Giving the license up

Nurses Recovery

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After much thought, I have decided to send my license back. I will call the Executive Director on Monday and my case manager to see about future options, if I were to ever want to get my license back. But, when thinking about sending my license back, I have a weird sense of peace in my heart and body and relief that I won't be spending every dollar I make on drug screens and that I won't have to constantly be contacting the Boards. I think I did achieve my goal. I got my license and in getting my license, I learned such a valuable lesson that has really changed my outlook. I figured out where my interests lie. We need greater service, education, and advocacy when dealing with mental illness. I want to change the world or at least Virginia (and perhaps Tennessee).

Also, I knew I would want to disclose what I have eventually and now, I feel comfortable enough with myself that I can publicly say or type it. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Yes, I have my days where I am moody, but I am also a beautiful spirit. I am kind, motivated, open minded, and passionate. I deserve to go and fulfill my dreams and be happy in life.

I am thinking that I can start saving my money, go to grad school and get an MPH, do some advocacy and other work I am passionate about, and eventually maybe if I can get the public health experience and get my PhD, I can still one day work for the CDC or NIH/NIMH as an epidemiologist or some other role. There's still a lot of hope for me, maybe just not in nursing. Thanks for your friendships. I might still lurk, but something in my heart tells me just let it go.

[h=1]"If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."--Tupac Shakur[/h]

Specializes in Adult/Ped Emergency and Trauma.

I totally understand, Lol. To this day now I am brain washed to seek help for almost any decision to make sure I am not being impulsive. I do wish you the best of luck, and I am soooo sorry you have MORE than one state to deal with!

Thanks, Meriwhen. I shall hang on to for now. I still have 4 years and about 8 months left (out of a 5 year contract). Ever heard of anyone in VA getting released early from contract?

I love nursing, but sometimes I feel like we are a field that impedes progress. Maybe I can contribute to change. I hope so.

I am slowly mowing over my set backs. First with the pharmacy board, now with the TN BON...I guess this is teaching me to be persistent and keep trying if I really want it. But, it can be exhausting and some days are full of tears. Then, you get the one day when a break through (hopefully) is made and it gives you that little glimmer of hope to hang on to.

Specializes in Critical Care, ED, Cath lab, CTPAC,Trauma.

Things are always darkest before the dawn.......don't surrender your license. Seek legal advice first. Don't give it away...you worked so hard for it!

I know about a chronic illness, I have an inflammatory neuro-musclar disorder, and the days it takes it's toll so that even opening your eyes is an overwhelming effort.

It is just one small step at a time......first you open one eye and then the other......one foot then the next......

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Specializes in critical care, Med-Surg.

Dear Wish Me Luck,

STOP! Don't do any such thing as surrender your license! You are clearly weary and depressed, and therefore not thinking with absolute clarity! I know, I've been there myself. Do not make such a big decision in this state.

Trust me on this one: things have a way of working themselves out if you can put one foot in front of the other (baby steps) as previous poster stated, and go with the FLOW.

The hardest battle is with YOURSELF, not the BON. Focus on the biggest battle, if you can win that one, all other issues will work themselves out. Without you surrendering your license.

Love and best wishes,

Cheryl

Specializes in CRNA, Finally retired.

I'm with Cheryl. You are in very EARLY recovery. 7 months is not far out but the early period is the worst because you're still short on coping skills and long on shame, guilt, anxiety, depression, etc.

You've heard the advice often given to widows? Don't make major life or financial decisions during the first year - you're still not over your grief enough to be rational re: your self interests. I can guarantee that the Commissioner of Nursing does not have a vendetta of hate against you. I highly doubt that this person even knows your name. The Board is not there to pave the road with rose petals - their first consideration is public safety and they don't really give a hoot about your feelings. However, the people who have designated themselves to help you through the process are totally empathetic to the rigors of recovery - they've seen it 100's of times; nurses who come in depressed and crying, unable to make a living, worrying about what their colleagues think of them, etc. The reward is seeing them a year later - able to smile and feeling grateful to have a sane life. YOU are responsible for your future happiness; the Board is NOT. Now I know that you're not spending 8 or 10 hours a day wrangling with the Board; if you think about it, very little time is devoted to going to urine screens, meetings, etc. There's plenty of time think negative thoughts about yourself and others. The large majority of nurses manage to get a job again while they are still being monitored. It may be helpful to you at this point if you just stop thinking so much (and doing more). Just let life happen - most of what happens is totally out of your control anyway. Electronic hug to you.

Wish me luck,I wish you all the best with your difficult situation. I agree with the other posts, "Don't give up". You worked very hard so you could be a nurse so don't give up without a fight, I know I'm not. I understand how hard it is dealing with addiction & a mental illness. After my diversion I was diagnosed with Bi polar disorder. I also suffered from postpartum depression. To many we will have a label on our back but that's only if we allow it to be there. With Gods help we can overcome all things. And in our darkest moments we have to trust in him that he will bring us through it. I wish you only the best in your endeavors.

I wouldn't have a problem with it, subee, if I did not live on the state line. I know they don't know me and don't have a vendetta, but I don't know how to explain to people who don't live on a state line. Our community hospital is in TN. I just happened to live in the part of the city that is VA. I have a VA license, but the further into the area of VA I am in, there's not many hospitals for the next couple of hours.

Okay, called the lady regarding the endorsement. She told me that was wrong info because she has it stuck in her mind that I am wanting to move to TN. She is putting me on the list for the committee appeals, I guess that's what it is called (TN's version of an informal conference) in January. So, I just have to wait for the letter to be sent.

Until then, I am going to see what I can find in VA. It would be lovely if I can find something in VA, but based on the health care facilities in the area, that's slim to none, especially being a new grad and having a board order. If I do find something in VA, I'll let TN know, but I don't foresee it happening. I'll try though. In addition, I am going to continue volunteering and study for the GRE. The plan is to take it in February and have my application packet sent in by the deadline in March and start Fall 2013.

I am just trying so hard to get my life back on track, but stay here to do it. My parents told me the same thing, just hang on to my license and relax. Apparently, I am trying too hard???

Specializes in Adult/Ped Emergency and Trauma.

It's called OBSESSING, and every addict and alcoholic is guilty of it.

We get something on our mind and it takes away 95% of our thoughts and energy away from enjoying life on life's terms.

God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

I just wish you luck in everything that you will do. I know it will be a hard decision but you got to do what you need to do.

Specializes in Psych ICU, addictions.
I'm with Cheryl. You are in very EARLY recovery. 7 months is not far out but the early period is the worst because you're still short on coping skills and long on shame, guilt, anxiety, depression, etc.

You've heard the advice often given to widows? Don't make major life or financial decisions during the first year - you're still not over your grief enough to be rational re: your self interests.

I have to agree with that: the first year should be spent focusing on you and your recovery.

Plus, many employers will not touch an applicant with "only" months in recovery...that may be why they are hesitating when you apply. One of my former facilities would hire people in recovery but they had to have at least one solid year under their belt. If you apply with a year or more of proven clean time, you may find employers to be more open.

you need to hang in there; I am veterinarian turned paramedic/RN (pending short preceptorship completion); I have seen professionals from vets to mds to RNs go thru hell in getting license issues resolved; you seem very "grounded" and wise, and think you have genuinely corrected a problem (who among us lives in glass houses? we all do-none are perfect!) you have a career, don't "shrink away"! Fight for it! again, no one is perfect! You have a right to your profession, and do not grow weary!

Specializes in LTC, Psych, Med/Surg.

I mean, it's wonderful that people don't want people relapsing and using again or trying to commit suicide, etc. but if you cannot integrate these people back into society in a productive way, then all that work just does not matter because they will be back into that same position a short time later.

I have to strongly disagree. Being clean and sober is not about external circumstances. Everyone on this earth will, sooner or later, face challenges beyond what they think they can handle. This is no excuse for relapse.

I also wanted to respond to the part of your post that refers to suicide.

Besides believing that my recovery is in spite of, not because of, the punishments meted out by my BON and the nursing world in general, my impression of the board was that it was no skin off their noses if I had committed suicide. I would be just one less pile of paperwork to file and one less life to scrutinize to the nth degree. Being treated like a criminal when I had several years of sobriety was painful and humiliating, epitomized by the observed urine drug screens and the disgust shown me by some (not all) hiring managers.

I hope someday to get a nursing job where I can help other addicts. In the meantime, I am in recovery for myself and will continue to enjoy good health (hopefully).

Yours in bitterness,

Catmom :paw:

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