An odd staff member

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

I had to really think about whether or not to pose this question here on allnurses. But after some thought, I would like to get some feedback on how to deal with this awkward situation. I am at a loss.

We recently hired a new employee. He seemed a bit odd at first, but I just chalked it up to my perception being off. A few days later, I was having lunch in the break room and hear him telling a co-worker EVERYTHING about his life. He left nothing out. We were all sitting at the same table, and he did not speak in a quiet tone. He was describing how he was sexually abused all his life by his father, that his wife died a year ago, leaving him with 4 kids to raise on his own-two of them with special needs; how his financial struggles are never-ending. He says that he is anxious because his mother had a heart attack last week and he had to leave work early (and did our co-worker think that management would look unfavorably upon him because he had to leave early?). Then he announced that his new girlfriend just died from a seizure. Our co-worker patiently listened and invited him to join her church to see if he would find a support group there that he liked. The rest of us ate our lunch quickly and left the break room.

Last week, more than a few co-workers approached me and told me that this new employee was making them uncomfortable, because he was elaborating on his life's challenges.

I don't know what to do. If what this guy says is true...Oh. Em. Gee. What an awful hand in life he was dealt! On the other hand, I don't think that it is appropriate for him to divulge such intimate details of his life in the workplace.

Here is my dilemma:

1. Should I talk to him directly about this, stating that I am empathetic to his multiple plights, but that he should focus on pt care while he is at work; (this seems very cold to me) or

2. Should I let our NM know what is going on? (I don't want to get him in trouble and consequently add MORE to his plate.) I am not his direct supervisor, although I am the charge nurse and a few employees have already asked that they not be assigned to him during his orientation.

Thanks for your thoughts. I really don't know what action I should take, but know that I must do SOMETHING. The staff don't know what to do either...this is a very awkward situation.

[locolorenzo22, BSN, RN]

Wow, some people don't have a filter, or a off button. Here's the thing. He may have NO other outlet outside of work, or maybe he is just glad to have some people to talk to. I think the coworker who invited him to church was a good idea, but you also have the right to ask him to tone it back a little. "Jim, I'm really sorry you're having so many problems, but maybe here isn't the place to talk about it." Does your employer offer a Employee assistance program? counseling would probably help.

Ask your NM to talk to him about it, saying it's not one person in general, he's not in "trouble", but the staff's concerned. GL.

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

He did just move here from another state, so you may very well be correct in guessing that he just wants someone to talk to. However, he apparently has made new friends here outside of work since he told us about his new girlfriend's passing.

We do have an EAP here. I think that will do him some good if he chooses do follow up on that avenue. It has been offered to him. I think that joining a church will do him a world of good-and I only state that because he was very excited about joining the church that our co-worker referred him to.

In the meantime, I think that I will take him aside and talk to him regarding his elaborately descriptive challenges. He is unknowingly alienating himself. I should let him know.

[Double-Helix, BSN, RN]

I agree with the above poster that he might not have another outlet for support other than co workers.

He might be telling the truth, he might new attention, he might be trying to gain sympathy in an attempt to be accepted. Which ever is true, a professional counselor is probably a good option for him. If there is an employee assistance program, he might not know about it so someone could politely bring it to his attention.

If your co workers don't want to listen to the details of his life, they should be able to say so. There is nothing wrong with politely saying "I'm sorry, but I'm not really comfortable discussing such personal information. Is there something else you like to talk about?"

Also, if he is only discussing these things while at lunch or on break, he isn't doing anything inappropriate and it's not right I ask him to stop. However, if he is talking about it in patient care areas, that's a different story.

It is hard to tell someone that they are sharing too much without sounding mean. But by making an effort to include this person in everyday conversations, he might feel more included and less of a need to tell his life's story.

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

He did just move here from another state, so you may very well be correct in guessing that he just wants someone to talk to. However, he apparently has made new friends here outside of work since he told us about his new girlfriend's passing.

We do have an EAP here. I think that will do him some good if he chooses do follow up on that avenue. It has been offered to him. I think that joining a church will do him a world of good-and I only state that because he was very excited about joining the church that our co-worker referred him to.

In the meantime, I think that I will take him aside and talk to him regarding his elaborately descriptive challenges. He is unknowingly alienating himself. I should let him know.

I agree...let him know that he needs a filter. He may have come from a place that embraced his....Ummm......forthrightness. Some areas of the country when you ask "how are you" they will give you detaioled answers because that's what they do.....other parts of the country are just being polite and could care less. He sounds stressed to the max.....Have him check into EAP and I would clue you manager in just to keep her in the loop but tell her your plan. Church is probably a good thing and remind him that maybe a more morulated tone is best....good luck

[Ldial1]

I worked with someone very similar to this person. It was an endless onslaught of personal info...way too much! It was uncomfortable for all that worked with him. I was the lucky one that had to give him the talk...very awkward, but it did help. He tomes down on the information. Good luck! I say have the talk, but let your superior know prior to doing it. They might want to address the situation rather than have you do it.

[Laurie52]

I must be the only cynic here! I find it hard to believe that 1 year after his wife died (leaving him to care for 4 children with 2 being special needs) and moving to another state that he had time to find a new girlfriend only to have her die of a seizure. Looks like he is just trying to get attention--unfortunately it is the negative kind.

[xtxrn, ASN, RN]

I must be the only cynic here! I find it hard to believe that 1 year after his wife died (leaving him to care for 4 children with 2 being special needs) and moving to another state that he had time to find a new girlfriend only to have her die of a seizure. Looks like he is just trying to get attention--unfortunately it is the negative kind.

Maybe not a cynic- just incredibly fortunate.....most people don't discuss their life stories so the vast majority have no clue what they have dealt with :)

[linearthinker, DNP, RN]

I blame facebook. It seems an entire generation does not seem to recognize that self absorbed over sharing is not at all interesting or appropriate. But, I wouldn't bother to say anything to him, and I sure as he// wouldn't get involved enough to say anything to administration. Let him either learn to zip it or dig his own grave. I would learn to say "Excuse me, I have to get back to work," and walk away though. Do that enough and maybe he'll get the message.

[netglow, ASN, RN]

That is hard. Hmmmm.

You just don't know how much you will be yanked into something if he has "other issues" as cause for him doing this that are dishonest. But then there are people who do have lives like this, and they are all around you at work, and they suffer silently I think for the most part. I sure hope his information isn't now cause for bullying him as some like to do just as soon as they see the weak gazelle on the serengeti plain, if he really is truthful.

I also hope that his getting this out there isn't his way of getting to the end of his rope with things, kind of like a loss of sense of self that he doesn't care who hears all of it, kinda IMHO a prelude to very dangerous depression where he could be beginning to cry for help before he can't even do that. Well, I'll just say it, this could be a modern day way of getting close to suicidal tendencies.

I'd let the higher-ups know, but probably best to be anonymouse.

[kessadawn, BSN, RN]

I am a skeptic as well. I have known people like this in my life, and most of the tales they told were just that, fictional tales. If he has really experienced all that craziness, my heart goes out to him. But I don't believe it, I think he's seeking attention.

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

My knee-jerk reaction was that he was telling tales in order to get attention. But I also know myself well enough to realize that I don't interpret people well because I am usually so focused on whatever task is at hand.

On the other hand, I have talked to a few people who were the victims of sexual abuse, and they are extremely unwilling to discuss it. It takes a great deal of time and trust in order to share the nightmare of sexual abuse. The fact that this guy sat down in a crowded break room and discussed (in great detail) the horrid encounters he faced as a child made me glance sideways at him.

It seems as if one catastrophe after another fills this guy's life. I just don't know what to think.

But I DO know that the staff are wary, and they don't want to be near him.