Things You'd Like To Tell Visitors . . . . and get away with it

1) Yes, I do have to wake your loved up now for meds, vs, FS, nebulizers, etc. I realize they have just had open heart surgery, that big slice in the middle of their chest gave it away. Perhaps if you would leave for more than 5 minutes at a time, they could get some rest.
2) What kind of genius brings a newborn to visit a patient who will be home in a few days?! Oh, right, you were here last year with baby's big brother, letting him crawl around on the floor. The same floor that people poo, pee, bleed and hock lugeys onto.
3) Actually, I have no clue as to when Dr. God will be rounding. But if you find out, can you let the rest of us know, we've been paging him for hours ourselves.

There are no visiting hours at our nsg home. So Ms. M's son, who just got out of prison, can show up at 2am, drunk, screaming b/c mom STILL isn't up and walking. I really want to say, "No S____, Sherlock! While you were in prison, mom had a bad car wreck, then a stroke during surgery, and now she is nonresponsive with a trach and a peg tube." But then what do you say after you tell him this (minus the No S___ Sherlock part), and he says, "Well, I'll be back tomorrow nite, and by God, she'd better be up walking, or I'm gonna sue the hell out of you guys." (This said as he is leaning on the wall to avoid falling in the floor) Unfortunately, he is not a drunk who forgets what he said, so the next nite he is back, less drunk, with the same thing.

What in the world do you say to such ignorance?

I think that I would be telling Mr Jim Beam to go home and sober up before coming in to see Mom. I also think that calling 911 would not be totally out of line in this case. Honestly, some people are so clueless it makes you wonder how they live into adulthood.

Just because you and your morbidly obese wife have decided that she should go to rehab instead of home with her wound vac, doesn't mean that your insurance company will agree with you. I don't care that the attending told you about rehab before surgery, he didn't write anything about it after surgery. I can arrange for you and patient/wife to go home, but if you want to go to rehab without insurance approval, be prepared to pay out of pocket.

Please do not control the call light and/or PCA for the patient. I understand you can't hear the TV when mom has the call bell, or you don't want her to get addicted to pain meds, but hold if you hold the call light, she can't let us know that you are falsely imprisoning her and making her suffer in pain! SHE is the patient, not you, and I don't care what you've read on some message board or what uncle Jim-Bob's third cousin's wife's best friend told you, your 70 year old mom is NOT going to become a drug addict from a few days of post- op pain meds. Get over it.

Well, I'd like to ask them:
Do any of you actually work?
Mobs of you are here every day, all day long and then you even have the nerve to fight and argue with me when visiting hours are over.

I'd like to tell them:
R-E-L-A-X.....Your loved one is only here for a couple of days and then will be home. Buzz off! You can visit and dote on him/her 24/7 at home.

How nice of you to come and visit your 90 year old mother, just because the hospital room has cable and you don't. And thank you for that request for towels and linens and extra pillows, I thought you wanted to clean your mother up, sorry my mistake, you wanted them for yourselves while you took a shower with your boyfriend in mom's bathroom, then decided to snuggle up together while you watched the cable TV.

Yes, the nurse knows you'd like to see her before you go to work (at 7:05 am) it's change of shift and she can't take your request that your mother be given a diet pepsi instead of diet coke at lunch time right now, they'll be done by 7:30, feel free to take a seat and quit whining. (Apparently, as a student nurse I'm not qualified to take drink orders).

"Please, for the love of all that is holy, go home and take a BATH!"

"It makes me want to vomit when I see your barefoot kids running around on this nasty carpet."

"About those barefoot kids, could you possibly take them somewhere else so they don't almost trip the staff who are trying to work?"

"Newborns just don't belong in a hospital visiting grandma with MRSA. I really want to report you for endangerment."

"No, you may not bring 30 of your closest family members and decimate our patient snack supplies. Go home."

Just because I'm British it doesn't automatically follow that I am a huge fan of the Beatles, and NO I never saw them play live - I'm not that old... and I do NOT appreciate having to listen to horrendous renditions of the Beatles' repertoire whilst trying chart (thereby avoid overtime and the wrath of the managers). Please either take singing lessons or shut the f*** up! My apologies, but this scenario has been played out more than once... and NO I have never met the Queen...

"What part of "your loved one was in a horrific crash and we're fighting to keep them alive, so NO, you can't come in at this particular moment! We will let you back as soon as we can, but for right now, we don't need anybody DFO'ing on us (done fell out) 'cause you just can't handle it. You gave him the heroin and reefer that got him in this situation, you can wait outside until we get the ICP bolt inserted."

"Well, dumba**, if you had not untied your intubated, DT'ing father's hands and got in his face and shouted at him like he was deaf, not drunk, he might not have extubated himself. As is, we're trying to get him RE-intubated, so unless you want this tube where the sun doesn't shine, MOVE IT!"

"And who's brilliant idea was it to bring the 6-month pregnant woman in with premature labor and serious eclampsia downstairs to her MRSA-positive mother's ICU bed so she could be present while her Momma was dying...without the knowledge or consent of any RN on either unit??"

"Honey, nobody forced those drugs in you nor that alcohol down your throat. I'm sorry you hurt, but I have given you everything in my arsenal, to the point that most people would have ceased breathing. Why don't you concentrate on calling your attorney, seeing as how this is your SIXTH arrest for DUI??"

***All true stories, not meant to sound uncaring or uncouth, but the idiocy that we see by people who have no regard for the consequences of their own decisions is just astounding.***