Marriage to a Nurse-- Need HELP - page 5

Hi everyone. I am nto a nurse, however I am in a serious relationship with a Student Nurse. We have been talking marriage for some time now but she needs to graduate school. She will be done with... Read More

  1. by   Dinith88
    Better call the wedding off. She'll work screwed up hours. She'll get blood-puke-poop-snot-and alot of other stuff splattered on her. She'll work holidays. She'll be at risk for needle sticks. She'll be exposed to lots and lots of infectious disease. She'll be at higher than normal risk for being addicted to drugs/alcohol. She'll be stressed out alot. She'll work with horny-*** doctors that will try and hump her.

    Dude, better get out while you can.
  2. by   eb_rn
    nursing is about helping people....plain and simple. some of the things in ER really happen like the show portrays, but a lot of it is overdramatized, it is a drama type show.....and yes nursing has its risks, but it also has great rewards. i dont mean financially, or that the benefits are good. yes, job security is pretty much a definite.....and versitillity and all the other things listed in ur responses here. but what im talking about is the fact that a nurse walks into a room and provides a friend, a person to talk to, a person who understands the condition.....a nurse helps someone, possibly on his/her worst day of his/her life. my guess is that this is the driving reason ur fiancee wants to be a nurse. and nurses are difficult to live with at times. it is difficult for us to explain why we feel great about a full cardiac code that ended with the best possible outcome, even if the best possible outcome sounds gruesome to you. it is also difficult for us to explain the saddness we feel when we lose a patient to death. ive been told, "its not like she was related to you or anything." We get attached to our patients. as far as holidays go, why cant u spend christmas diner with her at the hospital. u said u wont have family. what better place to understand the true meaning of giving than spending the holidays in the hospital with people who cant have the perfect holiday with their family? i couldnt give up my career for anyone, and would be offended if anyone asked me. i understand u arent trying to oppress her dreams or anything. but this is my view on nursing. the best benefits of the job are the people you get to help.
  3. by   Altra
    Quote from Dinith88
    Better call the wedding off. She'll work screwed up hours. She'll get blood-puke-poop-snot-and alot of other stuff splattered on her. She'll work holidays. She'll be at risk for needle sticks. She'll be exposed to lots and lots of infectious disease. She'll be at higher than normal risk for being addicted to drugs/alcohol. She'll be stressed out alot. She'll work with horny-*** doctors that will try and hump her.

    Dude, better get out while you can.



    Sorry ... that just cracked me up.

    I'm wondering if what NeedAdvice is getting at isn't so much the specific statistical risk of needlesticks, etc. ... but a culture clash. As a "refugee" from the corporate world, and now a nursing student, I can tell ya - they can be different planets.
  4. by   mitchsmom
    Even if nursing turns out to be a pain in the a$$, you can let her do what she wants to do, or convince her to do something else and live with an unhappy person and a bad conscience. Or you can not marry her. In that case, she'll probably know right away that you weren't the right one anyway and you can be happy that you didn't marry the love of your life because, well, the night shift would have been intolerable. Even if you know nothing about the medical field, you know that nursing is a pretty mainstream profession, I don't really see why you'd be that concerned by it. I am not trying to slam you, but something about your post just doesn't sit right with me. I read it a day or two ago and I still can't put my finger on it. I guess it's good that you are planning ahead, but maybe it's just that it seems too planned for someone that should be madly in love. It seems like there is a bit of a controlling tone in there somewhere - call it planning, concern or whatever - the point is you said "the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk.".. if you aren't sure because of that then maybe you just aren't sure period. One thing is for sure, there will be "pitfalls" here and there in any marraige no matter what - in my opinion any mainstream career choice isn't going to affect that in a make-it-or-break-it kind of way. There are "pitfalls" and advantages to most careers. If you can't weather them then you probably aren't going to weather the whole Marraige thing very well. It's good to plan for a nice lifestyle, but you have to give your partner happiness and freedom as well, and be prepared to give and take a lot to achieve that. You are probably going to be disappointed with marraige/a partner if you think you are going to craft and mold a certain image because that ain't the way it works. There are going to be all kinds of forks in the road, along with the easy times and the stabbing knives too. Anyway, this stuff about her and the nursing profession is just now occurring to you after dating for 3 years? Like I said, there's something about the whole scenario that's eluding me. Maybe a counselor or someone whose life experience and judgement you trust and respect could help you sort it out. And certainly shadow a nurse if you are just curious and uninformed, but somehow I don't get the vibe that this is at the root of things. Best wishes to the two of you. Hey, invite your girlfriend to join us here on the boards!
  5. by   mitchsmom
    originally posted by dinith88
    better call the wedding off. she'll work screwed up hours. she'll get blood-puke-poop-snot-and alot of other stuff splattered on her. she'll work holidays. she'll be at risk for needle sticks. she'll be exposed to lots and lots of infectious disease. she'll be at higher than normal risk for being addicted to drugs/alcohol. she'll be stressed out alot. she'll work with horny-*** doctors that will try and hump her.

    dude, better get out while you can.

    Quote from mlos


    sorry ... that just cracked me up.
    me too!! lolol
  6. by   MryRose
    My husband has an extremely busy schedule and some weeks we have only a few hours a day together. It's not all work! Some of it is his hobbies! These are things he really enjoys doing and I love that he is a happy guy. He does special things for me too... sometimes I have more of his time, but when softball season begins.... or tennis season, he is one the go. Sometimes I get grumpy and I let him know I need some time.... I'm only human too. But for the most part, we support each other's endeavors. Heck he puts up with me studying all night for school sometimes too. It flows back and forth for us..... and sometimes we have too much of each other and make the other "go do something" lolol We just know that we both have to be flexible and take care of each other best we can.

    If you truly Love someone, then let them be who they are and let the marraige develop around you both. There should not be one partner who has priority.

    Best Wishes,

    MaryRose
  7. by   bukko
    Quote from Dinith88
    Better call the wedding off. She'll work screwed up hours. She'll get blood-puke-poop-snot-and alot of other stuff splattered on her. She'll work holidays. She'll be at risk for needle sticks. She'll be exposed to lots and lots of infectious disease. She'll be at higher than normal risk for being addicted to drugs/alcohol. She'll be stressed out alot. She'll work with horny-*** doctors that will try and hump her.

    Dude, better get out while you can.
    Dude -- you forgot to ask NeedsAdvice for his fiancee's phone number!
  8. by   gypsyatheart
    I'm with mitchsmom....something just doesn't sit right with your posts. Can't quite put my finger on it, though....

    I am interested in knowing if your girlfriend/fiancee knows you're on this site/BB with all of these concerns/issues? You state that you and she have discussed all of this and that she is currently working as an MA/aide. What is the problem...you don't believe her? I think I would be really peeved off to find my SO, coming here to "check out" my answers.... (and that you didn't "trust me", you go to complete strangers for answers...)
    Also, apparently, she already has a pretty hectic schedule with nursing school, work, etc. Things are always going to better when one is out of school, but she must already be doing shift work..... I guess I just don't get what your true objective is....
    Sorry to say, and I'm not at all slamming you, just offerring an objective opinion, but you really do sound very controlling. You sound like you are only interested in a wife who will be subservient to you...waiting for you with a drink in her hand, dinner on the table, etc., the minute you walk in the door. I'm even wondering if you want her to work...it was really odd the way you phrased the statement..."...we had only been dating 3mos and she TOLD me she was going to nursing school. To soon in the relationship for us to discuss it....." Like you expected her to ask your permission or something? But for the fact you had just started seeing her, you really wouldn't have supported that decision? I really don't think you do support her. You may indeed love her, but it seems like you are very immature and are only considering your own needs. Don't you realize that whatever your fiancee chooses to do, she is going to have her own life/interests/friends? Just as you should. Everyone needs their own interests, married or not. To what extent those are pursued is individualized for each and every relationship. However it is extremely unhealthy for one person to look to another for complete fufillment of every need/want/desire.
    It sounds like you are really scared of being with a strong, independant woman. One who is capable of making her own choices and making her own path. I wonder if there isn't some level of co-dependance in your relationship..... Again, there is more than meets the eye here...IMO.
    Well, good luck, my advice...seek couples therapy before you guys progress.
  9. by   zambezi
    There has been some good advice in these threads...when it comes down to it though, you and your fiancee are just going to have to sit down and discuss what your expectations of each other/marriage/life together means to you. I got married just after nursing school and have been married just over a year now. My husband and I dated while I was a full time nursing student while also holding down a job and playing college sports. Yea, it was a busy time, we only saw each other at night...but we knew that it was a means to an end. The great thing about nursing is that it is flexible. But you will also have to be flexible while she finds her niche. She may have to start our working nights. I currently work nights and it was an interesting schedule to get used to, but now my husband really likes it. We don't have any kids yet so he can have his buddies over on the nights that I work and have a "bachelor" night...he can play video games and watch the war movies that he loves and I hate. He enjoys the time to be by himself. I work two day on, two days off, four nights on, and yes- six days off. By the end of my week off, I think that he is ready for his alone time. We don't get to spend too much time together on my four day stretch..he leaves as I am getting home and I leave as he is getting home- you just get used to it. He does have to be quiet the days I am sleeping though If you love each other, you will make it work. Plus, if she hates her schedule, chances are that she can do something to make it better. She will never be without a job, she will have many options, she will probably make decent money. There will be a compromise on holidays but again you can make your own traditions...holidays are special because of who you spend them with, not becuase they are on a special day. I can't really speak to having kids and nursing but almost everyone I work with has kids of all ages and they make it work (usually with less childcare than their full time 8-5 counterparts).
    As for diseases...well it is just a risk that comes with the job. But if she practices safely, chances are that she will be safe.
    I applaud you in taking time to find out what nursing is about before you make the committment of marriage (even if you did sound just a little needy/controlling in your first post )--if you truly do love your fiance, support her in what she does, listen to her when she needs to talk if she has a rough day/night (something my husband won't do unless I really need to talk-he gets grossed out by anything hospital), be proud that she is a nurse, realize that nursing school does eventually end, and make it work!! The best thing that you can do it talk with her about your concerns, only you two knows what works for your relationship-
  10. by   NeedAdvice1234
    Quote from Dinith88
    Better call the wedding off. She'll work screwed up hours. She'll get blood-puke-poop-snot-and alot of other stuff splattered on her. She'll work holidays. She'll be at risk for needle sticks. She'll be exposed to lots and lots of infectious disease. She'll be at higher than normal risk for being addicted to drugs/alcohol. She'll be stressed out alot. She'll work with horny-*** doctors that will try and hump her.


    Dude, better get out while you can.
    I am so glad that so many people found this posting amusing. I in fact did not. Considering I am a jelaous man and as a child my mother left my father for a doctor and wound up with a drug addiction. SHE WASN"t a Nurse. I think this wound up being the wrong forum to seek advice from. Some were of great help and I did sit down with my fiancee and talked this over. Now after such postings like this... i realize that noone here really cares about giving gret advice. They try to analyze me thinking I am controlling or needy. Well if I want to have a life with my wife and enjoy her and be able to talk about our days over a family dinner is considered needy or controlling then I am.
    I came to this forum to find out how peoples lives really are, how they deal with missing out on birthday parties for kids or missing them opening presents on christmas. Or even cancleing plans to go to visit relatives on holiday because of being called last minute to work. But what I got was some nasty remarks from people trying to analyze me. Some of you were great and very helpful in alot of my decisons. But its postings like this that bring back the pain from my childhood that make me now consider if I want to take a chance and go through it again.

    My fiancee does know about this posting and she was upset at first because she felt I didn't trust her responses. After learning about what was said she was glad I came here because she learned alot about what she really wants to do.

    None the less she was willing to dropp out of nursing to ensure we would be toghether...This was never my intention..My intention was to figure out what will happen...

    After this posting I guess I know.....

    P.S I hop to god I die before I ever need a nurse if this is how nurses treat people who turn to them for help!
  11. by   Energizer Bunny
    Quote from Rustyhammer
    If you truly care about her you'll let her follow her path.
    Here you are thinking about marriage and yet you want to keep her from what SHE wants to do.
    Would you be willing to change your livelyhood to fit around her schedule?
    You should think about this.
    -R
    Bravo! Love your response! I am a student and my husband is doing everything he can to support me. We have three small children to take care of and this is no easy feat, trying to figure out childcare around both of our schedules etc. (and I am not working the shift work yet!) you do what you gotta do. If you really want to be with her, you will adjust.
  12. by   Energizer Bunny
    Quote from NeedAdvice1234
    I am so glad that so many people found this posting amusing. I in fact did not. Considering I am a jelaous man and as a child my mother left my father for a doctor and wound up with a drug addiction. SHE WASN"t a Nurse. I think this wound up being the wrong forum to seek advice from. Some were of great help and I did sit down with my fiancee and talked this over. Now after such postings like this... i realize that noone here really cares about giving gret advice. They try to analyze me thinking I am controlling or needy. Well if I want to have a life with my wife and enjoy her and be able to talk about our days over a family dinner is considered needy or controlling then I am.
    I came to this forum to find out how peoples lives really are, how they deal with missing out on birthday parties for kids or missing them opening presents on christmas. Or even cancleing plans to go to visit relatives on holiday because of being called last minute to work. But what I got was some nasty remarks from people trying to analyze me. Some of you were great and very helpful in alot of my decisons. But its postings like this that bring back the pain from my childhood that make me now consider if I want to take a chance and go through it again.

    My fiancee does know about this posting and she was upset at first because she felt I didn't trust her responses. After learning about what was said she was glad I came here because she learned alot about what she really wants to do.

    None the less she was willing to dropp out of nursing to ensure we would be toghether...This was never my intention..My intention was to figure out what will happen...

    After this posting I guess I know.....

    P.S I hop to god I die before I ever need a nurse if this is how nurses treat people who turn to them for help!
    Listen, just because one person posts something like that doesn't mean we are all bad....there isn't much the rest of us can do about a few bad apples. I'm sorry that you were offended in this way.
  13. by   BBFRN
    If you want to get mad at us to give you yet another reason why your wife shouldn't be a nurse, then by all means have at it. And have you thought that you might've gotten so mad at some of these responses because they might have a ring of truth to them?

    Oh, and BTW- jealousy does equal control issues. And the absolute last person to want to be with a Dr. is a NURSE. We spend enough time with them at work to know we don't want to spend our off-time with them.

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