is there anything better to say then it's not your fault

Nurses General Nursing

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My best friend just called veary upset about 5 months ago she was working as a nigh gard when there was a harable accandent at her work . Man ran into the of a parked truck big reg (they think he passed out ) at some point he woke up and tried to back the car up and at that point the car and truck burst into flames . My frind and another co-worker of heres tried to pull him out but they could not this poor man cought on fire before 911 could get him out (I cannot even eagen watching someone burn alive) . today she found out that he died she is so upset that she was not able to get him out . I just do not know what to say to her .

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I don't think there's anything much you can say. Just keep telling her it wasn't her fault. She didn't have the equipment needed to cut him out of the vehicle, she didn't have fire-proof safety equipment, and it would probably taken the assistance of several strong men to get him out. She just could not have done anything. It is sad that this happened to her; she obviously is a caring person. Just be her friend and hold her up until she can make peace with herself over it.

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A lot of rescuers deal with stuff like this. Most of it has never struck a nerve with me personally, for which I'm grateful, but for guys I've worked around in both law enforcement and EMS jobs they just have to have time to get past it. There are CISD teams and so forth, and research says they're helpful. Some guys retain it and internalize it. Some guys vent and let it out. Some sob. A few never get past it although I've never seen that firsthand.

Telling them it's not their fault is pointless I feel. I, for one, can't stand people's platitudes. They make me angry, but I think you support the person and in time they'll get past it if they're going to. Saying, it's not your fault, doesn't do much for anybody. It's like a family member dying and saying, "Well, they're in a better place," or something else as ridiculous for them to hear.

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ThatGuy, it's nice that you're tough and all, but the OP's friend is obviously struggling with the pointless guilt that comes along with not being able to help. She seems to think that she failed in some way. If telling her it wasn't her fault is a useless platitude, what would you say? "Just suck it up?"

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Sometimes you really don't have to say anything. Just listen and be there for her to cry on if she needs it. If she's looking for reassurance then give it to her but if she just wants someone to listen to what she's feeling then you can be there for that too.

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Specializes in Professional Development Specialist.

There is nothing wrong with "it's not your fault." Sometimes it's the truest thing you can say, and the thing needs to be remembered. Just listen as much as you can, give them a safe place to vent. Then remind the person that they did everything possible in the worst situation.

ETA- You might remind her that the driver bears the responsibility for their actions, not the person who risked their life. :(

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Specializes in Emergency Dept. Trauma. Pediatrics.

I agree with not saying "it's not your fault". I personally don't care for it and I hated when it was said to me concerning my brothers suicide. If anything, I would say "I don't know what to say, I can't begin to imagine what you are going through, but just know I am here for you."

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Platitudes are OK as long as they're not repeated ad nauseum. Repeating platitudes can come across as a way of saying "shut up about it, already" which, I'm sure, is not the point you want to make at all. If she says "YES! It IS my fault!" it's not going to do her any good for you to keep trying to convince her it's not.

Repeating and rephrasing what your friend says to you can help her understand that you are truly listening and it's OK for her to keep talking. "What I hear you saying is ________. It sounds like it makes you feel _________." "You look like ________ (eg "you look like you're losing sleep," or "you look like you're losing weight. Have you been eating?" Reflect and rephrase, and refrain from any type of judgments.

A person suffering from such an ordeal can experience some serious psychological issues and somebody needs to keep an eye open for her mental health. I hope she's gone in to talk to a counselor and that somebody's making sure she's taking care of her most basic needs and she's not feeling suicidal. Keep your ears open for any hints she may be dropping and be prepared to take her by the hand and bring her into the employee assistance program if she hasn't been there already or if she stopped going prematurely.

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That's tragic... I'm sorry to hear that... the most important thing is you being there for you friend, regardless of what they need.

other than that, counseling would help a lot.

it's not her fault and should believe that and not just know it.

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Specializes in Peds Hem, Onc, Med/Surg.

A lot of rescuers deal with stuff like this. Most of it has never struck a nerve with me personally, for which I'm grateful, but for guys I've worked around in both law enforcement and EMS jobs they just have to have time to get past it. There are CISD teams and so forth, and research says they're helpful. Some guys retain it and internalize it. Some guys vent and let it out. Some sob. A few never get past it although I've never seen that firsthand.

Telling them it's not their fault is pointless I feel. I, for one, can't stand people's platitudes. They make me angry, but I think you support the person and in time they'll get past it if they're going to. Saying, it's not your fault, doesn't do much for anybody. It's like a family member dying and saying, "Well, they're in a better place," or something else as ridiculous for them to hear.

I completely agree with this. Just because it "wasn't your fault" doesn't make your guilt/sadness/pain any less real. When people tell me its not my fault the first thought that pops up in this type of situation is "how do you know its not my fault?" Maybe I could have done something, said something, done something different.

I personally can't stand it when people come up to me and say oh well it wasn't your fault or worse. For example, when my grandmother died and people told me me it wasn't my fault. My grandmother died due to in part food poisoning and guess who gave her last meal? Technically I suppose it wasn't my fault, I was nine but I will always carry that guilt with me.

I hated the oh well it was time for her to go or the she is in a better place. You don't know that! To me it always felt like they were trying to make themselves feel better not me.

Its better that as a friend you be quiet and provide that shoulder to cry on, that ear they can talk to, that person they can hold. Like we all know, silence is golden! :D

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ThatGuy, it's nice that you're tough and all, but the OP's friend is obviously struggling with the pointless guilt that comes along with not being able to help. She seems to think that she failed in some way. If telling her it wasn't her fault is a useless platitude, what would you say? "Just suck it up?"

I wouldn't say anything. I would just support the person and be there to listen. It's got nothing to do with toughness. That's a silly thing to say!

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I agree with not saying "it's not your fault". I personally don't care for it and I hated when it was said to me concerning my brothers suicide. If anything, I would say "I don't know what to say, I can't begin to imagine what you are going through, but just know I am here for you."

I agree with this. Using platitudes is usually more comforting to the person who is listening, and who doesn't know what to say and is very uncomfortable with the conversation.The problem is that when you start saying stuff like this it immediately shuts down the conversation. Who's fault it is is not relevant at all, or any of a hundred different platitudes -- i.e. it was God's will, at least so and so different suffer, he/she is in a better place, everything happens for a reason, no one could have known this would happen, no one could have prevented it, etc., etc. etc.

I remember trying to deal with the aftermath of the suicide of someone I loved (now there's a situation that inspires a whole litany of stupid platitudes) and just sitting there weeping with my sister who did not say a single word but let me go on and on until I wore myself out.

There is nothing you can say that will "fix" the problem. So just lend an ear and try not to be scared of those feelings. Just let your friend know that you will be strong on her behalf until she can come to a place where she can find the strength to move forward.

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