Vap23

thanks all, and thanks gonzo, i also thought of you often.

Hi all, just got an email saying you missed me, I dont know whether or not this is automated but thought I would respond. For those that dont know, I am not a nurse but came here almost a year ago after loosing my boyfriend in a car accident. I did recieve alot of support, want you to all know im greatful for it, and that I am doing well. This christmas was hard, (first without him) but, im still in therapy, and trying to overcome the PTSD> I hope you all had a wonderful christmas.

Just thought I would add an update. I went to church today for the first time since my accident. One of the ladies in church, who i havnt really spoken to much in the past is a counselor, I went to her house to eat tonight and to talk. I feel like there has been some weight lifted off my shoulders, to have people around me that are willing to listen. Im raelly greatful I have that. I didnt take commuion or anything, I couldnt join in worship (I was invovled in the music group). I felt uneasy actually in the church service. I felt like everyone was looking at me, and was scared... that I wuold get scared... and start shaking again. I am hoping to move in with a friend at some point, rather than going back to my own apartment and being alone. Cant tolerate much more of sitting here at home with my mom (though I do love her) and just bored from laying on my backside all day long. I managed to open up a bit. I have not really cried since I heard the news about Tom, when i first found out, I was pretty much hysterical is probably a good way of putting it. But since, sort of numb....but was a bit tearful this evening, which aparantly is progress. not sure if I mentioned it on the thread, but I was in my first year of an MA (music) and was also teaching part time (flute). I know I will go back to teaching part time, I have the time off I need for that rightnow, and I can go back. I have decided at ths point, I dont want to continue with my MA. I dont feel up to it, I dont have the concentration, I just dont seem to be enjoying any kind of music right now, and I dont need the pressure. I dont awnt the work load on top of all this. Yes Im angry, that this has altered the course of my future. Will I ever be the same person again > NO>and I am angry about that. i want to be my old self, I feel like my personality has changed, I dont know who i am right now.

Have some lyrics to share, its a song that means alot to me at the moment. Am not going to type out the whole song, but just parts of it. Hold it close to my heart. Its kinda hard with you not around know your in heaven smiling down watchin us while we pray for you everyday i pray for you Till the day we meet again in my heart is where i keep you my friend memories give me the strength i need to proceed strenth i need to believe My thoughts big I just cant define Wish i could turn back the hands of time Us in the 6, shop for new clothes and kicks You and me, watchin flicks Makin hits, stages they recieve on you I still cant believe your gone give anything to hear half your breaht i know your still living life after death Somebody tell me why On that morning when this life is over I know Ill see your face Every step I take every move I make every single day every time I pray ill be missing you

i went out breifly yesterday and today. It was tough, because my mum had to drive. Maybe I will do better with myself driving because I will be in control. But, I was having real problems watching the roads. SO i put the seat back and shut my eyes, but this didnt work either, because every time she turned the wheel, i jumped up to see what she was about to hit. ALot going on here right now, but way to long and complicated to explain it all, I dont even know how or where to start

sorry you lost your sister in a car accident, that really stinks. Today: slept most the afternoon. Been up for a few hours now, I have my dog laid on the bed with me. My mum bought me a laptop so I could lay down, I really appreciate it , but she didnt need to spend so much money on me just because I have been in a car accident...I feel as though I need to repay her by opening up to her. Im loosing my temper at little things and Im suprised she is putting up with it. Someone on this thread said to let her pamper me, I dont seem to be able to let her do that. Ive never really really been close to my mum, Im stubborn and Im pretty independant. I was away for 3 years in the UK where I did my degree (music). I got back here in may last summer, and so Im used to doing my own thing, alot of things on my own, and going where I please etc etc I am going to speak to a counselor, I know you think I should talk ASAP, Im considering printing this thread out and showing it to the lady in church (if you all dont mind and if I can do that) who is a counselor, she is available to talk with me, it may be better to see someone with a familiar face, I dont know... but im *****ing myself about it. i cant tell you enough how I miss my friend so much already. I never knew what it was like to have a broken heart. I thought I did, you know, going through the stuff people my age do .. b friends ... etc etc....but this is different. Me and Tom were intimate a long time ago when we were 16, which im finding it hard to thikn about, I cant get my head around the fact, we were so intimate and now he is no longer here, like I touched him, felt him. I know how stupid this sounds, but I have some clothes back at my apartment from new years eve I have not washed yet, me and tom were out that night, and I have decidede not to wash them because I know he had touched them. I cant get any of this out my head, all I do all day when Im awake is go over it over and over and over again in my mind, I dont know how to let it go. If one little thing had been changed, none of this would have happened, just 1 little thing that is all, just 1 thing and he would still be here. All it needed, thats all it needed, now I really do hate the butterfly effect and Im starting to obsess over it I wont go into any medical things that is going on here right now, because I know you are not allowed to give advice about those. but thanks for all the replies, I never thought I would get 1 reply, i just thought the thread would have been deleted straight away because I dont really belong here. I didnt know where else to turn a few nights ago, and Im glad I found this place

Hi again, hi gonzo. Just been lazing around today, not accepting phone calls from any friends, but a lady from church came to see me, she is a counselor , has her own practice etc. Im glad she came around, we watched a movie, glad she didnt pester me or anything, but we are going to talk at some point, I just need some time by myself. Im having terrible memories plaging me, none of which are in the right order, and no matter how many times I have been through it in my head, I still cannot place the events i remember in the right order, i cannot fit the jigsaw piece back together, and its VERY frustrating. Im unhappy here at home with my mom, I want to go back to my apartment, Im getting a bit annoyed with her, trying to get me to go out, I dont want too right now is that such a big deal, dont i desevre some time by myself...this is exactly why i want to go back to my apartment. my friends parents (my friend who died) are also the same way, I havnt spoke to them but I know they still have their curtains drawn and have also not been out the house since this nightmare began. My dog is with me, a great source of support, he sleeps on my bed at night with me, im so greatful for him right now.

figured it out, just saw a message about my post being edited, but it looks the same to me

Thanks all, to put my mind at some sort of peace. I could have seen my friends body, my pastor was going to take me to see him, but I deicded not too. I didnt know whether it would cause more distress, or if it would have helped me. There aer alot of missing pieces like you mentioned, and I dont know if what I remember really happened, not sure if I would like to ask,,I felt like there was a demon in my room at the hospital which scared me ALOT, because I couldnt move or talk to tell anyone about it, though I probably think maybe it was the medication they had given me There is an inquest..whatever you call it, going on right now,, because it happened to be some teengaers who were drink driving who caused us to swerve off the road. The funny thing is, it wasnt like we were going that fast really, so trying to ge my head around it. COunselling is in place havnt been yet, but have not been able to talk about this person to person, which is why I came on here, because I dont have any words to say really, at least on here I can think and edit the post before i send it. I do have alot of support, from my church and some friends, but I feel right now Im pushing them away, I dont want to hurt them I think I just need some time alone right now. Im pretty upset with my mum because she has been trying to get me to take the photos down of me and my friend together, we were frience since age 11. have so many things to think about right now. Ive been through some stuff in my life, but this just tops all of them. When I heard the news I felt like my heart had been torn to shreds, I dont usually break down infront of people, or right when I hear some bad news, but this time was different. Since it happened .. the demon t hing has not left me alone. I keep waking up at night paralysed and unable to move with the presence of fear all over my room, feeling like Im suffocating, and tyring to scream for help but cant. Wont bore you with anymore of the things im experiencing right now, but cant say how much I appreciate the replies. Ive been sleeping alot, most the day. Is that normal ? Im just so tired.

i will, ty for your replies, what would i do right now without the internet i know this sound stupid, becuase there is more to wrry about right now, but at this moment im really concerned about my throat,

Also still suffering from dizzyness, seeing the dr next week,

Im in a bad place right now, I dont belong here, Im not a nurse, but its midnight right now and Im alone in my pain and suffering and needed to reach out. Right at the beginning of this month (9th january) I was in a car accident and my friend who was driving didnt make it. Its really hard to write this email right now, but i think its for the best. Im not looking for a sympathy vote, I just wanted to clear some things up in my head and on your feedback please My friend didnt even make it to the hospital and he was only 22, how could this possibly happen, im so angry. This is one of my first concerns, that the paramedics spent too much time focusing on me, trying to get me out of the car to help, rather than helping him ...I feel such guilt about this right now. AS for myself i was unconscious for 3 days due to hitting my head, and in the ICU, I also suffered broken ribs and a puncture lung. When i woke up I was still on life support, ad was like that for a while before they let me come off the breathing tube, I dont really remember being too uncomfortable, i was pretyt much out of it. im worried they spent too much time trying to save me rather than my friend please help