Published
I sitting here reading allnurses and I've realized something that I didn't quite put into context like this before..... I have no experience with death. None. I am 31 years old, and in my life, no one close to me has died. I'm reading threads in the peds section and some of them are talking about kids dying and I'm thinking to myself.... death is inherent in every field of nursing, and I'm sure I could handle it as long as I get a few minutes to have a good cry.
But then I thought about the critical patients that might be there for a long time, and how things will feel different going to work and not seeing them there anymore because they've passed. This is what made me realize I've never experienced death before. I DON'T know that I can handle it. I DON'T know how that next day at work will feel. I DON'T know that it wont destroy me inside.
Don't get me wrong-- I'm not bailing on my program and plans over this. But.... well..... crap. Shouldn't this be a prerequisite or something-- knowing what it feels like to lose someone? *sigh* I'm a little scared now. I guess the critically ill patients will be "expected", and so there will be time to emotionally prepare for that. I understand that in some cases there could be a feeling of relief at knowing they will no longer be suffering.
Is it normal, or even acceptable, for a nurse to become a giant sobbing mess if she/he loses a patient she/he was close to? Does the skin thicken after time? Is it okay if it doesn't thicken? I don't know how I feel about the idea of not feeling sadness at the loss of life.
Can you tell I'm all over the place about this? When you were a noob, what were your experiences with death? Had you experienced it in your personal life before professional? How do you cope with it now?