would it be appropiate for me to attend the funeral?

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Hi. I worked on this case for 5 months with a 7 month old baby who just passed. I was doing private duty nursing for the baby. My agency gave me the service times and everything,but I was just wondering would it be appropiate? I was attached to the child very much. If it isn't appropiate to attend the funeral what other things could I do to show condolences?

This part of nursing always bothered me... we were taught in school that any expression of personal concern for a patient or their family when you're off duty was "enmeshment" and inappropriate. It's as if once a patient is not on your shift they cease to exist. It's a denial of our humanity. When you've cared for a patient for an extended period of time it's natural to have developed some feelings for them and want to pay your last respects.

I was taught that too. I thought maybe attending a funeral might be going over the boundary,but I guess not.

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Yes it is appropriate. The parents appreciate it. Almost all parents who lose their child on our floor send the case manager the service information and ask for it to be passed on to the nurses. We get to know the patients and family members over periods of months like you so I noticed one thing is some nurses go to the funeral and are as emotional as the parents or family members. One time the parent was consoling the nurse! We do need to keep a professional side too, crying is human but this one case made some of us nurses feel awkward.

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Specializes in Psych.

From a family members point of view ( though it was my husbands grandmother that passed)

Not one of the caregivers she had been with for over 10 yrs (PCH and SNF) came to her viewing. Those nurses and aides were like a family to her. I also worked there and I was hurting for my inlaws. They had created a bond with the staff over the years she had been there, yet the only ones from the home were me and my mom who was picking up my kids. I always thought that the family would think I was being intrusive if I went. After that day, I never felt that way again. I have attended patients services and have received nothing but positive reactions from the families.

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Specializes in Peds Medical Floor.
Smartnurse, I have been doing pediatric homecare for many, many years. When my "special kids", pass away I go. You are in a very unique situation. It is not like working in a nursing home, or hospital. The difference is like day and night. You are looked upon as part of the family, because they trusted you with their most precious child, in their home. When my little patients died, the moms hugged me and told me how much they appreciated me being there. You need to grieve just like they do. When J, died, all of us( 4 nurses) , were even part of the funeral. We all spoke about how much he meant to us,(this was by request of the parents) we made a little notebook for them with all the funny sayings he used to say. When A, died, I helped put out the luncheon after the service. To this day, when I see A's, grandma, she hugs me. So go,I always have, you and the parents, need you to be there. I'm sorry for your loss, gentle hugs and prayers.;)

I've worked in LTC almost 9 years, and trust me, some people have been here the entire 9 years or longer. The residents and their families start to consider you a friend and almost family member, too. I've gone to funerals and wakes for residents when I was close to them and their families. Sorry, that just bothered me.

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Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.

Just felt like adding one more thing smartnurse about likening your feelings to the loss of your own child. We hear all the time about the distance-boundary issue, so it happens pretty often that nurse's who work with one patient for quite a while are surprised and almost disturbed about their feelings - almost as if at some level we broke a cardinal nule of nursing.

When I worked with what we called "boarder babies" who are admitted for a long time, the same type of attachment can occur especially if the parent's don't have much interest in them. Though this is not the issue with this family. I still think about a few like that who were on this earth such a short time. It makes you ask yourself all sorts of questions. You will move on - I know that, but some go into the "ones you never forget" place in your heart, I would just accept that may be the case and don't feel bad that you feel bad, if that makes any sense!

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Ah ha,nursel,you must be a night shifter like me.

I do think sometimes"maybe if she had a different pulmonologist" and other things.

But

what I don't get, is that why some of these pdn cases can't be called "hospice".

Techically, it seems to be the case with all the gt,vent,and trach cases with diseases that have no cures and no hope of recovery. A lot of these children aren't even "alert" even though they have sleep-wake cycles.

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Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.

Yep- work at night- though it's almost morning where I am. I'm not sure exactly why they don't call it "hospice" but I think it might be a sensitivity with the parents, as many may view it as "they are giving up on my child" before the parent has allowed themselves to think in that direction.

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Specializes in Hem/Onc, LTC, AL, Homecare, Mgmt, Psych.

It is good to see so many people agree that attending the funeral is a good idea. When I was in hem/onc (pedes) often a group of us would attend funerals. It's ok to cry quietly for the family, losing a child is one of life's saddest and most difficult challenges. My condolences go out to you and their family. :redbeathe In LTC now many of the funerals are held in our on-site chapel and a group of us attend those as well. The families really do appreciate it, in my experience, and I've never heard anyone in management or otherwise say it would be inappropriate.

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Specializes in Hem/Onc, LTC, AL, Homecare, Mgmt, Psych.

That reminds me of a truly horrifying thing I heard a nurse say to a mother of a chronically ill/disabled child with stable symptoms "have you thought about organ donation yet? It would be a shame to see that lovely smooth flesh go to waste!" :eek::eek::eek:

How did the mother respond? Did she take it offensively? There are so many better ways organ donation could have been broached by that nurse -- the above sounds like something Hannibal Lector would say -- how awful. :barf01:

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Specializes in Telemetry, Case Management.

My nephew died of leukemia a few years back. He had it for five years and several of the nurses from the Children's hospital drove 50 miles to their rural church for the services. I still think that was so sweet of them to come and show their love for him and comfort for the family.

OP, please go to the funeral. You won't regret it.

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Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.
How did the mother respond? Did she take it offensively? There are so many better ways organ donation could have been broached by that nurse -- the above sounds like something Hannibal Lector would say -- how awful. :barf01:

She didn't respond, just stared at her - so I took her aside and told her how inappropriate it was. This nurse was an oddball and didn't last too long at most cases.

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i think it would be wonderful if you attended. you were the baby's private nurse and this would show the family your support in their time of need

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