At a crossroad

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Hi everyone, I hope to keep this short but not sure if I can. I have been lurking for some time and feel I need some support. I don't judge anyone as we are all human and we are nurses so it means that we worked our butts off to attain our licenses. That is what I keep telling myself. So here is my story (please I don't need judgements, just kind words as I know all of you are amazing on here as I have been reading):

I graduated nursing school in June of 2017, passed the NCLEX in 7/17, and was awarded my license in August. I was a nurse for 2.5 days when everything came crashing down. Prior to taking the NCLEX my boyfriend of over five years broke up with me as he met another woman and kicked me out of our house (was homeless for a month) and my beloved mother had a massive stroke (I lived in CO at the time and they lived in WA) and at the same time we found out she had terminal lung cancer. Things were stressful but I did have a new RN job and was so excited. The night before my third shift I learned my mother was left unattended on a bedside cammode (she was paralyzed on her entire left side) and fell which resulted in a massive head trauma as well as a broken clavicle. I was in another state so was dealing with family and calling the rehab facility that she was in at that time. I didn't think and started to drink red wine to calm my nerves and it got very late. I had three glasses of red wine and finally went to bed at 2 am. I woke for my shift and got ready. I went on to my shift with my preceptor and I told her I what had happened and that I was very tired. She went to our manager and I was pulled from the floor. I was told that someone smelled alcohol on me and that my behavior was not the same as the day before. I was asked to do a drug test and I agreed with no problem. I did tell them about the night prior and I was utterly humiliated this was happening. My drug test was negative but the breath test did blow a 0.04 which not only shocked me (at the time in retrospect I get it, I was under the influence and can admit it, embarrassingly) so they added an ETG to the test just to make sure it wasn't a false test. Three weeks later I was terminated and reported to the BON. I did hire a lawyer and I actually had some sympathy from a few board members but not enough. I signed the "do not practice" papers and did the evaluation with peer assistance. At my evaluation I was told that she didn't think I had a problem but I did have a DWAI (4 years prior where I was at, yet again, a 0.04) and that could affect the outcome of monitoring as it wasn't outside of 5 years. So on it goes from there...

My ex started to get very angry with me as I reached out to the girl he was dating (she didn't know he had a girlfriend at the time) and let her know so she dumped him and he became very angry and aggressive towards me. At the same time my mother was going downhill so I went home for the holidays in WA and decided to stay as I felt safe and was back with my family and friends. Right after Christmas I received another complaint from the BON on my license and it was from my ex. He wrote a lengthy letter accusing me of drugs and that I may divert since I have access to drugs as well as some other horrible accusations. It was devastating as I have never done an illegal drug in my life (yes I have taken pain killers after the dentist and one surgery but that is it and go figure I lived in both CO and WA which are pot capital and not my cup of tea lol). I know it has happened many a time with scorned lovers but never did I think he would go after my livlihood (even thought I had already screwed up). My lawyer wrote a very good rebuttal but the board never investigated it and attached it to my license regardless. I finally got my sentence in March with a two year monitoring program and two complaints on my license. The only problem is that I now live in WA (my ex has now also made threats to me if I returned to CO so not safe there at all) and the kicker is the BON sent me my "sentence" at 4:45 pm CST on a Friday and gave me until the following Tuesday to sign it or I was to be reported to the AG. My lawyer had a field day with that and we sought legal advice here in WA. Before I could send in the signed document they sent me to the AG anyway. Thank goodness the AG had some sympathy to me and has given me some time to apply to WA for a license and start with the monitoring program here.

So why am I at a crossroad? I was a drug rep before nursing and have since went back to it here in WA making better money than nursing. I am at the end of the road and will apply for WA license so that I can have all the options in front of me so I can make the best decision. I know if I do relinquish it will be 3 complaints on my license and if I ever want to reinstate it will be a cluster and a fight. If I don't relinquish I am looking at a costly journey and the fact I was a nurse for only 2.5 days AND still two complaints on my license. I have no idea what to do???!! I have a great job and a ton of experience in the pharma world but do love nursing but I don't know if I really want to deal with the embarrassment, humiliation, and so on every time I go for a job. This isn't about being in denial with alcohol, trust me, I didn't have a problem before but have since quit, regardless, and on my own. I am paying a price that I made a huge mistake as well as the wrath of a narcissistic d-bag that couldn't just be happy enough that I had moved several states away from him and he had to go and try to ruin my life. I guess I am just asking if it is really worth the fight for the license at 45 years old with the ability to be happy with being a drug rep or do I really go forward down this crazy expensive journey only to maybe not able to find a job at the end???

Sorry so long just need some support (good and bad lol)

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

Welcome to Allnurses. You have been through so much and I commend you for standing strong and fighting for yourself.

I'll be honest here. If you are happy with what you're doing now (and you seem to be), and you can see yourself doing it long-term, I would give up on nursing if I were you. You are still a long way from retirement, but nursing jobs get harder to find the further you get into middle age, and having complaints on your license---to say nothing of being in a monitoring program---would be another strike against you. That doesn't mean you *can't* do it, but it's an uphill battle that may not be worth fighting. Only you can decide if it is or not...me, I'd stick with the drug rep job and call it good.

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Hmmm after reading everything if it was me I would give up on nursing and I'll tell you why. One you have a job already which you making more than what you would being a nurse and that job makes you happy. Two you are 45 yrs old and will be looking to retire in the next 15yrs or so. Seem like you would have to stay in nursing way longer then that to get some type of retirement. I'm not sure though so don't quote me on that. Three monitoring is expensive, I know it's different from state to state but I have to not only pay my board fees, I have to pay monitoring fees and pay for the test and an extra fee for them to observe me pee. It can add up. And you have a certain time frame to go do the test so you have to think if the hours you work right now would allow you to do it. Thankfully I had a job before all of this happened. I can imagine how tough it would be to find a job with all the restrictions you will have. If you do decide to walk away just know it would be hard to reinstate your license and you still will have to do the monitoring and would have to explain to future employers why you gave up your license. Good luck and sorry this happened to you.

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I'm not comfortable telling you what to do, but I can say what I would do. If I had a stable job with good future prospects, that paid more money than nursing and had equal benefits, along with the bonus that I really enjoyed the work....no way in Hades would I be doing monitoring. No way.

And I say that with the fact that my license managed to stay completely clean with no discipline (I was given a stay of discipline). My program is five years. I have 19 months clean. I have 3 years and 7 months left.

Why? Yes, it's expensive. But it's a ton of work, particularly if you don't identify as having a problem. Meetings out the wazoo every week. Psych appointments, maybe rehab. Recovery groups, nurse support groups, drug screens that you have to leave work to go give. I have to take naltrexone at work witnessed and have a supervisor watch me take it. Everybody knows about my monitoring, and even though they are kind, it's humiliating. I don't really like the field where I had to get a job. My coworkers and management are just fine, but I don't like the work. My extensive experience is in NICU and PICU...and I'm not allowed to work in ICU the remainder of my time. Where I ended up (gratefully) getting a job, the pay isn't quite on par with what I earned before.

In a nutshell, I'm not terribly happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful as absolute all get out. I can feed my family and put gas in the car, so that is a win-win in my book. I am an addict and frankly, I need the process. You sound like you don't.

That being said...if I could earn an equal living in a field that I truly enjoyed and not have to deal with the albatross around my neck, I would. By the time I'm finished with my program, my kids will be in college. No easy vacations with my family before they leave the nest. No enjoyable work...at least for a while. No real professional satisfaction. Less income.

If nursing is your dream, I say fight. You're never to old to live your dream. But if you enjoy the beach as much as you enjoy the view from the top of Mount Everest, I personally would skip climbing Mount Everest.

Either way, know that we are here for you.

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Specializes in Travel, Home Health, Med-Surg.

Sorry for all the hardships! I do agree with the other posters that I am not sure it would be worth all the trouble. You have a good job with good pay that you like and no issues like you would have to deal with if you go the nursing route. (not sure nursing would be worth it even without all the extra troubles you will face, nursing is tough work and does only get harder with age). In the end it is your decision, and you will have to live with it either way. If you are not sure then maybe you can just keep working where you are and start the process and see how it goes, when/if it gets to be too much you can always stop at anytime. Knowing what I know now if I was in your situation I would not continue down the nursing road, but everyone has a different situation. Hope things work out for you!

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Specializes in Nephrology, Cardiology, ER, ICU.

Some posts have been removed. This is the recovery forum and as such it is a supportive environment. Please keep your comments positive. No one needs to be kicked when they are down - thats not supportive. Thanks

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They can take your license, they can't take your education. You can and are using it with a great deal of success. If monitoring will make it impossible for you to survive financially, consider other options. If not, it's going to be about what you are willing to go through emotionally to get it straightened out.

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Hi everyone,

Thanks for all of the responses. I wanted to give an update on all of this craziness in my life. I decided to go ahead with monitoring rather than relinquish. There are several reasons as to why: 1. I am just not ready to give up on nursing yet and it was only 2 years of monitoring (which I know is a dream in the world of dealing with this hell) 2. I really don't want to be on the OIG list and it is relevant in pharma sales regardless 3. I know I made a mistake and I need to rectify it in my mind as well as just embark on this difficult journey (I know #3 may seem stupid but every road I have tried to bypass this has lead me right back to having to do it).

I went ahead and applied for my WA endorsement and it is now pending on the WA state license verification which is a nice sight for myself. I know I will have the marks from my CO license forever and will have to explain over and over again but still feel like I am doing the right thing. I appreciate everyone's feedback and I know this will be a place of support and encouragement for the next two years or so for me.

If anyone is in the WHPS program, please let me know as I know I will have questions.

Thanks everyone,

Jas

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Specializes in OR.
3. I know I made a mistake and I need to rectify it in my mind as well as just embark on this difficult journey (I know #3 may seem stupid but every road I have tried to bypass this has lead me right back to having to do it

Jas

Number 3 is not stupid at all. You had a lot get dumped on you all at once. The last time I checked we all were human and you had a human reaction that was an unwise decision. You should not beat on yourself for it. Granted there are consequences for everything that we do but as is glaringly obvious, when it comes to these programs, the "punishment" far outweighs the crime.

You will get through this and it will be over before you know it.

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Thank you so much, Cat, I really appreciate it. You are right, it isn't stupid at all. I think that since I have had a year away from all of the humiliation and live in a different state where no one (yet) knows and I can start the process and avoid running into former co-workers and managers really has helped me wrap my head around it and accept it. I truly appreciate all of the support this forum provides!

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Good luck to you. I'll be honest if I could replace my paycheck with that from another profession I would. Monitoring is horrible but I have a career in nursing that I'm heavily invested in so I'll complete the program. However, I can't say a single good thing about it

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