We have an appt next week with a psychiatrist to help us find out for sure if my son is ADHD. I have suspected it since he was 2 and now his 1st grade teacher suspects it too...... He has always been extremely hyperactive and hard to discipline. We have been very consistent with him over the years as to what we expect of him and what we don't tolerate. He is very aggressive and shows little remorse. Well, he does show remorse when he realizes that what he did hurt me (mom). I sometimes play up my emotions to get him to finally say he is sorry. BUT, when he thinks he hurt his mom he cries and cries. That is the other part of this. He can be very sweet and caring. He is a cuddler, but for pretty short periods. He has good manners with adults. He is wonderful for his grandparents and his aunt (when he is alone with her). His teacher says he is very respectful of her, but he has no friends b/c he can't seem to keep those manners with the kids at school....... Last night, he was filling out his Valentine's cards and he got angry. He said, "this is so stupid. Everybody hates me. They won't give me any Valentine's cards." This crushed by heart. Well, of course they will b/c at this age there parents help them. But, if we put this off much longer, maybe in a couple of years he won't get any. It hurts me so much to think he doesn't have friends. He had a note sent home from school last week saying that he hit a new girls art project out of her hand and it shattered. The teacher said the little girl asked why Kyle didn't like her. Kyle said it was b/c she doesn't like him. SHE IS BRAND NEW, SHE SHOULDN'T KNOW WHO TO LIKE OR NOT LIKE YET.....He hits his sister when he is angry. He tells us he is going to run away when we punish him. (I always try to tell him that I love him and when I punish him it isn't b/c I don't love him). The only time he ever sits still is when he is coloring/cutting/ gluing/taking apart something or if he is watching a movie he really likes or with the playstation (which I limit). ...........I am at my wits end. One of his classmates mothers whom I confided in said that she has an older son who she had some similar problems with. She said instead of punishing we should try to congradulate for the good things. Tried that all of kindergarten. We awarded him for good days at school and ignored the bad days. Not a single thing changed........OK, you are sick of reading by now......My question is, do I really want him labeled? Do meds really work? Will it help the impulsiveness w/o changing the boy inside? I know there are other options other than meds, but have we tried them (punish/award/talk).
Sorry this is so long. I really am worried about this appt next week, can you tell? :uhoh21:
Mattsmom - you made me cry! Sometimes you really cannot help but feel like you are really alone. My son is so wonderful. After going through many miscariages, and five years of infertility treatment we adopted our son. We love him so much the hard part for me is that peopledo not know how sweet and great he is - they only see him as a kid with too much energy, disruptive, loud. I just have to brag... he was in a Thanksgiving program at school. He was looking around and being disrutive through the entire thing. At the end of the program each child had to step forward and say what they were thankful for. When it was Don's turn he stepped up and said " I am thankful for all the soliders protecting out counrty." I was so proud of him. We do not have any realitives in the service. He just came up with that on his own. That's my boy!
OMG, kastas, your son sounds exactly like my 1st grade son. I haven't had my son tested, but I have read a lot about ADD and I know he has it, have known since he was probably 2 or really even before, he's just always been this way. My BIL is a psychiatrist and also casually confirmed it over Christmas 2000 Both of his teachers have suggested so much. So far, we have not had him formally tested because I don't want the label and ensuing different treatment. I sort of wished I had waited an extra year before kindergarten because I think that would have helped a little with his schoolwork (he has never been on grade level in Reading). I love his teacher this year, they are just made for each other. However, if his reading doesn't improve he won't get promoted. In that case, I will homeschool him at least until he's caught up, or maybe permanantly if it goes well. I can give him the one on one attention that he can't get in a classroom of 20 kids, to catch him up and to prevent him from hating learning, which I think is what's going to end up happening if we stay on this track. If I do that I will be able to make up less structured "unit study" types of things that will interest him (science in particular... that they basically never do in his current class- for example reading, math and science studies that are about the solar system, etc. so that he will excel in his interests and not be stymied (sp?). He has a lot of great aspects to his personality but they just don't gel with the regimented school routine. I used to be a teacher so I feel comfortable with it. I know it's not an option or desire of some families. Even if he were staying in school I wouldn't opt for the drugs. We don't even take antihistamines so amphetamines would be quite a stretch I don't know if I'll eventually change my mind or not but I prefer to work on it in different ways at least for now. He does the same thing about classmates not liking him also (although I volunteer about once a week and haven't seen any evidence of it, probably different when I'm not there, I need to ask teacher). I'm not sure if he has ever sat through an entire movie or TV show for that matter. He does Playstation (which believe it or not I give alot of credit to for improving his small motor skills and coordination!!! Nothing else was motivating enough for him (handwriting, play doh, scissors, etc.) but even the Playstation he probably wouldn't do more than 30 minutes (not that I want him to, just an example). OMG... and talk about wired, can we say BEDtime??!! Tosses and turns like a maniac for probably at least an hour every night (quite often more) before settling down to sleep... and it's not because bed time is too early or too late, he's just wired. We have tried soccer three seasons and he canNOT focus long enough to do it, last time was the last chance so we are still looking for an appropriate sport or extracurricular activity. I think it may be backyard wrestling (kidding!) (although I think regular wrestling may be good and I think they start young in my town). I called about football and they said that it was flag at this age, I was like hell forget that, he wants the contact, LOL. I used to be super judgemental when I saw kids acting out like him but now that I'm here doing it myself I really know that it's not necessarily the parents' faults. At the same time I still have to remind myself of that or I beat myself up too much. I still lapse into "what have we done to make him this way??!!" Unlike your son, my son's behavior is fairly consistent no matter who he's with, given an equal situation. Like your son, mine is very caring, as a matter of fact that is one of his strongest traits. I have three boys and the second one is a total opposite human being (very mellow and easy but not super caring/compassionate like #1), number three we are still deciding about his temperment Someone who has three told me that you discover that there exists a "third opposite". My ADD son has me at my wits end but I'm trying to learn to do my best and continue to be consistant but after that let it go and not give myself a stroke over it. I have to tell him, when he freaks out over getting in trouble and getting a consequence, "you know that it's our job to teach you how to behave. We wouldn't be very good parents if we didn't care about teaching you things, right?", etc. When I put it that way, like it's our job (i.e. our purpose, no choice in the matter) it does usually bring him around a little. Since he has a card system for discipline at school (i.e. green, yellow-warning, red-trouble), we adopted the same thing at home except ours is more of a sliding scale with more steps within each color zone. My husband got a piece of a vertical blind and painted green, yellow and red zones with velcro strips down them, and each child has a coin with their initial on it that we can velcro to the appropriate color level. The base or starting level is the bottom of the green (toward yellow), if they do something really nice or are being really good, they can move UP and get a reward, and vice versa for down to yellow and red. On yellow, they lose treats/desserts, bikes, etc. and on red they lose the things they value most: Playstation, fort, etc. If they fool around at bedtime, they lose it for the next day. It's easy, direct, visible, etc. At school they move their own cards, here ours is hung high on the wall because the two year old would have a heyday with it. I have always read that most methods will work, but you have to pick one and stay with it, so we're doing that. I had two foster boys before I had my own, and I read lots of discipline books. They have tons of ideas, but the one thing none of them tells you is that you have to do it literally 500 zillion times before a lesson sinks in. I had those foster boys almost two years and they were just finally starting to get the hang of some rules. Sigh. Did you know that one study found that women who have boys actually die earlier than others????!!!! Duh, I guess you probably already knew that. Good luck and try to keep your chin up. Feel free to pm me if you feel like commiserating!!
Hargrove, Mattsmom, Mitchsmom--OMG! I cried, bawled, and laughed though these last few posts. Thank you so much.......Mitchsmom, are our boys twin-souls or what? My DH had to come read over my shoulder b/c I kept saying "oh my god" and laughing and crying. He just said, "wow, sounds like Kyle". He is also the oldest of 3, but middle one is a girl. Reading and sleep! 2 MAJOR problems around here. I try so hard to complement him over and over on his reading. I want him to enjoy it. He hates it right now. I just got an email from his teacher this afternoon (after posting message) talking about several things. One of the things she mentioned was that he did really well with his reading today. She said he CAN read and seems to enjoy it "on his good days". But, on other days he can't seem to get the most simple word. I don't think he knows 1/4 of his sight words even though we have been working on them for 2 years now. And sleep? Ahhhhhh....I want to pull my hair out at night. I have pushed the getting ready for bed time back to 7:30p. Bath, teeth, pj's, book and prayers, kiss good night and tucked in all by 8:15p. He will still be awake at 10:30 most nights. I've tried closing his door, made him change rooms with his sister to get the quieter room, darkened his window, given him a nightlight (bad bad idea b/c when we did this he decided to give his sis a haircut. No one knew till morning). Now we just get upset. I don't have any idea how to change that. I know one big prob is that I work nights. So, 3 nights a week Dad does the bed thing. I think more yelling goes on than routine. Why doesn't he get it?...........Ok enough rambling....PS- I like the colored chart idea. That may be an option around here. The youngest is only 14 months, so we may leave him off of it for now.
Thank you everyone. I am so glad I found this board. I think I have said that more than once.
Hang in there Moms!! My ADHD boy quit high school, got his GED (at my insistence) and now is in junior college...the life lessons continue but he is also a good guy and I give him all the love and support he can take from me...LOL!
ADHD kids get lots of negative feedback from people in society who don't understand, just think they're choosing to misbehave and be a pain....so I tried to enlist the help of other adult leaders: his coaches and favorite teachers and scout leaders, our minister and sunday school teachers, etc. whenever I could, so he would feel some adult support. We also found sports a very needed outlet for his energy...also music and performance as he got older. :)
Other kids can tend to make ADHD kids the scapegoats. Finding something they are really good at helps gain them some respect from classmates.
Hugs to all here...my ADHD boy is now a young adult so we are trying to help him adapt to adult life at college now...it's an ongoing labor of love but I soooo remember when he was small and can relate to ALL your stories.
:) My son was also diagnosed with ADHD. He has been on meds since he was 11 and is now 13. What a blessing the meds have been. He is a super sweet kid with a great big heart. I was very scared thinking about putting him on medication. He is doing well in school with a little extra help from myself and is an awesome artist and trumpet player! I will keep you all in my prayers
Specializes in RETIRED Cath Lab/Cardiology/Radiology.
Please do whatever it takes to help your child be who he is. It's sad that so many of our children have trouble in the school system, a system that is NOT designed or staffed, nor is staff trained (for the most part) to individualize learning according to each child's learning strengths and coping skills. I'm so glad to read of successes of these courageous families and children -- yes, courageous. We went through it too: counseling, special classes for child and family, behavior mod, temperament classes, and finally medication. In the second grade, his self esteem was declining; he was starting to accept that being "in trouble" was a normal thing for him! So sad! I read and read and read . . .
He is 12, going on 13 now. Still on small dose of meds. Doing great academically, has friends -- still says "I hate piano, when can I stop taking it," although he is VERY talented at it. No one ever said parenting was easy.
You must find the right way for YOUR family and child. Thanks to all for the good suggestions and support here.
As our pediatrician (who made ADD his special study, after his son was diagnosed) told me, "There IS light at the end of the tunnel." I can't tell you how many times I have been comforted by that sentence, and especially after I have seen that light while traveling through the tunnel.
Specializes in RETIRED Cath Lab/Cardiology/Radiology.
Addendum to the above: Also check into Sensory Integration Deficit Syndrome (I think that's the phrase), which requires an eval by PT, and treatment by a PT specially trained in it. :)
Well, if nothing else- we've all found that we're definately not alone. We have our own little support group right here! No matter what each of is is going through or dealing with- I hope all of you who are just getting into dealing with an ADHD dx realize that life can be normal.
My son was dx with ADHD in the first grade. He is now in the seventh. He was VERY impulsive-when he got older, he explained it as having an itch and scratching (you never think about that-just do it). Like hitting, running around the house,yelling out for no reason other than to make noise, etc..Without the meds-he can't sit still for two seconds, always moving/fidgiting/wiggling/tapping his fingers or toes. He can't follow two part directions like, "Go upstairs and get a sweater"-he goes upstairs, but forgets what he was suppose to get, or gets distracted and into something else. At school-he would bring home papers for homework-but forget the book he needed. He is quick to get mad-is almost always rude with a reply when you tell him/ask him something. Every emotion is to the extreme-anger, sadness. He would bring home schoolwork and we couldn't read a single word he wrote because his handwritting was so bad. When we first started the meds- it was an AM thing only. You could literally take papers he had done in the morning and compare them to ones he had done in the PM-and it literally looked like two different kids had done them- the handwritting was different (legible/illegiable, the answers were more thought out/ short and off topic).
Back when this all first came up, I was very lucky to have great resources. I worked with a Specail ED Speech therapist who was a wealth of knowledge. She told me exactly what to say to the school to get them do intervine. The evaluation is called a Multifactored evaulation. The school Pshycologist looks at all aspects of the childs day-talks with each teacher and observes every aspect of how well they interact with others, how well are they processing the information they are given, etc... It showed if his problems were actually causing a learning disability (multiple tests including IQ and several that showed how he learned such as if he was a visual learning, his reasoning skills, his processing ability, etc.) From that, we (the School and I) sat down and made an 504 plan (IEP plan if a learning disability is found) to address ways that we could help manage his problem areas. In my son's case- he scored very highly on everything- but showed a very high distraction level (no shock to me). So we sit him close to the teacher, near the front of the class away from doors or windows. That way he has less of a chance of distraction between what the teacher is saying and when he is hearing it. He had a "homework" buddy- that was actually just the kid sitting next to him in any particular class that would make sure he wrote down the homework assignments. He will never be graded on his handwritting (had one teacher that refused to grade his work because she couldn't read it easily- it was a LONG year) Little accomidations that we can do to help make it easier for him to learn. It has made quite a difference. He has alot more confidence now. The 504 plan is modified each year- and I am VERY involved in his schooling. I am his advocate, as the school will only do as much as they are forced to do.
As for the meds- they helped to bring out the real child that we all knew was in there. He says that they help him to slow down and do things right. He once told me that it's the world that moves to slow- he's just fine. Everything to him was too slow- and he couldn't force himself to slow down enough to keep up. Like a train of thoughts in his head that he just couldn't grab onto. The meds help him to be able to focus on one thing-verses twelve. He can sit still, fight his impuses and accomplish each task completely now. He is happier-as he's not getting yelled at all the time, and he's less likely to blow up at you when he gets mad. He can control himself physically, mentally and emotionally.
Dealing with him off his meds is exhausting-no matter what type of discipline you favor. He's a normal kid now-in his own mind-and from all outward appearences. He is so much happier. He has lots of friends-and goes to thier houses now without fear of how their parents will react to him if he does something wrong. As this has been something we've dealt with for years now-his friends all know about it, see the difference in him-and accept it. To them- it's just how he is. But he HAS friends-which is the point I want to make. He can go to their houses and spend the night (I always talk to the parents and have them give his meds in the AM) As he's gotten older- he has adjusted. We all have. The only bad thing is that I am constantly struggling with the crutch of his meds. If he, for whatever reason, doesn't get it that morning- he will undoubtably at some point in the day say, "It's because I didn't get my pill today.", usually as he's getting introuble for something. I would love to think that one day he won't need it anymore-but I find it very hard to see that ever happening. He just can't seem to control himself, by himself. It just doesn't seem to be possible. Even now- after all these years- he reverts right back to same type of things any time he doesn't get his meds. But- I'm hopeful. Well worry about that down the road. I'm just so glad to have my son standing in the sunshine verses the darkness all the time.
Good luck to all of you who are going through this. Have faith.
Thank you all for the great support. I always feel like we are the only one's that have this problem. I also feel like I am the only one who cares. I am having to force his dad to go with me to the appt this week. I wonder how many mom's I have sat next to at basketball or baseball games that are dealing with the same things.
I totally can see why the impulsiveness is like "having an itch and scratching (you never think about that-just do it)." That is EXACTLY Kyle! For at least 4 of the last 6 years I have asked him why he does things. Why can't he stop and think about it first? His standard answer is "I don't know". No matter how many times you ask or how angry you get he keeps saying, "I don't know". Now, do I quit asking? Do I let it be until we get him on meds? I feel like the inappropriateness (sp?) at school needs to be acknowledged.
I feel as ansy as he does. I can't wait for this appt on Thurs, but I don't want it to come. Make sense? :uhoh21:
The principal is working on a 504 plan (thanks for giving me a name for that, she had mentioned it early on but I had not retained it) with the public school district for us. She said she will follow up with me this week. It will be nice to get the school, doctors and dad (DH) involved all at the same time.
I wish you well. My brother was diagnosed many years ago with the 'minimal brain dysfunction' problem (what they called it then). No help for it then really. The doctor tried the then current drug therapy briefly but it caused my brother to have a grand mal seizure within days...phenobarb/Dilantin...I can't remember which...I was only a kid myself...it was the seventies. Anyway, then she did an EEG both while he was awake which was normal, and while he was asleep which showed that he was having seizure activity in his sleep which she said would affect his waking behavior negatively. So, he had a complicated picture...both epilepsy in his sleep and what we now call ADHD. He also tested repeatedly as having a very high IQ which further complicated the whole picture. He was difficult to manage throughout childhood and there were no drugs to help him then...the Dilantin/ phenobarb which she had hoped would sedate his central nervous system thereby slowing him down a tad instead caused him to actually lower his seizure threshold and seize so my family was on their own to cope with him.
Long story short the doctor predicted his case correctly...she said he would grow up and outgrow his case of what she called a mild form of 'minimal brain dysfunction' and would eventually mature into adulthood. He did. He is married, and just finished college,double major math and computer science, owns a beautiful house and now has a beautiful child.
My nephew has recently been put on Concerta for ADHD and my sister says that it has definitely helped him concentrate. He is in middle school and is very bright but is having a hard time socially as did my brother as a child. My sister has him in a number of sports which he wants to be involved in...it is a hard thing to watch a child struggle socially.
My point in replying to you is to let you know know that like all the other postings are telling you, you are not alone...don't hesitate to seek help and don't be afraid of medication if it is recommended...it may help.Children with this problem are a huge challenge to the family system. I hope your child gets the help he needs.
LOL, just thinking about the sports thing that "he wants to be involved in". Kyle LOVES sports, ie. basketball (favorite), baseball, soccer (we limit b/c he also has asthma), gymnastics, etc. He is sooooo uncoordinated and of course very impulsive and easily distracted. 1st grade boys are already becoming very competitive and he just doesn't get the gist of any of these games. He is always swinging his arms like a monkey on the basketball court or sitting in the grass playing with the worms/ladybugs/mud/grass in the outfield of baseball. B/c he doesn't easily make friends on the team this way I have asked him if he wants to stop playing. I don't want to be forcing it. He said, "Mom, I LOVE basketball. Why would I want to stop?". Enough said.
Both of his teachers have suggested so much. So far, we have not had him formally tested because I don't want the label and ensuing different treatment. I sort of wished I had waited an extra year before kindergarten because I think that would have helped a little with his schoolwork (he has never been on grade level in Reading). I love his teacher this year, they are just made for each other. However, if his reading doesn't improve he won't get promoted. In that case, I will homeschool him at least until he's caught up, or maybe permanantly if it goes well. I can give him the one on one attention that he can't get in a classroom of 20 kids, to catch him up and to prevent him from hating learning, which I think is what's going to end up happening if we stay on this track. If I do that I will be able to make up less structured "unit study" types of things that will interest him (science in particular... that they basically never do in his current class- for example reading, math and science studies that are about the solar system, etc. so that he will excel in his interests and not be stymied (sp?). He has a lot of great aspects to his personality but they just don't gel with the regimented school routine. I used to be a teacher so I feel comfortable with it. I know it's not an option or desire of some families. Even if he were staying in school I wouldn't opt for the drugs. We don't even take antihistamines so amphetamines would be quite a stretch 
tylerlvn
97 Posts
Mattsmom - you made me cry! Sometimes you really cannot help but feel like you are really alone. My son is so wonderful. After going through many miscariages, and five years of infertility treatment we adopted our son. We love him so much the hard part for me is that peopledo not know how sweet and great he is - they only see him as a kid with too much energy, disruptive, loud. I just have to brag... he was in a Thanksgiving program at school. He was looking around and being disrutive through the entire thing. At the end of the program each child had to step forward and say what they were thankful for. When it was Don's turn he stepped up and said " I am thankful for all the soliders protecting out counrty." I was so proud of him. We do not have any realitives in the service. He just came up with that on his own. That's my boy!