I had to really think about whether or not to pose this question here on allnurses. But after some thought, I would like to get some feedback on how to deal with this awkward situation. I am at a loss.
We recently hired a new employee. He seemed a bit odd at first, but I just chalked it up to my perception being off. A few days later, I was having lunch in the break room and hear him telling a co-worker EVERYTHING about his life. He left nothing out. We were all sitting at the same table, and he did not speak in a quiet tone. He was describing how he was sexually abused all his life by his father, that his wife died a year ago, leaving him with 4 kids to raise on his own-two of them with special needs; how his financial struggles are never-ending. He says that he is anxious because his mother had a heart attack last week and he had to leave work early (and did our co-worker think that management would look unfavorably upon him because he had to leave early?). Then he announced that his new girlfriend just died from a seizure. Our co-worker patiently listened and invited him to join her church to see if he would find a support group there that he liked. The rest of us ate our lunch quickly and left the break room.
Last week, more than a few co-workers approached me and told me that this new employee was making them uncomfortable, because he was elaborating on his life's challenges.
I don't know what to do. If what this guy says is true...Oh. Em. Gee. What an awful hand in life he was dealt! On the other hand, I don't think that it is appropriate for him to divulge such intimate details of his life in the workplace.
Here is my dilemma:
1. Should I talk to him directly about this, stating that I am empathetic to his multiple plights, but that he should focus on pt care while he is at work; (this seems very cold to me) or
2. Should I let our NM know what is going on? (I don't want to get him in trouble and consequently add MORE to his plate.) I am not his direct supervisor, although I am the charge nurse and a few employees have already asked that they not be assigned to him during his orientation.
Thanks for your thoughts. I really don't know what action I should take, but know that I must do SOMETHING. The staff don't know what to do either...this is a very awkward situation.
My knee-jerk reaction was that he was telling tales in order to get attention. But I also know myself well enough to realize that I don't interpret people well because I am usually so focused on whatever task is at hand.
On the other hand, I have talked to a few people who were the victims of sexual abuse, and they are extremely unwilling to discuss it. It takes a great deal of time and trust in order to share the nightmare of sexual abuse. The fact that this guy sat down in a crowded break room and discussed (in great detail) the horrid encounters he faced as a child made me glance sideways at him.
It seems as if one catastrophe after another fills this guy's life. I just don't know what to think.
But I DO know that the staff are wary, and they don't want to be near him.
Kinda depends on where in the healing process they are...either in the beginning of acknowledging it (no boundaries), just getting into it (needs validation by acknowledging it), or way later (which would probably go back to not saying much, since healthy boundaries are theoretically learned).
All victims are different. And, folks with lousy histories take a while to get to a developmental stage that their chronological age would suggest....many SA survivors are stuck in much younger developmental stages- and have to "re-grow up"- hopefully with help from a therapist who understands that.
The suggestion about getting back to your patients is a nonjudgmental escape :)
Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.
I must be the only cynic here! I find it hard to believe that 1 year after his wife died (leaving him to care for 4 children with 2 being special needs) and moving to another state that he had time to find a new girlfriend only to have her die of a seizure. Looks like he is just trying to get attention--unfortunately it is the negative kind.
Kind of like how I feel about allergies. I have watched this for a long time, and have come to the conclusion that if someone has more than three drug allergies, they usually have some underlying mental health issues. I mentioned this to an anesthesiologist once, and he concurred.
FWIW, I felt like I had to suspend disbelief reading that fellow's life history. Is it possible all of that really happened? Yeah, I guess. But my BS detector is beeping, big time.
Kind of like how I feel about allergies. I have watched this for a long time, and have come to the conclusion that if someone has more than three drug allergies, they usually have some underlying mental health issues. I mentioned this to an anesthesiologist once, and he concurred.
FWIW, I felt like I had to suspend disbelief reading that fellow's life history. Is it possible all of that really happened. Yeah, I guess. But my BS detector is beeping, big time.
The allergies related to the mental health issues (as in the allergies caused the mental health issues?) or if someone says they have more than 3 drug allergies, they must be nuts? A blanket statement for everyone on the planet???
info on type 3 reactions more the point - not the entire article.
Or could someone list sensitivities as well and the computer only accepts 'allergies'. And nobody clarifies the actual reaction?
I don't buy the excuse that behaviors are always some allergy- think that's a situation that is few and far between.... but to think someone is mentally impaired because they have problems with more than 3 medications is a bit dismissive at best....jmo, :) I agree with a lot of the same posts you do.....but not this one
My knee-jerk reaction was that he was telling tales in order to get attention. But I also know myself well enough to realize that I don't interpret people well because I am usually so focused on whatever task is at hand.
On the other hand, I have talked to a few people who were the victims of sexual abuse, and they are extremely unwilling to discuss it. It takes a great deal of time and trust in order to share the nightmare of sexual abuse. The fact that this guy sat down in a crowded break room and discussed (in great detail) the horrid encounters he faced as a child made me glance sideways at him.
It seems as if one catastrophe after another fills this guy's life. I just don't know what to think.
But I DO know that the staff are wary, and they don't want to be near him.
This is true of many, however, some people who were sexually abused--especially if it was an ongoing thing--have very poor boundaries (because those boundaries were constantly eroded).
Also, desperation can make some folks very blabby. They become like drowning victims who splash around and make a big commotion.
We do know one thing. This man has problems. Whether they're the ones he's describing or the fact that he would make up or embellish his stories may take some time to determine, but it doesn't matter at this point.
Your co-worker's church referral was an excellent idea. Maybe he'll find some friendship and support there and feel less stressed. The EAP recommendation was also spot on. He definitely needs some kind of help sorting out his life and finding resources if, indeed, some of what he's telling you is true.
You could certainly take him aside and let him know that, while you all feel for him and are happy to have him working with you, his "openness" with personal details is making you all feel a little uncomfortable. Not because you don't like him, but because it normally takes knowing someone a while before you develop that level of intimacy. Encourage him to seek outside support for his grief and challenging circumstances. Let him know you care, but, just as a life guard doesn't get too close to the drowning person, keep a professional distance and hand him a flotation device (suggestions about EAP, church, and other outside support).
If he takes offense, give him a little space, but then let him know he's still a part of the group.
It's tough to deal with folks who lay it all out there in front of everyone. It's like watching someone undress in public. The nakedness of their neediness makes others uncomfortable. Letting him know (kindly) how his actions are affecting the rest of you would be like coming up and putting a robe over his shoulders. No condemnation, just an encouragement to cover up a little.
I really hope you can help this guy find some healthier limits. You're a pretty tactful and articulate person, so I'd say the odds are in your favor.
This dude is like a walking pity party. I hate to sound insensitive and maybe SOME of what he is saying is true, but I still call BS. He either is a total attention seeker or he is freaking Pinocchio on steriods. I can see why the staff wouldn't want to be around him-he is a major downer, the last thing needed in the work place. It is very unprofessional, but I feel for you OP because the talk that you need to have with him still isn't going to be an easy one for you to bring up.
Specializes in Flight, ER, Transport, ICU/Critical Care.
I have encountered three (yep, 3) staffers that sounds a LOT like this one. What are the odds? And while there may have been some small seed of truth in all - when suspicions were piqued to the point that something had to be done to help - well, let's just say the help that was needed was not to treat the issues they lamented on and shared in vivid detail.
I hate to be all cold and doubting, but - come on. I went through a crushing year (though nothing compared to this dudes) and it was not something I shared. And I was certainly in NO shape to be in positions where I needed responsible for patients.
Frankly, either this guy is FOS and on the verge of being a scary, possibly dangerous person - or - he is being very truthful and, IF that is the case - well, that is scary for an entire other reason. IMHO - and it is just that. And I have spent the better part of 2 decades being on the front lines of events that are almost unspeakable and he sure seems to be having more than a tragic run.
Sure, it may just be the nature of "over sharing" and the subject matter he is divulging is horrific and that is the end of it - but, if staffers are feeling that uncomfortable (and frankly most of "us" can spot folks in despair vs. folks that scare us for some known/unknown reason) maybe there is a reason for reason.
I think you are going to have to do something - but what?
Now, I know this sounds like I think I know more than I do or that I consider myself judge or jury - but, I assure all the amazing ANers out there I mean this with the best of intentions. IF this guys is really dealing with what he has shared - I would feel compelled to assure that he had the assistance he needs (social services, access to anything and everything that can be found to help him and his family). However, there is a bigger issue here - sometimes, we pick up on "clues" that are not the obvious. Call it the spidey sense or 6th sense or whatever. If I was getting a gestalt from this guys that gave me any weebies or jeebies beyond the obvious - I would not spend too much time talking myself out of the WHY I was having the "feelings".
Imagine for a second that he is
1. telling the truth fully. Is this guy really in a shape to be caring for anyone else? Not saying rat him and get him fired - but, clearly something is not right with him IF he is laying all this out to strangers (sort of at this point anyway). He is asking without asking - answer his cry for help. EAP - social agency referral (can you do so blindly?). Something. Anything. Everything. What about these poor children he is caring for that have been through this much change and trauma and are now isolated.
2. it is all a BIG lie. Panic would be setting in on me as this guy is not well. Period. If he is capable of coming up with this kind of ruse - what else could he do? Sociopath - psychopath - this. guy. needs. help. But, the bigger key is you and your staff and patients. Act at once to protect all - call in professionals and everyone has to get on the same page here. Who knows what could really be going on. SAFETY is vital.
I encourage everyone to read a book from a few years ago - called THE GIFT OF FEAR - it details how we know without knowing and gives real world examples and strategies to keep you safe.
I'd go to EAP myself and share what I knew and ask for advice on how to proceed. Maybe even go as a group after you open the EAP door for the conversation to take place.
Bottom line - PROFESSIONAL HELP is 100% NECESSARY.
Specializes in Trauma Surgery, Nursing Management.
Thanks for the sound advice, M and XT. I never considered what stage he was in regarding the healing process.
He clearly has no boundaries. He is an EXCELLENT employee clinically and is very capable in many regards. My only hesitation in recommending him for permanent status is that he is alienating himself, and that will not bode well for him, especially since he is still in orientation. I would hate for him to lose this job because he can't put a lid on his personal life, but I have seen it happen. Thankfully, our managers weigh the feedback from other employees when considering an orientee for permanent status. He is unknowingly digging himself into a hole.
I like to think that I am more open-minded than your average Joe, because I also graduated from the School of Hard Knocks. I can relate to those who have been through a traumatic experience or two. Before I became a nurse, I sought counseling for the issues that I knew I needed to overcome (such as my mother's passing and my father's consequential 'peacing out' from the rest of the family), and am a staunch advocate for counseling. However, I do NOT discuss my past hardships in the workplace. Hell, I don't discuss them with my closest friends. Counseling taught me how to close the chapter on those trying times.
After reading these posts, I think that my best course of action would be to let my NM know what is going on and to tell her that I am willing to address this with him privately. This plan still makes me uncomfortable because I really don't want this guy to become a target. However, eventually this dilemma will certainly come to light because many staff members have verbalized their discomfort with him.
I believe that it will be 'less scary' coming from me than having this new employee sitting across from the NM having to explain why the other employees feel so uncomfortable with his sharing.
Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.
What ever happened to your other odd new nurse who wouldn't actually work? Sounds like you guys have had some bad luck when it comes to hiring good staff.
Sounds as if he went past his overflow button. I would have a talk with him first before mentioning the situation to the supervisors. Let him know that if he does not cease immediately, you will be forced to bring this matter to their attention, and let him know how he is affecting those who have complained. It may already be out of your hands if they are already complaining.
Just wondering if there is a way of verifying what he says?
Can you ask which school his kids are at, for example?
Maybe ask what support the ones with special needs receive.
I just think that if this is all real and not BS, he would be able to anwer easily and truthfully. If he doesnt know the name of any local schools, well, I guess you have your answer.
It wouldn't do any harm to find a local support network for parents of kids with special needs, and give him the details.
If its BS he won't know how to respond, and if its true he will be grateful for the support.
Specializes in Trauma Surgery, Nursing Management.
What ever happened to your other odd new nurse who wouldn't actually work? Sounds like you guys have had some bad luck when it comes to hiring good staff.
xtxrn, ASN, RN
4,267 Posts
Kinda depends on where in the healing process they are...either in the beginning of acknowledging it (no boundaries), just getting into it (needs validation by acknowledging it), or way later (which would probably go back to not saying much, since healthy boundaries are theoretically learned).
All victims are different. And, folks with lousy histories take a while to get to a developmental stage that their chronological age would suggest....many SA survivors are stuck in much younger developmental stages- and have to "re-grow up"- hopefully with help from a therapist who understands that.
The suggestion about getting back to your patients is a nonjudgmental escape :)