How do you handle rude comments?

Nurses General Nursing

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Long story short, my sister and my mom both have cancer right now. My mom had breast cancer, which is now in her stomach. My sister has breast cancer and she just had a double mastectomy. I have been under a lot of stress, needless to say.

So, when I told a very close friend of mine that my sister had breast cancer, her first response was "does she eat a lot of sugar?" I was shocked. I tend to not know how to respond when people say rude, insensitive things. I have learned there are many different causes of breast cancer. My sister happens to have a breast cancer gene, no not BRCA. Anyway, then recently when I told this same friend about my sister's mastectomy she asked "So does this mean she will be flat as a board??" I just said "yep!!" Then, the more I thought about what she said the more angry I became over the next few days. This friend is not in the medical field, but I think the majority of women know what a mastectomy is...don't they?? So, I chalked it up to ignorance. I discussed it with her later and she claimed she wasn't sure because I have been acting so "normal" about it all, like it isn't very serious or something. I told her I don't cry every single minute about it, but it is very serious. Then same friend asked me if my sister had missed some mammograms. Mind you, I had already told this friend about her diagnosis. The radiologist my sister had missed the cancer on a mammogram. Anyway, I just feel like this friend has pointed all fingers at my sister, like the cancer is her "fault". The "flat as a board" comment is hard to get out of my head. I have been avoiding this friend because of this. She told me she would never say anything to hurt my feelings. Well, then people really need to be careful before they open their mouths!

Then a nurse at work was talking to me about breast cancer. Her sister died from it, so you would think she would be sensitive about commenting on my sister. She actually told me "Did you know the percentage of men leaving their wives after a mastectomy is really high?" Wow. Just wow. I really have learned to be very very careful who I talk to!!

Has anyone experienced this??

One more thing....my so-called close friend was the first person I called when I found out my mom's breast cancer had spread to her stomach...which is incurable. I cried to my friend for almost 20-30 minutes. This was a few months ago. Them, just recently I mentioned to her something about my mom's stomach cancer and the friend said "your mom has stomach cancer??" OMG. My jaw literally dropped. My friend is becoming not so close anymore. This is proof she doesn't listen very well. I had told her my mom was vomiting for over a year...usually people close to you would remember something like that. Or do I just expect too much? Thanks for letting me vent. I have talked to other people with cancer who say they have lost friends because of rude comments. I think my friend isn't as much of a friend as I thought she was.

Put it down to ignorance although I would be angry because the implication is she brought it on herself. You might let her know the number one risk factor for breast cancer is having breasts. People also use simplistic answers to a disease as complex as cancer to alleviate their own fears; if they convince themselves it is as simple as sugar they then can think they are immune from ever getting it. I would have a difficult time being totally polite in your situation.

Ignorance is bliss, I am a bit envious that I don't think just doing xyz will render me immune from cancer.

I frequently find myself wishing I had this ability; I worked in oncology for 10 years, half of my career, I saw patients who had none of the usual risk factors die of terrible cancers and people in their 20's who acquired cancers rarely associated with youth. I heard a woman crying in a room (not my patient) and went in to comfort her, she was losing her hair from chemo.

I let her know I had worked with people receiving chemo for many years, as she did not speak English very well she thought I told her I had cancer also. I told her no then after a moment thought I told her I really do not know since most people do not know until they are diagnosed.

I hate the 'blame game' with diseases. It serves no purpose at all, if I ever acquire lung cancer I am fairly certain it will be resultant of the million and one pack years I racked up as a former smoker so do I get in a time machine + the million and one drinks prior to sobriety. Return to youth armed with the knowledge that I might actually live past 30? I also think people who over simplify cancer do so out of fear, it gives them an easy answer to a complex disease.

Specializes in L&D, OBED, NICU, Lactation.

Like a duck, let it roll off your back. It works wonders in this life and this profession.

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

You will find that often the people you would have thought would have been there for you weren't, and the ones you never expected to be are.

I cannot agree with this one more emphatically! I was truly shocked at how many people I thought would be there fore me when I had breast cancer just shifted to the periphery of our lives and I didn't hear from them. People who I didn't think were as close and wouldn't have thought to depend upon for anything were the ones driving me to radiation therapy when my husband couldn't, bringing us meals, etc. People will surely surprise you!

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
Thanks. I can see now what you mean by my friend maybe thinking to herself " that won't happen to me" because she eats very little sugar. I just wish people would say nothing if they can't say anything supportive. My friend tends to be holistic. she is also anti-vaccine so it's difficult to talk to her about medical things. I won't be talking to her about cancer again, that's for sure. Just makes me sad. You are all right about how you expect certain people to be there fo ryou, but they can't be.

Cancer scares people, and not all of them can react selflessly to your news and provide you with a shoulder to lean on and then go home to worry whether they might get cancer. They want to distance it from themselves first. That doesn't make you feel any better because it's quite obvious that they were thinking of themselves first.

Then there are those who seem to believe that cancer is an infectious disease and they distance themselves so they don't "catch it."

Specializes in LTC, Rehab.

I hate the 'blame game' and the 'oh, if they'd only done so-and-so, that wouldn't have happened' ridiculous thought pattern. My dad and oldest brother both died of different smoking-related causes, and did I think 'those idiots just shouldn't have smoked'? Of course not. Yes, they shouldn't have, but the blame-gamers always make it sound like (whether intentional or not) *they* are perfect, and these imperfect morons did something that was unhealthy. The truth is, addictions of all kinds, (too many) comfort foods, stress, and numerous other factors affect a large percentage of people, whether short-term or long-term, and it just doesn't make sense to me to ever adopt any kind of superior attitude.

I'm so sorry, and you're very much hurting.

I was kinda in the same boat as the friend you cried to who later forgot the stomach cancer. I did that to my friend. Her problems went in one ear and out the other. What she didn't know was I was going through a major trauma of my own I wasn't able to share yet. It took up all my brains space. So I was looking pretty normal on the outside, but on the inside was a severe mental fog.

Giving you cyber hug.

Specializes in Pedi.
Thank you everyone for the kind responses. What hurts a lot is my friend totally forgot my mom has stomach cancer now. I now know my so-called close friend isn't very close. she is dealing with her own family drama so I have to remember not to expect much from her. Her comments were over the phone. I am just not going to talk to her about my family any more. It's been really hard. Emotional roller coaster for sure. It's nice to know I can come here and get support.

Thanks!

Someone I know lost his brother when they were teenagers to a brain tumor. He once told a story of how he opened up to his college roommate about how he'd had a brother who had died. Later that year, the roommate asked him out of the blue if he had any siblings. He said at that point he just said "no" and realized this person wasn't his friend.

Specializes in LTC, Rehab.
Someone I know lost his brother when they were teenagers to a brain tumor. He once told a story of how he opened up to his college roommate about how he'd had a brother who had died. Later that year, the roommate asked him out of the blue if he had any siblings. He said at that point he just said "no" and realized this person wasn't his friend.

That takes the cake on this thread in terms of not listening. Another one of my worst-ever-heard things re: someone losing someone significant was someone telling me several years ago that a friend or relative said 'Aren't you over that yet?' a few months later. Niiiiice.

Specializes in Emergency / Disaster.

You know - I may be guilty myself of "forgetting" something my close friend has said to me. It isn't that I don't listen - but things that are really personal I intentionally forget. I don't want to be the one to blurt out something that I thought was common knowledge. Don't ask how I'm able to intentionally forget things - but I can. I'll remember when prompted - but I can actually forget on purpose.

Also, cancer is catastrophic and scary.

We all hope it won't happen to us.

We also try to see patterns in the world and avoid bad results.

The sugar question may have been prompted by anxiety (do I eat as much sugar as Mrs So-and-so ?).

There is a largely unspoken philosophy that if you do all the "right" things, you can avoid all catastrophes. We see it a lot in parenting (Little Timmy down the street was caught doing drugs? Well, the parents must be to blame somehow!)

But the fact is, we live in a world where bad things can and do occur at random, without warning, and frequently without "red flags".

Anyway, I've learned that it's best not to assume malice or uncaring in other people when there are other plausible explanations.

I love the quote (and I forget who to credit with it) "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you need them to doesn't mean they aren't loving you with all they have to give" or something along those lines.

I adore this so very much, and will be tucking it in the back of my mind.

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