Have you cried?

NICU_Nurse, BSN, RN · Feb 11, 2002

I wasn't being judgemental at all, to clarify. The child is being put up for adoption by the state, not the parents. The mother has six children, all of whom have been taken away from her for various acts of neglect or physical abuse. She is currently incarcerated and apparently has no interest in being a mother. All of these things, however, are beside the point of my previous post, which had nothing to do with criticizing the mother (which, by the way, I would never do- I am in full support of adoption AND abortion, should the biological mom choose either) and which had everything to do with hoping this child has a chance for a future filled with love and tenderness. I have no control over what happens to him when he is discharged from our facility, but I can affect his interactions while I am present in his life.

Quote:

His mother has not called or come to see him AT ALL since he was born, nor has any other member of his family. I just found out that he was being put up for adoption.

I don't think this is enough information for you to consider these comments judgemental or not. I simply stated the facts- this child has had no familial contact since the day he was born. Period. I could have included more information, but because this was not the focus of my post, I chose not to. I would always be happy to elaborate, but I personally prefer to be questioned before being scorned for no reason.

Thanks. ;>)

micro, RN · Feb 11, 2002

I agree with the disagreement.......I don't go into work with the intent to be wooshy, gooshy all over my patients, but I believe in holistic nursing.........I don't even like to cry with my patients, but sometimes the tears just come. IT IS PART OF NURSING. I HAVE EVEN SAW DR.'s get a bit tearry.

What I maybe can discern from what NASDAQ said is the following.........we must "attempt" to stay detached from our patients so that the emotional aspect does not overwhelm our care.........and I have seen as am sure all here have the following.....the heart wrenching+very physical+high acuity care patients are given all the time to the same nurses and this can take its toll on the nurse.......a break away can be helpful.....

but in ending.........I will state.......the day I stop seeing the human behind the eyes of my patients will be time to enter another field.....

VAC · Feb 13, 2002

Great thread.

We are only human, I think it would be impossible to not be affected by what we see. It's the grieving families that get to me much more than the patients. I took care of a 43 year old lung ca post thoracotomy patient who was severly short of breath while on the vent. The only thing I could do was keep medicating her for pain and sedating her . What made me almost loose it was when this lady's husband brought in her 10 year old son and had him sponge her off for her 103.5 temp. The oncologist on the case wrote an order forbidding the staff to discuss DNR status or prognosis with the patient or family. I thought the patient was being tortured with all the ineffective heroic measures. I had to tell myself over and over that I could not change their reality, all I could do was be there, answer their questions, and keep her as comfortable as possible. She died a couple days after I took care of her. Then I learned that the lady's mother was admitted to the hospital oncology floor, sent to ICU right around the same time as the daughter died. The mom's husband didn't want them to die on the same day, so he had her intubated and withdrew a couple days later.

Teshiee · Feb 13, 2002

All of your stories are so touching. Now I realize why I am a nurse, despite the pitfalls we go through there is no profession like we have. God bless you all. :-)

hoolahan, ASN, RN · Feb 13, 2002

Vac, I find that doctors actions appalling! He wrote an order forbidding staff to discuss DNR?? That is in direct violation of a patient's right to be informed, and/or to refuse treatment!! I hope you never have to deal with this again, but in case you do ask for a stat ethics committee meeting!!

Your story is so touching! That poor man and the poor babe, lost mom and grandmom so close to each other. I am glad you were there for them.

Marijke · Feb 13, 2002

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing your story, it is for me what nursing is all about. I am glad you cried, not because I am glad you felt that way, but because you where able to feel at all.

I feel very sad when I read the replies like the one by ladynasdaq, it looks to me like she has lost touch with her human feelings. If a nurse can not feel the anguish, how can she help (read he/she)the patients (clients) and their loved ones.

I have always said if I can not feel anymore, it is time to get out of the profession. On the other hand you can not live with those feelings all the time either, you have to find yourself somewhere in the middle, a balance in your life. I think that is what they call emotional health.

Marijke;)

thisnurse · Feb 13, 2002

burger-i am so sorry about your sister. i dont think you are sounding harsh at all. sounds like she had a fairly fast and "good" death.

im not being insensitive but it did save your sister's children a great deal of suffering. she would want it that way.

when my brother was comatose i would get so angry with myself for not being able to do anything. after all i am a nurse and i SHOULD be able to do SOMETHING.

i spoke with my patients mother the other day. i had him again and im sure he recognized me. she said that he had had surgery and somehow the oxygen got cut off. she said that he wasnt vegetative at first. it was more like a stroke, but he was coming back. he was able to talk slightly and follow simple commands. then something happened and he ended up like this. she said "and this is what my baby is like now"

boy did i choke.

i told her that i think he can understand the things we are saying and that i felt he was somewhat aware of his surroundings. we just dont know the extent. she agreed. i understood then why he is not a DNR. there is a slim slim slim chance that he may come back. he will never be "normal"

but thats ok too. mom called me later that night to see how he was. she never did that before. funny cos when she called i was telling the pt what a nice family he has and how much his mom loves him.

im going to follow up on some things for this pt. i dont think he has ever been evaluated for swallowing. mom says she gives him sips of water. i told her to be very very careful.

secondly i want to get him on a clinitron bed or something similar to avoid further breakdown. im going to assess him further for pain. if his sensations are intact this man has got to be suffering. especially during the dressing changes.

maybe im not as helpless as i had thought

thisnurse · Feb 13, 2002

AND

i think the babies would be the hardest. i dont know if i could let go emotionally. the thought of adopting him yourself has had to cross your mind.

these are the things we give that cant be priced.

another thread asks how we show our faith at work.

this is it.

im proud to call you my sisters

kaycee · Feb 13, 2002

Thisnurse, I'm proud to be your sister!!!!

nightingale, RN · Feb 13, 2002

We have a gift.. The gift to care so much and then we keep on giving! It is a blessing.

I often tell patient's families, that in the dynamics of the three of "us", patient, family, and nurse / healthcare professional, that their role is the hardest. The patient can usually tell you what he/she needs in one way or another, the nurse / healthcare professional can usually figure out what to do to comfort and aide the patient, but the family is often left outside looking in. We do our best to draw the family into that circle of care and for me it helps me to feel that I am leaving the patient in a greater good connected way in enabling the family to provide some of the care and tools for comfort.

How brave these families usually are! That story of the child sponging his mother with a fever makes me want to run and hold my own children and pray that they never have to perform such acts.. but then I too would be denying them the connectedness in the circle of healing.

What we do is about healing, about connecting, and making a difference. Thank you my sisters for reinforcing me of my goals and nurturing my soul so I may be there for the greater good. It makes me feel real and gives so much meaning to my days (even though it can be painful)

I love you guys....

Bonnie

oramar · Feb 13, 2002

Maybe you should ask "who here hasn't cried?"

thisnurse · Feb 13, 2002

nightngale,

what a wonderful perspective you have on the dynamics of three.

i had a patient that is dying. she is DNR, in her 90's and with it for the most part. she is very afraid. her daughters understand what is going on, and they are with her nearly constantly. they lie in her bed with her and they sit with her round the clock. their love for their mom is so touching, especially since its rarely seen. we have many more patients that die alone than we do those with family present. a sad commentary on our treatment of the elderly.

the families find themselves lost. they feel like they need to do SOMETHING, but they just dont know what. having been in a similar situation, i understand that feeling.

and you know these are the ones we almost always feel like strangling..lol

they are at the desk constantly. they look for you when meds are a few minutes late. they come and get you when the IV bag of NSS is getting low. they are quite the challenge..lol

but i always keep in mind PR_N's signature...people may not remember what you say, but they remember how you made them feel.

these daughters will always remember me. id rather them remember me as a source of comfort and a positive part of moms death.