Re- mariage is over - page 2

Ok firstly I wish to address some issues. I said that my husband is boring. He is boring if you knew him you would say the same. Im not saying that he isn't a nice and caring guy, but he is boring.... Read More

  1. by   Spidey's mom
    Quote from cheerfuldoer
    The best advice that someone (my only brother) gave me when in a dilemma about what to do with a bad marriage was this:

    Women will take whatever a man dishes out because they think they can turn apples into oranges. If it smells like an orange, it's an orange. If it peels like an orange, it's an orange. If you want the orange to really be an apple, stop dreaming...it aint gonna happen for ya!

    When you get tired of putting up with the bullcrap and the boring marriage, you'll get out of it. Otherwise, deal with it and keep on keeping on with the louse.

    Now...THOSE are a counselors words and my only brother's words to me when faced with what to do with my marriage. Guess what decision I made about the whole mess..............DIVORCE WILL BE AFFECTIVE THIS SUMMER! :hatparty:

    Ah, but cheerfuldoer, your husband cheated on you. Lacie's husband is merely boring. The photo's not being in the photo album is not a big deal but maybe a sign that you are struggling so much that even the small stuff is getting to you.

    Please see a counselor even if your husband won't go. Sexually mismatched couples have been helped and you could end up falling in love with the father of your children.

    steph

    steph
    Last edit by Spidey's mom on Apr 19, '04
  2. by   live4today
    True...this is true...but if she is bored with her husband, the advice my counselor and brother gave me would apply to her situation or any person's situation when they want something from a relationship and aren't getting it.

    Lacie isn't getting "action" on the part of her husband, so without her expecting him to change, she should make a decision to either seek counseling...whether with her spouse or without....or send him packing.

    Quote from stevielynn
    Ah, but cheerfuldoer, your husband cheated on you. Lacie's husband is merely boring. The photo's not being in the photo album is not a big deal but maybe a sign that you are struggling so much that even the small stuff is getting to you.

    Please see a counselor even if your husband won't go. Sexually mismatched couples have been helped and you could end up falling in love with the father of your children.

    steph

    steph
  3. by   Love767
    Lacie you sound like a nice person, but you must understand one thing. As Chris Rock says "if your marriage ain't boring THEN you've got a problem". It humor, but like all great humor there is more than a grain of truth in the observation. Another, good Chris Rock line from Saturday's HBO special "guys the reason your wife always seems pissed at you is because you WEREN't her FIRST choice" (I guess you have to see it).

    It sounds like he really has done some things that have really bothered you (I can hear my wife's voice in your type). I've never cheated on my wife, but have done some really bone headed, inconsiderate things that have hurt our marriage over the years (at least we ARE having regular sex we went for a whole year where she wouldn't following a year where I wouldn't). I see now that we both used sex as a "passive aggressive" weapon at different points in the relationship. Here's a couple of thoughts that MIGHT help:

    1. Seek counseling. Clearly this isn't working (he's probably not in bliss either) and to have the best chance of working this out your going to have to TALK about what's going on. Maybe it can be fixed and maybe not, but if you don't do anything it's probably not going to fix itself.


    I hope you guys make it. God Bless.
    Last edit by Love767 on Apr 19, '04
  4. by   nurse07
    Quote from Husband
    Lacie, you explained your feelings and the situation in your post so if it didn't get the replies you wanted then it is your own fault.

    I don't think that the others were really that rude. If the replies in the forum sound familiar perhaps ask yourself why.

    Did you think that my reply was rude? I wasn't trying to be, just commented based on my own experiences.

    Husband,

    A typical male response! Unlike you I am not perfect and I think 85 percent of people know how I feel as they too have been there at some stage or another.

    Please dont bother to respond as I am really not interested in any more rude comments.

    I was simply blowing off steam, letting some anger out and that is all. I found not only your response but others rude and affensive. I can only ask that the people who lent their kind words of support and well wishes to continue to do so as I dont have alot of people around me who I CAN talk to especially about his subject.

    So thank you to the few who wished me well and I will keep you up to date as what I decide to do.

    If you find this rude (husband and others) or affensive its your fault...........

    L.
  5. by   Energizer Bunny
    Lacie...I am sorry that you are getting these responses from some people here. I can see that you just came for support. Your best defense sometimes is not to say a word. I, for one, have been where you are and frankly, my husband's family really doesn't care for me and I know this. I have tried and tried every thing I could think of and still, I am not "good enough" for them.

    I could tell you to seek counseling, etc., but only YOU know what is in your heart. My husband and I go through stages and because of some health issues, his moods fluctuate from day to day. It is very hard to deal with and I have considered throwing in the towel. I am not an advocate of divorce at all...I planned to be married for life when I married him, but if you are that unhappy your child will sense it and any tension in the house and you might be better off out of the situation.

    Again, only you know what is best for you and honestly, if you don't want to get slammed, you might want to reconsider posting about your marriage on this board. While there are a ton of supportive people here there are some that will find fault with anything you do (kinda like my in laws! LOL!).

    I wish you all the best and please feel free to pm me if you like.
  6. by   nursedawn67
    Here's my opinion and that is all it is, MY OPINION. Lacie I think you were hoping in a way that everyone would say "Dump his a**!" but unfortunately not everyone feels that way. All I can tell you is examine everyone's post...take them to heart and examine your life, is it all him or is some of it you too. I don't mean this in a bad way or to sound like I'm saying it is you. I went through this with my husband, we never did anything together and I finally said enough is enough we need to separate. We decicded before we would take this drastic step we would talk EVERYTHING out. At this point we had been married about 10 years. We did alot of talking...and I mean alot of talking. At first it was arguing, but then agreed to stop pointing fingers and talk and we did. We did some crying. We envisioned what it would be like to be apart. this took about a solid week to work out...I lost like 15 pounds from not eating...i am talking a serious sit down..no kids....no eating, week long talk. And well....we are still together today. We celebrated our 18 year anniversary at Christmas. Now I'm not saying this is the answer for everyone, but it worked for us. We realized deep down we love eachother and are willing to work on the marriage, we realized we did need that "wine and dine" attitude...you know that "dating" feeling. We made time for us, we went on dates. We rediscovered eachother.

    And on the flip side if you did this, you may realize you really don't have that "thing" for eachother anymore, but at least you both will know you didn't give up without a fight.

    Good luck!
  7. by   Dixen81
    Quote from lacie
    To respond to your tread, you don't know me and you dont know the situation.Maybe if you did you wouldnt have been so rude. The message might have sounded harsh but you don't know my husband or me so please dont judge me by a person who was blowing off steam.

    Are you marriage? Do you have any experence on the matter
    I wonder.........................
    Lacie,
    Yes, I'm married. Been married for 14 years. Marriage does get boring sometimes, but that's when you have to get creative and spice it up a little. Some people may consider my husband boring (and I'm an outgoing type personality), but you know what? He's rock solid; an excellent husband, father, and provider. You said your husband was a good father and provider; that's a quality that a lot of men don't have, Lacie. I count my blessings for a husband that I know he's going to be home every night, isn't going to cheat on me, and will always be there for me and my children. It sounds like you may have that, too. Try to remember what made you fall in love with him in the first place.
    I know you were just blowing off steam, but it also sounded like you were making mountains out of mole hills, especially over the photo album deal. When you post on this board, you're going to get a variety of responses, and not all of them are going to be what you want to hear.
    Good luck to you and your family, whatever the outcome.
  8. by   luckyladyore
    Quote from emmy
    Hi Lacie
    I was wondering how you were doing I wouldn't pay any attention to what I consider to be very nasty responses to your post. I thought that this was a place where people were allowed to vent their worries and concerns and be supported in return, what do I know

    I hope that you both get the help you need as you sound angry and he sounds withdrawn.
    I wouldn't worry about what his family thinks of you, I used to let my mother-in-law stress me out but I just let it all wash over me now. Maybe your feelings about his families treatment of you are at the bottom of your problems. I know my relationship with my husband used to suffer when his mother used to irritate me all the time and now that I don't let her bother me that's a huge chunk of stress gone.
    Anyway I'm probably way off the mark, I hope things get better for you!
    Im glad I'm not the only one that decided to remove my personal feelings my mother in law is sooooo jealous!!!!! I decided to keep everything at a distance remain nice and friendly when I see her!
  9. by   Love767
    The thing is I'm not sure that most people have "a thing" for each other after they've been married for a few years. As I stated in my case I wasn't even attracted to my wife when we dated (she was someone who would listen to my dribble and was sexually liberated). Of about twenty girlfriends in fact she would have been my last pick for a wife (she was a casual sex outlet). However, here we are eleven years later and I'm LUCKY to have her. In fact, I'm much MORE attracted to her now even though she is heavier (and I'm no longer a Greek "self absorbed" Adonis). Perhaps, it's because we've endured so much together, struggled together, laughed and cried toghether. Perhaps, also it's because every time I look at my beautiful sons face I am reminded that, but for her UNIQUE properties that he would not even EXIST. My wife is the greatest blessing of my life, and frankly I was ashamed to even introduce her to my friends when we dated (I've since lost the friends, but kept her).
  10. by   Husband
    Lacie,

    The reason I gave a "typical male response" is because I'm a typical male. Typical males generally try to provide solutions to problems rather than give support so you should have stipulated in your original post that you were only wanted females that totally agreed with you to respond.

    I don't think that your estimate of 85% of people agreeing with you is correct based on the responses, especially if you are including typical males. Also, it wasn't just males who didn't respond the way you were expecting.

    I think that you are a bit sensitive but I'm sorry if you thought my posts were rude so please ignore them and read my new one below...

    You poor woman. Your marriage must be a living hell. Imagine having to live with a boring eunuch who has the insensitivity to allow only one photo of you in his sister's photo album. All men are pigs. Leave the bum. You are too good for him. You need to look after you. Go girlfriend.

    Is that better?
  11. by   Energizer Bunny
    If you can't be nice, don't say anything at all...could that maybe apply to this thread? Honestly, why is it that everyone is attacking everyone around here?
  12. by   MellowOne
    Quote from lacie
    If you find this rude (husband and others) or affensive its your fault...........
    Well, it seems that this is part of the problem. People who see you as part of the problem just don't understand and are bad. As others have said, if you wanted only people who agree with to tell you that you're wonderful and he's a louse, you should have said so. "its your fault." Lacie, is anything at all your fault. Do you have any responsibility for what is occuring in your marriage?

    There comes a point in a husband's life, when confronted with an unsupportive, no sex, nagging spouse that he simply gives up. I'm not saying that you're that way, but your initial post was me me me, and not, "How can I help my husband to be the man that he could be?" It sounds to me like your husband has given up.

    Be well...

    The Mellow One
    www.nursesforbush.org
  13. by   aurora_borealis
    I know a woman who feels pretty much the same about her husband as you do about yours, only she is not leaving him because he supports her and she doesn't want to work. No, they don't have kids. They don't have sex, he's an internet porn junkie which is fine with her. She made her decision, and for some reason it works for both of them....personally I would find that situation a living hell, but to each his/her own. She basically describes her marriage as "it's like living alone only I can't date."

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