I'm almost 30, I already have one child from a relationship that was unhealthy (my son was unplanned as well but he was the best blessing). I've since gone through many good years with my current husband who stepped up and fathered my son even though he was not biologically his.
Two years ago we found out I have PCOS, I don't even ovulate on my own, and when I do it's usually a poor quality egg. Last year we underwent thousands of dollars in fertility treatments. Clomid, trigger shots, IUI, micro IVF. We got pregnant once, which we found out a few weeks in that our pregnancy was ectopic and we had to unfortunately discontinue the pregnancy (which happened right after Thanksgiving of last year).
That being said we haven't tried since that point. I recently had bloodwork done to see about possibly starting fertility treatments back up again, the results were less then stellar. My doctor said if we want to have a baby we need to do it NOW. We're saving up for our next IVF cycle - $12k (since insurance doesn't cover it in our state).
I am about to go through my OB/Peds rotation next semester. This is the rotation I have been dreading - DREADING. The hospital we have clinicals at is very diverse - there is a large low income population where it is not uncommon for women to have 12-16 babies, most of them come to see the new birth of their baby brother or sister, these kids are wearing clothes that are inappropriate sizes, they are dirty from poor hygiene, they are sometimes malnourished because there isn't enough food for them to go around. And I know I shouldn't feel angry at this - because this is the way they live their lives and they are doing the best they can, but at the same time I feel so hurt by this. My husband and I both work, we both do everything we can for our son now, he frequently asks us for a baby brother to play with (he learned that his friends at school have brothers and sisters). Yet nothing we do works. We are trying, we are sincerely trying.
My biggest worry is this upcoming semester is going to put me into a depression - something I don't need prior to an IVF cycle. I'm already stressing about it. I'm already feeling sad knowing I'm going to have to see women who can't afford their child or women who don't even want their child giving birth to something my husband and I have been trying years for.
Is there any way to avoid this depression? Is there any way to look past this? I'll be there 12 hours once/twice a week depending on the week. I need a positive way to look at this. And please don't spout off to me about adoption - I respect people that do adoption, I really really do, but I want a baby with my husband.
Can anyone list some positives to get me through this?
