I started my CVICU position in April. Ofcourse I was super excited because I just became a RN after being a LPN for 3 years. I had my license for exactly 3 months before getting hired, not bad for a new grad RN.
I always knew that CVICU was not my dream job but I was super excited to learn and develop my new skills.
So what happened? My orientation was rough. I had 9 different preceptors, and felt that the overall orientation was disorganized. However, I felt this was nursing and I'm just blessed to have a job.
In addition to a bad orientation, I had to work with senior nurses who hated new grads ( their words not mine) and did every thing in their power to not create a learning environment for new grads. One nurse flat out told some of us interns that she doesn't like to precept and is a total "B" (word). I've been talked to like a dog and treated like a complete idiot during my time there. Several new and experienced nurses that fell prey to some of the lateral violence have cried on the job and on the way home. However, through it all, I was determined to make this work. I just figured, this is nursing, this is what I signed up for.
At the end of my orientation, I was given great compliments from some of nurses and docs and I looked forward to being on my own.
I've made my mistakes here and there but thank God some of senior nurses were there every step of the way and I've never caused patient harm.
Then out of no where I get called into a meeting and was told my work performance was substandard. Little did I know that when I asked for help it would be looked at as a sign of incompetence and reported to my boss.
Anyway, I've decided resign from the unit ( not the hospital) and move on. There was no way I could continue to work on a unit where there was such an intensity of passive aggressive behavior. At the end of the day, I just did not fit in.
At first I felt embarrassed, incompetent, and like a complete failure. I cried, cried, and cried. I was heartbroken because I truly gave it my all. I arrived to work an hour early and would go home every night and review the things I didn't know.
Today, I can look my self in the mirror and know that I'm a great nurse. Not because I'm compassionate or care but because I know what I know, and I know what I don't know.
I know for a fact that I've literally saved lives and helped people walk out of that ICU in better condition than they came. I know for a fact that I've helped people breathe easier and generally have a higher quality of life.
The bad part about it now is that I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm no longer a new grad RN but I'm also don't have that year of experience.
I'm confident that I'll one day find my niche in nursing with a nice working environment.