alcoholism, would you help?

lee1 · Sep 8, 2004

Thank you all for you advice. I will most definitely leave it alone although it pains me to know that someone I have known for more than 1 year is doing this to himself. What about the mother???? Not contact her either again???

She knows why my daughter has left him. My daughter filled her in on the details of the last event. The mother had even told me the day before when we talked for awhile that she is afraid the son will eventually try to kill himself. He has been talking about going into the Navy and she hopes he goes as he does better in a rigid environment. He had done well at rehab and for 2 months afterward only to relapse last week.

Yes, I know my daughter needs me and I have already told her she has done the best she can and she cannot entertain the thought of being sucked in by him again. This time she found she really could not trust him either emotionally or physically.

Again, thanks all.

Lee

BadBird, BSN, RN · Sep 8, 2004

I would leave it alone, your daughter is wise to break up with him and move on with her life, I suggest you do the same.

Tweety, BSN, RN · Sep 8, 2004

I'd like to join the consensus that you didn't cause it, you can't fix it. He made his bed, he has to lie in it. Perhaps in having to help himself rather than have others do it for him will make him stronger in the end.

jemb · Sep 8, 2004

One other thing I wanted to add: Your daughter is the one you can help. By supporting her and her decision; by standing fast and helping her not to weaken in her decision; by letting her know how proud you are of her for being so wise and mature and for NOT being an enabler; for doing the only and best thing she can do for this young man she cares for.
Don't forget, that this is hard for her too. You can best help the situation by helping your daughter know that she did the absolute right thing.

Agree 100%! If you feel the need to help someone, help her! It's got to be hard on her realizing that her bf chose booze over her! Thank goodness she had the wisdom not to back down and stay with him.

SmilingBluEyes · Sep 8, 2004

Your daughter is the one who is your priority here. This person will only get help if he wants it. Stay out of it; life is tooooo short.

lee1 · Sep 8, 2004

Thanks again everyone, just hope I don't read his name in the obituaries. Of course, more important, I certainly did not want to read my daughter's name related to problems from him.

asapstat · Sep 8, 2004

I agree ...your role is to support your daughter and applaud her decision to take control of her life... promote the positive ...

rollingstone · Sep 8, 2004

Short of his own personal epiphany, or the light going on in his own brain, there's nothing you can do. Sad to watch someone self-destruct.

directcare4me · Sep 8, 2004

Thanks again everyone, just hope I don't read his name in the obituaries. Of course, more important, I certainly did not want to read my daughter's name related to problems from him.

I know, I hope you don't either. Just know that you are not alone in this, that many others are in similar situations. Al-Anon can be a great help for both you and your daughter and for his family; it is very hard, one of the hardest things, to watch someone destroy themselves.

lee1 · Sep 9, 2004

Thanks again although don't know what will help. Maybe because I worked critical care for SSOOO many years I will so terribly frustrated that I cannot participate in helping this young man. All I can seem to envision is the waste of a healthy person.

I did go to a meeting last night but again noone but one person really spoke about why they were there. Will try again.

jannecdote · Sep 9, 2004

One other thing I wanted to add: Your daughter is the one you can help. By supporting her and her decision; by standing fast and helping her not to weaken in her decision; by letting her know how proud you are of her for being so wise and mature and for NOT being an enabler; for doing the only and best thing she can do for this young man she cares for.
Don't forget, that this is hard for her too. You can best help the situation by helping your daughter know that she did the absolute right thing.

AMEN! :rotfl:

chris_at_lucas_RN, RN · Sep 9, 2004

Take your daughter, the boyfriend's mother and yourself, and go to about 6 Al-Anon meetings.

You don't go for the alcoholic, although most people start going for the alcoholic--you go for yourself.

Your daughter was attracted to him in the first place because something about him fit very well with something about her. Ditto for the mom--ten to one her son isn't the first alcoholic in their family. And the odds are pretty good there's someone who had a drinking problem in yours as well.

It doesn't matter if you never knew them. Think of systems theory: the drunk affected somebody related to somebody related to you. This is not to be contained. Living with an alcoholic is a tremendous stress and takes an incredible toll that does not stop. Even when the drunk is gone--dies, leaves, stops drinking, whatever--the effect is still there. And it gets passed on.

Al-Anon works for millions. It is unlikely that you and yours are too unusual to benefit from it. (That feeling is often referred to as "terminal uniqueness" because feeling like your situation is too special will keep you from the solution, sometimes enough to kill you.) Make no mistake--the nondrinking part of the disease is just as painful and potentially deadly.

Try Al-Anon for your sake, your daughter's sake and the mother's sake. If you don't like it, or you really are that unique, they will "refund your misery."

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Good luck to you.