I kept a journal of all my years doing nursing at, my working life as a nurse and working in hospitals, my LIFE experience, and my stupid, STUPID mother ripped them all up and threw them away in the bin for recycling when I was working away! I didn't ask her to do this and I am SO, SO furious right now. I thought I could maybe retrieve it all but she said this was months ago, so it is all probably land fill by now.
I know I shouldn't call my mother stupid, but come on ..... she didn't even LOOK to see what they were.
All my journals of my nursing experience, all my private journals over 15 years and more - all gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know if anyone else writes a journal, but I was thinking of writing a book later on with my journal as a reference. I was going to scan everything and put it on my computer for safe keeping when I got back (ha ha TOO ironic for words!)
My journals were very important to me. They documented my loves, my life, my experiences with many of my patients I'd looked after.
I know this isn't really nursing but has anyone ever had this happen to them?
I'm so upset, I just feel like I could cry - all that writing and all those stories - just gone forever!!!
It is indeed a loss and you need time to grieve. Perhaps it would be easier to bear if you think of it in terms of people who lose things in fires and storms. My mother always made it known that I was not her favorite child too, so I know how that feels. And this makes the loss even worse. I hope that in time you will heal and find some peace of mind.
Thank you.
I do feel selfish cos many people lately have lost so much more than me in the Queensland floods, and in the fires in Victoria and Western Australia. Some of them lost their whole family. I suppose that is one way to think of it.
It IS like a death - and I have only ever been to one funeral. And I will never go to another one ever again.
I just wish she would have rung or texted me, just asked me what to do with them, or even LOOKED at what she was ripping up. She probably went on a manic high and didn't even realise what she was doing.
I am such an IDIOT for trusting my mum again, cos I thought she was getting better as she got older. I was going to put it all in private storage and then changed my mind, to save money.
To everyone out there: PAY FOR THE PRIVATE STORAGE! You have peace of mind, storage places have security guards and fire alarms etc, so your stuff will be very safe.
As I was out running errands, I also remembered with great sadness that I had put all the postcards and letters my ex sent me when he was travelling round Europe, and my poems and stories (which I wanted to publish one day). My ex always used to tell me how much he missed me, etc and he would always put a little added note on the bottom of his postcards or letters, like a little saying or a poem *sigh*
So much for saving myself money - all I have now is an unsettled mind and a feeling of being heart sick.
Thanks again for listening and for all the responses. It has made me feel a little better, and taught me not to be so selfish when some people have lost everything.
My daughter was in charge of things I had to leave in storage. Of course, you know what happened. When I found out about it, I was beyond livid. She said she had told me that she didn't have the money to pay the storage. She never mentioned a word. My college diplomas, the US flag that draped her father's casket. The family photographs. Personal records, all irreplaceable. Not a care to her. Not one bit.
May I ask, if it's not too painful, did you forgive your daughter? If so, how did you do it? Did you have a conversation with her? I tried to get some more details off my Mum and she told me just to forget all about it.
Did you have the heart to forgive?
So sorry you lost the flag, photos and diplomas as well At least I still have some old photos. Can you/did you get copies of your diploma and photos?
I don't know about the forgiveness part. I pretty much just chalked it up to her typical behavior. Sometimes she can come through on things, other times she just does what is convenient to her at the time. The diplomas would probably be difficult to obtain. The school is the same one that refuses to provide transcipts for me. The other things are not replaceable. I just try not to think about the situation. Feel violated when something important is taken away. For the most part, I can see where your journals would have even more of an emotional value to you and if it were me, I would not be able to recover from the disappointment, even though you know that your Mom is deficient in her feelings. Only advice I can give you is to try to find something else to become involved in to try to fill some of those empty places that your journals filled. Best wishes.
Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.
I'm crying for you now not me!
I can't blame this all on my mother's bipolar. She simply and categorically hates me and always has. And please don't anyone say that is not true - she has told me to my face.
I don't think what happened to me was as accidental as he portrayed at the time, either. My mother simply would not believe he had done it, and he muttered something about "who could tell what was what". These things were separated from normal pay stubs, tax records and the like, in a completely different style of crate, and I never asked them to do it in the first place!! I know there was an undercurrent of dismissive feelings my stepfather had about me. I never brought it back up after the initial horror of realizing all my stuff was gone, and when he was close to death I tried my very hardest to remember the loving things he had done, but I can tell you right now I still am not over the bitterness within myself. Maybe I never will be. But I don't feel vengeance anger it is hurt anger. Much of the items were related to the family of my biological father - who left when I was 6 years old. See what a tangled mess all these family relationships can get in, oh my!!
Just typing this stuff brings tears to my eyes -- just remember if anyone should ever (as we know people are wont to say stupid things) say, "it was only paper" or "it was only . . ." don't let it get under your skin, while yes there are worse things in life, this hurts, it hurts like hell, and with time the sharpness fades, but never goes away completely. Especially when there is an emotional component to it like with your mother and my stepdad. If I really thought it was the honest mistake he portrayed it to be, it would have been far easier to accept, as it is I know I haven't released all of the hurt and anger. I try, and do have faith I'm not expected to be perfect, so long as we keep trying to do the best we can with the crappy hand we are dealt sometimes.
I don't know about the forgiveness part. I pretty much just chalked it up to her typical behavior. Sometimes she can come through on things, other times she just does what is convenient to her at the time. The diplomas would probably be difficult to obtain. The school is the same one that refuses to provide transcipts for me. The other things are not replaceable. I just try not to think about the situation. Feel violated when something important is taken away. For the most part, I can see where your journals would have even more of an emotional value to you and if it were me, I would not be able to recover from the disappointment, even though you know that your Mom is deficient in her feelings. Only advice I can give you is to try to find something else to become involved in to try to fill some of those empty places that your journals filled. Best wishes.
I'm truly sorry you can't get these things replaced. I too believe some things are not really forgiveable.
My diploma is gone as well. I was going to get it framed soon as well, but now I will have to contact the university to see if I can get a copy at least
Yes one does feel violated. It was all I really had in this world to give me some comfort.
So many bad things have happened to me lately, I hope nothing else springs up, cos I will have to go get anti-depressants or something.
Once again, thanks for opening up and sharing a painful experience.
Oh Carol, I am so, so, sorry!! It is too much!! She shouldn't have done that, but she did! You can't change that and you are grieving for sure, just like you would a favourite person who has died. So go ahead and scream into a pillow, break some plates/glasses but do something for me...as I know you are a writer...write it all down how much it hurts, the anger, the hate even for what your mum did and then set a match to it and let it burn away. Sending you my love and energy. Cathy
Oh Carol, I am so, so, sorry!! It is too much!! She shouldn't have done that, but she did! You can't change that and you are grieving for sure, just like you would a favourite person who has died. So go ahead and scream into a pillow, break some plates/glasses but do something for me...as I know you are a writer...write it all down how much it hurts, the anger, the hate even for what your mum did and then set a match to it and let it burn away. Sending you my love and energy. Cathy
Thank you so much. My tears are starting up again, but your suggestion I will follow - and hopefully tomorrow I will feel a bit better.
Don't know how I'm going to get over this or forgive my Mum but I feel like this has changed me as a person.
Part of my soul has been shattered today - never to be replaced unfortunately. I wish even new clothes or shoes had been thrown away - they are replaceable. And guess what? She DID keep my old shoes and clothes - but ripped up all my personal journals, and my parchment from university. How and why???? I just don't understand my Mother and I never will.
I just feel so incredibly sad. I don't think I will ever be the same again.
Thank you again for everyone's kind words. They have really helped heal me today :)
Hi Carol, how are you today? Did you burn your anger, hatred and hurt? Love and fairy kisses. Cathy
Hi Cathy
I went to the recycling plant (hoping against hope I suppose) to try and find out if there was any way I could retrieve my stuff.
They guy there listened patiently and said this happens a lot - people go away, relatives fight or whatever, the relatives get their stuff and dump it. He said it wouldn't have got dumped in the small town I'm in - it would have all gone to Adelaide and it gets shredded then crushed, so there is no way to retrieve it all. I felt heart sick when he told me that.
He looked at me quite astutely and told me straight: 'There are only 2 ways to deal with this - hold a grudge forever, or try to get over it, move on and look ahead to the future'. Such words of wisdom from a guy who works in recycling!
I had a looooong think yesterday. I felt like a cow for not talking to my Mum. She is old now - nearly 70 - and treating her bad won't bring anything back. What's done is done. If my Mum was on a manic high when she did this, it wouldn't have even crossed her mind to call me and ask, or even to send a text msg. My Mum does not like phones anyway, or even people for that matter.
My journals, letters, poems, stories, postcards etc were all I really treasured. As I said I'm not a materialistic person (I think people are more important than things), but they were so precious to me.
so I've decided to be philosophical and there is nothing I can do about it but forgive. It hurt more I think cos so many things had gone wrong for me lately - I have had the worse run of bad luck - and this was just the last straw. I honestly felt clinically depressed. I know it sounds stupid, but some people treasure their material goods, or their dogs, children of course- but this was something that was MINE alone if that makes sense.
I blame myself cos my Mum has done this in the past. I can't say I didn't know, but she seemed a lot better lately. I was too stingy to pay for storage, and now I have paid the ultimate price.
So be it.
Well I've learned my lesson as they say.
Thanks for asking about me. It makes me feel like people DO care - and I was beginning to doubt that people cared at all.
At least I still have some old photos. Can you/did you get copies of your diploma and photos?
:crying2:
carolmaccas66, BSN, RN
2,212 Posts
Thank you.
I do feel selfish cos many people lately have lost so much more than me in the Queensland floods, and in the fires in Victoria and Western Australia. Some of them lost their whole family. I suppose that is one way to think of it.
It IS like a death - and I have only ever been to one funeral. And I will never go to another one ever again.
I just wish she would have rung or texted me, just asked me what to do with them, or even LOOKED at what she was ripping up. She probably went on a manic high and didn't even realise what she was doing.
I am such an IDIOT for trusting my mum again, cos I thought she was getting better as she got older. I was going to put it all in private storage and then changed my mind, to save money.
To everyone out there: PAY FOR THE PRIVATE STORAGE! You have peace of mind, storage places have security guards and fire alarms etc, so your stuff will be very safe.
As I was out running errands, I also remembered with great sadness that I had put all the postcards and letters my ex sent me when he was travelling round Europe, and my poems and stories (which I wanted to publish one day). My ex always used to tell me how much he missed me, etc and he would always put a little added note on the bottom of his postcards or letters, like a little saying or a poem *sigh*
So much for saving myself money - all I have now is an unsettled mind and a feeling of being heart sick.
Thanks again for listening and for all the responses. It has made me feel a little better, and taught me not to be so selfish when some people have lost everything.