Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it. - page 46

:spin:Just curious as to what you would say. Mine goes something like this: Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight. I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave. Yelling... Read More

  1. by   RNsRWe
    I've been reading through this thread, and genuinely LOL...thanks everyone! It's a real pleasure to know so many of you have the same closet dagger thoughts that I do!
  2. by   RNsRWe
    Quote from talaxandra
    "Dig your nails into me again and I will break your fingers." I came really close to saying this to a combative, oriented, elderly woman with really sharp nails last week, but refrained and settled for "Do not dig your nauils into me, Mrs X."
    Reminds me of another elderly, nasty mean patient (also completely oriented, I might add): she liked to pinch the staff, HARD, when we turned her, or went to take blood pressures, etc. I had been warned she might do that, and when I approached her, I made SURE to tell her "I need to take your bp now, Mrs. X". Well, that dingbatty woman reached out for my arm, ALMOST GOT me, and I snatched her hand right fast. Told her "you will NOT PINCH ME, or I will REPORT YOU!" She just stared at me, then dropped her hand, and that was that. NO pinching.

    I swear, people can become so ridiculous.
  3. by   RedWeasel
    I had to go into a nasty mean woman's room to tell her to quit throwing a fit (alert but not oriented)...She was trying to pull the cord off the call light. We had had it. I tried to take it from her nicely. Then she dug her nails into my hand. I snatched my hand away and ripped that call light out of her hand. "YOU will not damage this. It is not yours! It is hospital property (for you to use to drive us crazy with I wanted to say)!" I knew better, but man I still never saw it coming she took her little -but curiously strong (like Altoids!)-leg up into the air and WHAM! right into my stomach. It took my breath away. I knew I couldn't do anything to her. I firmly took her leg and put it into the bed and said ("upset") DON"T KICK ME I AM PREGNANT AND IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN IF ANYTHING EVERHAPPENS TO MY CHILD>>>> she just looked at me. I am a very quiet person and my coworkers in the hall just all went "GASP" (ICANTBELIEVESHEJUSTSAIDTHATTOAPATIENT) ....I had had a long night. The thing is I wasn't pregnant but I could have been and coworkers were and she had to know she couldn't do that. THat is when she asked my name and I said "My name is Tiffany." (My name is not Tiffany and she wasn't going to remember my name in two minutes I mainly said it because I knew coworkers were listening, and they started laughing hysterically. We always say "my name is Tiffany" (our floors funny and quirky nurse) when we are joking around that if we ever screw up or seem to be in trouble with family we use her name (we never have of course). This wasn't my best moment...but sometimes you just lose it....and things get said...Later I went in and she yells "Now who the HILL are you??!!" So she didn't remember. I gave her my name that time. The next night she bit someone.
  4. by   BerryHappy
    You know YOU could do the EXACT same thing I will do to get YOUR mom on the toilet...so why don't you?
  5. by   BabyLady
    I'm sorry Ms. Smith, but yes, your drug test came back as positive for a variety of narcotics. No, the hospital doesn't have a conspiracy against you. Yes, we understand that your fifth cousin that's married to your great-great-uncle's step-brother-in-law three times removed had a drug test 25 years ago that came back positive when it wasn't, but I can assure you that it's not a mistake in your case.

    Yes, I will call the anesthesiologist to get your epidural started. No, we cannot do the delivery under general anesthesia. And no, your pain will not very likely be controlled by very much at all..but that will be the least of your worries by the time that social services comes and let's you know that you can't take the baby home to the homeless shelter or the cardboard box on the corner of 48th street.

    I can assure you that we are not being judgmental Ms. Smith...yes, I understand that you don't have custody of any of your seven children and it in no way makes you an unfit parent of this one. Of course we understand that it's not your fault that you can't find a job with prostitution and drug charges on your record...of course that doesn't mean you can't be trusted...we understand.

    By the way, we have several gentlemen sitting in the waiting room that all claim to be the father and Maury Povich is holding on Line 2...would you like to see any pamphlets on our paternity testing services?

    No Ms. Smith, no one is saying you are promiscuous and you have every right to date whom you wish.
  6. by   SuperPsychdRN
    "Am I the Nurse? Oh...I'm not the nurse...I'm housekeeping."

    "Sure...Why not?? I'll go out on a date with you. Even though I'm happily married I just can't get enough of dating all my male patients and you are SUCH a catch!"
    Last edit by SuperPsychdRN on Jan 17, '09
  7. by   callmekipling
    Quote from elizabells
    What's that you say? You're "close personal friends" with some doctor on the opposite coast who has some sort of professional connection with one of the 20 attendings on our unit? Well! I was planning on accidentally extubating your grandson, giving him the wrong dose of the wrong med at the wrong time by the wrong route, and then dropping him on the floor when I go to change his bed linens, but now that I know THAT I'll take GOOD care of him!
    Aahahahaha! happened to me once. Of course I'm a tech, I don't talk much to attendings (I know the house docs, but who's gonna drop THEIR names?) So a little old lady came in insisting she knew such-and-such CEO of our company... I could honestly say - "Do you? Because I sure don't. If he stops by, ring your call bell!"
  8. by   diane227
    When patients/ family members threaten to call their attorney, I ask them what his name is so I can get his phone number for them. We used to have his consumer advocate guy on TV and patients used to threaten to call him. Some lady came up with this at the triage desk one day and I handed her the phone and told her"go ahead and call him now. Maybe he can get me some help up here".

    We have this 19 year old girl in the hospital right now. Real nice girl but she and her boyfriend think that the nurses are actually wait staff. I told the nurse to tell them when he needs, soda, ice, juice, etc (for the boyfriend) he needed to walk up and get it.

    I worked with another nurse once in a large inner city hospital where we had extremely long wait times. Some guy came up to him in a waiting room and started yelling and cursing at him. The nurse was 6'4", the man was about 5'10". He got all up in his face. The nurse went over to the trash and threw the guys chart away. The guy was just yelling and stomping around, mad as hell. The nurse told him, you shut up and sit down, you see the doctor, you don't, then you don't see the doctor.
  9. by   diane227
    I love it. She should have said it.
  10. by   Virgo_RN
    To the cardiac patient who is accusing me of holding you hostage because I won't let you go outside to smoke, who is leaving against the advice of your cardiologist, then telling me that you're *really* NOT a jerk....

    Um, yeah, you actually are a jerk. A big one. The biggest jerk I've met in a while, actually. I'm sure my other three patients who are getting their eight o clock medications at ten o clock because you have been monopolizing my time would agree with me.
    Last edit by Virgo_RN on Jan 22, '09
  11. by   southernbeegirl
    I swear...one of these days, when someone asks my name...I'm going to tell them Deborah Peel (in honor of some great med blogs i read)!
  12. by   rnmi2004
    "You hit that call light one more time and I swear I will beat you with it."

    :lol_hitti

    Hey, who says therapeutic communication always has to be therapeutic for the patient?
  13. by   RochesterRN-BSN
    I have to say this is a fun thread to read!! Lots of funny stuff!!
    I have to admit that working in psych I have more stories than I could tell you.....and have said somethings that well maybe were not the most therapeutic but........ however I do evals of psych patients when they first arrive and have wanted to say to the family with them at times........."okay so here is what I am thinking..........your whole family is absolutly nuts and I think we need to admit you all! Maybe we could get you a family rate!"
    ........or "**** if I lived with you lady I would want to beat the crap out of you too!" (to the mother a peds patient who was assultive to his mom)
    .....or to the dellusional and grandiose patient who is really disgusting and continually trying to pick me up, with the "you know you want this baby" comments...."Oh yes you're so right! How did you know......I would love to lose my nursing license to have the change to be with someone like you.....and the fact that you are too paranoid to shower thinking the water is contaminated to harm you.....I love to smelly dirty bum look...."!

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