Funeral customs

[ShayRN]

I was raised in a very small town and never attended a funeral other than those similar to my own background. I married a Catholic man and the funerals are a bit different than my "WASP" background, but not so much that anything was a shock to me.

I became very close with a Jewish woman at work and have become very close over the last 5 years with an African American woman I bowl with every week.

C, the Jewish woman lost her father last Spring. I went to the funeral and was struck by the "plain" coffin. It was completely wood, it looked to be untreated. Then after the service we walked right out to the cemetary and they lowered the coffin into the ground as people (family and friends) each put a scoop of dirt on top one shovel at a time. I have never seen the coffin actually lowered right into the ground with the family standing there. About 3 monthes later she started talking about a ceremony her family was coming back in town for over one weekend. Apparently, the headstone came in and they have a ceremony for the unveiling. I have never heard about anything like this either.

Then last week my African-American friend lost her father in law. I went to the funeral and let me tell you, I was blown away. There was singing and dancing. They read letters from other churches in the area (the man was a Deacan in the church.) They was celebrating the life of the man rather than mourning the death. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! I called my husband and told him this is what I want! The only thing that I found a bit strange were the 4 women dressed as nurses. They had on all white with the caps and everything. They were walking around passing out tissues. My girlfriend told me the aren't actually nurses, just volunteers who pass out tissues and water and smelling salts in case anyone "falls out."

I found this all to be very enlightening. So, I thought, with all the different regions we have here there are surely some different customs for funerals. How do you mourn the loss of your loved ones? Is it a somber, sad affair or is it a celebration of the life lived?

[mizfradd, CNA]

I sometimes think of cremation and having my ashes sent in an envelope to the IRS with a note that says, "Now you have it all." :innerconf

[ShayRN]

I had forgotten about the 7 days of mourning. My co-workers and I all donated money and took food and drink to C's family. Apparently that is another custom, friends and family provide all the family's meals during that period. I love that!

[softstorms]

There are many ways to come into this world.....We often fine it easier to be born here than to die here. Many world groups are ready to help all become pregnant and follow thru with the pregnancy. There is help to raise children, there are guides to help us to be heathy and happy thou out our lives. But there is no guide to tell us how to die. Most hate to lose loved ones and lose ourselves also. But it is just a fact...

I for one...would like to see more people give as much thought to the way we exit this world as they do the energy they give to people who are born here! You can eat right, do right, live well......but we can not live forever. So? how do you help people see?

[sewnew]

I had forgotten about the 7 days of mourning. My co-workers and I all donated money and took food and drink to C's family. Apparently that is another custom, friends and family provide all the family's meals during that period. I love that!

Yes, that is correct. Actually, Jewish law prohibits the family from cooking any meals during The Shiva (7 day mourning period).

Just a side note, the 7 day mourning period is called the "Shiva" because "Shiva" is the Hebrew word for 7.

[TopazLover, BSN, RN]

There are many ways to come into this world.....We often fine it easier to be born here than to die here. Many world groups are ready to help all become pregnant and follow thru with the pregnancy. There is help to raise children, there are guides to help us to be heathy and happy thou out our lives. But there is no guide to tell us how to die. Most hate to lose loved ones and lose ourselves also. But it is just a fact...

I for one...would like to see more people give as much thought to the way we exit this world as they do the energy they give to people who are born here! You can eat right, do right, live well......but we can not live forever. So? how do you help people see?

To answer your question from my POV: Like so much in the world, we need more communications and education. We need to be able to talk to the important people in our lives and let them know our wishes.

A little story to go along with this. My mother knew she was dying of CA. She wrote her requests, and shared them with all her children. She included the things that were important to her. She stopped having chemo when it got to the point of experimental drugs as she knew she was not a good subject for research. She stopped radiation when it no longer helped with the pain of the growing tumor. She requested a plain coffin and cremation.

The coffin was upsetting to the undertaker who was appalled that her children would not pay for an expensive mahogany casket with brass handles. We had to tell him repeatedly that we would honor her requests. I am sure some of her friends felt we were being cheap.

Her communication to us has shown me that it is the right thing to do to talk to your loved ones. The fact that we are discussing it and will probably share some of these discussions with others will increase awareness, communications, and the possibility of education.

Death is not an option, it is a reality. We all need to be able to share ourselves about this. It is similar to the discussions women have about birth options. Where, how, etc.

[herecomestrouble]

I sometimes think of cremation and having my ashes sent in an envelope to the IRS with a note that says, "Now you have it all." :innerconf

[ktwlpn, LPN]

I've been to an old order Amish funeral.The dead are laid out in a very plain casket in the home and friends,family and neighbors come and bring food.They pray,they sing and they remember good times with their loved one.It's nore of a celebration-they belive the deceased is going to a better place. I also remember going to a Jewsih shiva-the mirrors in the home were all covered.They had a bowl of water and towels outside the front door-we had to symbolically wash our hands before entering.Not sure why that is significant. We caref for a Korean women in LTC-after she died the family brought clothes and a new pair of shoes for us to dress her in-new shoes for her journey. I am so fascinated by funeral customs and events surrounding death in other cultures.We try so hard to pretty it up-I don't believe in embalming any longer.I'll be cremated.Someone better scatter some of me at Disneyworld,too.... My mother's family is from lower Maryland and Virginia-they always laid out the deceased in the house,too...Some families take pictures of the deceased-often posed with the living.That is so not my thing.I have a girlfriend whose mother has scrapbooks full of dead relatives. After our mother died my sister had the undertaker take some pics of her-I hate them and never wanted to see them.Sister thought she looked fabulous-I thought she just looked dead.GUess who ended up with the pics? I was living in mom's house and my sister left them there-I found them over a year after she died-burst into tears and then burned them.It took me along time to be able to remember her as a happy healthy active person instead of seeing her lying in that bed for months,dying.

[Keepstanding, ASN, RN]

i know back in the 20's, 30's and 40's they used to lay bodies out in the home's "parlor".

i do not think this is legal nowadays. not for sure. i'll have to ask a mortician, next chance i get ! haha

praiser :heartbeat

[ShayRN]

There are many ways to come into this world.....We often fine it easier to be born here than to die here. But there is no guide to tell us how to die. Most hate to lose loved ones and lose ourselves also. But it is just a fact...

I for one...would like to see more people give as much thought to the way we exit this world as they do the energy they give to people who are born here! quote]

As a Hospice nurse, I have to say I disagree with this, lol. I help people die every day with dignity and comfort. I also hope that I help the families through this process.

[ktwlpn, LPN]

i know back in the 20's, 30's and 40's they used to lay bodies out in the home's "parlor".

i do not think this is legal nowadays. not for sure. i'll have to ask a mortician, next chance i get ! haha

praiser :heartbeat

actually that is exactly what the funeral business wants us to believe and it is not true.i saw a pbs documentary about do it yourself burial called " a family undertaking" and it is legal in most states-as is skipping the whole embalming process.most communtites will allow you to be buried on your property,too,the documentary is available on netflix if you are interested.here is alink to an article about the doc.

http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/15080626.html

[softstorms]

Shay RN...Hospices is my Hope! I am a firm beliver in hospice! I think what I was trying to get thru was that there is not enough Hospice..or end of life care. Everyone is so into ...if I do this, or take that, or live this way or that way......life will never end...........but it ends. We have so much out there that tells us..if we do this and that...that we will lead better and stronger lives.....but no one tells us that life does end. I want people to be able to end life without everyone telling them they can't die.

[Magsulfate, BSN, RN]

My girlfriend told me the aren't actually nurses, just volunteers who pass out tissues and water and smelling salts in case anyone "falls out."

At the ICU I work at now we have a large African American population. Never before have I seen so many people "pass out", spazz out, fall down, have a seizure, stroke out, or throw a fit on the floor like I have at this place. We have sent so many family members to the ER, it is rediculous. Most of these are like 4th cousins. lol. One instance, a brother in law passed out, fell on the hard floor, then the girl standing next to him fell out (she was 16) then because she was pregnant and fell out, her cousin fell on the floor 'seizing' . (lol) JEEEEZUS. Lawd God! Is all you could hear.

I mean, I KNOW the culture differences because the staff is predominatly African American and we talk about it a lot,,, but even THEY say that most of this drama is over the top and uncalled for.