Gay Nurses... help!

[quakerkid]

Hi - Wondering if any gay nurses have an insight into some concerns i've been having...

How much do you self-disclose about yourself? What do you say when patients assume you are straight, and ask you about your girlfriend/wife? How about when they assume you are gay?!? How appropriate is it to be out to them? to your co-workers? Certainly there is a double standard, as straight nurses would be 'out' at work (by talking about thier family, or feeling comfortable self-disclosing about their family), but what techniques do you use at work?

Oh, and if you respond - please mention a little about what kind of nursing you do.

Thanks so much!

EDIT: Thanks for the first several responses - I wanted to update my question a little. I guess I am asking specifically about the situation when patients ask about your personal life (which, during nursing school, we were taught not to disclose, since the focus should be on the pt. not on the nurse.) But at the same time, we have to build a healty, healing relationship... answers?

[jnette, ASN, EMT-I]

:w00t:

Thanks guys, I'm blushing... :imbar

Add me to the list of Tweety Worshippers................ :chuckle

Ya done good, Tweets. Excellent post. I admire anyone who says what they mean and means what they say.

Now blush away, my Friend !

[Someday-C.R.N.A.]

I'm not gay, but I do get asked about my personal life at work sometimes. (Not yet in nursing). Nobody at work needs to know if I have a girlfriend or not. (Or what I do outside of work, etc.)

I either completely ignore it, turn the subject towards work (hoping they get the hint), or flat out tell them it is none of their business. (I try to be as polite about it as they are, or will let me be).

I agree with Tweety here. Gay or straight doesn't really matter. I go to work to do a job. As long as I'm doing that job well, that's all that you need to know.

I've made the mistake of telling people about my personal life before, and all it leads to is gossip and rumors. It really is amazing what people can come up with sometimes. Atleast by saying nothing, I know I'm not contributing to the gossip machine (or rumor mill).

[baby&mommynurse]

Tweety always has some good advice. :)

It also all depends on your own comfort level with people about being open about it, too. It's difficult sometimes to be open with your "sexual preference" when you don't know how someone will react to it. There are still people out there who may not be comfortable with working with a gay co-worker or having a gay nurse... but that is their problem. All you can do is be honest and do your job well. Where I work, it doesn't seem like much of an issue anymore since I work with a few gay doctors and nurses and we even have same sex partners having babies.

[lovingtheunloved, ASN, RN]

I've heard some of the most vulgar talk about sexual experience out of the mouths of straight women. Regardless of sexual preference, some things just do NOT belong in the workplace.

[Someday-C.R.N.A.]

Regardless of sexual preference, some things just do NOT belong in the workplace.

ROGER THAT!!

On a similar thought......................

If I was in a hospital and Tweety was my nurse, why would I care if he was gay? ....(Should I catch his "gay vibe", whatever that is)......Is he taking good care of me?? YES. Is he receptive to my needs/wants?? YES. Is he 'sneekin a peek'?? I HIGHLY doubt it. The man is a professional. He isn't there to 'check out dudes' any more than straight nurses are there to 'scope chicks'. The man is a HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL.

I am currently a steel worker. Does that mean that I'm heterosexual? Hairy chested? Vulgar? Wonanizing? Drunk? ............How about an aspiring nurse?

There is nothing wrong with men in nursing.

There is nothing wrong with homosexual men. (Believe me, you FAT, BALD, DRUNK, SMELLY farm 'boys', "fags" have standards too) ..(Some of the farmers around here have trouble with this concept. I have to explain to them...I'm not gay, and I don't want to be around you either.)

There is NOTHING wrong with keeping your personal life (Whatever that may be) COMPLETELY apart from your work life. .......That's what Professionals do.

**Tweety, I am assuming that you will be okay with me referencing you this way. Be sure I mean no disrespect. You seem like a very caring man and a fine nurse. (Just to be clear).

[madwife2002, BSN, RN]

Well said Tweety, dont think anybody could add to that.

[RN34TX]

There is NOTHING wrong with keeping your personal life (Whatever that may be) COMPLETELY apart from your work life. .......That's what Professionals do.

That's not the real world, professional or not.

Keeping my personal life completely apart from my work life is what I attempted to do many times over but...it only leads to more questions, more probing, and just as much if not more gossip and stories about you. Not that gossip in the workplace should rule how you react to it but in my experience, it just ends up making things worse when you act vague and mysterious about your personal life.

For me, it's always been a struggle between the "If you're gay I don't want to know about it" straight co-workers and the "Inquiring minds want to know" types.

For the latter types, fine. Here's my oh so interesting gay life. Pretty ordinary and not much different from yours, are you happy now?

For the former types I've always found it interesting that the same nurses who fall into the "keep your private life to yourself" category to be the same ones who constantly talk about their husbands and children at the nurse's station all day. Anything outside of that world would be deemed inappropriate in their minds.

Can all of you out there who insist that your private lives are completely separate from your professional lives honestly say that you never make any mention of a spouse or love interest to your co-workers, whether voluntarily or prompted by questions from your peers? And only discuss professional work related issues with them?

Baloney.

[RN34TX]

I've heard some of the most vulgar talk about sexual experience out of the mouths of straight women. Regardless of sexual preference, some things just do NOT belong in the workplace.

My experience has been exactly the same and I agree that it does not belong in the workplace.

But what I find interesting is the double standard I've seen in almost all of my work settings.

The sexual discussions are never labeled by anyone as "inappropriate" or "degrading" until men (straight or gay) start talking like that or participating in it.

Then all of a sudden human resources gets a call and we're having floor meetings about it.

[cjcsoon2bnp, MSN, RN, NP]

I am not a nurse yet and I am not gay. But I really don't think it matters if you like men, women or whatever. Its all about if your a good nurse or not. Thats it period. All you should strive to be is a good nurse and a good friend. As far as your personal life goes, only tell what you feel comfortable with and when you feel comfortable. You dont' owe anyone any explinations. You should be free to be who you are.

[mnurse3139]

You should be yourself and pay no attention to the jerks that might offend you. I for one am one of those jerks, I have gotten counseled for the jokes and comments I make. Then again I was brought up in a strong catholic household and Dad is very macho. But I have learned over the years to be more tolerant. Do what you want, but there will be some people that won't be too tolerant.

[Someday-C.R.N.A.]

That's not the real world, professional or not.

Keeping my personal life completely apart from my work life is what I attempted to do many times over but...it only leads to more questions, more probing, and just as much if not more gossip and stories about you. Not that gossip in the workplace should rule how you react to it but in my experience, it just ends up making things worse when you act vague and mysterious about your personal life.

For me, it's always been a struggle between the "If you're gay I don't want to know about it" straight co-workers and the "Inquiring minds want to know" types.

For the latter types, fine. Here's my oh so interesting gay life. Pretty ordinary and not much different from yours, are you happy now?

For the former types I've always found it interesting that the same nurses who fall into the "keep your private life to yourself" category to be the same ones who constantly talk about their husbands and children at the nurse's station all day. Anything outside of that world would be deemed inappropriate in their minds.

Can all of you out there who insist that your private lives are completely separate from your professional lives honestly say that you never make any mention of a spouse or love interest to your co-workers, whether voluntarily or prompted by questions from your peers? And only discuss professional work related issues with them?

Baloney.

Yeah, I see your point, and you're right - it's not as easy as it sounds.

I am able to keep my personal life completely apart from my work life where I am right now, but it may be much harder for other people in different situations. It may be harder for me when I make the 'switch' - to nursing.

It's a shame that people make things so dificult for anyone who may be a little bit different than they are.

[ZASHAGALKA, RN]

When I first started working in nursing, 13 yrs ago, I'd sometimes get 'the look' from patients - can't describe it but I always knew exactly what it meant - and if I threw in 'my wife' or 'my kids' into the conversation, I could instantly see 'the look' vanish. That doesn't happen very much at all anymore. 13 yrs ago, there were so few male nurses that 'all male nurses are gay' was an ingrained stereotype. We live in a different world today - there are far more men in nursing and that trend will only continue.

I disagree that you can work in such close environs and not share some personal info with your co-workers. Establishing professional relationships requires some personal disclosure. We don't live in compartments, professional here, and personal there. I mean, think about it, trust and confidence in you are vetted determinations - they come w/ time and experience w/ you. If you withhold all personal relationships, you will have a problem w/ being considered aloof or cold - and that would affect your professional relationships.

It has been my experience that most nurse's stations are literal Peyton Places of personal information. I couldn't see how you could hide who you are for long, and the effort to do so would seem to me to be just too much dang stress - and pronoun management.

Will some people be comfortable with it and some uncomfortable? Of course. You have to read each individual - and give details of your life based on that. That's not the same as saying that you should remain 'in the closet' to co-workers that would have a problem, but you can certainly de-emphasize your conversation in that vein in front of them. The bottom line, as co-workers, we have to work together which means some give and take on lots of issues, including this.

All relationships are negotiations, even professional ones. I have an avid interest in politics - but I don't discuss politics w/ my co-workers that I know their eyes will glaze over. Same w/ sports, etc. etc. Being gay I would think would be very similar. Most all my co-workers know I'm very political and a huge Astros fan (I was at yesterday's 18 inning game - Holy Toledo!) - but to the ones that aren't interested, I shy away from the topics.

I would think that most of your co-workers should have come to terms with this issue anyway. It is my experience that there is either a higher percentage of gays in nursing, or at the least, a higher percentage of gay nurses willing to be 'out' about it. As such, most of your co-workers should have had ample opportunity to 'get over it' long before you.

As far as patients go, your relationship to them is far more temporary. I would think it would be, if not appropriate, then certainly more convenient to not bring it up and only disclose that info rarely. The older generation is much more fixed on their stereotypes and a few days exposure to a challenge of those stereotypes are not only not going to change them - whether they are sick enough to be in the hospital or family member stressed over their loved ones being in the hospital - that probably isn't the best psychological environment to deal, anyway.

To me, patients and family members can be unpredictable at times, largely due to trying to process stress and grief. Everybody's breaking point is different. I try to be cordial, open and receptive to families/patients, but I rarely disclose enough information about myself that I would be concerned IF the dynamic of the relationship changed - think stages of grief, anger and denial.

Don't know if that helps

~faith,

Timothy.