Lost my cool

Chin up · Apr 22, 2011

Yes, I would apologize to her tomorrow. But, I would not beat myself up over it. You are human and as hard as we try sometimes to remain calm, our frustrations sometimes gets the better of us. You were not nasty, and your willingness to apologize speaks volumes about your character. Peace!

Nascar nurse, ASN, RN · Apr 22, 2011

I would ONLY apologize for losing my cool. Make sure you are not apologizing for the care. It may be an excellent time for some family teaching too.

birdie22 · Apr 22, 2011

Apologize for the way you delivered the message, but don't apologize for the content. Perhaps the daughter is feeling helpless because she cant help mom. Nonetheless, that does not excuse her for being so demanding.

WIN007 · Apr 22, 2011

So everyone knows what is like to deal with that hyper-vigilant, overbearing family member right? Oh it is soo hard to be patient. I took care of an elderly patient yesterday in ICU. She was in ICU because she had a reaction to a medication. Did fine overnight and was sent back out to the floor. Then today she was doing poorly on the floor and was transferred back down to ICU. (Unrelated to the med reaction). The daughter has been so nit picky about everything since the reaction. Angry that the doctor ordered the med, angry we didn't know the patient would react that way, angry about everything. So angry she fired the doctor... then demanded for him to come back when the patient got sicker.
So as soon as the patient arrived to ICU she was demanding to come back to see the patient... snuck in.... then was in the room nit picking while I was trying to stabilize the patient. I then sent the patient for a procedure. As soon as I got the patient back and was trying to recover her she was demanding to come back in again. It was now after visiting hours and she was making such a stink I said fine send her back here.... Did just she come back?? Noooo about 6 family members came. She was demanding things... saying her mom needed this, wanted that.....Raise her bed... give her a pillow... she needs a drink... there is a new red spot on her face, what is that? mark it! measure it! chart it!!!!
Mom is lying FLAT for a reason!!! Mom was unresponsive and I was trying my best to stabilize her. She got so upset that I would give mom another blanket that I finally went off on her.. Well... I didn't go off.. but I lost my cool...
I told her that mom did not need a blanket. She had a temp of 103 and there is a reason I took her blanket off. She said she sensed I was frustrated with her and I said "Yes I am frustrated. You are demanding things that are absurd at the moment. I'm trying to prioritize your mother's care in order to stabilize her at this moment. We can get to your other requests at a later time." I can't remember what else I said but I know my frustration and aggravation was obvious.
I'm kinda mad at myself for letting her get to me..... sheesh
Should I apologize to her tomorrow?

yeah, probably. Just say you apologize for your frustration;that you were doing your best to ensure her Mom got the care she needed. We've all lost our cool. Learn from it and move on. Like next time, no matter how pesty they are if it's past visitor hours then it's past visitor hours. that way if they complain you're following policy. If they complain here, whereas, you not only have to admit you lost your patience, but also that you had them back their against policy and more than allowed very likely. next time say I'm sorry but only two visitors at a time. And mean it. If they won't oblige, time to call in security.

Bella'sMyBaby · Apr 22, 2011

Why are you mad at yourself for letting her "get to you?"

My question is, Where was Management? Where was Security?

This daughter should have been escorted OUT.

I think you are the one who needs owed an apology.

Things get out of hand quickly when families think they run the show.

Hang in there. I think you deserve a Halo for putting up with her nonsense. :saint:

crb613, BSN, RN · Apr 22, 2011

I am not so sure you need to apologize. You simply set boundaries...which definitely needed to be done. I think you are the one that needs an apology. You probally won't get it, but maybe now you will be able to provide care without being undermined at every turn. Nope! I don't see that you did anything wrong. Good Luck!:)

carolmaccas66, BSN, RN · Apr 22, 2011

OK I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you created some of this situation yourself. Read on before getting huffy!

YOU ARE IN CONTROL! Not the family members, the doctors, the other relatives, nor the patient (though the patient has some say in their care obviously). You need to take a more direct and aggressive approach. Anyone, especially patients and family members, will push you around if you let them.

You need to be more authoritative - you are the person who has the say. If a family member becomes demanding, there are a few things you can do:

1) Always stay calm - very hard. If they become overly aggressive, or look as if they may assault you, get out of there, and call security.

2) Always speak in a calming but clear voice. This works much of the time with psych patients.

3) Ur manager needs to be aware of the situation so that extra measures can be taken to protect you. YOU come first re safety, not the patient and family. Ur manager needs to speak to the family in private.

4) Tell the family only 2 members can be allowed in the room at one time. Ill people NEED REST - explain this to them, well I think ur manager should be doing that. Put a sign on the door if possible.

5) Always leave an exit area for you to escape if anyone becomes aggressive.

6) I would keep reinforcing everytime the families come in re being quiet and respectful. Having the daughter fuss around all the time is not going to make her Mum feel better.

I see so many nurses make themselves victims of families. I don't know what it's like in the US re customer care, but we don't tolerate family members pushing us around down here. We have a no zero tolerance policy in Oz.

ADD: Do NOT apologise! It gives the family an excuse not only to complain about you (as if people need one nowadays), but puts you in a position of subservience and vulnerability re the family, ie: you will be crawling to them all the time. Remember you are in control, not them.

resumecpr · Apr 22, 2011

I think what you said was perfect. It was by no means rude or condescending. You were to the point, and your focus was on the patient.

I would not apologize. I would also make sure I didn't have that patient back again.

Well done, IMHO! =;

JSlovex2 · Apr 22, 2011

if it were me, i would apologize only because if i didn't apologize to the patient or family - i'd be explaining and apologizing to my supervisor later. i would apologize AND explain at the same time.

i'm notorious for losing my cool - especially with co-workers - not something i'm proud of. i can't tell you how many phone calls, text messages, and emails i've made apologizing for things i've said. not really even because i was sorry for what i said, but how i said it. i always feel bad after the fact.

it will be okay.

canesdukegirl, BSN, RN · Apr 22, 2011

Hmmm...this is a toughie. On the one hand, you do want to keep the line of communication open with the family, but on the other hand, you just sent them a message in no uncertain terms that you are trying to deliver the best care possible to your patient, and they are interfering with your delivery.

I would not apologize. Sometimes with people like this, if you offer an apology, they will see it as some kind of validation that their behavior was acceptable. I would just let it go.

Don't be surprised if they end up apologizing to YOU!

15isto2 · Apr 22, 2011

I would not apologise, what they were doing was risking their mothers care and you acted appropriately