Alternative to spanking

[HeartsOpenWide]

I had very lax parents myself. I can remember being spanked once in my entire life. I got grounded a few times once I reached high school and for good reasons, but other than that I didn't really receive discipline much from my parents. My husbands family on the other hand is in favor of spanking; at one point I though I was too but am now against it...but still have to stifle laughs when I hear a parent say, "use your words" to a kid throwing a tantrum; maybe because I am yet to see this work.

I am in Community Nursing this semester. The placement I am at has a brochure on why you should not spank. The brochure was very informative on why you should not spank but it lacked any information on alternative ways to correct behavior/discipline. I chose not to had this out because I felt the information was not complete. Not being a parent yet myself, I did not feel equip to give alternatives if asked once the brochure was read and the client found that no alternatives were included.

Suggestions would be appreciated.

[Atheos]

The law allows for spanking for a reason. Because it's effective. This entire liberal " hug a tree " " don't spank children " " love them through their punishment and nurture them" stuff is why our prison's are full.

Now it's time for me to flip flop.

I do not think spanking is abuse.

However...

Spanking is not always effective. Spanking wasn't effective on me. Every crime you can think, minus the violent ones, were common activities for me as a teenager.

Spanking didn't stop that behavior. Nor did any other discipline strategy for that matter.

It didn't stop until maturity AND the Army stopped it.

You can't correlate HOW one disciplines their child with crime. Other factors come into play. Some factors are beyond anyone's control.

Discipline isn't always what's needed to mold a child into a crime free adult.

I will agree with one thing though. After I matured a bit and started growing up. I started noticing that everything my parents taught me I was doing. The discipline, while not shaping my behavior became a major factor for my behavior after maturity set in. However it isn't the spanking that did it. It's the lessons my parents were trying to spank into me that stuck. The spanking was to ensure I paid attention. Apparently I DID pay attention. :)

So... spanking doesn't always work. Nor does time out. Or any other method.

The point is that no single method is superior to the another and each one has it's proper place and time.

To decry one and insist only one works is extremely short sighted and misinformed. Different children need different strategies.

(Sorry if it seems like I am talking about me. It easier to use a real life example than some hypothetical, I read it in a book example. My success in nursing and my ability to be empathetic and compassionate with vulnerable people is proof that spanking isn't some horrible act. Most of my neuroses are directly related to my mother's abuse. None of it stems from my father's spanking. Imagine that.)

ETA:

Oh, and by the way. I'm an ultra liberal and I believe in spanking. Some of the people against spanking here are conservatives so that claim is bunk.

[NurseyBaby'05, BSN, RN]

Stanley-

You are absolutely right. Every kid is different. Spanking doesn't seem to do much for ds. He doesn't seem to grasp time-out right now either for that matter. It may also be that they're not effective for him at this time, but may work later. Unlike Deb's parents, dh and I realized this and searched for alternatives instead of upping the ante with the physical punishment. It seems like what is far more important than any particular method of discipline is being consistent and crystal clear with your expectations. It sounds like that was the lesson that made it through to you and the lesson I want to make it through to my kids.

[SmilingBluEyes]

Physical punishment did not correct me; it made me sneakier. Yet another reason I don't hit/spank my own children. It does not work. Especially with my very strong-willed ones.

[Atheos]

Physical punishment did not correct me; it made me sneakier. Yet another reason I don't hit/spank my own children. It does not work. Especially with my very strong-willed ones.

That applies to EVERY punishment.

The more my parents punished me the better I got at getting away with things.

I was fooling the parents AND the police.

So, it's not just spanking. LOL

If a child insists on being bad NOTHING you can do will stop it.

Plain and simple. I didn't fear the police, the FBI or the truancy officers. Much less my parents.

Nothing they could have done would have stopped me.

Their method DID turn out to be right though.

The goal of discipline isn't a well behaved child. The goal is a responsible, compassionate, well behaved ADULT...

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

Interesting Stan and Deb. We were good kids. When mom spanked us, we stopped dead in our tracks and behaved and learned quickly how to behave. I was strong-willed and never cried when she spanked me which I think mad her madder. She also yelled which was worse. I wonder how many non-spankers scream at their kids.

There's no easy answer as to the side effects of spanking because people are too diverse. I'm glad I'm not a parent.

[NurseyBaby'05, BSN, RN]

Deb-Any severe/overreactive punishments do that for sure. Dh and I talk about it all the time. Whether physical, verbal tirades, excessive grounding/writing, when they were over the top it brought out the worst in us and our siblings. We all wound-up sneaking around a lot more than we had to b/c we never knew what was coming or how our respective parents would react. An example of a non-physical, but over the top for dh was him being forced to stay in his room for a week . . . . . . when he was six! I asked him what on earth he had done to get that and he didn't remember at all. If he doesn't even remember what he did, I think it defeats the whole purpose.

[leslie :-D]

The goal of discipline isn't a well behaved child. The goal is a responsible, compassionate, well behaved ADULT...

bingo.

all my kids are extremely strong willed (gee, wonder who they got that from?).

bottom line is, if no punishments work, sometimes you just have to let them fall on their face.

w/o intervention from the parents, sometimes life and its consequences are a kid's best teacher.

and, while raising my children, i've always had my eye on how they'll turn out as adults.

that is indeed, the bottom line.

leslie

[Atheos]

Interesting Stan and Deb. We were good kids. When mom spanked us, we stopped dead in our tracks and behaved and learned quickly how to behave. I was strong-willed and never cried when she spanked me which I think mad her madder. She also yelled which was worse. I wonder how many non-spankers scream at their kids.

There's no easy answer as to the side effects of spanking because people are too diverse. I'm glad I'm not a parent.

Well in the interests of full disclosure, I was, and am bipolar.

God him or herself could have smote me down and I wouldn't have paused for one instant. I was DRIVEN.

That is just proof that ABUSE doesn't work. Telling a smart, bipolar kid that they are stupid is a good way to get them to prove they are not... by outsmarting police and feds AND pushing the limit further and further just to prove how smart they are. Pushing them so far that they scare themselves straight. LOL That's not easy to do. Kinda like scaring yourself to get rid of hiccups but on a bigger scale.

Abuse = Bad

Spanking = Ok in my book.

:chuckle

[NurseyBaby'05, BSN, RN]

So, Stanley . . . . . . .

How was it that the Army was able to get through to you when nothing else did? Was it just a matter of timing?

I am definitely seeing and uphill battle with ds and any other progeny of dh and me. We are both strong-willed to a fault. I just want to know what I'm in for, know what I mean?

[sharpeimom]

As I mentioned in a prior post, my parents, who did not believe in spanking, came up with some creative punishments and solutions as I was growing up. When I was 11, a new girl in my class smoked and I went home and announced that I wanted to start smoking too. Instead of forbidding it, blowing their tops, or threatening me with punishment, my dad said the cigarettes would have to be paid for out of my allowance and I would have to pick a brand neither of them (both were smokers) smoked since our packs might get mixed up. My dad took me downtown to the tobacco shop and I began my search for "my perfect cigarette." Aided and abetted by the owner who had been warned we were coming, I was guided to a pack of English Ovals (which I found out years later were a favorite of Turkish soldiers!) which I paid for along with my very own lighter (since I wasn't allowed to light matches.) By then, it was dark outside and when I wanted an after dinner smoke, was told I'd have to have "lighter training" in the morning. By Sunday afternoon, I was deemed safe to solo. I lit my English Oval, inhaled DEEPLY and about died! Determined to finish it, I kept puffing and coughing until I'd finished it and that was the end of my smoking career. BTW, I missed 3 days of school. Creative but effective...

Another time, when I was 15, I borrowed a raw silk favorite blouse of my mom's without permission and sneaked out the kitchen door to school while my mom was in the shower. I changed out of it when I got home but set it on an antique floor lamp with a 200 watt bulb which I turned on when it grew dark. It didn't scorch, it fried and half my allowance went to pay for that blouse for about 18 months.

The same week I passed my driver's test at age 16, I took my dad's new car to fill it and misjudged how close I was to the pump and tried to straighten out and get a little closer to the pump. I got closer all right... I clunked it hard enough to knock the pump down and put a huge dent in the car. I spent every Saturday at that station for 6 months wiping windshields, pumping little ol' ladies' gas -- you name it -- for free to atone and, at home, I assumed extra duties as well. Did it make me more careful? Yep!

My driver's license spent 6 weeks in the police chief's wallet when I went through a stop sign and he said he'd give it back when he thought "I was ready to be more careful" but the deal was off if I complained to my parents. What I didn't know, was they already knew because he'd told them. The point of this rather lengthy post is that all the punishments I was given were offbeat:D but effective and nonphysical.

sharpeimom:paw::paw:

[Atheos]

So, Stanley . . . . . . .

How was it that the Army was able to get through to you when nothing else did? Was it just a matter of timing?

I am definitely seeing and uphill battle with ds and any other progeny of dh and me. We are both strong-willed to a fault. I just want to know what I'm in for, know what I mean?

The Army itself didn't change me.

It's the things I experienced in the Army that started the change.

[Atheos]

I lit my English Oval, inhaled DEEPLY and about died! Determined to finish it, I kept puffing and coughing until I'd finished it and that was the end of my smoking career. BTW, I missed 3 days of school. Creative but effective...

Yeah, my dad tried something similar when I was 13. He bought two packs of Camels and was going to make me smoke until I got sick. Calm down, he didn't know it was dangerous. Not abuse, just ignorance.

I refused the cigarettes pulled out mine and proceeded to smoke the pack completely in about 4.5 hours.

I was 13 and the cigarettes were filterless Lucky Strikes.

Yeah... I would've eaten your parents alive ROFL. :chuckle

My parents tried that psych thing with the shrink where they hold you down and wrap you up to make you powerless and make you give up. Don't know what it is called. Basically, it is supposed to make you give up or something.

Yeah, my parents and the shrink gave up. I was 4. My mom said I screamed that I was the boss for HOURS. It lasted about 16 hours.