I had to really think about whether or not to pose this question here on allnurses. But after some thought, I would like to get some feedback on how to deal with this awkward situation. I am at a loss.
We recently hired a new employee. He seemed a bit odd at first, but I just chalked it up to my perception being off. A few days later, I was having lunch in the break room and hear him telling a co-worker EVERYTHING about his life. He left nothing out. We were all sitting at the same table, and he did not speak in a quiet tone. He was describing how he was sexually abused all his life by his father, that his wife died a year ago, leaving him with 4 kids to raise on his own-two of them with special needs; how his financial struggles are never-ending. He says that he is anxious because his mother had a heart attack last week and he had to leave work early (and did our co-worker think that management would look unfavorably upon him because he had to leave early?). Then he announced that his new girlfriend just died from a seizure. Our co-worker patiently listened and invited him to join her church to see if he would find a support group there that he liked. The rest of us ate our lunch quickly and left the break room.
Last week, more than a few co-workers approached me and told me that this new employee was making them uncomfortable, because he was elaborating on his life's challenges.
I don't know what to do. If what this guy says is true...Oh. Em. Gee. What an awful hand in life he was dealt! On the other hand, I don't think that it is appropriate for him to divulge such intimate details of his life in the workplace.
Here is my dilemma:
1. Should I talk to him directly about this, stating that I am empathetic to his multiple plights, but that he should focus on pt care while he is at work; (this seems very cold to me) or
2. Should I let our NM know what is going on? (I don't want to get him in trouble and consequently add MORE to his plate.) I am not his direct supervisor, although I am the charge nurse and a few employees have already asked that they not be assigned to him during his orientation.
Thanks for your thoughts. I really don't know what action I should take, but know that I must do SOMETHING. The staff don't know what to do either...this is a very awkward situation.
I don't think we have to become friends at work ..... some mustering up of genuine empathy would be in order when coworkers are suffering. We can do that without being joined at the hip :)
Yeah.... but when you get dragged through the mud enough times with crackpots, it gets old. There are a LOT of messed up folks in the world, and nursing got their fair share. It's sad- but not why I was at work...the patients got my attention first...and with someone going on about really horrible stuff, it is distracting- if not nuts (and I'm not saying this guy is or isn't....just don't think work is the place to vomit one's history)
I'd always be supportive of someone getting help, and feel bad if they were having a hard time- but I don't want to hear the same person droning on about stuff that needs professional help while I'm at work. If someone else wants to be Dr. Phil or be their shoulder- that's their deal. The break room shouldn't be the emotional diarrhea swamp. JMO :)
I know MY boundaries re: being able to tolerate other people's lives- and opening up for someone to erode my life doesn't help anybody... and one trip around the block with a borderline, or other personality disorder, the walls go up in a hurry....it's not necessarily about being unkind- but self-preservation. Call it what you will :)
But work isn't a therapist's office...and a holding a captive audience isn't fair either.
Most surgeons i know would have told him to zip it or get out.
The OR may be their place to socialize briefly with scrub nurses or assist, but others holding separate conversations are distracting and annoying.
In there they run the show.
I was reading other posts and didn't realize you were this guys preceptor. To me that does make a difference. I would take him aside and talk to him briefly. Then step aside because the surgeons will take action. Directly or indirectly and your unit mgr will know and get involved.
I had to really think about whether or not to pose this question here on allnurses. But after some thought, I would like to get some feedback on how to deal with this awkward situation. I am at a loss.
We recently hired a new employee. He seemed a bit odd at first, but I just chalked it up to my perception being off. A few days later, I was having lunch in the break room and hear him telling a co-worker EVERYTHING about his life. He left nothing out. We were all sitting at the same table, and he did not speak in a quiet tone. He was describing how he was sexually abused all his life by his father, that his wife died a year ago, leaving him with 4 kids to raise on his own-two of them with special needs; how his financial struggles are never-ending. He says that he is anxious because his mother had a heart attack last week and he had to leave work early (and did our co-worker think that management would look unfavorably upon him because he had to leave early?). Then he announced that his new girlfriend just died from a seizure. Our co-worker patiently listened and invited him to join her church to see if he would find a support group there that he liked. The rest of us ate our lunch quickly and left the break room.
Last week, more than a few co-workers approached me and told me that this new employee was making them uncomfortable, because he was elaborating on his life's challenges.
I don't know what to do. If what this guy says is true...Oh. Em. Gee. What an awful hand in life he was dealt! On the other hand, I don't think that it is appropriate for him to divulge such intimate details of his life in the workplace.
Here is my dilemma:
1. Should I talk to him directly about this, stating that I am empathetic to his multiple plights, but that he should focus on pt care while he is at work; (this seems very cold to me) or
2. Should I let our NM know what is going on? (I don't want to get him in trouble and consequently add MORE to his plate.) I am not his direct supervisor, although I am the charge nurse and a few employees have already asked that they not be assigned to him during his orientation.
Thanks for your thoughts. I really don't know what action I should take, but know that I must do SOMETHING. The staff don't know what to do either...this is a very awkward situation.
Lots of comments here, but I am a little thrown by the fact that his wife and his girlfriend died from medical issues within the last year or so. I do not know if this to be true. I would just live your life, and not worry about what he says or what he tells others. Maybe he has been dealt a bad hand, and has no outlet and this is his only way. I kinda know because I have been there in life, not to go into it because I am beyond that but who knows what going on.
I think my first attempt would be to help him and see what help he needs and direct him to some places where he can get some psychological help for the issues he has faced.
Sad no one is trying to help this guy. Thats what we do as nurses right, help people suffering and in need? I dont know, thats me.
My knee-jerk reaction was that he was telling tales in order to get attention. But I also know myself well enough to realize that I don't interpret people well because I am usually so focused on whatever task is at hand.
On the other hand, I have talked to a few people who were the victims of sexual abuse, and they are extremely unwilling to discuss it. It takes a great deal of time and trust in order to share the nightmare of sexual abuse. The fact that this guy sat down in a crowded break room and discussed (in great detail) the horrid encounters he faced as a child made me glance sideways at him.
It seems as if one catastrophe after another fills this guy's life. I just don't know what to think.
But I DO know that the staff are wary, and they don't want to be near him.
I have suffered a great amount of all kinds of abuse through out life and I can discuss it with anyone if need be but offering up sexual abuse tends to make me see my psych rotation. Please try to get him some psych help. I am not a doctor but from my psych experience I see schizophrenia type or like a borderline acting out. Psych. get him psych help.
It's not for you to believe or disbelieve. If this kind of conversation makes you uncomfortable you tell the person so and put it on their plate to change their behavior. Just because a person is weird doesn't mean they are clinically incompetent. Unless you directly observe them actually and repeatedly screwing up clinically running to the manager is tantamount to being a tattle tale.
Yes, well put. Especially for those who are harmlessly eccentric. Merely an octagon in a room full of square pegs and square holes. Abuse creates people that are different because they experienced things that were not the normal things the normal people experienced. I just feel bad for the guy.
Plus, I mean you can tell if the guy has 4 kids. Those 4 kids depend on him to provide, and he depends on that job to care for them.
But they are SPECIAL!! Even when they aren't allergic (i.e. experience a true histamine mediated response) to it, "regular" medicine doesn't work on them. They need special medicine. Usually the newest, most expensive drug on the market. Because they are special people, with special illnesses. You, being average and unspecial*, just wouldn't understand.
*AKA normal
If they have more than 3 allergies they have a mental disorder. Man, what is wrong with all these elemetary and pre-school age kids with all their allergies? An allergy is an immune response to what is considered a foreign agent, which the body forms antibodies against causing the reactions. If there is one allergy, it is more likely than not that another allergy or several allergies will be found. The reason is that many agents are similar in composition but one chemical molecular structure alternates the indication for the medication and biochemical constraints, but will cause an allergic reaction because of the one chemical molecule that is consistent in many drugs.
They simply need a drug that does not contain the chemical molecule that causes the allergy. Most types of medication made in one time frame will be made similarly with similar by products, and thus the newer med does not contain the allergen.
Umm, I scared that there are people who think allergies are mental disorders and don't know why allergies are allergies by way of scientific fact.
A man is talking about very sexual explicit situations at work.
He is portraying it as abuse so anyone who tries to silence him will seem cold and harsh.
I am not there, but I would listen to my instincts; I would suspect this man of being a perv who enjoys verbally exposing himself to the ladies(and maybe a few men).
I would either leave the breakroom when inappropriate topics come up, or a polite but firm, "Please, let us talk about something else" will do.
Many threads here talk about standing up to bullies, and nurses cannot expected to tolerate this kind of indecent verbal exposure.
I am asking not sure one way or the other. Is he going into details about the sexual abuse or merely stating he was abused? That does change things a bit.
I personally have been through a great amount of abuse in my life. I never came out and said oh I had this, this, and this happen to me but I just cleared up the stuff that people would find out. Like no I have no parents or family.
Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.
Most surgeons i know would have told him to zip it or get out.
The OR may be their place to socialize briefly with scrub nurses or assist, but others holding separate conversations are distracting and annoying.
In there they run the show.
I was reading other posts and didn't realize you were this guys preceptor. To me that does make a difference. I would take him aside and talk to him briefly. Then step aside because the surgeons will take action. Directly or indirectly and your unit mgr will know and get involved.
I agree. None of the surgeons I worked with would have tolerated that. I can think of a few who might have even thrown an instrument or two.
Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.
If they have more than 3 allergies they have a mental disorder. Man, what is wrong with all these elemetary and pre-school age kids with all their allergies? An allergy is an immune response to what is considered a foreign agent, which the body forms antibodies against causing the reactions. If there is one allergy, it is more likely than not that another allergy or several allergies will be found. The reason is that many agents are similar in composition but one chemical molecular structure alternates the indication for the medication and biochemical constraints, but will cause an allergic reaction because of the one chemical molecule that is consistent in many drugs.
They simply need a drug that does not contain the chemical molecule that causes the allergy. Most types of medication made in one time frame will be made similarly with similar by products, and thus the newer med does not contain the allergen.
Umm, I scared that there are people who think allergies are mental disorders and don't know why allergies are allergies by way of scientific fact.
When people tell you they are allergic to every antibiotic, every pain medication, every type of anesthetic, etc., yeah, my BS detector goes off.
Thank you for the well-written tutorial on allergies.
Specializes in Trauma Surgery, Nursing Management.
When people tell you they are allergic to every antibiotic, every pain medication, every type of anesthetic, etc., yeah, my BS detector goes off.
Thank you for the well-written tutorial on allergies.
OC-have you read Adam Corolla's book titled "In 50 Years, We'll All Be Chicks"? One of the chapters in this (hilarious) book addresses the steep incline of reported allergies. It is quite funny.
Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.
This has been an interesting self examination for me, as I was pretty irked just READING the original post re: all the stuff this fellow wishes to get out on the table.
I have come to the determination that it irks me pretty much because it seems to imply some assumption on the part of the gentleman in question that nobody else has any issues. And people who go through multiple major tragedies do struggle with secondary gain. Undoubtedly he needs to talk about the things that have happened..... People who have undergone traumatic experiences do as a rule. But letting him know it is not acceptable to do that at work (or at least not to the extent that he is) draws a boundary for him that ultimately will HELP him to start doing better/feeling better. The struggle from where I sit is....how do you coach someone into social appropriateness? So much of it is nonverbal.
I do think if you are his preceptor, you have the unenviable responsibility to address it. I am anxious to find out what happens when you do.
Specializes in Trauma Surgery, Nursing Management.
this has been an interesting self examination for me, as i was pretty irked just reading the original post re: all the stuff this fellow wishes to get out on the table.
yeah, it wasn't exactly the appropriate time for him to divulge all of his problems (right in the middle of a difficult ex-lap) since it distracted the circulator to the extent that she didn't hear the surgeon ask for something.
i have come to the determination that it irks me pretty much because it seems to imply some assumption on the part of the gentleman in question that nobody else has any issues.
sometimes people have a hard time seeing and considering the issues that others have. i used to let this get to me, but i don't do that anymore, because i have accepted the fact that some people simply don't have the capacity to see outside of their paradigm. you run into people like this in all walks of life. when i experience this in my personal life, i can choose to walk away.
it takes time and a lot of introspection (and this is where counseling is so important) for victims of any kind of abuse to look beyond themselves, and i understand that. what bothered me is that this guy was focused on verbalizing his issues when he should have been focusing on the surgery.
and people who go through multiple major tragedies do struggle with secondary gain. undoubtedly he needs to talk about the things that have happened..... people who have undergone traumatic experiences do as a rule.
what do you mean by 'secondary gain'? i agree that he needs to talk about the things that have happened in his life, but should do so in a private manner, not in the middle of surgery, or in the crowded break room. i have dealt with many traumas in my life, but i can't even fathom sharing my experiences with people that i don't know in a new place. perhaps this is where i need to do my own introspection; i shouldn't assume that just because i would not choose to share that i believe others shouldn't. thanks for making this point. maybe i need to 'check myself'.
but letting him know it is not acceptable to do that at work (or at least not to the extent that he is) draws a boundary for him that ultimately will help him to start doing better/feeling better. the struggle from where i sit is....how do you coach someone into social appropriateness? so much of it is nonverbal.
he has clearly breached the norms of professional boundaries in his rather explicit sharing. i have formulated a plan to speak with him in a totally non-threatening manner regarding his "oversharing". i have chosen at this point not to get my nm involved, because as i stated previously, i don't want to make this guy a target. at first, i did think that it was appropriate to get my nm involved, but now i think that if i can let him know that we all value his clinical skills, and that his social skills need a bit of work, he may respond well. i am hoping that he will be receptive. i think that he will.
i do think if you are his preceptor, you have the unenviable responsibility to address it. i am anxious to find out what happens when you do.
i hope that he will respond in a positive manner. i don't want him to be uncomfortable, or feel that he is being attacked. i plan on letting him know that i am impressed with his clinical skills, but that he needs to tone down the personal sharing. if i can get him to see that i am encouraging him on a professional front, perhaps he will put a lid on the personal sharing while he is at work.
xtxrn, ASN, RN
4,267 Posts
Yeah.... but when you get dragged through the mud enough times with crackpots, it gets old. There are a LOT of messed up folks in the world, and nursing got their fair share. It's sad- but not why I was at work...the patients got my attention first...and with someone going on about really horrible stuff, it is distracting- if not nuts (and I'm not saying this guy is or isn't....just don't think work is the place to vomit one's history)
I'd always be supportive of someone getting help, and feel bad if they were having a hard time- but I don't want to hear the same person droning on about stuff that needs professional help while I'm at work. If someone else wants to be Dr. Phil or be their shoulder- that's their deal. The break room shouldn't be the emotional diarrhea swamp. JMO :)
I know MY boundaries re: being able to tolerate other people's lives- and opening up for someone to erode my life doesn't help anybody... and one trip around the block with a borderline, or other personality disorder, the walls go up in a hurry....it's not necessarily about being unkind- but self-preservation. Call it what you will :)
But work isn't a therapist's office...and a holding a captive audience isn't fair either.