Wrong place, but car wreck please help

[Vap23]

Im in a bad place right now, I dont belong here, Im not a nurse, but its midnight right now and Im alone in my pain and suffering and needed to reach out.

Right at the beginning of this month (9th january) I was in a car accident and my friend who was driving didnt make it. Its really hard to write this email right now, but i think its for the best. Im not looking for a sympathy vote, I just wanted to clear some things up in my head and on your feedback please

My friend didnt even make it to the hospital and he was only 22, how could this possibly happen, im so angry. This is one of my first concerns, that the paramedics spent too much time focusing on me, trying to get me out of the car to help, rather than helping him ...I feel such guilt about this right now.

AS for myself i was unconscious for 3 days due to hitting my head, and in the ICU, I also suffered broken ribs and a puncture lung.

When i woke up I was still on life support, ad was like that for a while before they let me come off the breathing tube, I dont really remember being too uncomfortable, i was pretyt much out of it.

im worried they spent too much time trying to save me rather than my friend

please help

[Vap23]

Thanks all, to put my mind at some sort of peace.

I could have seen my friends body, my pastor was going to take me to see him, but I deicded not too. I didnt know whether it would cause more distress, or if it would have helped me.

There aer alot of missing pieces like you mentioned, and I dont know if what I remember really happened, not sure if I would like to ask,,I felt like there was a demon in my room at the hospital which scared me ALOT, because I couldnt move or talk to tell anyone about it, though I probably think maybe it was the medication they had given me

There is an inquest..whatever you call it, going on right now,, because it happened to be some teengaers who were drink driving who caused us to swerve off the road.

The funny thing is, it wasnt like we were going that fast really, so trying to ge my head around it.

COunselling is in place havnt been yet, but have not been able to talk about this person to person, which is why I came on here, because I dont have any words to say really, at least on here I can think and edit the post before i send it.

I do have alot of support, from my church and some friends, but I feel right now Im pushing them away, I dont want to hurt them I think I just need some time alone right now.

Im pretty upset with my mum because she has been trying to get me to take the photos down of me and my friend together, we were frience since age 11.

have so many things to think about right now. Ive been through some stuff in my life, but this just tops all of them. When I heard the news I felt like my heart had been torn to shreds, I dont usually break down infront of people, or right when I hear some bad news, but this time was different.

Since it happened .. the demon t hing has not left me alone. I keep waking up at night paralysed and unable to move with the presence of fear all over my room, feeling like Im suffocating, and tyring to scream for help but cant.

Wont bore you with anymore of the things im experiencing right now, but cant say how much I appreciate the replies.

Ive been sleeping alot, most the day. Is that normal ? Im just so tired.

[Roy Fokker, BSN, RN]

Vap23: You have a PM (Private Message) heading your way.

If you don't know how to access PMs, respond so in this thread...

[Vap23]

figured it out, just saw a message about my post being edited, but it looks the same to me

[gonzo1, ASN, RN]

vap23, so glad you have counseling in place. I know from experience this will help alot over time. Books that I have read on dealing with these types of experiences state that you should not make any major changes for at least one year, so tell your mom you are not ready to take down pictures yet. The time will come when you can decide to keep some up, or put them away. My husband and I still have photos of our old gfriends/bfriends and we have been married 30 years. The past is a part of who we are today and why try to pretend this is not so.

The feelings of alarm that you are experiencing can be caused by many factors including trauma from the accident, your mind trying to piece all the experiences together and meds. I encourage you to talk about this with your doctor (medical) ASAP.

If you are religous at all you may try sleeping with a rosary or cross or other item of comfort near you. I have found this comforting when I have these feelings.

Thank you for keeping us updated on your plans and progress, we care.

[Vap23]

Hi again, hi gonzo. Just been lazing around today, not accepting phone calls from any friends, but a lady from church came to see me, she is a counselor , has her own practice etc. Im glad she came around, we watched a movie, glad she didnt pester me or anything, but we are going to talk at some point, I just need some time by myself.

Im having terrible memories plaging me, none of which are in the right order, and no matter how many times I have been through it in my head, I still cannot place the events i remember in the right order, i cannot fit the jigsaw piece back together, and its VERY frustrating.

Im unhappy here at home with my mom, I want to go back to my apartment, Im getting a bit annoyed with her, trying to get me to go out, I dont want too right now is that such a big deal, dont i desevre some time by myself...this is exactly why i want to go back to my apartment.

my friends parents (my friend who died) are also the same way, I havnt spoke to them but I know they still have their curtains drawn and have also not been out the house since this nightmare began.

My dog is with me, a great source of support, he sleeps on my bed at night with me, im so greatful for him right now.

[muffie, RN]

wishing you peaceful nights and days

[kukukajoo, LPN]

VAp- someone very close to me was also in bad car wreck recently (dec 2). He was in coma 3 weeks and nearly died. He is recovering now, but speaking of the same kinds of things you mention, feeling trapped in the room and unable to move. At first it sounded like anxiety but then we talked more. I think it may be some anxiety and some level of consiousness while comatose and remembering being tied down, as well as from the wreck and being unable to get out. Memories get foggy with the medicines they give you to help you.

He said he dreamt continously and that people would not let him get up. He also dreamt he had lung cancer and that he was shown a hole in his lung- which he did have, but from the wreck. He is having nightmares as well which are really scary to him. But we talk them out and he comes to understand them and accept them and they are getting better now.

I sont know if this helps, but I hope it does.

[TracyB,RN, RN]

VAP, you mentioned that you hadn't yet been to counseling b/c it's hard to say in person. Just write it down & bring it to the counselor. I don't want to sound harsh, but you really need to get to counseling, ASAP. My daughter spent several years in counseling for other issues. She didn't like to talk, either, but when she brought her journals, it made sense for her. It was easier for her to watch the counselor read her thoughts, instead of saying them outloud. Then, she could respond to what the counselor was saying.

As far as your mom goes, she probably doesn't know what to do to help you get through this grief & survivor's guilt you seem to be experiencing. Maybe she thinks the pics of you & your friend are reminders of this horrible experience & by taking them down, it will help. Let your mom pamper you & maybe have her go to counseling with you. You need support to get through this & it sounds like she's trying the best she can. Let her, by going to counseling with you, so she can learn the proper ways to do so.

Prayers to you, Tracy

[loriangel14, RN]

Sending you (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) I don't know what else to

say that will make it better, but don't forget that people care. Be gentle

with yourself. Talk to someone. Hug your dog.

[SharkLPN]

Nothing to add to the spot-on advice already given.

My thoughts are with you. It's never easy to lose a friend so young, especially in such a sudden and tragic way. One way to work through it is to find a positive in this, and continue their memory. For instance, a fellow student at my high school was murdered; her family took her passion for running, and created a 5K charity run in her name to benefit a cause she supported. You might not do something on that large a scale, but even a small, personal effort can help. I lost my 'big sister' in a car accident; she was a nurse, had encouraged me to go into nursing too (I worked in veterinary medicine previously), and after her death, I eventually looked into it and found that she was right - nursing not only suited me, but continued her passion for helping others too. In that way, she lives on.

[Vap23]

sorry you lost your sister in a car accident, that really stinks.

Today: slept most the afternoon. Been up for a few hours now, I have my dog laid on the bed with me. My mum bought me a laptop so I could lay down, I really appreciate it , but she didnt need to spend so much money on me just because I have been in a car accident...I feel as though I need to repay her by opening up to her. Im loosing my temper at little things and Im suprised she is putting up with it.

Someone on this thread said to let her pamper me, I dont seem to be able to let her do that. Ive never really really been close to my mum, Im stubborn and Im pretty independant. I was away for 3 years in the UK where I did my degree (music). I got back here in may last summer, and so Im used to doing my own thing, alot of things on my own, and going where I please etc etc

I am going to speak to a counselor, I know you think I should talk ASAP, Im considering printing this thread out and showing it to the lady in church (if you all dont mind and if I can do that) who is a counselor, she is available to talk with me, it may be better to see someone with a familiar face, I dont know... but im *****ing myself about it.

i cant tell you enough how I miss my friend so much already. I never knew what it was like to have a broken heart. I thought I did, you know, going through the stuff people my age do .. b friends ... etc etc....but this is different.

Me and Tom were intimate a long time ago when we were 16, which im finding it hard to thikn about, I cant get my head around the fact, we were so intimate and now he is no longer here, like I touched him, felt him. I know how stupid this sounds, but I have some clothes back at my apartment from new years eve I have not washed yet, me and tom were out that night, and I have decidede not to wash them because I know he had touched them.

I cant get any of this out my head, all I do all day when Im awake is go over it over and over and over again in my mind, I dont know how to let it go.

If one little thing had been changed, none of this would have happened, just 1 little thing that is all, just 1 thing and he would still be here. All it needed, thats all it needed, now I really do hate the butterfly effect and Im starting to obsess over it

I wont go into any medical things that is going on here right now, because I know you are not allowed to give advice about those.

but thanks for all the replies, I never thought I would get 1 reply, i just thought the thread would have been deleted straight away because I dont really belong here.

I didnt know where else to turn a few nights ago, and Im glad I found this place

[rn/writer, RN]

Today: slept most the afternoon. Been up for a few hours now, I have my dog laid on the bed with me. My mum bought me a laptop so I could lay down, I really appreciate it , but she didnt need to spend so much money on me just because I have been in a car accident...I feel as though I need to repay her by opening up to her. Im loosing my temper at little things and Im suprised she is putting up with it.

You don't need to repay her by opening up more than you want to. You can, however, use her gift to do some journaling. write down bits and pieces in the hopes that you can eventually put them together into something meaningful. You can tell her that you are doing this and that you appreciate such a useful tool.

I don't know what kind of person your mother is, but if you could open up to her with something small, you can see how she responds and decide if you want to go further. Another thing you can do is give her something concrete to do. Think of something, anything, that she can help with. Running an errand, getting something from your apartment, making a dish that would feel good on your sore throat. It might help both of you find a way to connect that doesn't feel intrusive. She'll feel useful and you'll get some relief from the tension. Really, it sounds like whatever the two of you might have been through, she cares about you and wants to help. It's good to have family on your side, even if they don't always understand what you're going through.

Someone on this thread said to let her pamper me, I dont seem to be able to let her do that. Ive never really really been close to my mum, Im stubborn and Im pretty independant. I was away for 3 years in the UK where I did my degree (music). I got back here in may last summer, and so Im used to doing my own thing, alot of things on my own, and going where I please etc etc

See above. If you can help her to help you, that feeling of being invaded might let up some. Give her some direction. Be clear in saying what you do and do not want. For instance, if you send her to your apartment to get something for you, make sure you tell her to leave other things alone.

I am going to speak to a counselor, I know you think I should talk ASAP, Im considering printing this thread out and showing it to the lady in church (if you all dont mind and if I can do that) who is a counselor, she is available to talk with me, it may be better to see someone with a familiar face, I dont know... but im *****ing myself about it.

Good idea to print this out. That way you don't have to talk so much.

i cant tell you enough how I miss my friend so much already. I never knew what it was like to have a broken heart. I thought I did, you know, going through the stuff people my age do .. b friends ... etc etc....but this is different.

The worst part is when you want to call him up and tell him about this awful thing you're going through. And then you remember you can't.

Me and Tom were intimate a long time ago when we were 16, which im finding it hard to thikn about, I cant get my head around the fact, we were so intimate and now he is no longer here, like I touched him, felt him. I know how stupid this sounds, but I have some clothes back at my apartment from new years eve I have not washed yet, me and tom were out that night, and I have decidede not to wash them because I know he had touched them.

Doesn't sound stupid at all. (But do remember to tell your mother not to wash those clothes.)

I cant get any of this out my head, all I do all day when Im awake is go over it over and over and over again in my mind, I dont know how to let it go.

If one little thing had been changed, none of this would have happened, just 1 little thing that is all, just 1 thing and he would still be here. All it needed, thats all it needed, now I really do hate the butterfly effect and Im starting to obsess over it

It goes with the territory of being a human who has realized how little control we have over the universe. You will not be able to stop obsessing, but you will, in time, start focusing on other things. Right now, you aren't moving around much because you aren't feeling well. That gives you lots of time to think. Use the laptop to write down all those fragmented memories and bits of dreams you spoke of in another post. Nothing major. Just a couple of sentences here and there if that's how those thoughts come to you. Do this for a few days. Then go back and read them and see if a more complete picture emerges. Keep adding as you remember things.

Make a list of all the questions you have and the people you'd like to ask. Write a letter to the different people or groups you'd like to speak to. Write a letter to the people who are trying to help you and say what you want--you don't have to worry about hurting feelings on a laptop. Pick a theme--anger, sorrow, fear, gratitude, pain, hope, etc.--and write about it.

Read if you can. Run the gamut, from topics that are connected with your trauma to anything that isn't. If you don't have the concentration to do that, maybe ask your mom to get some books on tape from the library and let yourself just float away on someone else's words. Watch videos. Listen to music.

Obsess all you can for an hour. Then take a break. You can't just not think about it, but this technique can help you give yourself permission to let go for a while.

Hug on your doggie. Many animals seem to sense when they are needed in this way. I'm glad you have a warm and fuzzy package of unconditional and unquestioning love in your life.

By all means, talk to a counselor or several. If you are able to, find a support group of others who have been through something like this.

Accept just about anything as normal right now. There are people who will say to you, "Hey, it's been three weeks (or three months, or a year, or whatever). You should be over this by now." Thank them for their concern and tell yourself, "They just don't know." Because they don't. It takes as long as it takes.

thanks for all the replies, I never thought I would get 1 reply, i just thought the thread would have been deleted straight away because I dont really belong here.

I didnt know where else to turn a few nights ago, and Im glad I found this place

Where better to go for some TLC than a website that's crawling with nurses.

You were very brave to come here and pour out your heart. Please keep coming back as long as it helps.