Funny things you have said but wish you didn't

Nurses Humor

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A few years ago, I was on the phone with a person from the local lumber company. having in mind to ask if they had any tar paper. But instead, toilet paper slipped out.

That remark started the person on the other end's funnybone. In response to my question, he yelled to the help, "Do we have any toilet paper? The lady on the phone wants to know." Then he said, "Yes we do, but it's rather coorifice. What grade would you like?"

I work in the CCU taking back cabg's from the or. A visitor was looking for a pt named Mr. Johnson. The surgeon was in the heart room so I asked him Dr. Smith did you do a Johnson today. He became very indignant and stated "I most certainly did not" and walked out the room. The guys started laughing and informed me that a johnson was now called that slang for a member. I started laughing and stated well guess that shows you how old I am.

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We were remodeling our house and visiting a number of stores to get ideas. My husband has a very loud, friendly manner, and a tendency to talk w/out thinking.

As the salesman approached us, my husband loudly said "I'd like to pick your ear." The salesman turned and RAN. I started laughing so hard, I had to leave the store, my husband got very upset w/ me and had NO idea what in the heck was going on...

I had to explain the shock on the poor man's face and why he ran off - my husband mixed up the sayings " bend your ear " and "pick your brain".

Now, yrs later, dh thinks it is funny. :chuckle

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While on night duty, at about 3 in the morning, one of our patients passed away. The charge siser had to call a porter to come and take the deceased to the morgue. She gave her name, and the patients name, and was very surprised to receive a rude comment and the phone put down in her ear. She was Sister Fox, and the patient, coincidently, was mr. Wolf...

Giggling my fool head off with this one!!!! :lol2:

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In this particular unit we usually gave a taped end of shift report, but it wasn't unusual to give an oral report, need be.

The one male nurse in the unit was due to tape. I found where he was and opened the door to the patients room and asked him, as he was holding the male patients "urethra" in his hand and ready to insert a foley cath, "Are you giving oral?" :uhoh21: :imbar :eek:

OMG!!! THIS IS TOO FUNNY FOR WORDS!!!!!!!! :rotfl:

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two residents male/female are SO and share a room at this LTC facility...she had seen some of those tv commercials about 'male enhancement' and she came to the nurses station and wanted us to call the md and get some for him... he came over mad as anything and said. LOUDLY, do you have anything to shrink up the grand canyon

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i had to give an oral report about my patient after one of my first med/surg clinical days. i mentioned that she had just undergone a below-knee amputation and everyone, including the instructor, burst out laughing. turns out i had been speaking so fast that the class heard "baloney amputation." i suppose it would have been even funnier if i'd had a male patient.

many years ago, i responded to an emt call for a man who'd caught his fingers in some kind of industrial press. one of the other emts was a woman who had a kind of smug attitude. i could work with her but i didn't enjoy it. at any rate, this poor man had the back of his glove sliced open and his fingers nearly severed. we packaged the mangled mess and transported him, per his request, sitting up on the cot with his injured hand cradled in the other arm. on the way to the hospital, he said, "we're just about to pass my house." my know-it-all friend smiled and said, "is anyone home? you can wave as we go by." it took about five seconds for the pt. and the rest of us to realized what she'd said. she could have died. fortunately, the patient was a good guy. he said something like, "maybe later." and me? well, i had to walk around for the next hour thinking, "i must not gloat. i must not gloat. i must not gloat." :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

miranda f.

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Specializes in ER.
two residents male/female are SO and share a room at this LTC facility...she had seen some of those tv commercials about 'male enhancement' and she came to the nurses station and wanted us to call the md and get some for him... he came over mad as anything and said. LOUDLY, do you have anything to shrink up the grand canyon

BEAUTIFUL!

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Specializes in Everything but psych!.
My McDonalds story. I was waiting in the drive thru a very long time. Had my neices in the car with me. I was trying to be in a pleasant mood and when we pulled up to get our food I said " A little short handed today?" The man at the window just looked at me without responding. He starts to hand me our food. He has a deformity where both his arms basically in stubs. I was mortified.

Dead silence in the car as we pull out. My neice says "Good going Auntie". The other neices break out in laughter. I will never forget it.

How you're playing in my league of foot in mouth! :rotfl:

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I was in the bathroom with my 8 year old at a restaurant and I was thinking about the time she accidently walked into the mens restroom instead of the womens. She noticed that I was just standing there and I looked at her and said "whats the matter member?" when I meant to say what is the matter peanut! :imbar

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Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..

one dark night outside a small town in minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

the alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. when the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "all of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. they must be saved and i will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

but the roaring flames held the firefighters off. soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. as the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

from the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. it was the nearby norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of norwegians over the age of 65. to everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these norwegian's passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

outside the other firemen watched as the norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.within a short time, the norsk old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. the grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, norsk fire fighters.

the local tv news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "what are you going to do with all that money?"

vell," said ole lorificen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat foc*ing truck.

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My friend and I were enjoying a meal at a Chick-fil-a at the mall and a couple with 3 children sat down near us. The parents were red-headed and fair skinned and all the childern were very dark-skinned. The 2 older kids were playing around and we got friendly with them and my friend, intending on complimenting the parents, smiled and exclaimed, "I think it is so awesome that you guys adopt children, I really admire that." Both of the parents faces instantly dropped and gave my friend the look of death. Apparently, the kids were not aware of the adoption. My friend tried to apologize profusely, while the couple shooed their kids away from us did their best to ignore us. I tease her all the time and she stills feels awful about it.

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Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
My friend and I were enjoying a meal at a Chick-fil-a at the mall and a couple with 3 children sat down near us. The parents were red-headed and fair skinned and all the childern were very dark-skinned. The 2 older kids were playing around and we got friendly with them and my friend, intending on complimenting the parents, smiled and exclaimed, "I think it is so awesome that you guys adopt children, I really admire that." Both of the parents faces instantly dropped and gave my friend the look of death. Apparently, the kids were not aware of the adoption. My friend tried to apologize profusely, while the couple shooed their kids away from us did their best to ignore us. I tease her all the time and she stills feels awful about it.
Wow! She didn shove her foot down her throat; she shoved her whole leg too. I can imaging how awful she must have felt. I bet she doesn't do that anymore.
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