alcoholism, would you help?

[lee1]

Hi all,

question for advice.

My daugher's now former boyfriend of more than 1 year has recently relapsed after spending time in a rehab for alcoholism. I know his mother is getting burnt out. I feel terrible for this young man, but don't know if I should try and help him since she has just broken up with him after repeated warnings that she would do just that if she found him drinking again.

Would you just leave it alone?

Maybe it is because I am a nurse and feel obliged to try and help?

I do not want to seem that I am enabling him either.

Lee

[lee1]

Take your daughter, the boyfriend's mother and yourself, and go to about 6 Al-Anon meetings.

You don't go for the alcoholic, although most people start going for the alcoholic--you go for yourself.

Your daughter was attracted to him in the first place because something about him fit very well with something about her. Ditto for the mom--ten to one her son isn't the first alcoholic in their family. And the odds are pretty good there's someone who had a drinking problem in yours as well.

It doesn't matter if you never knew them. Think of systems theory: the drunk affected somebody related to somebody related to you. This is not to be contained. Living with an alcoholic is a tremendous stress and takes an incredible toll that does not stop. Even when the drunk is gone--dies, leaves, stops drinking, whatever--the effect is still there. And it gets passed on.

Al-Anon works for millions. It is unlikely that you and yours are too unusual to benefit from it. (That feeling is often referred to as "terminal uniqueness" because feeling like your situation is too special will keep you from the solution, sometimes enough to kill you.) Make no mistake--the nondrinking part of the disease is just as painful and potentially deadly.

Try Al-Anon for your sake, your daughter's sake and the mother's sake. If you don't like it, or you really are that unique, they will "refund your misery."

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Good luck to you.

I am sure the mother went for many years. Not sure if she is presently going.

So you don't think it would hurt to ask??

Have given my daughter some of the literature to read.

Yes, you are right, there were many things about the boy she really liked, but this last bout with him actually ended up with her being hurt which I had never thought he would be capable of.

I wonder about the history of those who wrote the books that you read when you are at the meetings???? They are very good.

[chris_at_lucas_RN, RN]

I am sure the mother went for many years. Not sure if she is presently going. So you don't think it would hurt to ask??

Nope, in fact, she may just have not thought of it, in the middle of this crisis. We don't remember to use what we get out of the habit of using. If you ask, she may take you since she knows all about it! :)

Have given my daughter some of the literature to read.

Very good start. Now go with her to a meeting.

Yes, you are right, there were many things about the boy she really liked, but this last bout with him actually ended up with her being hurt which I had never thought he would be capable of.

This is a progressive disease. It can only get worse, without intervention. The same is true for your daughter. She will continue to be more and more in love with him (or someone very like him) until she does something different. Right now, this is what she knows.

I wonder about the history of those who wrote the books that you read when you are at the meetings???? They are very good.

Walking miracles, every one of them. Wait til you sit in your first open AA speaker meeting (and I am confident that you will). You will be overwhelmed at the miracles who surround you, each one with their own incredible "history."

Good luck, I'm glad you posted again. Please do keep in touch!