Your Favorite one liner used with patients

Some of my patients are grumpy. I'll say, "How are you today?" and they'll answer gruffly, "I'm here, ain't I?"

Whereupon I'll cheerily say, "Now there ya go. 99% of successful living is showing up for it."

I will say "That was much cooler than that rubber arm they let me practice on this morning," as I pop in an IV.

When I discharge people and walk them to the door to exit the hospital I like to tell them "Don't come back - we don't want repeat customers"
That usually always gets a smile and a chuckle.

To people who complain about not getting enough rest: "Didn't you know you have to go home from the hospital to sleep?"

My grandma's favorite saying (when someone is uncomfortable..usually a college-aged male undressing in front of her).

"I have raised 5 sons and if you have something I haven't seen before I'll pay you to let me see it"

I once told an ER patient who had asked me if the thermometer probe cover was clean, " No, I am sorry ma'am, we use one for every 10 customers and you are #8"! Well, duh!

when an eagerly anticipated long overdue rather impressive bm is produced i tell my pts that the newspaper will be in to take their picture

I used to tell my post-surgical patients that the hospital is the only place where we get excited when someone passes gas.

....and for the enormous post-op BM...I told the patient to name it.

Good for you-don't ever stop....I often tell the pt prior to the injection that "This will hurt you alot more then it will hurt me" or " Wow-this needle is still pretty sharp after being used 8 times" Or-I" I saved a square needle just for you" In LTC when applying preventative skin care I like to tell the resident that I am "caulkling their crack" When I administer eye drops and miss I'll often call it a
premature ejaculation...I have to be careful and make sure I really know the resident-I don't want to offend...But I have old men that love to complain about the cold water when they sit on the toilet...And one guy always says "It's cold-and deep,too" He splits a gut laughing everytime he says it...