You know your pt is a jerk if........

Nurses General Nursing

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Specializes in trauma/ m.s..

You know your pt is a jerk if:

1. they demand the catheter out so they can have sex with their girlfriend.

2. they cuss you and everyone in the room out regardless of the situation.

3. they are a no information pt because they were shot and they are mad because they aren't suppossed to be calling people to let they know where they are.

4. they want to leave so they can find the drug dealer that shot them so they can "get my gun and do him before he does me".

Woo, what a night!!!:smackingf

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Specializes in Education, Acute, Med/Surg, Tele, etc.

OH MY!

Yeah, we just had a meth addict in for a shoulder repair post op day 5 that called us for EVERYTHING! Straighten his pillows, hold the urinal, wipe his bum, bed baths..and was flirting with the female nurses. He was up ad lib and could do all this himself (wish I was his nurse, I would have made him do this himself). He acted all sweetness and light on the call system wishing everyone a good day and to have his nurse come in every...I am not kidding...5-10 minutes! The poor other nurses were going nuts! (I was not working that day). Finally I suggested he get a male nurse, that helped the probelm! He just wanted to hit on the women!

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Specializes in OB.

...He looks at you and says (in a Herb Tarleck voice) "weeeellllllll.. if I had know I would have gotten someone so pretty to come help me, I woulda rang that bell a looooooong time ago..."

weellll,if I had known you were such a gross out , I would have sent someone else to get you off the commode.

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Specializes in Med Surg.

EM I sent my husband after taking care of one patient...

"Helpful Heart Attack Tips"

1. Make sure you have the symptoms down correctly.

2. Don't stare at your nurses' tits while you're having your heart attack.

Especially if your heart rhythm doesn't change. That's just insulting.

3. If you choose to have a seizure during your heart attack, remember that you won't be able to respond to commands.

4. If you use "I have to pee" as an excuse to show your member to your nurse, make sure you have to pee. Remember that urinating is not usually a priority during a heart attack for her, and shouldn't be one for you.

5. If you've walked to the bathroom an hour ago, she won't believe you can't hold your own urinal. Therefore, if you balls get crushed a little while she's holding your urinal, take it with a grain of salt.

6. Don't stare at your nurses' tits while she's holding the urinal.

7. If you feel the need to do any of the above and your member never outgrew infancy; try to resist the urge. It's only gonna get you laughed at later.

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Specializes in Education, Acute, Med/Surg, Tele, etc.

Rolling on the floor laughing!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

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This is going to be hard to stay positive... but forgive me to all my 98 % of good pts.

You know your pt is a jerk if......

1. he gets to the floor from the ER and his first sentance is " I need my morphine and phenogun together" but he is only perscribed lortab and zofran.

2. she tells you were you are going to stick the IV and then tells you she is a hard stick.

3. you lay the stethoscope on the chest and they scream out in pain and they only had surgery of the foot.

4. he wakes up from a deep sleep, calls out screaming for pain medication and goes outside to smoke 5 min later.

5. your coding the pt next to him and he ask you if you can move the coding pt out of the room so he can get some sleep,

and these 5 things only happened this week....;)

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

. . . if he threatens to sue if you don't get him a big glass of water immediately. and he's npo.

. . . he grabs your tits at any time and for any reason.

. . . he makes comments about your anatomy to his family and friends, the pca or the nurse on the unit you've just transferred him to. (and the said nurse is a jerk if she then phones your unit to tell you about the comments your former patient has made.)

. . . upon being informed by the nurse who brought her back from the cath lab that he was your husband, she then comments that "he looks like he'd be a mighty fine lay."

. . . he threatens to leave ama because you won't give him a bed bath (and he's already showered once today.)

. . . he leaves ama to go home and harvest his marijuana crop, but is back before the end of your shift to be readmitted in chf from the pizza and 12 pack he had while he was harvesting his crop.

. . . he wags his weinie at you for any reason.

. . . he asks you to make sure his wife only visits between 1 and 3 pm because he doesn't want her to run into one of his girlfriends.

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Bump. Now this is a great thread. Keep 'em coming!!

:up::yeah::smokin:

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Specializes in Hospice, Critical Care.

He tells you that he doesn't wipe his own butt -- that's women's work; either the nurse is to do it or his wife.

He makes you change his gown because the escort who came to take him to Physical Therapy touched him (and she's African American).

(same patient; not mine, thank goodness. 34 years old.)

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Specializes in Emergency, outpatient.

19y/o male has a history of "panic attacks." Came to the ED via EMS with his mommy because of palpitations; proceeds to pick at his IV site dressing because "i am just so nervous" despite the doc telling him to leave it alone, then begins bleeding from the iv site he has just pulled the iv from.

Mom doesn't say anything. Pt doesn't say anything. Doc walks by and notices blood dripping onto the floor. :rolleyes:

He gets another IV pronto, a bit larger and more well wrapped. (New IV was going to be a 14, but the nurse wimped out.) Noticed a wedding ring on the guy as I was discharging him to the care of his mother. Poor wife; she needs to run for the hills.

Stupid jerk. :banghead:

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Specializes in Burn, CCU, CTICU, Trauma, SICU, MICU.

- you have the fortune of taking care of the hospitals own head of anesthesia... who feels nurses are below him.

he will

- tell you how many wash cloths to bath him with

- request how long you make the water run before wetting them and times you.

- has his own buddies in the hospital sneak more pain meds to him if the doc in charge of him has cut him off - and no - he doesnt tell you, so you have no way of knowing what meds, how much or when he has gotten them.

- he changes his OWN pca when you are at lunch.

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Specializes in ICU, Telemetry.

---ends every sentence with "...or I'll sue you."

Calls for his nurse saying it's an emergency, you tear down the hall, and it's that he can't reach the button to change the tv channel...which is approximately half an inch from the nurse call button. And he's naked as a jaybird.

Cusses you out because the hospital has "crappy cable." Oh, bite me.

Gives you a list of people she will accept phone calls from.

When they come in with chest pain on a scale of 10, tell you they've never done drugs in their life so it's not from coke...forgetting that 1) you've seen their tox screen, and 2) you've had them as a patient at least once during each of their prior monthly stays, which all include a period of detox from cocaine abuse

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