Marriage to a Nurse-- Need HELP

Nurses General Nursing

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Hi everyone.

I am nto a nurse, however I am in a serious relationship with a Student Nurse. We have been talking marriage for some time now but she needs to graduate school. She will be done with her RN by December 2005. As you can see its right around the corner.

Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.

So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.

1. I don't want her to put herself in danger. There appreantly is a lot of disease and virus that are fatal out there. I am afraid if she is working in the ER that she might get AIDS if there is a bleeder and she gets blood in her eye Or if she gets stuck by a needle. So I feel she is in a dangerous postion over this.

2. I see alot of ER jobs out there that require shift work. Since my career bassically allows only for a 8-6 type of schdule. I am afraid that I will never see her if she get stuck on a 7-7 shift or so. The thought of comming home to an empty house and being alone until she has off next frightens me. I want to be able to some home and share each others day. Also we plan on having children so I don't understand how we can have children if she has so many messed up hours.

3. Holidays are important to the both of us. But since we have plans to move from NJ to out west. We will only have each other. Our familys will be behind. I don't really want to spend Christmas all alone.

4. The show ER is scary.... Does any of that stuff actually happen? If not then why is nursing considered one of the highest risk jobs you can have?

Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it is. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?

Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps made a marriage work by having night shift work.

Thank you all in advace.

nnnnnnnnnnn

Specializes in NICU.

The following is going to be typed by my husband, who, as you can figure, is married to a nurse (me!):

From NICU_Nurse's Hubby:

1. There is always a risk, but it's generally small. A television show is not a good indicator of how things actually are.

2. It's going to happen, you probably won't be seeing a lot of her; most Nurses end up doing some evening and night shift work at some point during their careers.

3. Holidays are completely unrealistic. For the first five or six years she's going to be working most of the major holidays. You'll find yourself hoping and praying for a thanksgiving, or a christmas eve, forget about even THINKING of getting every holiday during the year, ain't gonna happen.

4. ER is a joke, it is over dramatized and unrealistic. That said, a lot worse can happen than what you see on ER, and a lot less too. Most nurses who go into ER IMO are usually kind of adrenaline junkies, they like the action that an active ER can bring.

Overall, it sounds like you're not ready to marry this girl, A nurse needs a lot of emotional support from their partners and families, and it doesn't sound like you're ready to give that much of yourself.

What are you going to do when she comes home crying because she lost her first patient and is upset because she is wondering if she could have done more? Or how about that 6 year old burn victim that is giving her nightmares? Are you just going to sit there and say "Yeah, but what about me? I got chewed out by my boss today."

No offense, but nurses have a very high stress job, and they deserve every ounce of support you can give them, and it just doesn't sound like you're ready for that level of commitment.

Just so you know; nursing school is totally different from being a nurse. I didn't have much free time while in school but now it's totally different. LIke someone had said earlier working per diem you make your own schedule and your pay is higher and this is because you don't get insurance benefits. It's really a great way to go if your husband has a good job and has health benefits. Also at my hospital it seems that I am always scheduled for day shift which is 7-3 so if this were her case she would get home before you. Also she has the option of working 3 12's and then having 6 days off afterwards. Overall nursing is very flexible. Nursing is a wonderful profession and she can go anywhere and find a job. Well, good luck to you both and if I were you I would stop worrying about it. Everything will be great!!

My husband (and engineer) and I are both very glad that I went into nursing. Now that we are expecting our first child, I can continue to work until delivery since my job is so flexible. Shift work is great, for you can adjust your work schedule around your life! Additionally, I can take 3 months off after the delivery of the baby (family leave act) & then go back to work part-time and STILL make a good salary. Honestly, for people who want to have it all -- family, career, travel, house --- nursing is an EXCELLENT career choice. I am so, so fortunate to have a job like this.

Right now I work 4 days a week, 8-hour days, including 4 weekend days per month. This gave Rob and I plenty of time together! It's good for the relationship to have time away from one another now and then -- it makes the time you are together more valuable. Plus, it's so easy to plan great vacations or weekend events around a nursing schedule. Now that I'm pregnant, I will work 3 12-hour nights per week -- I will continue to work nights after the baby is born so that he/she will not need daycare, ie.either my husband or I will be at home to take care of the baby.

As for diseases -- nurses and healthcare professionals in general are very cautious about exposure. Standard precautions are used for EVERY pt, even in the ER (which protects the nurse from almost everything). If there is a needlestick, it is still difficult to acquire a disease from someone else -- also, hospitals have excellent protocols to follow for accidental sticks, and someone exposed will be offered treatment. Catching HIV from a pt is very, very rare. It is much easier to catch TB from a person riding the city bus!

Don't worry so much, and support your gal. Look at the advantages of this profession -- she will feel personally fulfilled in her career (which will make her a happier person), will have great flexibility & doesn't have to sacrifice anything for motherhood (more happiness), and she can decide how much money she is going to make & when she is going to make it (since nurses are in short supply and can really decide which shifts they want to work, including holidays -- she will work some holidays if in an ER, but you can adjust celebration around this). If you really consider all this, like my husband you will come to appreciate your wife's career choice.

Specializes in CCU/CVU/ICU.

Better call the wedding off. She'll work screwed up hours. She'll get blood-puke-poop-snot-and alot of other stuff splattered on her. She'll work holidays. She'll be at risk for needle sticks. She'll be exposed to lots and lots of infectious disease. She'll be at higher than normal risk for being addicted to drugs/alcohol. She'll be stressed out alot. She'll work with horny-*** doctors that will try and hump her. :)

Dude, better get out while you can.

nursing is about helping people....plain and simple. some of the things in ER really happen like the show portrays, but a lot of it is overdramatized, it is a drama type show.....and yes nursing has its risks, but it also has great rewards. i dont mean financially, or that the benefits are good. yes, job security is pretty much a definite.....and versitillity and all the other things listed in ur responses here. but what im talking about is the fact that a nurse walks into a room and provides a friend, a person to talk to, a person who understands the condition.....a nurse helps someone, possibly on his/her worst day of his/her life. my guess is that this is the driving reason ur fiancee wants to be a nurse. and nurses are difficult to live with at times. it is difficult for us to explain why we feel great about a full cardiac code that ended with the best possible outcome, even if the best possible outcome sounds gruesome to you. it is also difficult for us to explain the saddness we feel when we lose a patient to death. ive been told, "its not like she was related to you or anything." We get attached to our patients. as far as holidays go, why cant u spend christmas diner with her at the hospital. u said u wont have family. what better place to understand the true meaning of giving than spending the holidays in the hospital with people who cant have the perfect holiday with their family? i couldnt give up my career for anyone, and would be offended if anyone asked me. i understand u arent trying to oppress her dreams or anything. but this is my view on nursing. the best benefits of the job are the people you get to help.

Specializes in Emergency & Trauma/Adult ICU.
Better call the wedding off. She'll work screwed up hours. She'll get blood-puke-poop-snot-and alot of other stuff splattered on her. She'll work holidays. She'll be at risk for needle sticks. She'll be exposed to lots and lots of infectious disease. She'll be at higher than normal risk for being addicted to drugs/alcohol. She'll be stressed out alot. She'll work with horny-*** doctors that will try and hump her. :)

Dude, better get out while you can.

:rotfl: :rotfl:

Sorry ... that just cracked me up.

I'm wondering if what NeedAdvice is getting at isn't so much the specific statistical risk of needlesticks, etc. ... but a culture clash. As a "refugee" from the corporate world, and now a nursing student, I can tell ya - they can be different planets.

Specializes in OB, lactation.

Even if nursing turns out to be a pain in the a$$, you can let her do what she wants to do, or convince her to do something else and live with an unhappy person and a bad conscience. Or you can not marry her. In that case, she'll probably know right away that you weren't the right one anyway and you can be happy that you didn't marry the love of your life because, well, the night shift would have been intolerable. Even if you know nothing about the medical field, you know that nursing is a pretty mainstream profession, I don't really see why you'd be that concerned by it. I am not trying to slam you, but something about your post just doesn't sit right with me. I read it a day or two ago and I still can't put my finger on it. I guess it's good that you are planning ahead, but maybe it's just that it seems too planned for someone that should be madly in love. It seems like there is a bit of a controlling tone in there somewhere - call it planning, concern or whatever - the point is you said "the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk.".. if you aren't sure because of that then maybe you just aren't sure period. One thing is for sure, there will be "pitfalls" here and there in any marraige no matter what - in my opinion any mainstream career choice isn't going to affect that in a make-it-or-break-it kind of way. There are "pitfalls" and advantages to most careers. If you can't weather them then you probably aren't going to weather the whole Marraige thing very well. It's good to plan for a nice lifestyle, but you have to give your partner happiness and freedom as well, and be prepared to give and take a lot to achieve that. You are probably going to be disappointed with marraige/a partner if you think you are going to craft and mold a certain image because that ain't the way it works. There are going to be all kinds of forks in the road, along with the easy times and the stabbing knives too. Anyway, this stuff about her and the nursing profession is just now occurring to you after dating for 3 years? Like I said, there's something about the whole scenario that's eluding me. Maybe a counselor or someone whose life experience and judgement you trust and respect could help you sort it out. And certainly shadow a nurse if you are just curious and uninformed, but somehow I don't get the vibe that this is at the root of things. Best wishes to the two of you. Hey, invite your girlfriend to join us here on the boards!

Specializes in OB, lactation.

originally posted by dinith88

better call the wedding off. she'll work screwed up hours. she'll get blood-puke-poop-snot-and alot of other stuff splattered on her. she'll work holidays. she'll be at risk for needle sticks. she'll be exposed to lots and lots of infectious disease. she'll be at higher than normal risk for being addicted to drugs/alcohol. she'll be stressed out alot. she'll work with horny-*** doctors that will try and hump her.

dude, better get out while you can.

:rotfl: :rotfl:

sorry ... that just cracked me up.

me too!! lolol

My husband has an extremely busy schedule and some weeks we have only a few hours a day together. It's not all work! Some of it is his hobbies! These are things he really enjoys doing and I love that he is a happy guy. He does special things for me too... sometimes I have more of his time, but when softball season begins.... or tennis season, he is one the go. Sometimes I get grumpy and I let him know I need some time.... I'm only human too. But for the most part, we support each other's endeavors. Heck he puts up with me studying all night for school sometimes too. It flows back and forth for us..... and sometimes we have too much of each other and make the other "go do something" lolol We just know that we both have to be flexible and take care of each other best we can.

If you truly Love someone, then let them be who they are and let the marraige develop around you both. There should not be one partner who has priority.

Best Wishes,

MaryRose

Better call the wedding off. She'll work screwed up hours. She'll get blood-puke-poop-snot-and alot of other stuff splattered on her. She'll work holidays. She'll be at risk for needle sticks. She'll be exposed to lots and lots of infectious disease. She'll be at higher than normal risk for being addicted to drugs/alcohol. She'll be stressed out alot. She'll work with horny-*** doctors that will try and hump her. :)

Dude, better get out while you can.

Dude -- you forgot to ask NeedsAdvice for his fiancee's phone number!

Specializes in Case Mgmt; Mat/Child, Critical Care.

I'm with mitchsmom....something just doesn't sit right with your posts. Can't quite put my finger on it, though....

I am interested in knowing if your girlfriend/fiancee knows you're on this site/BB with all of these concerns/issues? You state that you and she have discussed all of this and that she is currently working as an MA/aide. What is the problem...you don't believe her? I think I would be really peeved off to find my SO, coming here to "check out" my answers.... (and that you didn't "trust me", you go to complete strangers for answers...)

Also, apparently, she already has a pretty hectic schedule with nursing school, work, etc. Things are always going to better when one is out of school, but she must already be doing shift work..... I guess I just don't get what your true objective is....

Sorry to say, and I'm not at all slamming you, just offerring an objective opinion, but you really do sound very controlling. You sound like you are only interested in a wife who will be subservient to you...waiting for you with a drink in her hand, dinner on the table, etc., the minute you walk in the door. I'm even wondering if you want her to work...it was really odd the way you phrased the statement..."...we had only been dating 3mos and she TOLD me she was going to nursing school. To soon in the relationship for us to discuss it....." Like you expected her to ask your permission or something? But for the fact you had just started seeing her, you really wouldn't have supported that decision? I really don't think you do support her. You may indeed love her, but it seems like you are very immature and are only considering your own needs. Don't you realize that whatever your fiancee chooses to do, she is going to have her own life/interests/friends? Just as you should. Everyone needs their own interests, married or not. To what extent those are pursued is individualized for each and every relationship. However it is extremely unhealthy for one person to look to another for complete fufillment of every need/want/desire.

It sounds like you are really scared of being with a strong, independant woman. One who is capable of making her own choices and making her own path. I wonder if there isn't some level of co-dependance in your relationship..... Again, there is more than meets the eye here...IMO.

Well, good luck, my advice...seek couples therapy before you guys progress.

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