unable to breathe because they were too far down in the bed and I wanted to prevent them from buying a vent. Proper body mechanics isn't always top priority...After a failed back surgery and a dura tear that wasn't repaired for three weeks I found myself addicted to the 2 mg of Dilaudid they'd been giving me every 2 hours while the doctor waited for the tear to "heal itself" after two failed blood patches. Sent home with a RX for Opana 30mg bid and my world was never the same. After struggling for months then years, RX chasing for the Opana, and having some extended periods of recovery, I got on Suboxone. Suboxone worked great for about a year until I changed jobs and insurance providers and the new insurance wasn't accepted by my Suboxone prescriber so I had to switch to a doc that was a regular family practice doc and didn't know or care about addiction so never monitored if I was staying clean. Well, I could say it was my back acting up that led me to divert drugs but really it was all that WASTE that no one really watches you waste, how tempting, I'd take out Dilaudid 2 mg, give 1mg and hoard the narcs like this all shift feeling distracted and as if I was STARVING just knowing the narcs were in my pocket....l always volunteered to go home early when census dropped. I never had the nerve to use at work, I was sure I'd be obvious or not feel the drugs at all because in order to avoid withdrawal I was still taking a half a strip of Suboxone prior to my shift and I needed some time in between the Suboxone and getting high to let the Suboxone wear off, it has a 36 hr half-life....I was never went through the Vicodin addiction part, my back went and I was in surgery in two weeks, I never believed much in addiction being a disease, I was and am full of self disgust and shame, I always felt like it was a choice but after reading up on how the opiates rewire your brain I'm not so sure it's not a disease. That starving feeling is the strongest desire I've ever felt. So if you think you're not an addict and never would be and you judge those who divert and abuse pain meds, gossip and judge....I hope it's not your back or knee or shoulder that "goes" one day and you have to discover just what you're capable of because this type of self-loathing and shame...it makes you not want to wake up in the morning.

So when you shake your head and wonder how anyone could divert drugs and destroy a career they worked so hard for remember that I was just like you.

[NRSKarenRN, BSN, RN]

Moved to our Nurses / Recovery forum

[Twoyearnurse]

Very true, I came to addiction by way of a traumatic event. We all have our path here. The good news is we have each other, the great news is that we have so many more in the wworld we haven't met, and the miracle is that we've made it through and get to be here for others, not all are so lucky. In my most clear moments I realize I have a very charmed, beautiful life...now on to extending that feeling :).

[imintrouble, BSN, RN]

No, I'm not just like you. There is no judgement in that statement.

I was with the OP until I got to the last line.

There are some things I'm fairly certain I wouldn't do. There are choices I wouldn't make. Maybe because I've witnessed alcoholism ravage several generations of my family. Maybe because of the patients I've cared for.

Who knows why one nurse picks up that half full vial of Dilaudid and pockets it, and another doesn't? When we have all seen what can happen to people who chase the high, instead of the pain.

No, I'm not like the OP. Not better. Not smarter. Not holier than thou.

I never would have made the same choices.

[Twoyearnurse]

Yes, the OP was just like you. Before her addiction, before the statistics got stacked in favor of addiction (remember learning those statistics in nursing school that taught us that there are external events that make people more prone to developing an addiction?), before she diverted...she was like you. Yes she made poor choices, I did too. So yes, I was not anything like you in my addiction. I was not anything like myself. I was probably something less than human at that point. Saying she was never anything like you is saying she was doomed, cursed, something always less than. She was just like you, and now that she's clean (hoping OP is clean :)) she is just like you again, and so am I.

[Earthmama]

No, I'm not just like you. There is no judgement in that statement.

I was with the OP until I got to the last line.

There are some things I'm fairly certain I wouldn't do. There are choices I wouldn't make. Maybe because I've witnessed alcoholism ravage several generations of my family. Maybe because of the patients I've cared for.

Who knows why one nurse picks up that half full vial of Dilaudid and pockets it, and another doesn't? When we have all seen what can happen to people who chase the high, instead of the pain.

No, I'm not like the OP. Not better. Not smarter. Not holier than thou.

I never would have made the same choices.

I'm assuming that you're not an addict. I certainly thought I would never do it either - until I was in active addiction. While you may have studied the disease, cared for those with the disease and even lived with and loved those with the disease - it is a very different thing to actually have the disease, to live with it in your head day in and day out. It is not as simple as saying I would never do that. It just doesn't work that way - even though we all wish it did.

[TSgtRodrigues, BSN, RN]

No, I'm not just like you. There is no judgement in that statement.

I was with the OP until I got to the last line.

There are some things I'm fairly certain I wouldn't do. There are choices I wouldn't make. Maybe because I've witnessed alcoholism ravage several generations of my family. Maybe because of the patients I've cared for.

Who knows why one nurse picks up that half full vial of Dilaudid and pockets it, and another doesn't? When we have all seen what can happen to people who chase the high, instead of the pain.

No, I'm not like the OP. Not better. Not smarter. Not holier than thou.

I never would have made the same choices.

At least you don't think that you would have made the same choices. However, no one actually knows what choices they would have made until after they are out in that position...until after they are in that much pain, until after they have already gone through everything else. They did not get there over night! It took a long time for them to get tthere, it was not their first stop.

You say you are not better than them, but then you go and say "I never would have made the same choices" so therefor they are nothing like you. You very much are insinuating that you are better than them.

But they never said that they are just like you NOW, they said they were just like you, meaning before their addiction. They never planned to start taking the drugs! It was not part of their secret plan! They very much were just like you, they had the same school, they had the same initials after their name, they very much were just like every single one of us, they just simply fell off track! So yes, they were just like us.

[LisaB19]

Imintrouble,

Yes you are like us. Obviously you know little about addiction, but who would ever choose that path? Yeah sure, I sat down one day and said "Gee I'd love to be an alcoholic/addict, wouldn' that be fun?" I'd be careful if I were you, you have the genes in you family and who knows what the future holds.

You are awfully opinionated for someone is is lacking knowledge about the subject.

[imintrouble, BSN, RN]

It must give some people comfort to believe that we are all the same.

That presented with the same set of circumstances we'd all make the same choices. That not one of us is stronger or weaker than the next.

It allows those of us who make bad choices, to absolve ourselves of the guilt of those choices. After all everybody would do the same. Wouldn't they?

No we're not the same. We have strengths and weaknesses.

I can say with some certainty I wouldn't give a patient half a dose of Dilaudid and pocket the rest. I just wouldn't.

I'm sorry you find that judgemental. I don't.

I'd like to add, that believing we're all the same, minimizes the real fight it takes to come back from addiction. The daily, even hourly struggle to get a life back. It takes real strength and determination. Not everybody can do that.

[Twoyearnurse]

No one here is saying you would make the same choices. They are just saying that you don't know until you know. And certainly no one is saying that these factors in our lives absolve us of guilt over our actions, that would just be silly. We are collectively saying that these are cautionary tales. None of us are unique, we all have commonalities. Life is about finding those commonalities, rather than sitting across the line and pointing out the differences. I am very grateful you have experienced what you have experienced in life and have not made the same choices. Living a life surrounded by alcoholics is not easy, that in and of itself is a survivors story.

[Earthmama]

I'm really so sick of this naive attitude about addiction, and it never fails to shock and infuriate me when it comes from a medical professional. Addiction is a complex disease that affects people in a myriad of ways. The problem is that the symptoms of our disease do not endear us to people - we lie, cheat and steal. And because we can be pretty unlikeable in the throes of our addiction, people tend to think we're just bad or weak people and want to feel as far removed from us as possible.

I really hope this isn't the attitude you take with your patients, because it really is a slippery slope. Do you think your cardiac patients are weak because they ate too any cheeseburgers? What about your copd patients, should they have had the moral fortitude to stop smoking? The vast majority of our patients become our patients because of lifestyle choices. Feeling that we're stronger than them keeps us from understanding them and having empathy for them - even though it is convenient and makes us feel better about ourselves. But it is important to realize that at any given time our circumstances can change and we can find ourselves where we never thought we'd be.

You say you're not judging us and you may not think you are. But if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck..... I would encourage you to try to get past your personal history with the disease and try to realize the implications of your attitude. Or maybe read a book.

[HappyWife77, BSN, RN]

Who cares if imintrouble can't relate and disagrees that they would not do what one addict chose to do?

My family was also ravaged by alcoholism and substance abuse. My Father died at 46, my brother at 42 and three first cousins all oded. They didn't find the message of hope, the life of recovery. I consider recovery folks so blessed they found an out to the living hell of addiction.

I too would not want anything to do with drugs alcohol or cigarettes. Maybe it's because I've witnessed the tragic life of alcohol and drug abuse up front and center my whole life. So yea, we already know and been there and done that and got the tee shirt. No need to even let it have any place in our lives....after all we are living in the aftermath of the damage it's done to our households.

I'm so grateful you all share your stories and am blessed by the message. Please keep the hope but also know....you can't control what others do with your message, only how you react to them. Maybe for real, you all who are getting offended over imintroubles response need to call your sponsors.

One pp stated people are naive and that they are infuriated over it.....give us break. That statement shows no spiritual maturity and really....that is what the steps and traditions are for spiritual growth and practicing of spiritual principles. Tolerance, patience, acceptance, Love, hope, etc.....

None, not one, of us know the future....but I concur with iam in trouble, no I would not make a decision In the future to incorporate drugs alcohol or whatever into my life. I have worked the steps and traditions in another program, and it has saved my life, made me a better rounded person and I am forever grateful for my hardships because it has made me who I am today. Please know what other people think about us is none of our business and it's ok.

Best wishes!