The Humorous Nurse Speaks - pg.2 | allnurses

The Humorous Nurse Speaks - page 2

As a lifelong student of human foibles, I often find myself marveling at the number of undignified situations we blunder into on any given day. I mean, have you ever been so excited to meet a... Read More

  1. Visit  BostonTerrierLoverRN profile page
    4
    Welcome to the Southern Medical Terminology they didn't teach at my University: (I have added Southern Dialect for you above the Mason-Dixon Line.)

    Make Water(v) MAYK WAH*TUR to urinate. Ex: Since Billy Bob's getting older he has to get up many times each night to "make water", or he will make water in the bed.

    Nature- (n). NAY*CHER Ones Sexual Drive, or ability to have healthy and or usual length sexual activities whether alone or with other. Ex: John Boy doesn't know if his "nature" is decreasing because of his blood pressure medications, or his wife's night cream face mask

    .Fix'n To: (v.) FIK*SEN TOO. A Plan to Do Something; expectation of. Ex: Ma'am, I have made so much water that this foley bag is fix'n to bust! I'm fix'n to ask my doc for a help'n (RX) of "nature" medicine (Viagra/Cialis), cause those Norvasc are making my (spare you some dialect here) only good for making water.

    Crud-(n.) KRUD. A southern illness that covers everything from Flu, Colds, and Fevers, to runny noses and muscle aches. Ex: Betty Sue won't be leading women's group tonight because she has the "Crud" that's been go'n around.

    Some More:
    I've had several little southern African-American ladies tell me, "I got demons in my stomach." I didn't really want to let them out on my ward, but what's a nurse for if we can't exorcise "stomach demons."

    I learned "Flaming Balls of Hell are Gall Stones.
    Gouch-Uric Acid Gout.

    Extra funnies:
    Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
    2.Tumor - More than one.
    3.Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
    4.Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
    5.Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
    6.Barium - What doctors do when patients die.
    7.Dilate - To live long.
    8.Benign - What you be after you be eight.
    9.Genital - Non-Jewish person.
    10.Node - I knew it.
    11.Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.
    12.Seizure - Roman emperor.
    13.Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work.
    14.Enema - Not a friend.
    15.Tablet - A small table.
    16.Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.
    17.Secretion - Hiding something.
    18.Hangnail - What you hang your coat on.
    19.Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
    20.Varicose - Near by/close by.
    Last edit by BostonTerrierLoverRN on Nov 12, '12 : Reason: teknikal ishews and SpeL' n
    rural_nurse, blackfire, nkochrn, and 1 other like this.
  2. Visit  BostonTerrierLoverRN profile page
    2
    I had to add, SPLART, which is pretty self explanatory. It's the result of "trapped gas," escaping with Solids, . . .well, Semi-solids
    silverbat and VivaLasViejas like this.
  3. Visit  Flyboy17 profile page
    2
    My personnal favorite. After checking on a patient and his access site after a cardiac cath, his phone rings and as I am walking out of the room he tells the person on the phone "Ahh I'm fine, Doc said I have unstable vagina." I am glad that I was walking out of the room.

    Jonathan RN
  4. Visit  BostonTerrierLoverRN profile page
    4
    I heard a joke that was on the same line as that.

    (A elderly couple on their honeymoon) Coming out of the bathroom in her new bought nighty says, "We're going to have to go easy, my physician told me I have Acute Angina."

    Hard of hearing, the elderly groom states, "We'll that's a good thing, because those are some of the ugliest boobies I've ever seen!"
  5. Visit  nkochrn profile page
    0
    These are hilarious! Love reading all of them.
  6. Visit  BostonTerrierLoverRN profile page
    8
    Once I got pulled to the psych unit, and upon admitting a guy who seemed very intelligent, and saner than me, I prepared his room, and headed back to the nurses desk to finish his admission paperwork.

    Upon noting I forgot to ask if he used any tobacco, I hit the call light button to speak with him. Mr. Xxxxx, do you use tobacco? . . .
    No Answer.

    Mr. Xxxxx, louder now, do you smoke or use other tobacco? . . .

    after a verbal sigh, he relented, . .

    "Listen close, I'm only going to say it once, No! Now you shut up, they check on me every 15 minutes, and I don't want to get caught talking to a freaking bed, ALL THE REST OF YOU HEAR ME?"

    I looked at the camera monitor to see him addressing the rest of his furniture. "Okay, good. I'd like it to stay this quiet."

    I was so glad that was the only question I had for him. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was me, especially since he looked so content he was able to quiet the questioning voices of his curious furniture. The bed never said another word, at least that I know of.
    silverbat, Orange Tree, valgraves, and 5 others like this.
  7. Visit  tryingtohaveitall profile page
    3
    This wasn't from work but was cute enough to share. Recently I helped chaperone a large group of 6th graders to a science museum. During the Life exibit there is a video of a newborn being circumcised. Apparently it wasn't obvious to the 11 year old boys what they were looking at initially. I heard one of them say, "Look! An outie belly button!"
  8. Visit  beckyboo1 profile page
    6
    Quote from BostonTerrierLoverRN
    I had to add, SPLART, which is pretty self explanatory. It's the result of "trapped gas," escaping with Solids, . . .well, Semi-solids
    as some of my elderly pts have said, after age 70, never trust a fart! LOL
  9. Visit  Twinmom06 profile page
    5
    Quote from BostonTerrierLoverRN
    I had to add, SPLART, which is pretty self explanatory. It's the result of "trapped gas," escaping with Solids, . . .well, Semi-solids
    around my house that's a Shart!
  10. Visit  teeniebert profile page
    3
    Quote from beckyboo1
    as some of my elderly pts have said, after age 70, never trust a fart! LOL
    Or after cholecystectomy...
  11. Visit  VivaLasViejas profile page
    1
    Quote from teeniebert
    Or after cholecystectomy...
    You can say THAT again!!
    BostonTerrierLoverRN likes this.
  12. Visit  BostonTerrierLoverRN profile page
    2
    Women don't fart??!!!

    Their shoes tear or squeak, and it's never on purpose- just "slipped out."

    I have seen them all during my tour of duty. The walking farts, the cough and sneeze disguised fart, the silent but deadly, . . .

    And my least favorite, the follower. That's the one that goes with you out of the room, and even though your innocent, your colleagues give the evil eyes (watered of course, depending on what was on those trays).

    By the way, am I the only nurse that has to turn away to lift the lid off a breakfast tray? Only hospital food.

    This may be the most ADD post I have ever made!!
    Last edit by BostonTerrierLoverRN on Nov 12, '12
    Kdrenee and VivaLasViejas like this.
  13. Visit  Ccc5469 profile page
    3
    Quote from BostonTerrierLoverRN
    Once I got pulled to the psych unit, and upon admitting a guy who seemed very intelligent, and saner than me, I prepared his room, and headed back to the nurses desk to finish his admission paperwork.

    Upon noting I forgot to ask if he used any tobacco, I hit the call light button to speak with him. Mr. Xxxxx, do you use tobacco? . . .
    No Answer.

    Mr. Xxxxx, louder now, do you smoke or use other tobacco? . . .

    after a verbal sigh, he relented, . .

    "Listen close, I'm only going to say it once, No! Now you shut up, they check on me every 15 minutes, and I don't want to get caught talking to a freaking bed, ALL THE REST OF YOU HEAR ME?"

    I looked at the camera monitor to see him addressing the rest of his furniture. "Okay, good. I'd like it to stay this quiet."

    I was so glad that was the only question I had for him. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was me, especially since he looked so content he was able to quiet the questioning voices of his curious furniture. The bed never said another word, at least that I know of.
    Omg that is so funny!
    poor thing he didn't wanna get caught! Lol


Nursing Jobs in every specialty and state. Visit today and find your dream job.

Visit Our Sponsors
Top
close
close