Abuse or Sacrificial Love?

[pocu123]

Hello all. I tried to find the best forum possible but I just wasn't sure. Currently I'm a medical administration student. I'm not a nurse but I am seriously contemplating it for a time in the future. I discovered this website about a week ago and it seems that some of you (single-parents) would be able to relate to my situation. I need some "mature", reasonable, down-to-earth advice from some folks who have "been there - done that".

I'm in a bit of a bind. I left the Army in August due to pregnancy. Job outlook was pretty good for a computer gal with office experience. However the competition turned out to be pretty steep here in the Colorado Springs area. Didn't land a job before I started to show (from the pregnancy). After that, no one would hire me. As illegal as it is, that is the only logical explanation I can think of as to why I couldn't even land a minimum wage job with my experience.

As time went on, I hesitantly accepted the fact that I'm probably not going to get a job till the baby was born. When I left the military, I didn't have any money or a place to stay so some friends invited me to stay with them till I got on my feet. I didn't feel I had much of a choice so I accepted the offer. I started school in hopes to give my daughter a better life than what I could have without this degree. After being here just a short while, I realized how chaotic this home is. These people yell at each other all of the time. They scream at their children all of the time for the slightest things. There is so much dysfunction here that it's causing me great stress wondering how I'm going to have to keep my little baby in this home. There is a problem with one of my roomates in that she seems to want to control my situation with the baby. Can't say much in contrast because the next alternative is the homeless shelter. I'm more miserable as the days go by.

The dilemma is, if all things go well with the delivery, I can just continue on with school and I even received permission from my department supervisor to double-up on classes to finish this program in about three or four months. (This program typically is over a year long) If I can finish in three or four months, I can get a decent job and I can get my daughter OUT OF HERE and into a stable environment. I have enough GI Bill (college money) to pay my bills for the next few months without working so that is an added plus for going that route.

In closing, I was in class tonight asking my classmate how her delivery with her children went and if continuing on with class even just a few days after giving birth was possible. My other classmate piped up and began to tell me how she thought the first few months of a baby's life was the most important and how she doesn't think a baby should be without the mother. Basically she was incenuating I would be abusing or neglecting my child. I was so angry that she would even give her opinion when she doesn't even know what situation I'm in or know that I'm doing this FOR my daughter - trying to get through this program as quickly as possible before she is even old enough to realize I'm gone and to get her out of here.

I say all of that to say this, I don't want to leave my baby. It breaks my heart that I can't make a better situation for her RIGHT NOW. I don't want to leave her with these people while I'm gone. (I don't really know anyone else here to ask them to babysit) But if I can just get this program out of the way quickly, I can get her out of this dysfunctional environment with all of the screaming, accusing, and controlling that goes on.

My question to you single-parents out there who may know what this is like, am I doing the right thing? Or will I be neglecting her? I don't want to do the wrong thing. I have the chance to make a better life for us by doing this and doing it quickly. I don't know what the answer is.

Thanks.

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

Do you have parents or other family or other NOT dysfunctional friends?

I think you need to take a step back and look at what is most important.

Staying where you are is not good for you or your new baby.

Would these screaming people be taking care of your baby?

Hon, I think you need some help from people who have your best interests at heart.

If you can, I'd go home for awhile.

I wouldn't stay where you are.

steph

[LydiaNN]

I'm not convinced that staying with these people is your only option. And I certainly, absolutely, under no circumstances would leave my baby with them. You've described their home as chaotic, told us that one of the people involved wants to control your situation with the baby, and expressed concern at the way they treat their own children. Would you give these people a good recommendation if anyone asked you what kind of babysitters they'd be? I'm sorry, but I think you need to leave no stone unturned- including public assistance. Your baby deserves better.

[pocu123]

Can't go home. As I said in my posting, I didn't have much of a choice when I left the military. As far as people who have my best interest at heart, no one else has invited me into their home. And, I don't know anyone else in this city as far as potential baby-sitters.

In all fairness, these people are not physically abusive - to each other or their children. They're not monsters (although it sounds like they're approaching it quickly sometimes) But if you can remember a time when you were in the presence of people who were fighting (or maybe even fighting all of the time), I'm sure that you can relate to my discomfort. Well, it started out as discomfort, now it has progressed to "Dear God if I'm ever in a relationship like this just shoot me!" I'm sure I'm not the only one in this world that realizes how unhealthy and disturbing an environment with constant expectation that someone's going to go off can be (every day) Even as a newborn who doesn't know what's going on, I don't want her around that.

In addition, even if I could leave, with the financial situation I am in, I would just be going from house to house to house. That is no way for a baby to live either. If I can just get through this program and get a job, I will be able to give my daughter a place of her own.

Quitting school is an option. After she is born I can go right back to job searching, but there's so much of a gamble. I can't give her a decent life on minimum wage, or even somewhat above minimum wage actually. And even then, I'll owe the government for the schooling they've already paid for. Just one more bill I have to miraculously pay every month. I'm just sort of stuck.

You know, I hate whining. That's what it sounds like I'm doing. I apologize everyone. I just need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what I need to do no matter what it takes. That girl's comments upset me tonight, but she's never walked in my shoes. Thanks for the time you took to read my posting everyone. It's appreciated.

[rn/writer, RN]

That intense desire you have to provide for your child is the same feeling God has for you. Ask him for direction. He never rejects the requests of those who turn to him for wisdom and his plans are so much better than the desperate measures we come up with in the throes of panic.

I'm sorry your classmate upset you. Her concerns seem valid but her delivery was insensitive. It's easy to dish out guilt, a bit more of a challenge to help find solutions.

The God who sent Joseph and Mary into Egypt to protect the baby Jesus from certain death understands your need for a way of escape. Don't be afraid. He will speak to you.

You gave your child life and didn't opt out when the timing proved difficult. You have already proved yourself to be a good mother to her.

I will pray for guidance, courage, and blessing in your life. Please update us as frequently as your schedule allows.

[pocu123]

Ms. RN/writer, would you believe that I JUST read about that in Matthew 2 two days ago?

What a coincidence.......

Thanks.

[rn/writer, RN]

Ms. RN/writer, would you believe that I JUST read about that in Matthew 2 two days ago?

What a coincidence.......

Thanks.

Not coincidence. Preparation.

He gently leads those that are with young.

[pocu123]

Your signature includes "In the heart of the Heartland". Where are you from?

[rn/writer, RN]

I'll PM you with that.

[bethin]

Could you leave Colorado Springs for another town that had jobs? Have you tried social services to see if you qualify for welfare? I know it's probably a last resort for you. You want a good life for yourself and your daughter. Even in your tough situation you sound sooo excited at the prospect of giving birth.

I don't like the way the roommate sounds, the one who is always in your business. Are these people good friends?

Good luck on your pregnancy and I truly hope your situation improves. I'll be praying for you.

(((((hugs)))))

[epiphany]

I am a single mother, and I grappled with leaving my baby. (Still do, and she's 18 now!) What do you I think? I think you making the right decision. If you can see the end of the tunnel, I say bite the bullet and finish your school. Having a roof over your head is of primary importance right now. It seems to me these people are dysfunctional and verbal, but if I am not mistaken, they are not BAD people. Do you feel that for the short period till you finish, your baby will be safe with them? If so, I would chose between the lesser evil, so you won't drag out the process of finishing your education. It's a sacrifice, and it's a good thing you are doing, and you are being visionary and looking into the future. You'll be a great mother.

[KatieBell]

Also, do you have any friends in class that might also be willing to watch the new baby? New babies are really easy to watch as the sleep for so much of the day...so possibly you can strengthen these friendships and see if someone can't help you out once in a while.

Best Wishes.