abusive relationship/advice

blaaveispiken · Nov 25, 2005

I don't know how it is in the Catholic church, but the advice I received from the pastor of the church I was attending was to stay. Although he meant well, it was dangerous advice and caused tremendous inner conflict. Perhaps the priests in the Catholic church have a better understanding of the cycle of abuse. If you do get the counsel to stay from someone at your church -- find counsel elsewhere! There are christians who do understand and will give you wise counsel -- find them!

cjog · Nov 25, 2005

Oh my goodness . . .

I have never gone through what you are going through, but I know a lot about programs and services that are out there to help people in your shoes -and there are many of them!

First off, you say that you do not want to get a divorce, that you want to make it etc, but I think it is obvious that continuing to live with this man is endangering you and your children. You say that you are Catholic, and from what you have posted I believe that you will be able to get an annullment from the church. Remember, you are not the one who 'failed' here, he is. I encourage you to gather all your resources and make the move to sever ties as fast as possible. Talk with a counselor at your school. They should be able to steer you in the right direction. You are very young and you have many years to put this gloomy part of your life behind you. I don't think you have to worry about your husband getting custody of your children. If he tests positive for a drug screen it will not happen. If there is evidence that he had sex with a fifteen year old (underage) it will definately not happen because he will be listed as a sex offender.

Please, please, please seek help. There are many wonderful, free of charge organizations out there. I know this is going to be very very hard to do because it means moving out of your comfort zone, but right now staying in your comfort zone could result in your life or one of your boys. I am not being to dramatic in saying that either. The violent behavior that your husband now displays is only a pre-cursor of things that could be yet to come.

Good luck and God Bless!

Wondergirl0905 · Nov 25, 2005

You need to do whatever is best for you and your children. No one else can tell you what to do. Talking to a domestic violence agency can be helpful. They have the training to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships. They understand the millions of reasons why people stay in these relationships. They can listen and give support to the decisions you make for yourself. You can call the national DV hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also go online to http://www.nnedv.org or http://www.ncadv.org/. You can find your local agency by going online to http://www.ncadv.org/resources/StateCoalitionList_73.html. This link provides contact info for all the individual state coaltions, which can then give you info about your local agency. I would suggest doing this at a computer that he does not have access to, since it appears he monitors everything you do.

No one deserves to be abused, whatever its form, or live in fear.

SmilingBluEyes · Nov 25, 2005

Anyone who is 25 and having an "affair" with a 15 year old is what, if not a peophile?

depends on state statutes. BY MY standard, this is a disgusting person no matter what the law said, and if my kid, I would be calling the police.

blaaveispiken · Nov 25, 2005

And when I try to tell him all the things he does he confuses me. he so good at that. He makes me believe I am making things up. Sometimes I actually get so confused by it all that I wonder. He is so manipulative.

I used to get the same thing -- I had a counselor who told me that is called "mind-f_ _ _ ing". (And she was a christian counselor -- I found good counsel!)

My mom has actually told me to stick it out. She has no idea.

After the first big blow-out with my ex (he had torn up pictures, broken things and thrown my Bible through the front window), I was terrified and left to stay with a girlfriend. My Mom told me to go home and bake him some cookies. I did end up going home -- many times. My Mom finally witnessed his anger one day and did a total turn-around and told me to "Get out". She told me later when I was finally out of there, she used to fear for my life after seeing his explosive anger.

Sometimes the people closest to you mean well and want what they think is best for you because they love you. But they don't understand what is going on -- that is why you have to find counsel from people who understand domestic violence and they cycle of abuse.

SmilingBluEyes · Nov 25, 2005

Yes, remember: Violence often starts out sutble. It begins with control issues, often---just like the ones you describe. And yelling at kids for no reason is violence. If you are not out to save yourself, PLEASE SAVE YOUR KIDS---what you do next could have a lot of impact on how things turn out for them later. It will not be easy, but you have to get out.

OURN83 · Nov 25, 2005

How do I prove everything he has done? He's not going to admit it. He wont even admit it to himself. The only thing I could do is have him drug tested, but if we are going through a divorce he's smart enough to quit for that time. I know the name of one of the girls he had an affair with, but I have never talked to her and is that fair to bring her into it? It wasn't her fault. And still, how would they prove it?

krisssy · Nov 25, 2005

When I was 27, I got pregnant after trying for five years. My husband left me, because he decided that he didn't want the baby. My mother had to convince him to come back. He sulked during the entire pregnancy. A year later, I planned a big birthday party for our son's first birthday. He went skiing for the day. He never supported me emotionally or financially. I worked and brought up our children while he ignored me and did his own thing. I would notice him constantly flirting with other women, and I ignored it-being too dumb to ever think he was cheating on me. Emotionally, I kept getting weaker and weaker. After 32 years together, we divorced a few years ago. I should have left him the first time he walked out on me, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT HIS OWN CHILD. Towards the end, I let him emotionally abuse me and cheat on me, and I stayed with him, because of the children and because I was AFRAID. I ended up having a nervous breakdown from constant lying, emotional abuse, and cheating. It took a private investigator for me to finally see the light-that he was sleeping with me and another woman at the same time. I got VERY VERY ill from the severe emotional abuse . I can't tell you what to do. But I just wanted to share my story. Sustained emotional abuse can make a person become ill . You need to be well to care of your children. I think you know what you need to do. Ask your family for help please. I am now remarried to a caring loving person, and I have come to realize that my choice to stay in my other relationship was not a good one.

babynurselsa, RN · Nov 25, 2005

OU I just want to let you know I do understand where you are coming from. I lived in a similar relationship for 15 YEARS. My ex husband was never physically hurt me, but he tore me down day by day and piece by piece until I was at a place where I considered taking my own life. I would drive home from work and think about how easy it would be to just drive off into the river and to me that seemed preferable to going home.

He was mistrustful of me from the day we married. I was accused of having affairs with ANY male I came into contact with. When I was 7 months pregnant with my first child he nearly threw me out of the house for returning a pair of pants to a coworker tht my brother had borrowed. Then he went through my purse and found a "love note" and threatened to boot me out when I was 8 months pregnant. It was from a 7 year old I had babysat since he was an infant. He isolated me from friends until they all became alienated and weren't around anymore. He constantly belittled me and made sure I understood how worthless I was and always told me how I would be no better than a piece of excrement in the gutter if it wasn't for him.

If you hear these things lond enough you come to believe them.

Around others he was a real nice guy. He would do anything for ANYONE else. If it was me it was an imposition. I remember how angry he would get if I would have a break down and he would need to come and render aid. Once he found a man and his children broken down along the road and DROVE THEM 50 MILES HOME and even refused to let the man pay him for the gas. Now yes this is kind and admirable but what about the folks he professess to LOVE?!?!?!

When I went back to get my GED, I did it in secret for about 2 months until I got the nerve to tell him. When I graduated he refused to attend. He mocked and belittled me all the way through nursing school. When I graduated and went to work I could not so much as mention having a conversation with a male coworker and I must be having sex with them.

Looking back now I do not know where I finally mustered the nerve to go back and get my education, but I am glad I did.

So yess I do understand your quandry. What I want to encourage you is to get out. Do not stay in this toxic enviroment. Stop trying to convince yourself that things aren't as bad as they are. They are. Your children are being poisoned by this exposure.

THere is help out there. take it. In the end you will be glad you did.

OURN83 · Nov 25, 2005

Oh my gosh I think I've married your ex-husbands long lost brother.

What makes them treat us like that? And he is exactly that way to others, so nice and would be the bestest friend to anyone but me. Thats what makes it even harder for people who know him to understand/believe me. he puts up a huge front. I am going to take everyones advice. first I want to get counseling because he needs to hear it from another person that he is very wrong and abusing me. i don't expect this to change him so maybe i would be wasting my time. but yes I WILL NOT live like this. I and especially my kids don't deserve it. I just need to seriously come up with a plan on the steps i'm going to take to successly get out of this. thank you for all your advice.

Cute_CNA, CNA · Nov 25, 2005

I am in a mentally abusive relationship. I am 22, have 2 kids and i'm trying to make it through school. It is getting so tough. I don't know where to begin telling you how awful he is. He is very short tempered. Sometimes he will scream at our babies when they are "getting on his nerves". He constantly tries to control me. Always asks me questions, will look at all the places i've been looking at on the internet, smells my breath when I get home from school at night, asks me what we talked about in class as if quizzing me to make sure I was really there. He is awful. He has NO reason to do these things to me I have never done him wrong infact, he has done me wrong many many times. Cheated on me when I was pregnant I know of 3 different girls and those are just the ones i found out about, who knows how many more. And I say girls because they were all around 15. He is 25. He is disgusting. He also smokes pot and the only reason I haven't made him quit is because he is so much worse when he doesn't have it. I am sorry I am posting this on here but I need advice, no one in my family wants to talk to me about it because they don't know what to tell me. I never wanted to get a divorce because I wanted to be one of the few couples who stay together because I was 3 when my parents divorced and I was so saddened by that. I can't stand the thought of my children feeling like I did. I want him to get help but he is so unwilling. I have mentioned us going to church but he tells me his opinions of it and tries to make me feel like he does. I was raised catholic, but I am ridiculed by him if I try to talk about my beliefs he puts down the church. That is just an example, he also did this over my friends, which I don't have anymore. Anyone I look at when we are out he will make a joke about them. He is so evil.
has anyone been here? what did you do? Is there any helping him?
It is a lot easier for me to stay with him until I get out of school and am on my feet. What do you think about this?

Haven't read the other responses yet...

I'm sure that was painful for you.

But what is more painful, sticking out the relationship and have him continue to be abusive to yourself AND your children, or to get a divorce? Think about it, what is more painful in the long run?

And I'm sorry, but to save you time, you must realize you can't change him. Can't.

Cute_CNA, CNA · Nov 25, 2005

When I was 27, I got pregnant after trying for five years. My husband left me, because he decided that he didn't want the baby. My mother had to convince him to come back. He sulked during the entire pregnancy. A year later, I planned a big birthday party for our son's first birthday. He went skiing for the day. He never supported me emotionally or financially. I worked and brought up our children while he ignored me and did his own thing. I would notice him constantly flirting with other women, and I ignored it-being too dumb to ever think he was cheating on me. Emotionally, I kept getting weaker and weaker. After 32 years together, we divorced a few years ago. I should have left him the first time he walked out on me, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT HIS OWN CHILD. Towards the end, I let him emotionally abuse me and cheat on me, and I stayed with him, because of the children and because I was AFRAID. I ended up having a nervous breakdown from constant lying, emotional abuse, and cheating. It took a private investigator for me to finally see the light-that he was sleeping with me and another woman at the same time. I got VERY VERY ill from the severe emotional abuse . I can't tell you what to do. But I just wanted to share my story. Sustained emotional abuse can make a person become ill . You need to be well to care of your children. I think you know what you need to do. Ask your family for help please. I am now remarried to a caring loving person, and I have come to realize that my choice to stay in my other relationship was not a good one.

Wow, that is terrible. I'm sorry you went through that.

I'm sorry everyone who has told a story here experienced the things they did from nasty, controlling people.