Patients Say the Darnedest Things

[allnurses]

With some of the things patients say, Nurses sometimes wonder if they are on a hidden camera TV show! Weird, wacky or even touching, those phrases stick with us. Think of your favorite thing a patient has said, submit it in the comments below and you'll be entered to win a $250 amazon.com gift card!

Winner will be announced May 16, 2017

UPDATE June 5, 2017

The winner of the $250 amazon.com gift card for favorite thing a patient has said from allnurses.com is user jndmj30 for:

Nurse: "do you check your blood sugar at home?"

Patient:"I used to but all it ever said was High"

Congratulations!

2017 National Nurses Week - 7 Days of Giveaways

[Ldraham]

When beginning to straight Cath a male patient he threw both hands up in the air and said "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." 😂

[Davia, BSN]

I was taking care of a patient and she had multiple request. She wanted to speak with her sons. She was frauted about not being able to dial there nimbers correctly. I assisted her in making the calls. She then replies "Thanks you deserve a tip !" I said no you are paying me the tip when you get your hospital bill. She then replies" I said take it. I can't take it to the grave with me anyway!

[PACnurse1]

Triage Nurse at call center: Epitomy of cross training

Incoming call from pt

Patient: My German Shepherd ate my entire bottle of Norco.

Can you help him?

Nurse response: I was tempted to go into suicide triage protocol

Is Lucky depressed? however I responded:

I am sorry but we only triage human being please call your local vet.

[OyWithThePoodles, RN]

First grade Diabetic kiddo in my office waiting for glucose to come up.

Me: "Ugh, Johnny my chair keeps going down on it's own!!!"

Johnny: Doesn't even look up from iPad, shrugs and says "Maybe you're just too heavy and it can't handle it anymore."

Me: Stink eye to Johnny. "Thanks bud."

For the record: I weigh 125 lbs. My chair is just stupid.

[mikajean08]

"All of the good men are either gay, married, or in prison."

I thought it was "dead" ? hahah

[jhdance9091]

I'm a Nurse so I can make it painful and it Will be legal.

[imenid37]

Labour Patient to drunken visitor who vomited all over L/D triage bathroom. "Leave that for the nurse. They clean up puke all the time. They don't mind. Besides, they won't even know it was you!"

[steph_1723]

Morbidly obese male patient needs a bed bath.."It's not often I have two beautiful women giving me a bath." (not appropriate and barf)

[Millerdawn2]

I had to straight cath a patient one time for a urine test and I told him I'll try to be quick and gentle and he said " Oh don't worry, this is nothing. In the army all I heard was bend over". Lol I turned bright red.

[Edclem4, BSN]

Do you wear panties?? Well, you need to go out and get some of these right now!! They come up under your boobs and don't slide down.

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

Patient: "I'll be right back! I have to leave to go to my methadone clinic right now but I will come right back".

This was an ER that we spent over an hour and several attempts to FINALLY get IV access.

Nurse: "If you leave you will have to sign out AMA and we will have to remove the IV before you go. You can come back and start the process over if you choose".

Patient: "You can leave the IV in, really. I'll be right back after I get my methadone."

Nurse: "It doesn't work that way".

True story. It takes a lot to amaze me. Hearing this patient at first rendered me speechless. She was dead serious too.

You know, of course, that she was probably going to go shoot up.

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

I'm a Nurse so I can make it painful and it Will be legal.

Don't you believe it. Read "assault, battery" if you make your angry, superior attitude known. Just saying.

I know you're likely just kidding and wouldn't do anything even close to illegal, but not everyone is going to understand and take it in stride if you go around saying that mess.