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abusive relationship/advice

I am in a mentally abusive relationship. I am 22, have 2 kids and i'm trying to make it through school. It is getting so tough. I don't know where to begin telling you how awful he is. He is very short tempered. Sometimes he will scream at our babies when they are "getting on his nerves". He constantly tries to control me. Always asks me questions, will look at all the places i've been looking at on the internet, smells my breath when I get home from school at night, asks me what we talked about in class as if quizzing me to make sure I was really there. He is awful. He has NO reason to do these things to me I have never done him wrong infact, he has done me wrong many many times. Cheated on me when I was pregnant I know of 3 different girls and those are just the ones i found out about, who knows how many more. And I say girls because they were all around 15. He is 25. He is disgusting. He also smokes pot and the only reason I haven't made him quit is because he is so much worse when he doesn't have it. I am sorry I am posting this on here but I need advice, no one in my family wants to talk to me about it because they don't know what to tell me. I never wanted to get a divorce because I wanted to be one of the few couples who stay together because I was 3 when my parents divorced and I was so saddened by that. I can't stand the thought of my children feeling like I did. I want him to get help but he is so unwilling. I have mentioned us going to church but he tells me his opinions of it and tries to make me feel like he does. I was raised catholic, but I am ridiculed by him if I try to talk about my beliefs he puts down the church. That is just an example, he also did this over my friends, which I don't have anymore. Anyone I look at when we are out he will make a joke about them. He is so evil.

has anyone been here? what did you do? Is there any helping him?

It is a lot easier for me to stay with him until I get out of school and am on my feet. What do you think about this?

babynurselsa, RN

Specializes in ER, NICU, NSY and some other stuff.

What do you want to be told?

I do not want to sound harsh, but I am afraid that it is unavoidable. You are married to a hateful pot-smoking PEDOPHILE.

You know WHAT you should do, but it is up to you to do what is right.

Do you have daughters? How safe are they gonna be ina few years or even now?????

Do you think it is going to be healthier for your kids for their parents to be together in these situations??????

You need to seek professional counseling.

Good luck

I understand what you are saying but I am so scared to do this because it is going to be ugly. He will do whatever he can to make my life miserable. he will fight and fight to have complete custody to do accomplish his goal of ruining my life I HATE to put my boys through that. I want him to get help and I was asking if anyone though that was possible.

HappyJaxRN

Specializes in Transplant, homecare, hospice.

I know it's hard to leave. Remember what's important for you and your kids. Do you have any family or friends that can help you out? Contact your church (whichever one you plan on attending) and ask them for assistance. They can usually help you find a safe haven. If I were you, I would start going back to church with or without him, if you can. I'm not a church kind of person, but I think that they may be able to help out. If not, then there should be other domestic abuse shelters in your city or near by. The one in our city is anonymous and houses the women while they are going through their divorce and whatnot.

This is an unsafe relationship for you and especially for your kids. They may not understand it right now, but when they can, they will appreciate not having to put up with his abuse anymore.

It's a huge step, but you have to do it if you want to escape this horrible cycle of abuse.

Don't feel bad typing your message or call for help here. This is a great forum. Good luck and keep us posted.

It is a lot easier for me to stay with him until I get out of school and am on my feet. What do you think about this?

This is easier??? I can't imagine what harder is. What are you getting out of this relationship other than misery and pain? Someone you describe as "evil" has no business being around you or your children, for any reason.

I've been raising my child alone for almost 16 years. It is not easy. It is incredibly hard. But it really does get easier over time, if you are strong and know where you want to be.

As the previous poster said, you already know what you need to do. You will get through this, if you make the right choice now. If you don't do what you have to for yourself and your babies, you will regret it. Always.

Get. Out. Now.

Here is a thread that may help give you insight and encouragement to do what you know you need to: (I have been there, and I feel for you-----I really do)

https://allnurses.com/forums/f8/please-help-me-understand-domestic-violence-question-130459.html

It's a long thread and some people dont' understand how it happens to us----so be aware some opinions there may not be helpful to you----but I want you to see you are NOT alone and it's NOT YOUR FAULT. Many of us have been there----endured what you are now and have gotten through it and moved on to a better life. You can too. You so deserve it. I wish you well.

My heart goes out to you -- I've been there. It is not easy to leave, but you MUST for the sake of your children and your own mental health. It will not get better -- it will get worse. I honestly don't know how you can survive in nursing school with this going on at home. I disagree with the previous post though about him being a pedophile -- because someone is abusive doesn't make him a pedophile! My ex-husband was very controlling and abusive, but he was NOT a pedophile!

You are going to need to get help. By leaving him you may enrage him even more and place your children and yourself at an even greater risk. Do you have access to counselors at the school you are attending? If you do, go see one as soon as possible. Find out who you can turn to in your community for help -- there are services out there for women who are victims of domestic violence. And there are homes for battered women -- you may need to stay in one initially for your own protection.

Have a plan before you get out, otherwise if you leave without resources and a safe place to go, it is too tempting to return. He may tell you how sorry he is and that he will change, but once you are back, it will be the same. He can get help if he wants it and there are programs for abusers, but it takes time and committment to change. Take care of yourself and your children first!

Hang in there and be brave. Remember you are worth being loved -- what he is giving you and your children is not love!

also don't discount your Church----maybe you can ask there/ask your Priest for help!

You need to get out. Now. If you can't do it for yourself, at least do if for your kids. Divorce is ugly, yes, but much better than letting your kids be emotionally damaged every day by this creep. He is not interested in changing the way he is. He doesn't see a problem with his behavior. The best thing you can do with these kind of people is get them out of your life before they ruin it.

Anyone who is 25 and having an "affair" with a 15 year old is what, if not a peophile?

She called him a pedophile because I mentioned that he cheated on me with 15 year olds. He was actually 21 at the time, which doesn't make it any better but that is what she was saying.

I keep thinking this over in my mind.. and I keep catching myself making excuses for him "well he only does that SOMEtimes.. I don't think he's cheated on me since 3 years ago.. He's older now and not that stupid.. He doesn't smoke THAT much" What am I doing?? I am trying to make it not sound so bad to myself like I've been doing for years I need to get the strength to see him as a bad person that he is. And when I try to tell him all the things he does he confuses me. he so good at that. He makes me believe I am making things up. Sometimes I actually get so confused by it all that I wonder. He is so manipulative.

I know I WANT to be happier, believe me I do. I just need to hear it from people who know what I am talking about because as I said before, my family wont talk to me about. My mom has actually told me to stick it out. She has no idea.

I don't know how it is in the Catholic church, but the advice I received from the pastor of the church I was attending was to stay. Although he meant well, it was dangerous advice and caused tremendous inner conflict. Perhaps the priests in the Catholic church have a better understanding of the cycle of abuse. If you do get the counsel to stay from someone at your church -- find counsel elsewhere! There are christians who do understand and will give you wise counsel -- find them!

Oh my goodness . . .

I have never gone through what you are going through, but I know a lot about programs and services that are out there to help people in your shoes -and there are many of them!

First off, you say that you do not want to get a divorce, that you want to make it etc, but I think it is obvious that continuing to live with this man is endangering you and your children. You say that you are Catholic, and from what you have posted I believe that you will be able to get an annullment from the church. Remember, you are not the one who 'failed' here, he is. I encourage you to gather all your resources and make the move to sever ties as fast as possible. Talk with a counselor at your school. They should be able to steer you in the right direction. You are very young and you have many years to put this gloomy part of your life behind you. I don't think you have to worry about your husband getting custody of your children. If he tests positive for a drug screen it will not happen. If there is evidence that he had sex with a fifteen year old (underage) it will definately not happen because he will be listed as a sex offender.

Please, please, please seek help. There are many wonderful, free of charge organizations out there. I know this is going to be very very hard to do because it means moving out of your comfort zone, but right now staying in your comfort zone could result in your life or one of your boys. I am not being to dramatic in saying that either. The violent behavior that your husband now displays is only a pre-cursor of things that could be yet to come.

Good luck and God Bless!

Wondergirl0905

Specializes in med-surg.

You need to do whatever is best for you and your children. No one else can tell you what to do. Talking to a domestic violence agency can be helpful. They have the training to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships. They understand the millions of reasons why people stay in these relationships. They can listen and give support to the decisions you make for yourself. You can call the national DV hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also go online to http://www.nnedv.org or http://www.ncadv.org/. You can find your local agency by going online to http://www.ncadv.org/resources/StateCoalitionList_73.html. This link provides contact info for all the individual state coaltions, which can then give you info about your local agency. I would suggest doing this at a computer that he does not have access to, since it appears he monitors everything you do.

No one deserves to be abused, whatever its form, or live in fear.

Anyone who is 25 and having an "affair" with a 15 year old is what, if not a peophile?

depends on state statutes. BY MY standard, this is a disgusting person no matter what the law said, and if my kid, I would be calling the police.

And when I try to tell him all the things he does he confuses me. he so good at that. He makes me believe I am making things up. Sometimes I actually get so confused by it all that I wonder. He is so manipulative.

I used to get the same thing -- I had a counselor who told me that is called "mind-f_ _ _ ing". (And she was a christian counselor -- I found good counsel!)

My mom has actually told me to stick it out. She has no idea.

After the first big blow-out with my ex (he had torn up pictures, broken things and thrown my Bible through the front window), I was terrified and left to stay with a girlfriend. My Mom told me to go home and bake him some cookies. I did end up going home -- many times. My Mom finally witnessed his anger one day and did a total turn-around and told me to "Get out". She told me later when I was finally out of there, she used to fear for my life after seeing his explosive anger.

Sometimes the people closest to you mean well and want what they think is best for you because they love you. But they don't understand what is going on -- that is why you have to find counsel from people who understand domestic violence and they cycle of abuse.

Yes, remember: Violence often starts out sutble. It begins with control issues, often---just like the ones you describe. And yelling at kids for no reason is violence. If you are not out to save yourself, PLEASE SAVE YOUR KIDS---what you do next could have a lot of impact on how things turn out for them later. It will not be easy, but you have to get out.

How do I prove everything he has done? He's not going to admit it. He wont even admit it to himself. The only thing I could do is have him drug tested, but if we are going through a divorce he's smart enough to quit for that time. I know the name of one of the girls he had an affair with, but I have never talked to her and is that fair to bring her into it? It wasn't her fault. And still, how would they prove it?

When I was 27, I got pregnant after trying for five years. My husband left me, because he decided that he didn't want the baby. My mother had to convince him to come back. He sulked during the entire pregnancy. A year later, I planned a big birthday party for our son's first birthday. He went skiing for the day. He never supported me emotionally or financially. I worked and brought up our children while he ignored me and did his own thing. I would notice him constantly flirting with other women, and I ignored it-being too dumb to ever think he was cheating on me. Emotionally, I kept getting weaker and weaker. After 32 years together, we divorced a few years ago. I should have left him the first time he walked out on me, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT HIS OWN CHILD. Towards the end, I let him emotionally abuse me and cheat on me, and I stayed with him, because of the children and because I was AFRAID. I ended up having a nervous breakdown from constant lying, emotional abuse, and cheating. It took a private investigator for me to finally see the light-that he was sleeping with me and another woman at the same time. I got VERY VERY ill from the severe emotional abuse . I can't tell you what to do. But I just wanted to share my story. Sustained emotional abuse can make a person become ill . You need to be well to care of your children. I think you know what you need to do. Ask your family for help please. I am now remarried to a caring loving person, and I have come to realize that my choice to stay in my other relationship was not a good one.

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