Death isn't the TV death. Death is as natural as birth. There are deaths that are sadder than others or more traumatic to be a part of....you will cry sometimes, you will be sad sometimes, and sometimes there is a sense of relief that they are released from their tortured existence. There will be times you will cry all the way home.
There are certain deaths that I have never forgotten. They remain forever etched in my mind for one reason or another whether is was horror, sadness, tragedy, the family. Each unique and have meaning....to me. I have even cried with families but when I say cried...... I mean those few tears that slip slowly down your cheeks unchecked because you just can't stop them. That heartfelt, heart wrenching, soul clearing cry has to be saved for your private time. Families will look to you to set the tone or use your strenght to bear the next few hours for they need you as well.
I have been in an ED code while everyone.....while working furiously to save someone....have tears in their eyes and on their cheeks for the sadness, futility, and heart wrenching tragedy of it all. But we continue to do our jobs working furiously to save a life.
I remember the first child I removed from life support when brain death occurred after fighting furiously for a few days to save her life. I will never forget her name, her hair, nor her mothers sadness. I will also not forget that when the coroner came and I had to place her in the coroners bag...when I went to zip it up......I LOST IT! I couldn't do it....I couldn't stop sobbing. My co-workers were stunned, took me from the room and care for her because I couldn't.
Not every death will affect you so strongly. Some areas of the hospital are more prone to the "tragic" and frequency of death. I happen to be all 34 years except for about 6 months critical care and emergency medicine.
It will get better for you.
I won't say easier because it really isn't always "easy". But yoru skin will becime thicker. I was 18 years old when I graduated nursing school. Thre were many things I had neve seen nor done when I began my nursing journey......If you know what I mean
Nursing has taught me a lot about "Faith" and "spirituality" and how I and others find their path to comfort. I have learned amazing traditions and religious customs over the years to from candles, open windows, covering glass to prevent souls from becomming lost, or to celebrate the passing and to assist the grieving of the living. I remember my father in law refusing to leave my mother in law for he feared someone would steal her soul (old country)...so I stayed.
If it's being around a dead body....I remember some aides I used to work with who were particularly "frightened" of the dead, culturally from the Barbary coast or Jamaica for example....and I reminded them it's not the dead you should worry about...it's the living that can hurt you.
Don't worry yourself..when the times comes , hopefully, there will be someone to guide you. If not we're here.