Any advice for smoking/non-smoking relationship?

UM Review RN, ASN, RN · Feb 13, 2008

After I quit smoking, DH slowly began taking his habit outside because the smoke really irritated my lungs.

My tip would be to keep the secondhand smoke to a minimum.

thetravellertoplaces · Feb 15, 2008

Yeah when she smokes, i don't stand right in the immediate vicinity. As much as possible i try do avoid it, every single time she goes out for a smoke i don't, but there are times when i am needed. However i still have to distance myself at least a few feet away because the smoke gets to me. In my circumstance though, even after she quits, she brought up the good point that her family is still going to be smoking, so the smoke smell will still be around somewhat. It never is any easier when she says she needs a cigarette though, but the fact that that's really the worst argument we have, that's an encouraging thought.

oramar · Feb 29, 2008

Let us know how this goes. Personally I think the conflicts will get worse as the relationship progresses. What about if you decide to have children? Personally, smoking is a deal breaker for me. My husband is a non smoker like me but he has people in his family that I avoid because they smoke. Even though I don't smoke I have lung problems. I blame it on growing up with a cloud of smoke around my head because my father was a chain smoker. He of course died at an early age from smoking.

thetravellertoplaces · Feb 29, 2008

Well she has talked about quitting before the wedding.

We actually do want kids in the future. The thing that is going to make everything so hard is that our families are on almost opposite ends of the spectrum. Mine is very fundamental and conventional, hers is not so much at all. Also her side cusses where mine doesn't and like i said before much of her side smokes. So she brought up the point that even when she does quit she's gonna be around smoke because of her family. But they do have enough sense to always take it outside, because as well as the smoke bothering me, I don't do good with stuffy air and it sends me into panic attacks.

And it's not so bad between us, i've taken on a more understanding approach (even though she knows it bothers me) which has made us get into less fights about it. Not to say it goes ignored, just that my snide comments aren't being said about it anymore. Despite the smoking though, the more time that goes on, I can't help but want to spend the rest of my life with her.

loriann, BSN, RN · Jun 14, 2008

I'm not in a relationship with anyone who smokes, but since I'm dating, I often worry that I will find someone I like who smokes. It's really a deal breaker for me, as I can't imagine kissing the person, smelling the smoke and all that.

Hopefully she quits!!

nonsmoker1107 · Nov 11, 2008

I am in a similar situation. I am a non-smoker the boyfriend is. When we met he was trying to quit...however a year & half later and in love, he decides not to try to quit anymore and asks me to deal with it , w/out the sly comments. How to cope? Not sure if I will be able to move forward in moving in together much less marry. The thought of coming home to stale smoke kills me- literally. Even if he does go outside...we all know the stench remains in their skin, clothes and once inside- curtain,bed, sofa...ect. His sister also who he is close with is a chain smoker. I wouldn't want her to hold a baby as soon as she comes over-in case she still smells like smoke...he thinks Im crazy for that btw.

I'd like to know if it worked out w/u and wife? or if anyone else has suggestions???? I hate to have to break up - but it is a disgusting habit to live with forever. thanks

Babs0512 · Dec 23, 2008

My husband quit smoking 7 years ago, I quit just over a year ago - so for some time I was a smoker and he was not. Out of respect for his not smoking, I stopped smoking in the house and car. We live in the Norteast, so take my word for it, having my morning coffee in my PJ"S and winter coat outside, really shows how much I love and respected him!!LOL

I would always wash up and brush my teeth and use mouthwash before any intimacy.

Now that we are a no smoking household, some of our adult children still smoke, we have a rule No smoking on our property, at all. So, when the kids come over, they have to walk a house or two away or stand in the street to smoke. They don't visit as often, but we have no second hand smoke in our home.

Good luck.

Remember, she has the right to smoke, but you have the right to not have second hand smoke in and around your home - so hopefully, you can come up with a compromise.

Blessings

Atheos · Dec 23, 2008

Well, you did KNOW she smoked when you started dating her so it could be tricky.

I wouldn't push it as an issue or it will cause problems. She is going to have to want to stop.

You should definitely talk about it though. You two need to set some rules and boundaries. Ideally, she should start respecting your nonsmoking status on her own like Babs did. She should have no problem smoking outside and leaving the butts in the outside trash.

It's not that bad of a compromise. Heck, I've been smoking 18 years and still refuse to smoke inside my house or in my car. I just came in from smoking and it's 19 degrees right now!

dolphn545 · Dec 23, 2008

I don't smoke but my husband does. The last two places that we lived had a basement, that was "his" room, and he could smoke away down there, but not in the main part of the house. Now that we are living in an apartment, he can NOT smoke inside, and only goes outside. Not too convenient for him, when it's -11° outside, but it's something he deals with. Me being the nurse, I tell him I cannot go to work smelling like smoke. (especially since I have a peds client). This works for us.

buloy630 · Feb 11, 2009

I always try to smoke when im not near my wife. i.e while shes at work , doing grocery etc...

Equinox_93 · Feb 15, 2009

I am in the best relationship of my life and soon to be married, however the one thing that really is a barrier between us is smoking. I've never smoked, and she's smoked for about 20 years. She's not a real heavy smoker, but more of a stress smoker and at other times a casual smoker. She already knows my feelings towards her habit all too well, but at the same time she's a firecracker sometimes which makes it hard to talk about it with her. I can't stand the smoke and it hurts me to see that she's putting all those poisons into her. While she is trying to quit, I'm going through my own battle on how to deal with her smoking. It doesn't help that most of her family smokes as well.
Any advice on nonsmoker-smoker relationships would be very much appreciated.

That's tough... For me smoking would be a deal-breaker...

You say she's a real firecracker... Have you considered how that will play out as you go along? If you feel you can't talk to her effectively about *this*- what about bigger even more important things like finances, child rearing etc.? That can be a rhetorical question as it is a bit intimate- but- do think about that... This issue may just be the tip of the iceberg....