Am I crazy?

Nurses General Nursing

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Hi Everyone, I am new to posting although I have been reading posts on all nurses since I came across this site. I am 25 years old and will be starting school next month to become a nurse (2yr ADN program). I have worked in healthcare since I was 19, mostly as a phlebotomist but also as a CNA. I am very acquainted with the healthcare setting and feel like I know what I am getting myself into. With that being said, I feel like I might be crazy to think I can actually handle a career as a nurse. The reason I say this is because of some things that have happened in my life recently. Let me explain:

About 19 months ago both of my children were diagnosed with a rare genetic condition (not obvious at birth). There is no cure and it is terminal. My oldest son (4 in December) started showing some signs of regression at about 18 months old after developing normally up until then. He now can no longer walk, talk, eat, etc. We immediately tested our then 6 month old son and he was also diagnosed. With this condition, it diagnosed before symptoms present, (which usually only happens in situations like mine when an older sibling is first diagnosed) then you have the option of doing an umbilical cord blood transplant. It does not cure the condition but it can delay onset of symptoms and slows down the normally rapid progression of the disease. At 8 months old (May 2009), our younger son had the transplant. He did exceptionally well with minor complications until about 6 months post transplant when his issues became more serious. 3 months later, 3 days shy of 18 months old our sweet baby boy passed away. Tomorrow will mark 6 months without him:( My 4 year old is currently stable, smiles all the time, and even attends pre-school for 3 hours a day. The thing is with this condition- he could have 3 months he could have 3 years. He will most definately, (unless they come up with a cure) not make it to his early teens.

While this is a lot to deal with, the grief is and always will be there, I feel the need to do something. I left my last job when my son started his treatment and I am ready to start picking up the pieces and get my life back together because the reality is that life goes on without him. Let me also say that if my almost 4 year old developed ANY issues that I would drop out and put nursing school on hold-He is my #1 priority. Now that that is all out, Nursing is something I have always wanted to do. I actually started nursing school at 19 but was working full-time also and wanting to "just be 19" and then the kids came along and life happens. Now is the first time in my life that nursing school is an option again. I feel like eventhough my circumstances are rough that I can make it through school and do good at it. I am not a half-asser- I either give it my all or don't even attempt it. My problem is my heart is in pediatrics. I just wonder with my history is it something that I could REALLY do. Could I handle it? Who knows maybe I'll get into pediatrics and hate it and find a passion for something else. I've thought about even looking into being a flight nurse which I know would entail experience in critical/intensive care which are other fields I am also interested in. I guess there is really not a point in this post- I am just kind of thinking out loud. Your opinions would be greatly appriciated on this matter though.

Another thing that I really worry about is the job market in my area. There are several nursing schools around so there will be lots of competition. I plan on furthering my education past ADN but with my situation, it could take me a long time to get to that point.

Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.

My heart goes out to you {{{Stacey}}} I hope you are going to a bereavement support group or similar outlet for you to air your feelings about the loss you've already experienced and the worry over your surviving child. I know at 25 you are a grown-up and a mom going through some very serious trials, but damn girl from me looking back at age 54 you are showing an amazing amount of strength!

Your question about working in peds- I decided to become a nurse after experiencing the impact my liitle 4 year old brother's leukemia had on our family and observing the awesomeness that was some of his nurses, and my first job out of nursing school was at the hospital he was treated at. I was able to fully realize the separation between our family and others, and honestly it wasn't a problem for me. Seeing a child who is very sick is never easy, but you know more than anyone what a support the caregivers can be, especially those you get close to during the course of your child's treatment.

Sounds like you are already accepted to school and having a little "buyer's remorse". I think it may be essential to your mental health to divert your mind and challenge your intellect as well as meet new people in school as long as you don't feel shortchanged in the amount of time you spend with your son, and don't become overwhelmed with the stress of school and studies. I can totally understand the stress of sameness too. You already seem sensitive to the possibility that you may have to curtail the pace of your studies, so no you aren't crazy, God bless you and best wishes to you. :redpinkhe

Specializes in LTC Rehab Med/Surg.

Your loss is unimaginable. I would not add to your sorrow, but maybe you could consider your options from a different angle. Instead of considering what is best for you and your future, you could do what is in your childs best interest. A mother who is not distracted by school, tests, studying, clinicals is the best gift you could give your baby. I hesitate to post this as it has a judgemental feel to it, and that is absolutely not my intention.

I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

Firstly, I am truley sorry for your situation with your children. It is an unimaginable thought to go through what your family has and continues to. Secondly, it is understandable where you are coming from, with wanting to not lose your motivation and contribute to society...

Have you ever considered the LPN/LVN route? LPN/LVN school takes less time to complete, so theoretically more precious time at home with your child, while you are still progressing towards your future career and educational goals. It is a foot in the door to the nursing profession, and there are bridge programs to becoming an RN -if you truley decide it is the career for you. when you feel ready to continue on with your educaton afterwards, the opportunity is always there...

Don't get me wrong, LPN/LVN school still requires many hours of schooling, studying, clinicals and the like, but can be done in 10-12 months. To me it seems like a happy-medium, and you are still very young. But, again, as stated before- only you can decide what is right for you and yours... Good luck in your decisions, and my best wishes to your family.

I want to say that I am so sorry to hear about your children. That must be very hard to talk about and I applaud you for reaching out to the allnurses community. I have to say though...I don't want to discourage you from nursing school, but like many others have said in previous posts, it takes so much time, energy, patience, and sacrifice. I would not sacrifice the time you have with your son for nursing school. It is so stressful, and it literally takes you away from your child mentally and physically. There have been so many times in the last few years that I wish I didn't have study or do clinical or whatever because I want to spend more time with my 3 year old son. At times it has made me feel like a bad mother or made me feel like I have neglected my son for my program. I strongly encourage you to keep that dream, but to put your family first.

Thank you all for your kind expressions of sympathy. While I did ask for your opinions-I am feeling totally judged. To the person who told me to consider putting my child first instead of myself: Please come walk a few days in my shoes. I firmly believe that you must take care of yourself before you can take care of others. What good am I if I sit home depressed all day everyday? I feel that some of you (most of you) get the impression that my son is not my priority. Honestly, when it comes down to it I don't care what anyone thinks or assumes-no one can truly understand my situation. I just wonder if my friends and family who seem so supportive are really thinking these things in the back of their heads.

Hi!

I think that if you need to get out of the house, go for it. I, too, worry about getting depressed and lazy when I sit around, especially when I am in a sad situation. Although I cannot know what you are going through, you have my sympathy and well-wishes.

I say go ahead and start back to school. Why not? You already know that you will withdraw if you have to. Your son will not benefit from a depressed, sad mom, but will definitely benefit from a mom who has something to look forward to in life.

I hope this helps! Good luck on your journey towards becoming a nurse. I hope you are able to enjoy the time you have left with your son and make the most of it.

Stacey, my sincerest heartfelt condolences on your loss..

and i think starting nursing school is an excellent idea!! it sounds your like priorities are completely in order, and you starting nursing school is not putting your child on the back burner at all in my opinion. You stated that your feeling unmotivated and out of the loop in society...whats wrong with getting back in? NOTHING..im sure if things are not going well medically with your child, you will withdraw from school if you need. But in the meantime there is no certified "stamp" on your childs life..he god willing will live another 10 years. and of course you dont want to sit home, you have to keep mvoing forward...go head girl and get back in school! yes there is alot of studying involved, but im sure you know that! your son needs a mom who is NOT sinking into any depression, needs to see mom ENJOYING life, happy and confident! Good luck to you!!

Specializes in Community Health, Med-Surg, Home Health.

My heart bleeds to read about the loss of your first child and the challenges of your second.

When you say you are entering into nursing school, is it to take the pre-requisites or are you already accepted into the actual nursing program? I ask because if it is the pre-requisites such as Anatomy, English, etc...maybe just taking one class at a time may be helpful. This way, you can still spend the time with the child you have left, monitor their condition and still get some of the needed classes out of the way.

In addition, maybe you may need a healthy, goal related distraction. You say that your child is currently healthy. And, I am sure that you are vigilant in caring for that child because of the diagnosis. However, you may also need something for YOU. A different challenge, so to speak, where you can carve out something that is just for you to do. If you are just taking one class at a time, you may not have to sacrifice everything for nursing school just yet. You may even be able to schedule a class that is scheduled at the same time while your child is in school for those three hours.

I can agree that nursing school is very time consuming, and it is unrelenting. They usually inform students ahead of time how many absences are allowed and most times, there are no exceptions, even though they may be empathetic to your circumstances. I have seen classmates of mine return to school one week after having a C-section and in pain in order not to exceed the absenteeism policies. Only you can decide for yourself if you are able to do this with your current circumstances.

You may be very strong enough to work in pediatrics eventually, but I do think that maybe the passing of your first child and the second one having the same, but unpredictable prognosis make me say to give yourself a bit of time. I wish you the very best!

Specializes in chemical dependency detox/psych.
Thank you all for your kind expressions of sympathy. While I did ask for your opinions-I am feeling totally judged. To the person who told me to consider putting my child first instead of myself: Please come walk a few days in my shoes. I firmly believe that you must take care of yourself before you can take care of others. What good am I if I sit home depressed all day everyday? I feel that some of you (most of you) get the impression that my son is not my priority. Honestly, when it comes down to it I don't care what anyone thinks or assumes-no one can truly understand my situation. I just wonder if my friends and family who seem so supportive are really thinking these things in the back of their heads.

First, I'm so, so sorry for the horrible tragedy and loss that you've experienced. Honestly, I don't think that anyone was trying to make you feel judged, but since it did make you feel this way, I apologize deeply for them. I think that a good way to satisfy your needs to do something constructive for yourself and take care of your son, would be to make an appointment to speak with the head of the school's nursing department. Explain your issues. I think that you could perhaps do any extended part-time track, and maybe take a class or two a semester, perhaps online? The people that have told you that nursing school is unrelentingly brutal in its time demands are completely honest. Absences, even for deaths, serious illnesses, house fires, etc. are not tolerated, so you would fail the class and waste your money. I do think that online classwork for the non-clinical portions of nursing would be an excellent choice for you. Good luck...I really mean that. :hug:

Perhaps you could take one or two classes a semester in prerequesites that will be needed for nursing school. But for nursing school itself, it is all encompassing; you eat, sleep, go to school/study and do little else.

IMHO if you do go to nursing school now either your son will lose out on your time or you will not have the time needed for your studies.

I agree with DeeAngels, nursing school is pretty tough and it's not what it seems. I have never heard anyone say that they half-a$$ed nursing school. Everyone, at least that I know, works their butts off to graduate. No one is judging you but from reading what your experiencing right now and what some of us are going through with school, some of us feel it would be difficult to manage both at the same time. Both responsibilities are demanding. Don't take offense because you do not like what some people are saying about nursing school. If 100% of allnurses say it's going to be tough, it's going to be tough. Noone is judging your parenting, they are just making you aware that it will be difficult to balance both. I know your son is your #1 priority and that's why I'm saying nursing school is not the be-all end-all. You need to be aware and ready to sacrifice a lot of time spent with your son. If you're okay with that to reap a better future for you and your son, then do it.

If you're going on the BSN route, it's a definite balance between doing essays, weekly readings and practicum. I barely see my friends. The only time I see them is during the christmas break. I barely see them spring break because I use that time to catch up and study for tests after the break. There are times where I'm really irritable with my family because they demand me to contribute to the household... which sometimes I can't because I have a lot of assignments due at the same time. Last year, I had to do a lot of group work and it was one of my biggest headaches. People just had different time schedules and responsibilities. Additionally, every year your program gets tougher and has higher expectations of you. I'll be honest, I had a break down last year. There was a time for two nights in a row where I laid in bed and cried myself to sleep. The expectations were high and my instructor was not supportive. I have to agree with Slightymental_RN, you might be surprised that universities lacks empathy towards their students at times. There was a student in my school who did not take his final exams because on the same day his father died of a heart attack. Because he missed his final exam, he failed the course. He tried to appeal it but he had to go through so much red tape. He had to prove that he's a good student, and he had to get a medical note from hospital where his father died. One of the big issues was that he did not tell the school right away, he waited two weeks or so to appeal. So you see the school lacked empathy, they didn't even consider the fact that he was grieving and had to do other paper work (e.g., wills, property etc.).

Specializes in Rodeo Nursing (Neuro).
Thank you all for your kind expressions of sympathy. While I did ask for your opinions-I am feeling totally judged. To the person who told me to consider putting my child first instead of myself: Please come walk a few days in my shoes. I firmly believe that you must take care of yourself before you can take care of others. What good am I if I sit home depressed all day everyday? I feel that some of you (most of you) get the impression that my son is not my priority. Honestly, when it comes down to it I don't care what anyone thinks or assumes-no one can truly understand my situation. I just wonder if my friends and family who seem so supportive are really thinking these things in the back of their heads.

I haven't made it to the end of the thread because I think this needs to be said: my first impression (and I could be full of it) was that your child may benefit from seeing a mother who is active and engaged in living. Nursing school will eat a lot of your time, no doubt. But one of my carpool buddies had a great philosophy: "Make B's, have a life." This isn't quite C=RN, but it's a pretty good antidote to the usual nursing student who goes home in tears over only making 92% on an exam. I finally adopted that attitude in my last semester, and the world didn't end. (Although I still kick myself because one of my B's was from leaving a finished paper on my desk at home because I didn't remember it was due that day).

I'm deeply sorry for your loss, and your son's prognosis breaks my heart. But you are young and have a lot of years left to live, and I think you have the right idea to go ahead and live them. You mentioned, I believe, that your son attends preschool. That makes perfect sense, to me. The more normalcy he can experience, the better. Same goes for you having a life of your own. If spending 24/7 with him could buy him an extra day, maybe it would be worth it. But the hard reality is, life goes on, and you have to go with it as best you can.

Best wishes, whatever you decide.

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