He is only 40 years old. He went to the dentist and coded. They did CPR. Sometimes that's not a good thing.
He is now in a permanent vegetative state.
He has a trach. His secretions are so thick they bubble back out. He needs suctioned hourly, if not more. But that's not why he is in the hospital. It's decubiti. He coded in July. He now has a massive stage 5 on his coccyx. Monday they will debride it. It is infected. It doesn't help that he is diabetic. His left leg now has a stage 3 on the top of the shin, and his back his covered with stage 1's. His heels are breaking down.
He has pink eye in both eyes.
His right arm is contracted.
He has a feeding tube and a foley.
He will never get better.
He will only get worse.
As I bathed him tonight I looked into his big red eyes and I saw him inside of there. He can't talk, but he was there. And the way his eyes locked on to mine was a form of communication, he was telling me he was helpless. No more than that. And he tried to move his mouth and talk but no words came out.
And I sort of hugged him, and I started to cry.
I know that I must sound crazy but I just know what he was telling me with his eyes.
And I have never felt so damn helpless myself, in all of my life.
I am sure the sister will remember you in a very positive way...
When I my own father died, 20 years ago, I was not a nurse; oncology was not at the level of paliative care that it is today.. and he, my father, truly suffered as did I watching him die and feeling so badly... the day he died, I almost went shopping.. yes shopping because I could not "stand it" another day...
I know God pushed me back up to the hospital to be with him even though I wanted to go shopping.. actually bought the subway ticket and everything.. somehow.. I changed my mind (duh) and went back to that hospital floor.... thank you God for givng me the oppourtunity to be with him one more day....
My fathers death was painful because it was cancer.. and because he was afraid to die.... I did not know how to help him.. my faith, at the time, was not really solid as it is now (my peace within) and so I truly was not able to go there with him.. to ease that emotional pain and to really make it better.....
I have since had many conversations with my Dad and I know he is okay now and in a better place... but oh to have had a little comfort at the time.. truly I felt unfinished with his death for years...
In addition, I had a "Terms of Indearment" interaction with the nurse over pain medication.... it was awful... that is really all I want to add to that at this time...
Maybe from that and all the other "health care experiences" I have indured and yes, enjoyed that is the reason I decided to become a nurse as my third career.. probably.... What I do know as certain is that I must treat people as I would like to be treated.... that is all we can expect of our fellow man... fortunately.. for our patients we all offer different "gifts" and talents....
Thisnurse.. I hope to be with a nurse like you when it is my time of greatest need...
To LadyNASDAQ- When someone is an "enabler", he/she is either directly or indirectly helping another person harm him/herself.
How can you view nursing as enabling behavior??? While most of us may question the reason why we care for some patients who are considered "goners", Ours is not to question why.
Ihad a patient in his 30's, brain tumor, many complications, comatose, etc. I cared for him a lot- I talked to him all the time- we talked baseball, current events, music, everything. I KNEW he heard me. He is now out of the hospital, no longer comatose, but not much improved. BUT, when he and his parents stopped by to visit, his eyes sparkled when I spoke to him- he recognized my voice, and remembered our "chats"
While some may not think his life is not worth fighting for. Some may think that caring for him day after day is "enabling". I'll continue to do my best for each and every patient. Isn't that what it's all about?
We are not enablers, we are encouragers, enrichers, energizers...
I've been in this profession for 27yrs now and when I stop crying with my patients it will be time for me to leave. The tears keep coming so I guess it's not time.
kaycee i totally agree I have not been a nurse for all that long(3 years)but while going through nursing school I had a girlfriend who told me I should not be a nurse because I was too emotional. I talked to one of my professors and she told me the same thing as your quote. Emotion is good thing and when I stop showing it its time to find a new profession.
I don't know the URL but you may want to check out this page: Dusty's Home Page. She is an Army Nurse Corp Vietnam veteran. I found her poetry moving as well as disturbing.
This nurse. I have one question for you. Do you feel that crying over this patient hindered your ability to do your job taking care of him? If not, then you are doing him a service. You are showing him that you care. So many times I hear from family members that "you must be "hard" to do this work". In other words unemotional. I think that doesn't work in nursing. You can't get to wrapped up emotionally, but I think you can feel for your patients. They see you as human then. I cried with many a patient and their families. Some times there is a time and place for crying. But I think that it helps also. Nursing is extremely stressful. We are dealing with a lot of issues with our patients, helping them deal with their illnesses or disease. If we keep it all in, we will self destruct
thisnurse, I understand completely. First patient I cried over was 24 years old. Worked Neuro ICU. This young man had been attacked with a baseball bat. He had made the unfortunate choice of dating a young lady with a very jealous ex-boyfriend. The night I knew his brain was rupturing was perhaps one of the hardest moments I have had in nursing. What made it the most difficult though was the family refused organ donation. I felt and still feel that with one moment of anger so many lives were ruined, and even though something good could have come out of it the family simply could not bring themselves to do organ donation. Perhaps looking at some of the patients I took care of later he was the lucky one to have died.
The other patient I will likely never forget is the 88 year old woman who tripped over her walker in the bathroom, fracturing C-1, paralyzed from the neck down. This required her to be vented. She would look at you night after night as intense as a person can and mouth to you, "Let me die, Help me die" she was not a candidate for surgery and therefore stablization of the fracture. She would never come off the vent. Eventually this case went to the ethics committee because it was clear what the patient wanted, but the husband was making decisions because the patient couldn't actually verbalize. When the ethics committee recommended that the hospital actually take this case to court as an advocate for the patient the husband relented. He held her hand and cried, and she mouthed to him that she loved him, we turned the vent off and she never took a breathe on her own. There was not a dry eye in the room. We knew, her husband knew that she was better off, but what a horrid thing and decision this man had to make.
The ability to save lives does not always mean we should. A good cry over these patients will keep you sane.
81 year old post-op open heart with failure to thrive,....typical story,...on the vent,..off the vent. finally trached last week. patient was oriented at times but according to wife has not spoken or even attempted communication since last monday (day before he was trached). today i had a student and we got him up to the cardiac chair. he was more alert today than i have seen him in three days. even smiled a little as i talked to him and cleaned his mouth. wife came in at noon and was very tearful. i asked if she was ok,...she said this is the first time since his last monday his has tried to talk to her. before i knew it,...she was gone. i received a phone call from his primary physician around 14:30 for dnr. he said when the wife arrives,...please take him off the vent, he gave me orders for mso4 and versed, and said just keep him comfortable. at 15:00 i gave mso4 and placed the patient on a trach collar. he still seemed a little restless,..so i gave versed. he settled down and i placed a chair at his bedside for his wife. i sat with her for a while (she has no other family) and listened as she talked about her life with him. she cried a little and so did i....a few friends showed up so i excused myself. i was in and out acouple more times before i left giving more mso4, versed,... and ativan. before i left he was resting comfortably. as i said goodnight,...his wife asked if i worked tommorrow,...i said i do. she said,...well,...if i don't see you again,...thank you for everything you've done, and thank you for caring............
when i left,...he was still there,...maintaining,...but doubt he will be there in the am........
to know i made a difference and could comfort someone in their time of need,.......that makes it all worth it........
I sure understand how you feel. I have been a nurse for 28 years,there have been many times I have cried. I don't really have a story to relay,there are so many I could tell you about. I have always felt that when I lost my ability to cry I would need to leave nursing.
As an ER nurse I have seen much death. A month ago, we lost a 4 month old.A year ago, we last an 8 year old to meningitis and a 9 month old to unexplained causes. Crying is ok. I cried to, on my own time. But the theme keeps recurring... at least we tried to save them. Keep crying, but do not let it debilitate you. As far as your patient was concerned, the outcome really stinks, and the best thing for the patient is to pass away. Everything in this world has an ugly side, and your experience is one of them. Take it as a lesson, keep on caring, and move on with your life (Imean this in the best way.) Good luck.
well......... i have seen this post....and thought about it a few times. everybody cries at some point and time. then the one thing that hit me, from last february.
i had a 41 year old male come into the ed with very little chest pain, diaphoretic, and feeling nauseous. he was a&ox3, with no medical hostory at all! the 12 lead showed st depression in almost every lead (3-4 mm). the cardiologist was called in and opted to take him to the cath lab. when they took him down there and started, they found a huge thoracic, aortic dissection. they stopped immidiately. while the politics at the time caused some issues related to surgery, those are irrelevant r/t this issue.
he was taken to csicu to be held, until a helicopter could show up to transfer him out. while in csicu he started to cough and have trouble breathing....then went into a-fib (as i was there, they asked if we could come down and help). the a-fib was an indicator it was disecting through the coronary arteries towards the aortic valve. then......he started to cough and foam out the mouth......aortic valve tear now present.
we tubed him and could not suction him out, not fast enough to keep up with the amount of fluid. needless to say......the end outcome was the worst.
while stuff like this used to bother me, and over the last few years it doesn't. i guess kind of a "just another code attitude". except he wasn't that old.
what's my point? i was fine through this.........until a girl showed up.....
this girl had met him about a year before this happened. it doesn't matter how, or where they met. point is......he just got a new job he was going to start in 2 weeks. a good job, according to her.....it was the first real job (and job of his dreams) he ever had. to make the scenario even worse he had a three month old daughter with this girl. she had told me they both had been through some (in her words) "not so good relationships" in the past. they could not beleive how great they got along, and (in her words) "how perfect we we're for each other". she said they were so excited...that they were going to start a life together.
on this thursday night at about 11:23 pm that he passed away......they we're supposed to be married on friday (yes the next day)...... and start the life they talked about and dreamed of..........
nightingale, RN
2,404 Posts
thisnurse..
I know what you mean about those families... lol
I am sure the sister will remember you in a very positive way...
When I my own father died, 20 years ago, I was not a nurse; oncology was not at the level of paliative care that it is today.. and he, my father, truly suffered as did I watching him die and feeling so badly... the day he died, I almost went shopping.. yes shopping because I could not "stand it" another day...
I know God pushed me back up to the hospital to be with him even though I wanted to go shopping.. actually bought the subway ticket and everything.. somehow.. I changed my mind (duh) and went back to that hospital floor.... thank you God for givng me the oppourtunity to be with him one more day....
My fathers death was painful because it was cancer.. and because he was afraid to die.... I did not know how to help him.. my faith, at the time, was not really solid as it is now (my peace within) and so I truly was not able to go there with him.. to ease that emotional pain and to really make it better.....
I have since had many conversations with my Dad and I know he is okay now and in a better place... but oh to have had a little comfort at the time.. truly I felt unfinished with his death for years...
In addition, I had a "Terms of Indearment" interaction with the nurse over pain medication.... it was awful... that is really all I want to add to that at this time...
Maybe from that and all the other "health care experiences" I have indured and yes, enjoyed that is the reason I decided to become a nurse as my third career.. probably.... What I do know as certain is that I must treat people as I would like to be treated.... that is all we can expect of our fellow man... fortunately.. for our patients we all offer different "gifts" and talents....
Thisnurse.. I hope to be with a nurse like you when it is my time of greatest need...
Bonnie