My DH and I have been having problems for the past few years. He refuses to go to marriage counseling with me, saying "it's a waste of time." He has depression and spends no time at home with his family; all he does is work. I am starting to realize how unhappy I am with him and don't think things will change until he's willing to talk about everything.
Of course, I don't want to make an irrational decision because we have three children and I am in school. I don't know how I can get through school without his financial support.
Does anyone have any advice? I am so sad about this; we've been married for 12 years and it seems we have both given up.
Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories. This is such a major decision... I'm going to try to take it one day at a time. I really believe everything happens for a reason...
Didn't get a divorce (wasn't married), but did break off a 4-year relationship with my boyfriend halfway through my ADN. Met my hubby 3 months after.
He was with me through the last half of my ADN, then through my BSN-Bridge. He's very glad that I went through nursing school and can bring home over half of our total income. (Cops make less than nurses, dontcha know?)
I didn't do mine during nursing school, but about 5 years ago.
I had a relationship where he wanted me to center my life around him..any interest outside of that was "selfish" on my part. This was carried out so far as to take a job 70 miles out of town that required us to live there (ranch foreman) just as I was getting ready to start college the first time around. It's SUCH a hard leap to make though, even when you know it's the right one in the long run. I believe you have to get to a point where staying is worse than the trauma of leaving (and trauma there will be, no matter how ready you are). Sometimes that takes awhile, no matter how much your friends and family might shake their heads in disbelief at the fact that you are still sticking around. There's no real harm in sitting tight until you have truly thought things through.
I will tell you one thing though..I never realized how UNhappy I was until I got out on my own and found out just how *happy* and blessed my life could be. I look back on those years and shudder..no one should have to live like that. Kids? It ain't easy..but in the long run, are you setting the right example (esp. daughters), that you should just put up and shut up? And for sons..that this is how marriage works? Ugh..it's just a tough decision all round. You DO deserve to be happy though.
I agree with everyone who tells you to weigh your options carefully. The first time I was accepted to nursing school, my husband and I separated. I didn't go to school. The second time I was accepted, my (same) husband figured that we had been separated long enough, and now it was time to get a divorce. Wouldn't have been too bad execpt that he decided that he would also sue me for custody. I naively thought that if I gave up custody (I had NO job and NO money) I could just get it back after I had graduated and was making money. Then he dropped the child support bombshell on me. I cried, I begged, I pleaded with him not to make pay until I graduated school. Nope. I ended up dropping out of school to get a job to pay child support and all the deliquent bills he left me (plus I was going through depression). Fast foward several years later...I am just about to finish my first semester of nursing school!! NOTHING or NOONE is going to stop me from realizing my dream this time!!!!
Keep your head lifted high and know that you will get through this. I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
I am joining you all. I am in quarter 4, about to become an LPN. My husband just left me tonight. He says it is because it is always about me. He does not pay my bills or support me, so I have to do somethig. I am lucky in that nursing school actuall pays my bills,by making me eligible for loans. I have taken on a massive debt and hope to buy him insurace one day, but he just kicked me out of my home. My first priority is kids and then school. I really want to send good energy to anyone who had a spouse flake out in the middle of this. We can do it~! Lets pass that checkoff and not think about how sad we aRE. ouch.
wish i had, but then i wouldn't have had the great kids i had. we separated within a year of my finishing graduate school, when they were 10 months and 3 yrs old. it was hard but it was a damn sight easier than living with a man who hated everything i was, did, and cared about -- nurse, mother, teacher, all worthless in his eyes. well, eventually his contempt turned to physical abuse, me and the kids, and that got my attention. he was so shocked when i told him that i was seeing an atty and he was to be out of the house by the end of the month. really shocked. the counselor told me he was a classic narcissist-- it was all about him, all the time, and it really never occurred to him that i would take independent action. hah.
(the next big shockeroo was several years later when i fell in love with and married a wonderful man who was much more highly placed in business than he was-- and was a better parent, husband, and lover to boot, and still worships the ground i walk on after more than two decades.:heartbeat how did that square with ex's absolutely authoritative, "she's so stupid and worthless"? . i digress.)
nurses take responsibility for the relationship, we're nurturers, caring people, all that. just because it's generally true doesn't mean we have to sacrifice ourselves for it. you'll be a better, happier person when you can be a better, happier person, and that will make you a better, happier parent and nurse and citizen and pet-owner and everything else in life.
What an old thread but yes I'm going through a divorce now. I was hoping that it would be over by time school start but no... I should be getting another court date soon. I can't say its easy, sometimes I have my moments but I still pray and ask God to help me stay focused. I have to admit I cried once in class but that was it. My director of the program wanted me to postpone school thinking that it would be too much but I didn't and I'm not. I been doing great in school and I pray it stays like that.
Specializes in Primary Care; Child Advocacy; Child Abuse; ED.
You will be okay. I would leave now but there is no way I could with the things going on in my life. He isn't a bad man but he is a bad husband. He can tend to others needs and be sensitive to others but not me. Just feels like he doesn't love me any more. But I know it is partly my fault for allowing this treatment for so long. He doesn't even realize it til after and when I tell him he says sorry but how many sorrys are we suppose to receive for the same thing, do you really mean it.... Good luck
I came in here trying to do some research about when to get divorced. Its inevitable.
Things just have not worked between us and the laywer (which has taken me 3 years to assign) says its best to get rid of it before one gets in the program.
I wonder if that will work. I freak out about the financial aspects of not being able to work and earn a living, and having no time to study/cook/clean/shauffer daughter everywhere, etc. How am I supposed to make it? Why didnt I do this way way before? Will he take her away from me since I will be "too busy"? cause that's what men do, they will use the child as a pawn to get back at us.
I wish I could see into the future (That would be such great help) Right now I need to attempt to defer my seat since I got accepted to Broward College Nursing program starting August 2012. It is so exciting yet I am dreading what he will do to me. But fear has never gotten anyone anywhere. As I jump head first into this unkown territory I can only hope that I survive it. I wish us all luck.
NewEnglandRN, RN
486 Posts
Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories. This is such a major decision... I'm going to try to take it one day at a time. I really believe everything happens for a reason...