I lied...a story of how I outright LIED to patient's family.

The time I lied...to my patient's family. I hope it makes me a good nurse and helped the family, because it made me sad as hell.... Sometimes as nurses we need to blur the lines. Sometimes we deal with things that erode our soul, and only other nurses will ever understand the things we have to deal with, the things we have to internalize and go on. Nurses Announcements Archive Article

I got the call on the EMS radio around 5 am. This is the usual time we get calls from EMS responding to nursing homes- The nurses are rounding on their patients to give am meds, and they find their residents dead or in distress. An 87 yo female, febrile, and in severe respiratory distress coming in. Pt is a DNR, but family is very involved, is aware, and will meet them in the ER.

I'm alerted that family is in the waiting room before the patient even gets there. I go out and introduce myself, tell them I will be her nurse, and that I will bring them back as soon as I get her settled in the room.

EMS arrives, and carefully transfers their frail burden onto one of my stretchers. You can see the relief on their faces, that they got her here and are able to hand her off before she dies on their watch. I'm now the proud owner of one very ill person. Temp 102+, Respiratory rate 14 and irregular. HR 50's, sat 84% on NRB, I don't need my Littmann to hear the rhonchi- Other hx is advanced dementia, DM, CHF. Has been in the nursing home for about 6 months- her husband had taken care of her at home as long as he could, but it finally got too much for him to manage, as he was also dealing with his own health problems at the age of 92.

I got her settled, and the Doc comes in- I give him the pertinent info- Not a whole lot we can do at this point other than make her comfortable and treat the infection. Chances are poor that she will make it, and we both know it. Doc moves on to deal with people he can help, leaving me in control of this mess.

I bring her visitors in, including her only daughter in her 60's, and several close friends of the family. I get them settled in and TRY explain to them what is going on. They don't get how bad off she is- I try to explain it to them in soft terms- They share with me who she is- a wife, a mother, a friend.I learn her husband is frail and elderly. I strongly suggest that if he is able, that he come. The daughter tells me she is going to leave to go get Dad. I explain that mom could go at any moment, each gasp she takes could be her last. I don't want them to have to deal with the idea that she died without ANY of her family around. But I REALLY wanted her husband there. The daughter calls her husband, who is dispatched to go get him dressed and here.

In this age of technology, we can keep up with a lot of things. I'm updated that son in law is at dad's house, he's getting him dressed, getting him loaded in the car with the wheelchair. I'm watching my patient brady down, 50's, 40's 30's....The monitor is alarming, and my pt.'s daughter sees it. Husband lands in the parking lot, and the son in law is getting him loaded in his wheelchair.

Then she died, no resps, asystole on the monitor. The daughter asks me- "Is she gone?"

"Not yet" I told her her- I gave her some silly answer- the monitor isn't picking up anything because she is so sick. I mute the alarms, turning the monitor away so she can't see the flat line.. I send 2 of my male coworkers to go out and GRAB the husband, RUN him in.

He arrives, looking a bit baffled at the whirlwind of men running out to snatch him out of his van and deliver him to trauma room 3.

I kneel down and introduce myself. I told him. "I'm sorry, but your girl is dying." He looks at me without comprehension. I took his hand, and joined it with his dead wife's. I told him "Your wife is dying right now- tell her you are here, tell her you love her- these are the last things you will be able to tell her....Tell her it's OK to go-"

He grasped her hand and brought it to his temple. "I love you baby....it's OK to go, I'm here."

I waited a minute and placed my stethoscope to her chest, made a big deal pronouncing her time of death as just then.

I lied- she died without her husband.... but that is something they will never know, but I will live with forever. I know I helped the living, but damn, holding this stuff inside hurts. I tried to explain it to my husband when I got home. He didn't get it. This is something I carry inside.

I know my fellow nurses will understand. Thanks for letting me vent and get this out.

Specializes in Emergency.

What you did was beautiful and loving!

Several years ago my mom had a massive MI and passed in our local ER. I was the family trying to get there in time. I didn't make it, but they, like you, acted as if I did. The fact that they cared so much about my families feelings much a lot to me. I knew she died surrounded by compassionate, dedicated nurses and doctors. Their kindness and professionalism is part of what restarted my pursuing an RN. I hope to pay their kindness forward.

In an age of me-me-me you gave of yourself without expectation of anything...that is beautiful

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Thank you for sharing. That was a brave thing to do and I'd really want you for my nurse :)

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Critical Care.

Ouch. Here I am dealing with my work related tragedies and read this. I am in tears. Breathless from the pain.

We as nurses hold in unbearable sadness, deal with unbearable pain ... in order to hold up those who are dealing with these same things. Personally, you are a hero in my eyes. Such quick thinking to help the living with such loss ... I think you did a wonderful thing. I'm happy you have this community to vent. It's so true that only nurses can understand. I hope you don't let this bring you down. I hope you felt better once you wrote out your story and read some of the encouraging replies.

Bless you.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

You are AWESOME...I can't imagine how much it sucks to be on that end of the ambulance trip...I hated sending my "babies" out when I worked in LTC...thank goodness there are nurses like you there to comfort the families...bless you

Up Vote Up Vote ×

This brought tears to my eyes. You did a very beautiful thing, you allowed this gentleman the opportunity to say goodbye to "his baby". That lil lie will bring peace to this family when they need it most. All to often when loved ones don't get to say goodbye they agonize over that missed moment for years.

Rest assured, you did a good thing.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Med-Surg, Float Pool, Women's Health.
Dictionary.com defines a lie as "a false statement with deliberate intent to deceive". You didn't lie my friend, you gave a dying patient's husband and her family a chance to say goodbye. They deserved that and you alone gave them that chance. This speaks volumes to your character and your abilities as a nurse. Even in her last moments, you took care of your patient by taking care of her family.

Having personally worked in an emergency department and in other acute-care settings caring for patients who are actively dying (and their families), I can understand where you are coming from and would have made the same decision, without question. Please don't see this as a burden that you must bare by yourself or a sin for which you must seek absolution. I would be honored to work beside you and sincerely hope that if a member of my family was in the same situation a nurse like you would be caring for them.

!Chris :specs:

Your story brought me to tears! This is why we nurse!! Yes, 99% of the time, our focus is on the patients, but theres the 1% that our focus is on the family. You did what was best for that 92 y.o. husband.

I agree 100% with the post I quoted.... It would be an honor to work along side of you, and to have you as one of my family member's nurse!

Don't be hard on yourself!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Pediatrics, Emergency, Trauma.
This brought tears to my eyes. You did a very beautiful thing, you allowed this gentleman the opportunity to say goodbye to "his baby". That lil lie will bring peace to this family when they need it most. All to often when loved ones don't get to say goodbye they agonize over that missed moment for years.

Rest assured, you did a good thing.

This.

You did the right thing. :yes:

Up Vote Up Vote ×

My mother is bedridden and is cared for at home. If my dad woke up and she was gone and the caregivers did what you did for his peace of mind, I would be grateful. When a loved one is at this point in life, the family has already lost so much. To give them the chance to say goodbye is a great act of kindness. God bless you in your work.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Thanks for your post. You may not know it but your actions will go on to inspire thousands of people to apply the same level of caring and compassion that you have. How? It will be like a domino effect. People will do what you have done, which will inspire more people.

This is one of the most important lessons I have learned in quite some time. I have always had a tough time explaining to the family a loved one has died. I never knew a way existed that didn't sound cold and sad, that is, until I read your post. I never knew even in times of extreme sadness, a level of peace and calmness still exist.

Thank you.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Your one awesome nurse.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

You did the right thing. You can be my nurse any day.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Gerontology RN-BC and FNP MSN student.

You brought the best possible out of the worst possible! Good job. I'm sure that brought the most Peace to this family. That will always be in their story...that she was waiting to go until she heard his voice.

God bless you!

Up Vote Up Vote ×